Dead Man Walking
by MrRedSnake
Summary: Kenny was used to being killed off in a number of humorous and horrifying ways only for him to wake up the next morning with no one but himself remembering it. Sure, it sounds weird but it was normal for him, like an overplayed bit, he expected it. What he didn't expect was someone else remembering one of his deaths, and he DEFINITELY didn't expect what it could lead to.
1. Chapter 1

In one of the poorer neighborhoods of a small town in Colorado known as South Park, a sixteen-year-old boy laid out on his bed with a joint in his hand and the sweet sounds of Bob Marley playing from his stereo. With his parents gone for the day and his little sister over at a friend's house, Kenny McCormick decided now was the perfect time to just chill out and-

** BUZZ**

To just chill out and-

**BUZZ**

To just chill out and-

**BUZZ**

Check his phone, apparently. He turned on the screen to find three texts from one Eric Cartman, "Not today fat-fuck." he stated, dropping his phone back to its rightful place on his nightstand so he could return his full attention to his smooth island jams as he prepared to light his (in his humble opinion) beautifully rolled joint.

"KENNY OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" a particularly loud and annoying voice shouted from his front yard.

"Fuck." he stated with a sigh as he put the weed back in his nightstand, "Fuck." he repeated as he shut off his stereo, "Fuck, fuck, fuck." he chanted like a mantra as he trudged to his front door, "The fuck you want, fatass?" he greeted as he swung it open to reveal the annoyance in question.

"Hey, fuck you!" the other teenager countered.

"At least someone could fuck me, if you ever scored you'd probably go to jail for suffocating someone under your man-tits." Kenny roasted with a smirk, "Which brings me back to my previous question: The fuck you want fatass?"

"Well Kenny, since you're so dead-set on being a dick today, I guess I'll just take my money elsewhere. See ya around pothead."

"Money? Where the hell did you get money?" the boy asked, curious as to what his friend… make that acquaintance, was talking about.

"_Oh, big surprise, the poor kid's all interested now that there's money involved_." the heavy-set teenager teased, "Well, if you're willing to cooperate now then I'll tell you. Mom said she'd pay me sixty bucks if I cleaned out the gutters and I thought _'Hey, you know who might really benefit from that? My good friend Kenny, sure hope he's not in a bitchy mood today.'_"

"Alright, I think I can figure it out from here. You want me to come clean your gutters while you sit on your ass and do nothing, then when I'm done doing all the work you're only gonna give me half the cash, right?"

Cartman scoffed, "What? Of course not! How could you even assume that?!" he asked in an offended tone, "Stan's gonna be helping out too and you both get five bucks each."

"Twenty each, we all get an even cut and you don't even have to do anything for it."

"Fuck you! I'll go as high as ten but that's it! That's probably more than your whole fucking house is worth anyway."

Kenny leaned against the door frame, feeling the wall shift slightly under his weight 'When he's right he's right, this place is a shithole.' the boy thought to himself. Yeah, his family was poor as fuck, he wasn't gonna argue with that, but if there's one thing he learned from a life of poverty it's how to bargain, and he just happened to have a tiny little ace up his sleeve for a time like this.

"Twenty bucks each and I won't tell Kyle that thing you told me when you got wasted at that party last month."

Cartman's eyes widened in fear, "You wouldn't dare."

Kenny held his nose to give his voice a more nasally tone "_I fucking hate that jew so much but I could die in his ass._" he mimicked in his best impression of the other boy, "Gotta say, I never took you for someone who was into redheads."

The anti-semitic bag of lard nearly screamed in rage, "FINE, YOU WIN! TWENTY BUCKS EACH!"

"Karl Marx would be so proud of you." Kenny joked as he grabbed his orange parka off the hanger next to the door.

"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET'S GO!"

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Kenny stood on top of a ladder, elbow deep in dead leaves, squirrel shit, and bird carcasses while Stan had the cushier job of holding the ladder from below, "Ya know, had I known I'd be doing most of the work, I probably would've negotiated this differently." Kenny mused, his voice muffled by his coat.

"I told you, we can switch in a min-" Kenny heard a faint buzz from below, "Hang on, I'm getting a text from Wendy." he announced.

"_Congratulations dude, __I'm so fucking proud of you_." Kenny sarcastically spoke.

Stan took his attention away from the ladder and focused it on his phone, "Oh shit." he said to himself before typing out a quick message to his girlfriend, saying it out loud to himself as he did "Sorry, I forgot. It won't happen again."

"Uh… Stan, I think there's something up here." Kenny announced from the roof as the sound of claws scratching on shingles became more noticeable.

The other boy, however, was too preoccupied with typing out another message to notice, "I mean it this time, I just got caught up with helping Cartman."

"OH SHIT, IT'S A FUCKING RACCOON! HOLD THE LADDER, I'M COMING DO- AHHH!"

The boy's screams once again went unnoticed, "Of course I would rather spend time with you. Heart emoji." Stan spoke aloud, "That should take care of it. Hey Kenny, we can switch now."

This time it was Stan who went unheard as the ladder fell backward, Kenny screaming in pain as he and the ladder fell into the street, landing the boy's head right in the path of an oncoming truck. He was run over and killed on impact as the racoon ran to safety.

"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED-"

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Kenny woke up in bed with a jolt the next morning, realizing that he was once again maimed, injured, and yes, killed. "Motherfucking ass-clown." he mumbled to himself as he got out of bed to start the day.

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Kenny fancied himself a bit of a deep thinker, from time to time he liked to ponder the deep philosophical questions about the universe, questions like, "What is the meaning of life." or "Why doesn't Jack Nicholson make any new movies?" but at the moment he was preoccupied with the deepest question of them all, that question being "Why the hell did he agree to be lowered into the sewer to retrieve Kyle's phone?"

Well, he already knew the answer to that one, because he's an idiot who'd do anything to help his friends. "I seriously appreciate this, dude. I definitely owe you one." Kyle promised as he held tightly onto his friend's left ankle.

"Just one?" the boy asked, "I'm getting dunked into the shit-pit here, I think you owe me at least three."

Kyle laughed, "Alright, deal."

"You see it yet dude?" Stan asked, gripping Kenny's right ankle.

"Not yet, I'll let ya know when I do though." Kenny answered, "Get me a little lower, I think I see something." he requested.

It was at this point that Stan's phone began to ring, "Shit, hold on."

"Just call them back later." Kyle instructed.

Stan pulled out his phone to see who the interrupter was, "It's Wendy, I've gotta take this." he informed, handing Kenny's leg over to his friend.

"Dude, seriously?!" Kyle exclaimed, taking Kenny's leg. "We're kinda- Ugh, in the middle of something here!" he strained under the added weight.

"I'll just be a minute." Stan promised, answering his phone, "Hey Wendy I-" he pulled the device away from his ear as she started yelling, "Oh shit, that was today?"

Meanwhile, Kyle was struggling to hold up his friend's weight, "Shit dude, what've you been eating?!"

"The biggest meal I've had in the past three days was half an onion, you need to lift some weights or something dude, you're seriously weak." Kenny answered.

"I can't-…" Kyle struggled to keep his grip, only to lose it a moment later, dropping Kenny into the sewer. His neck snapped on impact, leaving him to die in a river of piss and "SHIT! KENNY'S DEAD!" Kyle shouted.

"Hang on on Wendy." Stan said, turning back to his friend, "You bastards!" he shouted before returning to his call, "No, it's nothing… I don't know who, I just know they're bastards."

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Kenny awoke in his bed the next morning with a sigh, "It's gonna be one of those weeks, I can already tell." he mumbled to himself as he got out of bed to start the day.

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Stan stood in front of his new bag-of-shit car while someone else inspected it from underneath, "So, how's it look?" the boy asked.

Kenny rolled out from under the car, his face stained with dirt and grease in one of the rare occasions where his coat was off and his face was completely visible "Like shit. Where the hell did you get this thing?"

"Uncle Jimbo got it from some guy out of town for real cheap." the other teenager answered.

"Does Uncle Jimbo got some kinda deathwish for you or something?" Kenny asked, "This thing's got no brakes, the gas-lines are full of holes, I'm pretty sure the engine's being held in with zip-ties, and it looks like it got rammed into a tree at full speed!"

"But… You can fix it, right?"

Kenny sighed, "I'll see if I can find any more problems and give you a rough estimate for new parts but other than that there's not much I can do at the moment."

"Thanks dude, I seriously owe-"

"STAN MARSH!" a loud feminine voice shouted.

"Oh shit." Stan lamented.

"I can help with your car but you're on your own with that." Kenny teased as he rolled back beneath the vehicle.

"Uh, hey Wen-"

"DON'T YOU HEY WENDY ME!"

'Oh yeah, she's pissed.' Kenny thought to himself.

"I sat in the mall's food court for hours, do you know why?!" the girl asked.

"W- Waiting for m-"

"WAITING FOR YOU!" she finished, "AND HERE YOU ARE, PLAYING MECHANIC OR WHATEVER!"

"He ain't even doing that." Kenny said to himself, unintentionally gaining the attention of the furious girl.

"Kenny?" she asked.

"Hey Wendy! Are those new shoes? They're nice!" he cheerfully greeted from under the vehicle, not really paying the situation's tone any mind.

"Aw, thank you so much!" the girl said with a smile before her anger returned and she switched her focus back to her boyfriend, "So you're just watching your friend fix your car and not even doing anything?!"

"Pretty much." Kenny answered on his friend's behalf.

"Stay out of this Kenny!" Stan demanded.

"You leave him alone, he's not the one in trouble here!" Wendy reminded.

"Look, I'm sorry I forgot our date, I just got caught up with some stuff, I got this car from my uncle and-"

"I don't want to hear anymore excuses Stan! You've stood me up three times this week and this is the last time! I'M DONE WITH YOU!"

"WHAT?! No please, give me another chance, I-"

"HELL NO! Read my lips: We. Are. THROUGH!" the girl shouted, smacking the hood of the car to accentuate the statement, the impact of which knocked the engine loose, dropping it directly on Kenny's head and smashing his skull open like a watermelon, his blood splattering the surrounding pavement and Wendy's new shoes. "Oh my god! I THINK I JUST KILLED KENNY!"

"You bast-" Stan began to say, only to be stopped by a furious look from his now ex-girlfriend, "Sorry."

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Kenny woke up the next morning with a jolt, for the third time this week he'd been brutally killed in some way shape or form and for the third time he'd been resurrected just as if it never happened just like he always is. The boy held his face in his hands to nurse the splitting headache his latest death had left him with.

The boy dragged himself out of bed and trudged to the bathroom, he opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of aspirin, popping two in his mouth and downing them with a handful of water.

The teenager stared at himself in the mirror, he'd just woken up but he was already exhausted, this whole week so far had taken one hell of a toll on him, "To think, it's only Thursday." he mumbled to himself before his face lit up in realization, "OH FUCK YEAH, IT'S THURSDAY!" he shouted.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, YA LITTLE BASTARD!" he heard his father shout from the other room.

"Sorry dad."

"Don't be sorry, just be quiet!"

Kenny rushed through his morning routine and grabbed his coat off the hanger as he left for school.

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Once the final bell had rung to mark the end of another day at the American Public Institutionalized Learning Facility known as South Park High, Kenny made his way through the halls like a tank, nothing was gonna slow him down or keep him from his destination, not even his group of friends that he was passing right now, "Hey Kenny, you wanna come-" Kyle started only to be immediately shut down.

"Not today guys. Later!" the boy answered as he kept walking.

Once he was out of earshot, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman exchanged glances, "What a douche." Cartman remarked.

There were a number of things in this world that brought Kenny true joy… Okay, three things, the thrill of a revving car engine, the bliss of a good high, and the beauty of some sweet tits and ass, the third thing on that short list being what he was rushing to appreciate right now in the form of what he'd found to be his new favorite sport, Girls High School Volleyball.

No it's not lame! What's so lame about watching a group of beautiful girls engaged in physical activity? One that involved a decent amount of bouncing nonetheless! See, Kenny considered himself to be a lover of art, and what work of art exists that's more beautiful than the female form? Of course that was just his way of dancing around what he really is…

A massive pervert.

And so said pervert continued onward with his quest, his goal in sight as he approached the gym doors. Kenny entered the gym with all the confidence of an immortal stepping through the gates of Hell, dropping a few "Hey"s and "What's up"s to some of the girls he passed on the way to his usual spot on the bleachers.

Back when the boy first came up with his brilliant idea to drop in on the girls' practice, he'd gotten a few confused looks, the second time he got a few questions, and after explaining that he found the game to be thrilling (Making sure to leave out the big reason as to why, of course.) they accepted his explanation and went on with their lives. By his third visit, Kenny was practically an honorary member of the team, unofficially dubbed their "Personal Cheerleader", he laughed when they first informed him of his title, mainly due to the image that popped into his head of him dressed in a sports bra and miniskirt with a pair of pom poms.

It was in that moment Kenny knew what he was wearing to the season's first big game. The look on the girls' faces would be priceless! But his stupid cross-dressing pranks could wait for later. For now, practice was starting which meant it was time to get comfortable and discreetly creep on the girls in his class.

The boy watched as the two groups knocked the ball back and forth, not unlike his mind bouncing back and forth between teenage perversion and genuine interest, interest which he wasn't expecting to gain when he started this endeavor but was pleasantly surprised to find when he first caught himself getting invested. He figured he must have liked the game to some extent considering he kept coming back to watch every week instead of just going home and watching the vintage porno tapes he found in the crawlspace under his house.

'those are some great tapes though.' he thought to himself, '70s tits rule!'.

And with that last perverted thought out of the way Kenny's mind bounced back into the game, specifically one of the girls playing it; His latest killer and close friend's now ex-girlfriend, Wendy Testaburger. The boy felt a shot of pain in his head as he recalled his last death. Sure, she hadn't meant to do it, but her lack of bad intentions didn't exactly stop his fucking head from being crushed under a shitty car engine! 'Get your mind off it, it's not her fault, she was just mad at Stan.' he thought to himself, trying to think of something beside the crushing pain in his head, "Ow, shit." he cursed under his breath as he rubbed his eyes.

Kenny took a deep breath and turned his attention back to the game, he could tell Wendy was still pissed by the way she was playing, aggressively spiking the ball every time it came into her general vicinity, sometimes hard enough to make the other girls jump out of the way to avoid getting hit. Yep, she was pissed, and she was taking out her frustrations on that poor rubber ball.

'Damn Stan, you really fucked up this time.' the boy thought, he completely understood how too, Kenny knew where his friend's priorities were. Hell, he had a front row seat for it! Since discovering his new favorite sport Kenny generally spends six out of seven days a week with his friends, in that time Stan usually hangs out right alongside him, his girlfriend nowhere to be seen. Occasionally, he'd break off and hang out with Wendy but that rare occurrence usually only happened every other week at the very most. One could even say, with his now five weeks of unbroken attendance at the girl's volleyball practice, Kenny spent more time with Wendy than her own boyfriend ever did.

'Ex boyfriend now.' he pondered to himself, what a surreal thought, they'd been "dating" for what seemed like forever now. Kenny thought back to when they were all kids, even before the two had started dating she was the one girl he never chased, all because Stan liked her, so he backed off, way off. Hell, he couldn't even remember saying two words to her for the longest time in fear of accidentally seducing her and betraying his friend…

FUCK OFF, IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED!

The more the boy thought about his friend's ex-girlfriend, the more prominent that little "ex" became, 'She's hot as hell, smart as fuck, she is single now…' Kenny tried to push the thought out of his head. There's three unspoken rules among guys, you do not date the girl your friend likes, you do not date your friend's ex, and you definitely do not under any circumstances date your friend's girlfriend!

But the thought remained. Why shouldn't he be allowed to date his friend's ex? It's not Kenny's fault Stan fucked up his relationship. If Kenny were dating Wendy then he'd spend at least half his time with her. Hell, he'd even try to get her in on some of the trouble he and the guys get into just so he could spend more time with her. The boy couldn't fathom how someone could enter a relationship just to blow it off and fuck around with their idiot friends 24/7, especially when one of those friends was Eric fucking Cartman of all people.

Maybe he was thinking too deep about this. Moral quandaries of the heart could wait, he was here to watch some volleyball, so he was gonna watch some fucking volleyball, and he did, he watched it fly right into the bleachers and hit him directly in his face, knocking him right off his seat and onto a bin of throwing javelins that some idiot decided they were too busy to bring to the equipment closet, impaling him through the chest, "God fuckin' dammit." he cursed, the sound muffled by his parka.

"OH SHIT, KENNY!" he heard a familiar voice scream, he recognized it as the voice of the girl who'd been taking up residence in his mind for a good five paragraphs now. "Oh god, oh god! We need to get you to the hospital! SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!" Wendy panicked.

Kenny said something that was muffled out by his parka.

"What?" the girl asked, taking down his hood so she could hear him better.

"I said nice shot, but maybe next time you could aim for the ground." he repeated, his voice strained.

"Oh god, Kenny. I can't believe I did this to you!"

"I just can't believe you got me twice in a row." the boy said absentmindedly, his brain fading fast.

"What?" Wendy asked in confusion, "Oh god, you're losing so much blood!"

The dying boy looked down to see the multiple spears sticking out of his torso, "Eh, don't sweat it, come tomorrow morning you're not even gonna remember any of this." with this assurance Kenny had a thought, an epiphany even! 'She's not gonna remember any of this.' he realized, and while he certainly couldn't date his friend's ex, he could at least take advantage of the good ol' postmortem mind-wipe everyone seems to get whenever he dies, "Hey Wendy, come here." he requested.

The girl moved her face closer to his, only to be surprised a moment later when he leaned in to the best of his abilities and kissed her.

The girl was still shocked and utterly confused when he separated from her and spoke his final words, "See ya at practice next week."

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Kenny woke up the next morning in a state of pure bliss, this had been one of his personal favorite deaths by far. Not so much the death itself, in fact his chest still hurt like hell from it, but mainly for the fact that he'd gotten away with getting a taste of taboo, courtesy of the mouth of one of the few girls he'd always desperately wanted but could never have. Sure, it's not much, but it's something!

Kenny felt like he was on cloud nine… right up until he caught the scent of smoke and brimstone. The boy opened his eyes to find he was currently floating down into a fiery pit, "OH COME THE FUCK ON! IS BEING A PERVERT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE REALLY THAT BAD OF A SIN?!"

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Wendy woke up the next morning with tears in her eyes, yesterday's events burned into her mind. She remembered it so vividly, Kenny's mangled body bleeding out onto the gym floor, that kiss, and his final words, 'See ya at practice next week.'

He lost so much blood, even he probably didn't know what he was talking about. She thought about the other thing the boy said. 'You're not even gonna remember any of this.'

She cried at just how wrong she knew he'd be, she knew for a fact that she'd remember every detail of the boy's death for the rest of her life.

**A/N: Back when I first became a cartoonist, they told me I could make any kind of cartoon I wanted, so I told them I wanted to make South Park because it looks easy as hell to animate and those guys are probably fucking loaded by now, they said I wasn't allowed to because of copyright reasons.**

**WELL LOOK WHERE I AM NOW BITCHES! Right back where I started... On the fanfiction website... Procrastinating my actual work... Like an idiot... But that's fine! I'll have plenty of time to second-guess my decisions when I'm on my death-bed!**

**Anyway, let me know if you thought this sucked or ruled with a review, don't hold back either, I wanna hear some real honest opinions, both good and bad!**


	2. Chapter 2

Wendy stayed home from school the day after Kenny's death, she'd barely left her room the entire weekend, and when she returned on Monday she was dressed in black, earning her a few intrigued looks (as well as a few unwanted flirtations). The girl had her head in her locker when she'd heard a voice from behind her say "Oh shit girl, you're looking sexy as fuck!"

Wendy almost turned around and smacked the latest in a long line of horn-dogs she'd been dealing with since she gotten to school, only to find that this was not one such pervert but instead her best friend since childhood, "Oh, hey Bebe." she greeted the other girl.

"Damn, someone's jumpy today. What's up?" Bebe asked

"I just committed manslaughter, what do you think is up?" she answered in a monotone.

The other girl racked her brain to figure out what her friend was talking about before a vague memory popped into her head, "Oh yeah, Kenny died didn't he. That sucks."

Wendy was surprised and slightly unnerved over how nonchalant Bebe could be over the events of the previous week, "Uh, yeah… At least he's in a better place now." she said with a sigh, looking toward the ceiling.

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Kenny walked through the gates of Hell with all the confidence of a sixteen-year-old pervert stepping through the gym doors to creep on the girls volleyball practice. Surrounded by the other souls of the damned, Kenny was the only one there who didn't look like he was about to shit his jeans, "I- I'm not supposed to be here, I- I'm a Christian!" the man next to him said.

The boy couldn't help but laugh, "Ha, first time?"

The guy looked at him in confusion, "W-What? What do you mean? Is it not yours?" he asked.

Kenny smirked, "Dude, this place is like a home away from home to me at this point."

"What are you, some edgy teenage Satanist or something?"

Kenny shook his head "Nah, I just like him as a friend." he affirmed, "See, I'm actually a Lovecraftian abomination cursed to die over and over again just to wake up the next morning like it never happened." Kenny explained, "The only reason I'm even here right now is because I died with a hard on. Which is a sin, apparently."

"You really expect me to believe that bullshit?" the man asked.

Kenny shrugged "Honestly, I don't really give a fuck if anyone believes me or not at this point. But hey, you've got the rest of eternity to think about it while you get used to the heat, so that's pretty cool, right?" he said with a smirk, watching as the guy's face went pale, it was at this point Kenny noticed a new smell to accompany the smoke and brimstone, "Dude, did you seriously just shit yourself?"

The man didn't answer as they walked toward damnation. The group of lost souls screamed in terror as their path was blocked by a giant wall of flame, "Souls of the damned," a deep booming voice spoke, the fire died down to reveal a huge demonic figure, "WELCOME TO HELL!"

The group continued to scream and cry as the gravity of their situation truly set in… All of them except one, "Hey Satan." Kenny greeted.

The Prince of Darkness' threatening demeanor dropped as he excitedly scanned the group to find the owner of the familiar voice before catching sight of the teenage boy in an orange parka waving a peace sign at him, "Oh my god, is that who I think it is?"

The now confused group of souls separated like the red sea as Kenny walked to the front and lowered his hood, "Who else would wear a winter coat in Hell?"

Satan's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as the teenager approached him "Oh my god, it is you! It's been so long! Look how tall you've gotten!" the demonic entity gushed as he pulled Kenny into a hug.

"Good to see you too big guy." the boy greeted with a laugh.

"Oh man, it feels like forever since the last time you were here, I have so much to tell you!" Satan exclaimed.

"Hey, same here man!" Kenny stated.

"We are definitely catching up while you're down here! But until then…" the ruler of Hell dropped his friend and turned his attention to the rest of the group, "I would like to personally welcome the rest of you to ETERNAL DAMNATION!" he stated as a wall of fire ignited behind him, eliciting another horrified scream from the newest group of lost souls.

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The final bell of the day rang at South Park High and the students left their respective classes, fleeing to their lockers, hoping to get out of the oppressive building as quickly as possible. One student however, was a bit more hesitant than the others. Wendy stood at her locker, debating whether what she was about to do was worth it, 'I have to go pay my respects, I'm the one who killed him for fuck's sake!' she thought to herself.

The girl felt as though she had a moral obligation to attend Kenny's funeral, unfortunately both her parents would be working that day and she didn't have her license yet, so she had no way of getting there. So now she had to swallow her pride, walk up to her ex-boyfriend and his friends, and ask if she could get a ride with them. 'Just get it over with already.' she urged with a sigh.

After finding Stan, Kyle, and Cartman loitering around their lockers, Wendy apprehensively approached the group of teenagers to Cartman's disgust, "Ugh are you seriously crawling back to Stan already?! That's such a fucking bitch thing to do!"

The girl took a deep breath to hold back her frustration, 'Suffer through it, you're doing this for Kenny… Because you killed him, remember?' she reminded herself, "Hey guys, I was wondering-"

"It doesn't matter anyway, Stan's totally over you already." Cartman informed.

"What?! No I'm not!" the boy in question stated, "Wendy I-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP STAN!" Cartman demanded, "And Wendy, you can just go ahead and fuck off. Okay?"

'What am I doing? These two idiots don't even have cars!' she realized before turning to the third member of the group, "Hey Kyle, I was wondering if you could give me a ride to Kenny's funeral this Wednesday. I've got no one else to take me and I'll even pay you if you want, I just really need to pay my respects." she explained.

"Kenny's having a what now?" Kyle asked, shooting a confused look to his friends.

Wendy shook her head in disbelief, unsure if she heard that right, "H- His funeral… It's this Wednesday! You seriously forgot?!" she questioned, shocked and disgusted by the thought.

"Wait wait wait, hold the fuck up… Kenny died?" Cartman asked, "When the fuck did this happen?"

Wendy was getting angrier by the second, "Thursday! He got impaled on a bin of throwing javelins after I hit him in the face with a volleyball!"

"Wait, you killed Kenny?" Stan asked.

"Wow, you really are a fucking bitch." Cartman remarked.

"I didn't- I mean, I did but it was an accident- That's not the point, you're seriously telling me your best friend fucking died and none of you noticed?!"

"I figured he was just sick." Kyle explained.

"He's always so quiet when he's around, I didn't even realize he was gone." Stan pointed out.

"He was kind of a fucking asshole anyway." Cartman stated.

Wendy couldn't believe them, "You know what, nevermind, I'll just get a ride from someone else. Or hell, maybe I'll walk, that way I'll have plenty of time to think about what complete assholes you three are! See you at the funeral, dicks!" she stated before storming away.

"Don't hold your breath bitch, we've already got plans on Wednesday!" Cartman shouted after her.

"Wendy, wait!" Stan exclaimed, running after her. Once he caught up, he laid his hand on her shoulder to get her attention, and gain her attention he did! Much in the same way one might gain the attention of a mother bear by slitting the throat of her cub.

The moment she felt the boy make contact with her, Wendy quickly turned to face him, pulled a can of mace out of her pocket, and proceeded to unload half of it into his eyes. Stan fell to the ground screaming in pain as Kyle and Cartman rushed to his side.

Cartman, naturally, did what any good friend would do in this situation, and uncontrollably laughed his ass off, "Holy shit dude, that was fucking epic! I told you she was a psycho bitch!" he managed to say in between fits of laughter.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY FATASS!" Kyle scolded before turning his attention to his friend's assailant, "Wendy, what the fuck was that about?!"

"Listen to me, all three of you! Don't touch me, don't talk to me, and don't come anywhere near me, you're all disgusting pieces of human shit and I want nothing to do with you!" the girl instructed.

"Yeah?" Cartman asked, his laughter dying down, "Or what, bitch?"

Wendy answered his inquiry by unloading the remainder of her pepper spray into his eyes and delivering a swift kick to his balls. The ground shook as the boy's overweight body collided with it and he started screaming and crying for his mom. Wendy angrily turned to Kyle, silently daring him to say or do anything. He just decided to back off and defensively throw his hands up.

The girl made her way to the exit, the crowd of students who gathered to see the confrontation all rushed to get out of her way, none of them wanting to be on her radar after what they'd just witnessed.

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** "**I just can't believe they could be so heartless!" Wendy lamented, "Even Cartman. Like, I know he's a piece of shit and doesn't care about anyone but himself, but even he should feel something about his friend dying, right?" she explained to her supervisor as she organized papers and filed them away.

"M'kay, well I can see you're pretty distraught about this whole ordeal." Counselor Mackey noted as he watched his assistant work.

"Should I not be? Am I really the crazy one for feeling anything after someone I know fucking died?!" the girl asked, catching her outburst the moment she finished speaking, "Sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"No no, it's fine. You're in a pretty unfortunate position right now so I understand if you let out a few cuss words here and there." the older man assured. "Now I know you're here for your volunteer work and I'm not your counselor anymore, but maybe I could try to help you out a little, m'kay?" he suggested.

Wendy considered the offer, "I mean, I guess it could help to talk to someone about it." she decided.

"That's the spirit! M'kay, now have a seat.", Wendy did as her supervisor said and sat down in front of his desk, "Now why don't you start by telling me how you're feeling right now."

The girl went over all the emotions in her head, "I'm sad that Kenny's dead, horrified that I'm the one who killed him, and disgusted that no one else seems to care!" she listed off.

"M'kay, that's a good start. Now tell me, why did you murder Kenny in cold blood to begin with?"

"I- I didn't murder him!" she defended.

"Don't worry, it's just us here. Now why'd you do it? Did he make you mad? Did he steal your boyfriend? Did you find out he murdered someone close to you and you were out for revenge?" Mackey pestered.

"NO! It was a complete accident, I swear!"

"Oh… Well that's kinda lame." the counselor stated, "M'kay so, just for the record, you didn't end the life of another human being in a fit of rage?"

Wendy considered the question, "Well… I mean, kind of- But I was mad at Stan at the time, not Kenny!" she stressed.

"M'kay, I think I get the picture. So you were mad at Stan and decided to get back at him by murdering his best friend, is that right?"

"No, absolutely not! I would never kill Kenny on purpose!"

"Well, why not?" Mackey inquired.

"W- Why wouldn't I kill somebody? What the fuck kind of a question is that?!"

"M'kay, let's just put a pin in that one for now. So tell me about you and Kenny."

"Me and Kenny? I mean, there's not much to tell. Up until five weeks ago I'd barely said a word to him since preschool."

"M'kay, that's good, we're making progress! Now why do you think that is?"

Wendy thought back to the first time she met Kenny, back when they were kids.

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Although it was only twelve years prior the first day of preschool would feel like a different lifetime to any teenager, although Wendy couldn't help but think about one particular moment from hers that stuck out in her mind. She was all alone on the playground, too shy to approach any of the other kids, with nothing else to do but count the minutes before she got to go back inside.

Suddenly, another kid approached her, a boy with messy blonde hair wearing an orange coat, she watched as he just stood in front of her, seemingly trying to think of something to say. She decided she'd be the one to break the awkward silence, "Hi." she greeted with a small wave.

The boy tensed up on the spot, finally he opened his mouth to speak "Uh, h- Hey I'm… I uh- You're really- Uhh…", not knowing what to say, the boy ran off, leaving her alone once again.

Wendy stood there in confusion. She didn't think she said anything that would scare him away. While she was thinking about the strange interaction, she heard another voice greet her from behind "Hey!", Wendy turned around to find another girl her age "I'm Bebe, you wanna come play on the swings with me?" she asked.

Wendy's face lit up at the offer "Sure!" she instantly agreed, ecstatic over how much more smoothly this interaction was going than her previous one.

The boy, meanwhile, found himself sitting up against a chain-link fence, watching the girl he tried to talk to run off to the swing set with her new friend. "What the hell was that, Ken?!" he heard a familiar voice ask from behind him.

Kenny turned around to see an older boy of around eight years old looking back at him, "Kevin? What are you doing here?" he asked.

"What do you think? I wanted to see how my little bro's first day of school was going, but I can see you're already fuckin' it up." Kevin answered, "So what gives? You looked like you were chattin' up that girl over there but then ya ran away like a little pussy!"

Kenny sighed, "I know, I wanted to talk to her but I walked up to her and she was just really pretty and I got scared."

His older brother grinned, "Well shit, looks like you've got your first crush Ken! First day of school and you're already chasin' skirts!" he stated, "Your flirting needs some work though, you don't wanna be the guy that runs away from girls, like that little goober in the sandbox probably is." he said, pointing at a little blonde kid in a blue shirt.

Kenny's eyes widened in fear, "I don't wanna be like him, that kid smells like butter!"

Kevin nodded "Exactly. Lucky for you, you've got a cool big brother that won't let you end up like Butters over there."

"Thanks Kevin. But… How am I supposed to talk to girls?" the younger boy asked.

"Ya just… Talk to 'em! But you've gotta be confident when ya do it, keep calm and talk smooth, maybe drop a good pickup line to show you're interested."

"But, what if I can't be calm and smooth?"

Kevin thought for a moment as he looked at his brother, "Hmm… I think I get what your problem is, you've just got a little stage fright is all. But hey, you wanna know who else had stage fright? The greatest guitarist who ever lived!"

"Jimi Hendrix had stage fright?"

"No."

"Jimmy Paige?"

"No."

"Kirk Ham-"

"Look, ya wanna keep guessing all day or do ya just want me to tell ya?" Kenny nodded, "The man himself, Slash." the older boy stated.

"Really? Slash is who you consider the greatest guitarist?"

"Shut your blasphemous ass up and listen!" Kevin ordered, "See, the reason Slash wears shades and a big top hat all the time is so he can hide his face from the crowd. They don't see his face, so he can just ignore 'em and focus on playin' his music! Aside from that, he's also got the single greatest look of any rock star out there!"

Kenny thought about what his brother was saying "So, where am I supposed to get shades and a top hat from?" he asked.

"You ain't cool enough to pull that off. But here, put your hood up and pull the strings." the older boy instructed, Kenny did as he was told and obscured his face, "Perfect, I can't see anything around your eyes!" he assured, "Now you've got a real mysterious air around ya, guys are gonna be like 'Who's the kid under the hood?' and by the time they figure out they'll be like 'Oh shit, Kenny McCormick just stole my girl!', ya feel me?"

"Yeah, I think I get the picture." the boy said from behind his parka, his voice now obscured by the fabric.

"Well I didn't hear a fuckin' word of that, but I'm willin' to bet it was some real ladies man talk. Alright, quit fuckin' around, your woman's on the swing set, go get her champ!"

With a newfound wave of confidence, Kenny strutted over to the swing set and approached the girl he'd been wanting to talk to all day. Wendy noticed the now hooded boy walk up as she was swinging and slowed down to talk to him, "Hey, you're the boy from earlier right? I'm Wendy!" she introduced.

"Hey, I'm Kenny! Sorry I ran away earlier, I just couldn't wait to go tell everyone I knew that I just met the most beautiful girl in the world." he explained, impressed with himself at just how fast he came up with a good pickup line and how smoothly he delivered it, 'Damn, the Slash method works!'.

Wendy gave him a confused look, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you say your name was Benny?" she asked.

The boy panicked, "What? No no, Kenny! I'm Kenny!" he corrected, but it was to no avail, the thick coat turned every word he said into a series of muffled grunts.

"Maybe if you took off your hood I could-" the girl and their conversation were cut short however, when her friend started dragging her off.

"Come on Wendy, let's go play jump rope now!" Bebe invited.

"Oh, okay sure, sounds like fun!" Wendy agreed, "Bye Benny, I guess I'll see you around sometime!"

"Bye Wendy." the boy muffled sadly with a wave. And there he stood, watching as the two walked away, she had his undivided attention right up to the moment a particularly heavy child jumped off the swing set and landed right on top of him, smashing his face directly into a rock and killing him.

"HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE STANDING, ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKED UP MY DISMOUNT!" the fat kid shouted in a loud nasally voice.

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"And that was the last time I ever tried talking to her." Kenny lamented before sipping his glass of tea.

"Why? I mean yeah, I can see how that could be discouraging, especially at such a young age, but you never thought about trying again?" Satan asked.

"I mean, of course I did! Man, I would've killed to talk to her again. But then I met Stan and he dropped the bombshell on me that he had a crush on her." he explained.

"Yeah, and?" the Prince of Darkness questioned.

"I mean, I couldn't just keep chasing the girl my friend liked. That's not cool." the boy continued.

"I can't help but notice he didn't show you the same courtesy."

"It's not his fault, he didn't know I liked her. Nobody did! I took that shit to my grave, a whole bunch of times!" Kenny defended, "Besides, I had my shot and I blew it because I was too much of a pussy to just take my fucking hood off." he explained.

"Alright, I guess I see what you mean. You got too nervous the first time you talked to her and he didn't, right?" Satan inquired, already having a feeling he knew the answer.

"I mean… Not exactly." the boy admitted, "He kinda threw up on her the first time he talked to her… And the second… And every time after that for about three years."

The King of Hell nodded, holding back a laugh, "But that wasn't him 'Blowing his shot', right?"

"Gimme a break dude, I just wanted to be a good friend."

"They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Satan reminded.

Kenny smirked, "Really? Because I've walked down that road a few times now and all I saw was bones, fire, and shit." he joked.

"I'm just saying, there's nothing wrong with being a little selfish every once in a while, and if Stan is really a good friend then you two would have been able to come to an understanding."

"What, like I get her Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, he gets her Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, and we alternate Sundays?" the boy teased.

"No, smartass. Also, most people are a little more careful about sassing the Devil. Remember, I can make one phone call and send you up to Heaven with Saddam and the Mormons." Satan reminded. Kenny's grin immediately dropped from his face to be replaced with a look of fear, "That's what I thought."

"Alright, so let's say I did tell Stan, and in this hypothetical scenario he also didn't hate my guts for it. How would we decide which one of us should be with her?"

Satan stared his friend down with a blank look, "Are you fucking serious?" he asked to Kenny's confusion "Aren't you forgetting someone else? You know, someone who might want some kind of say in who she's dating?"

"Oh." Kenny realized, "Holy shit, I'm a fucking retard."

"Exactly, she would have had a choice, and in your warped quest for altruism you took that choice away from her." the Prince of Darkness pointed out, "That's kind of a dick move bro."

"So what, I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't?"

"Of course you are, everyone is, that's why you're supposed to enjoy life before you die." Satan reminded, "But then, you don't really stay dead, do you? You always get another chance. And from what you've told me, it seems like you've got another chance with this girl as well."

Kenny shook his head, "Dude, I can't date my friend's ex. That's like, against the rules!"

The Prince of Darkness rolled his eyes, "There are no rules Kenny, you don't get sole ownership of another person just for dating them. The way I see it, Stan had his shot and blew it. Now you have the shot you never gave yourself and it's up to you not to puss out this time."

"Alright, I'll think about it, let's just stop talking about my love life." Kenny requested as a smirk grew on his face, "Tell me how yours is going, meet any nice guys lately?"

Satan's face lit up, "Oh, I've been waiting all day to tell you! I think I finally met the one, his name is Tyler and he is such a great listener, the way he seems to hang on to every word I say makes me feel like the most important person in the world!"

Kenny listened with a smile as Satan gushed about his new boyfriend, most people might find it funny or even a little off putting to see this giant intimidating entity act like a love struck schoolgirl but Kenny wasn't most people, he was used to being Satan's gossip buddy.

Not to mention, Satan was always happy to listen to his problems and give some pretty good advice about whatever was going on in his life. The boy suddenly had another one of his epiphanies as he sipped his tea 'Holy shit, is this what a parental figure is supposed to be like?!'

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Wendy thought an open casket was an odd decision for Kenny's funeral considering whoever prepared his corpse didn't bother removing the twenty javelins from his chest, she didn't question it though, mainly because she (And everyone else at the service.) heard the boy's father shout "WE'RE GONNA CREMATE HIM LATER ANYWAY, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BLOW MONEY ON A BETTER MORTICIAN?!"

Followed by his mother shouting "YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE! JUST LOOK AT HIS GIRLFRIEND, SHE'S ABOUT TO THROW UP!"

"WELL HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW SHE'D BE HERE?! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND!" the father countered.

Wendy decided they could go without her correcting them on her and Kenny's relationship, they seemed stressed out enough. "Hey." she heard a voice say from beside her.

Wendy looked over to see a younger girl, probably twelve years old standing next to her, "Uh, hey." she greeted in return.

"I'm Karen." the girl introduced.

"Uh… I'm Wendy."

"You're the one who killed my brother, right?" she asked.

Wendy's eyes widened in fear at the thought of having to explain what happened to this young girl, "I uh… I don't… I mean-" she stammered, not knowing what to say.

"Don't worry about it." Karen stated, Wendy was worried that even Kenny's little sister didn't care about him until she spoke again, "I know it was an accident." she assured, "You wouldn't have come if it wasn't."

Wendy let out a small sigh of relief before her eyes started to tear up, the full gravity of what she'd done had just hit her like a rock, she didn't just take Kenny's life, she took this poor girl's brother away from her, and that realization was enough to make her burst into tears, "I'm so sorry." was all she could bring herself to say.

Wendy felt the girl's arm wrap around her, "You've got nothing to be sorry about, I'm sure this has been a hell of a lot harder for you than anyone else."

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Kenny walked into school on Thursday morning, his hood covering the bags under his eyes. The boy found that one of the worst things about dying (You know, aside from the actual dying part.) was how tired he always felt the next morning. Surprisingly enough, the abrupt end of one's own life can really take a lot out of a guy.

The boy yawned as he opened his locker, he felt as though he could fall asleep right there before a calm monotonous voice pulled him out of his daze, "Hey Kenny, I've got all the work you missed."

Kenny turned around to see Craig Tucker holding a stack of papers out toward him, "_For me? Bab__e__, you shouldn't have._" he said sarcastically, "Thanks Craig. So, I miss anything fun while I was out sick?"

Now, maybe it was the exhaustion but Kenny could have sworn he saw his usually emotionless friend smile ever so slightly, "That depends, would you consider Wendy Testaburger unloading a can of mace into Cartman's eyes fun?"

Kenny's face lit up as he gave the other boy his full attention, "You're lying, no way that actually happened, how dare you make that up you sick sadistic fuck, if that happened you would've gotten it on video."

"You bet your sweet little ass I did." Craig affirmed as he pulled out his phone, "It's all there in beautiful HD and widescreen."

Kenny intently watched the screen listening as Cartman said "Yeah? Or what, bitch?" and Wendy sprayed him in the eyes. But then just when he thought it couldn't get any better, he watched as the girl kicked him straight in the balls. Kenny nearly shed a tear of joy as he watched the fat bastard drop to the floor screaming "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" just like he always did back when they were kids.

"Craig, this is the single greatest thing I've ever seen in my life, I could kiss you for showing me this." the boy stated, he wasn't kidding either.

"You don't think your girlfriend would mind?" Craig asked.

"Girlfriend? What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Karen was hanging out with Tricia the other day and I heard her talking about how she was dating Mysterion." the other boy clarified.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." Kenny said with a frustrated sigh, his good mood transitioning back into exhaustion. He could've killed himself right there if it would've made any difference.

"I'm not telling you how to live your life or anything, but I'm pretty sure there's laws against running around in a skintight suit and dating your sister."

"I know, I'm a fucking idiot. I just figured she'd grow out of it by now." the boy lamented. He wasn't entirely sure when the girl had developed a crush on his superhero persona, and he definitely didn't know how to deal with it once he found out she did.

"Why do you even still do that superhero crap anyway?"

Kenny shrugged, "Somebody's gotta protect this town from danger." he answered.

"Yeah, they're called cops and firemen, not some weirdo dressed up like a knockoff Batman character." Craig pointed out.

"Whatever, I'll have plenty of time to worry about this shit when I'm not totally exhausted." Kenny assured, "Now play the video again before class starts."

"What about that kiss you offered?"

"The offer expired when you made fun of my suit. Now play it bitch."

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"You okay Wendy? You look kinda depressed." Bebe noted as she and her friend walked to school.

"I just went to a funeral. Of course I'm depressed." the other girl answered.

"Oh shit, what? Who died?"

"Ke-… Ya know what, I guess it really doesn't matter." Wendy lamented as she and her friend entered the school, "I'm just glad I can finally start moving on now that-" the girl froze in place as she witnessed something impossible.

She rubbed her eyes in disbelief, certain she was hallucinating, but no, the image remained, right before her very eyes stood a boy in an orange parka standing next to Craig Tucker, laughing his ass off at something on his phone. "Uh Wendy?" Bebe called, worried by the fact that her friend looked like she'd just seen a ghost.

Bebe watched as her best friend rushed off into Kenny and Craig's direction. Kenny, distracted by his fifth viewing of Cartman getting kicked in the balls, hadn't even noticed the girl until she was right in front of him, his face immediately lighting up as he saw her "Oh shit, there's my new hero! We were just watching you turn lard ass into a crying little bi-"

Kenny was cut short by Wendy pulling down his hood, she watched as the boy's eyes widened in surprise, 'It really is him.' she thought in amazement, still not completely believing what she was seeing.

"Uh…" Kenny wasn't entirely sure how to react to what was going on. Craig was however, and he walked away without a word, successfully removing himself from the potentially awkward confrontation.

"You can't be real." Wendy stated outright, unable to take her eyes off the boy's face.

Kenny forced a laugh "I mean, yeah. I know I'm drop-dead gorgeous and all, but…", this wasn't right, was she hitting on him? Was seeing him without his hood really enough to bring his fear/desire to life and accidentally seduce the girl? No, that's insane. But then why was she staring at him like he was some kind of supernatural creature like Bigfoot or a zomb-

The boy's eyes widened in realization and fear. No, that couldn't be it, there's no way she remembered. "I watched you die." she finally said in disbelief.

Yep, that was it.

Kenny grabbed Wendy by the hand and ran off to the nearest janitor's closet, pulling her inside and locking the door, "I must be hearing shit, can you please repeat that last thing you said to me?" he requested.

"I watched you get impaled and die… I went to your funeral…" suddenly, the girl started tearing up, "I mourned for you." her hand then clenched into a fist, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!" she shouted before ramming her fist into the boy's stomach.

Kenny hissed in pain before falling to the ground "Holy shit!" he exclaimed, trying to catch his breath, "You hit harder than my dad!" he noted, not even mad, just impressed.

"What, did you fake your death just to fuck with me? Was this all some kind of sick joke?!" Wendy asked, "Have you and your friends just been laughing at me behind my back while I've spent the week going through Hell?!"

"Look, I can explain everything!" the boy assured, getting up from the ground.

"Alright, explain then!" she demanded, crossing her arms.

It was then that Kenny realized a slight problem with his explanation, "You'll never believe me." he stated.

"Try me."

While he had a pretty good feeling he was about to waste his breath, the boy decided to try explaining anyway, "I'm an immortal being cursed to die over and over again and wake up the next morning like it never happened. Sometimes I'll spend a week in Hell if I die committing some kind of mortal sin but no matter what I always come back."

Wendy looked at him like he was insane, "Alright, I don't believe you."

Kenny sighed in response, "Yeah, I know you don't." he then pulled out his cell phone and opened his contacts, "What's your number?" he asked.

The girl was put off by the odd request, "Why do you need to know?"

"So I can prove I'm telling the truth." he answered as he handed her his phone.

Wendy hesitantly took the device and entered her name and number into its contact list, "I swear, if you send me a dick pic or something I will not hesitate to call the police." she warned before handing it back to him.

"What do I look like, some kinda cheap slut?… Ya know what, don't answer that."

"So how exactly is this going to prove you're telling the truth?"

"Watch." Kenny requested before putting his hood up and coming out of the closet… Not like in the gay way, but like in the literal way. Wendy observed as he walked to the middle of the hall and took a deep breath, "Hey, who wants to see a Krazy Kenny trick?!" he shouted, gaining the attention of everyone in the surrounding area.

A crowd of students (And even a few teachers.) formed around him, a crowd that Wendy had to shove her way through, 'What the hell is he doing?' she wondered as she watched a few people throw money at his feet like some kind of circus act.

"Now before I do this I just want everyone to know not to be alarmed." he stated before pulling a revolver out of his pocket, "This is not a shooting." he assured, although that didn't exactly stop the crowd from backing off a little as Kenny put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger, blowing his brains and a little stuffing from his hood onto the ceiling as well as the group of teenagers behind him.

Wendy watched in horror as the scene unfolded, she couldn't believe it, yet again she was the witness to this boy's death! The entire hallway was quiet, probably out of shock and fear, right up until she heard a familiar voice shout "OH MY GOD, KENNY SHOT HIMSELF!"

Followed by another voice shouting "YOU BASTARDS!"

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Wendy woke up the next morning with a jolt, her mind having been plagued with nightmares of Kenny's demise all night. She was sure he faked it at first, that this was all just one big elaborate joke that everyone but her was in on. But no, his hood fell off when his body was hauled away, and the gaping hole in the back of his head confirmed it to be real.

The girl's train of thought was broken by the ring of her phone, she picked it up and read an unknown number from the screen before picking it up, "Hello?"

Once again she looked as though she saw a ghost when she heard Kenny's voice on the other end say "So, ya believe me yet?"

** A/N: There ya go, a nice girthy chapter. Plenty of reading material for ya until I finish the next one. Until next time, remember these three rules:**

**1\. Satan's pretty rad.**

**2\. Lovecraftian abominations are people too.**

**3\. "I'm busy writing fanfiction." is apparently not a legitimate excuse to miss work. Learn from my mistake and just call in sick, honesty is for schmucks.**


	3. Chapter 3

Kenny and Wendy sat at a booth in Tweek Bros. Coffee Shop, the girl listening to every word as Kenny explained his situation, "I can't believe this." she stated in awe.

Kenny nodded and sipped his drink, "I know right? I asked for a black coffee… This is just boiled water." he complained before turning to the barista, "Yo Tweek!"

"AH!" the jittery young man shouted, "WHAT'S WRONG?! DID SOMETHING BREAK?! OH GOD, YOU'RE NOT CHOKING ARE YOU?!"

"No dude, everything's fine" Kenny assured, "I just wanted to let you know you might've forgotten a step or two when you made my coffee." he informed as he handed over his drink.

Tweek looked inside the cup, "AH! OH GOD, I'M SO SORRY!" he apologized, "I KNEW I COULDN'T HANDLE THE SHOP ON MY OWN, THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!"

"Dude, it's cool, shit happens." Kenny assured with a laugh.

"I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH YOUR COFFEE! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE A BAD YELP REVIEW BEFORE I GET BACK!" the energetic teenager begged before running back to fix his mistake.

"Take your time." Kenny said before turning back to Wendy, "So yeah, I think that covers the basics, everything from the Cthulhu cult to my casual friendship with Satan."

"So wait, your parents worship Cthulhu?" the girl asked.

Kenny shook his head, "No, they just went to the meetings because they had free beer." he corrected before rubbing his neck in embarrassment "You uh… You said you went to my funeral, right? I guess you must have met them there."

"Kind of… They spent most of the time arguing so I didn't exactly have a chance to talk to them." Wendy explained.

Kenny rolled his eyes, "Figures."

"I did get to talk to Karen though." the girl said with a smile.

The boy smiled in return "She's great, right?"

Wendy nodded, "She actually comforted me when I started crying."

"How'd she hold up? I always worry about her when I'm in Hell. Like, I know she'll just forget anyway but still."

"She stayed strong the whole time I was there." she assured.

Kenny grinned, "That's my girl." the boy chuckled as he became fully aware of the situation he was in, "Holy shit, I have never been able to talk about any of this shit with anyone. I love it!"

At that moment, Tweek had walked over with Kenny's replacement drink, "AH! HERE YOU GO!" he said as he placed the cup on the table.

"Hey Tweek, you remember yesterday when I blew my brains out in front of the whole school?" Kenny asked.

"WHAT?! DO I?! THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN! OR DID IT?! AH! STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD!" the other boy exclaimed as he ran off into the back room.

"See?"

Wendy shook her head, "I mean, this is Tweek we're talking about."

In this moment, the bell on the door rang to signal the arrival of a new customer, and lucky for Kenny, it was just the man to prove his point, "Craig! Over here dude!"

The other boy approached the table, "Hey Kenny, hey Wendy." he greeted.

"Tell me something Craig, if you saw something crazy happen you'd remember it, right?" Kenny asked.

"Crazy how?" he asked.

"Like yesterday, when I blew my brains out in the middle of the hall, you remember that, right?"

Craig stared at Kenny with a blank look, "You might be able to pull shit like that on Butters but I'm a little less naive." he stated in his signature monotone, "Besides, I would've gotten something like that on video." Craig pulled out his phone to prove his point, "And look at that, there's nothing- Wait a minute."

Kenny gave his friend a curious look, "What's up?"

"There is a new file in my phone but it's corrupted. Weird."

Craig didn't care enough to stress about the subject, as his boyfriend had just come out of the back room, "CRAIG!" the barista shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"What do you think? I wanted to see you." he stated, pulling the other boy into a kiss.

Kenny silently gestured Wendy toward the door and left the cash for their drinks on the table before leaving as Craig and Tweek continued making out in the middle of the shop. "So, what do you think?" the boy asked once they were outside.

"I think the same thing everyone else thinks." Wendy answered, "Those two are adorable together."

"No- I mean, yeah that's definitely true." Kenny admitted, "But I'm talking about the whole immortality thing. Do you seriously believe me?" he asked.

The girl thought about it for a second before coming to a decision, "Yeah, I think I do." she answered.

"Why?"

Wendy was surprised by his reaction, "I mean, I watched you die twice." she reminded.

"Yeah, that's the part I don't get. Why do you remember? Nobody else ever does, my family doesn't, none of my friends do, so what gives?"

"I don't know." the girl admitted, "Maybe because I'm the one who killed you?" she suggested.

Kenny shook his head, "Plenty of people have killed me and none of them ever remembered. Not to mention, this wasn't even the first time you did it." he pointed out.

"What?!"

"Yeah, the day you broke up with Stan, I was under his car when you smacked the hood and knocked the engine loose. Landed right on my head." he explained

Wendy was shocked by this new revelation, "I don't remember you being there at all."

Kenny smirked "Do you at least remember someone telling you how nice your shoes were?" he asked, the girl shook her head, "Then I'll say it again, they're really nice. You should wear 'em tomorrow when we all go out to celebrate." he suggested.

"Celebrate?" the girl asked.

"Yeah. You know, after you and the girls beat those Middle Park bitches into the dirt at the big game tonight!" he reminded.

"Wait, that's tonight?!" she asked, "I've had so much on my mind I completely forgot!"

"Well you'd better get your head in the game, Ms. Team Captain. I know I'm not getting all dressed up to watch you guys lose."

"You're coming to watch?"

"I'm the Honorary Cheerleader, remember? If anything, I'm coming to show off." he said with a wink as he walked away.

While Wendy was absolutely horrified by what that statement could mean, she felt as though she could trust Kenny enough not to worry. After all, they'd been through so much together at this point, she knew his greatest secret, she killed him (Twice, apparently.) and they'd even shared a ki- the girl gasped as she remembered, with everything that happened in the past week she'd forgotten all about one enormous detail.

Wendy put her hand to her lips as the memory shot to the front of her mind. She had to think for a second whether she was misremembering it or not. 'No, it definitely happened.' she confirmed to herself.

In his dying breath, Kenny McCormick had kissed her.

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Kenny looked into his bathroom mirror with a tube of lipstick pressed to his mouth, carefully applying the makeup to his face. Once he was done, the boy stepped back to admire himself, with a black cut-off T-shirt and an orange short-skirt, he was really looking the part of the team's cheerleader, "Fuck I'm hot." he complimented before noticing he was no longer alone.

Kenny turned to see his father standing out in the hall, watching through the opened door with an expression that wasn't quite horrified and wasn't quite disappointed, but was definitely uncertain of how to deal with what he'd just walked in on, "Holy shit, the guys at the bar were right." the older man finally said before chugging the beer in his hand.

"About what? The fact that your underage son would be sexy as fuck if he were a girl?" Kenny asked with a smirk, "Gonna be honest dad, that's kinda fucked up."

The boy's father shook his head before speaking again, "This is for one of your weird stunts right? You're not actually- Not that I'd have a problem with it, you'll always be my son… Or daughter… Or-"

"I'm not trans, dad." Kenny affirmed with an amused grin.

"What about-"

"Not gay either."

The man paused before opening his mouth again, "Bisexual?"

Kenny thought about that one for a second, "I mean, I've never really tried it out or anything… Let's just say I'm definitely a guy who's definitely into girls. In fact, the girl's volleyball game is where I'm going tonight, I'm kinda like their cheerleader." the boy explained.

His father nodded in understanding, "Uh huh… Ya know, when I was in high school, I picked up cheerleaders by joining the football team." the man explained.

"Exactly, so you get it!"

"No, I mean-"

Kenny started tearing up "I don't care what you say dad, this is who I am, I'm gonna go out there and cheer my heart out, and we're gonna win that championship and save the community center! All those crack addicted orphan break dancers are counting on us and I'm not gonna let them down just because you can't accept me!" he shouted over dramatically.

"Are you high right now?!" the older man asked, backing away slightly.

Kenny started laughing, "Smoked half a joint before I got changed!" he admitted, "I'm gonna finish the rest when I get there." the boy stated before capping the tube of lipstick and sticking it into his shirt pocket next to the weed.

"Well, have fun… I guess." the older man said as he walked away.

Kenny went to his room, giggling to himself as he grabbed his boombox from beside his bed, he'd spent all day putting together the perfect mix-tape for the occasion. Granted, he probably could've compiled all the songs in five minutes on his phone, but where's the fun in that? "I knew it." he heard the voice of a younger girl say from behind him.

"Joke all you want Karen, you know you're jealous." Kenny stated.

"Why should I be? You're wearing my makeup." the girl pointed out.

"And I wear it flawlessly." he said, "I'm also borrowing it for the night, is that cool with you?"

"_Anything for my big sister._" Karen said with a smirk, "So what, do I call you Kendra now?"

Kenny shook his head, "No, when I'm in drag you'll refer to me as Kenni with an I."

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"You are unbelievable." Wendy stated.

"Seriously." Bebe agreed.

"Ladies please, I know how great I was, but come on, we know you're the real MVPs tonight." Kenny complimented as he walked the girls home.

"We lost, dumbass." Bebe reminded with an amused grin.

"By one fucking point because that ref was a total bitch! That last ball was out!" he exclaimed, "In a just world, the game would've gone into overtime and you would've won!"

"I know it was a bullshit call but did you really have to call her a 'stupid blind C-word'?" Wendy asked.

"Did I say that?" Kenny asked, the girls nodded, "Huh… I could've swore I said the actual word." the boy shook his head, "Doesn't really matter, as far as I'm concerned, you guys were the real winners." he said before placing his boombox down on the sidewalk and pressing the play button, "LET'S GO!" he shouted as he started dancing to the song Jerk It Out by Caesers Palace.

The girls couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably as they watched the drag queen mosh himself around like he was having some kind of horrible seizure, the three were having so much fun that they hadn't noticed that someone had come out of the house they were loitering in front of, "Kenny, what the fuck?"

The group had turned to find they were joined by another teenager, "Hey Stan." Kenny said with a grin, "What's up?"

"What's up?" the other boy repeated, "What are you doing here? And why are you wearing a skirt?" he asked before turning to the other two members of the group, backing off substantially when he saw his ex-girlfriend, "And hanging out with Bebe and Wendy? What the hell's going on?"

Kenny turned off his stereo and walked over to the two girls, wrapping his arms around both of them, "What's wrong dude? You act like you've never seen three beautiful women dancing on your front yard in the middle of the night before." he said, eliciting a laugh from his two companions.

"I… Uh…" Stan wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that, "I guess I'll see you later?"

"Maybe." the boy answered with a grin, "See ya around dude!". Stan shook his head in confusion as he walked back into his house. Once he was gone Kenny looked between the girls "_O.M.G. he totally just said he wants to see me tomorrow, I think he likes me!_" Kenny said in a fake valley girl accent, making the two laugh once again.

"You are such a fucking tool!" Bebe teased.

Kenny laughed in return as he picked up his boombox, "Yeah, kinda." he admitted, "Now come on, let's get you two home so I can get a head start on carrying this forty pound antique two neighborhoods over to my house."

The three continued their trek home, Bebe's house was first. The three said their goodbyes leaving Kenny and Wendy to continue their journey alone, "Kenny, we need to talk." the girl stated bluntly.

"Of course we do, how else would we communicate?" the smartass replied with his cheekiest grin.

"You kissed me." Wendy reminded, not really wanting to joke around with this subject.

Kenny's eyes widened in surprise as he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, "Oh shit."

"Why?" she asked simply.

Kenny gulped at the question and let out an awkward laugh, "Well uh… See, the thing is I kinda figured you wouldn't remember." he admitted, "Ya know, because nobody ever remembers my… Like, I thought I could get away with it, but then… Well, you know… For some reason-"

"You thought I wouldn't remember, so you kissed me. Why? Did you just want some cheap thrill before you died?"

"No, that's not-"

"Would you have done the same thing if someone else came up to you, like Bebe or Red?"

"No, I-"

"So why me specifically? Do you like me or something?"

"That's… A really tough question for me to answer." the boy expressed.

"Just be honest with me, please?"

"You're…" Kenny began, trying to find the right words, "You're Stan's ex."

"What?" the girl questioned before understanding what the boy was saying, "Oh…"

The boy nodded, "Yeah. You're smart, you get the idea, you're kinda off limits for me."

"Kenny, you know Stan doesn't own me, right?" Wendy questioned.

"It's not about that, or you, or even Stan, I couldn't betray any of my friends like that. Like, even Cartman, and I hate that fat fuck. But let's pretend he was anything close to something resembling a likable human being, and in that crazy bizarro dimension he also managed to have a boyfriend-"

"Boyfriend?"

Kenny muttered a curse under his breath and looked around to be sure they were alone, "That little slip stays between us, okay?" Wendy nodded in understanding while also noting that she would certainly not be forgetting what she'd heard, "But you get what I'm saying, right?

"I think so, so you're saying you like me but you can't admit it because that would go against some stupid rule?" she questioned.

"Yeah, that's right." the boy answered, his eyes widening in realization after he did, "No wait, shit. I mean-"

"So how long has this been going on? What, did you suddenly find yourself falling in love while you were creeping on me and my friends at practice?" she questioned.

"You kn-"

"OF COURSE WE FREAKING KNEW! What, did you seriously think we wouldn't notice that the school's biggest pervert had suddenly gained a newfound interest in girls volleyball?!"

Kenny thought about it for a second, "In my defense, I actually did end up liking the game a lot more than I thought I would." he explained, "But no, that's not when I started liking you."

"So when was it exactly?" the girl asked.

'Ya know what, fuck it. She already knows the big two secrets, might as well tell her everything.' the boy mentally decided, "Preschool." he finally answered.

Wendy shook her head, that definitely wasn't the answer she was expecting, "You're… You're serious?" Kenny nodded in affirmation, "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I did! The first thing I ever said to you was a pickup line but you didn't hear it." the boy admitted.

"Because you had your hood up…" she realized.

"Yeah, the whole 'cover your face so you don't get nervous' thing doesn't really work when you've got an inch of cloth covering your mouth." he lamented, "By the time anyone could figure out what the fuck I was saying, I was already friends with Stan, and since he liked you I never tried again. Hell, I freaking avoided you for over ten years because I was so afraid of fucking everything up."

Wendy thought about it. Sure, they never really talked over the years, but was that seriously because he was avoiding her?

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Wendy thought back to when they were around eight or nine years old, she passed the boy on the sidewalk and said a polite "Hi Kenny."

In return, he let out a muffled scream from behind his hood and jumped a nearby fence to get away from her. Funny enough, she remembered the sound of growling, barking, and screaming from behind the fence when he was out of sight, 'He probably died that day too.'

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Another memory she had from around the same time was of herself walking past him in the hallway, same basic idea, she said a polite "Hi Kenny." and he jumped into a nearby trash can that was then taken away by the janitor.

She recalled the janitor tripping over something and knocking the can down three flights of stairs. 'Holy shit, how many times did I accidentally kill Kenny?' she wondered.

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Finally, she recalled one last memory of walking into class, she was early and the only ones in the room were her, Kenny, and Mr. Garrison. "Hi Mr. Garrison, Hi Kenny." she greeted, Kenny looked at her before throwing himself through a closed window, breaking the glass and falling out of the building, likely to another of his many deaths.

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"Holy shit, you really have been avoiding me." the girl stated in realization.

"Yeah, can ya blame me? First time I actually talked to you in years and I came right out and kissed you." he stated, 'This whole time I've been afraid of accidentally seducing her. Bullshit, I'm just a horn-dog with no self control.' the boy concluded to himself.

"So, you went through all that trouble because you were afraid of hurting your friend?" she asked, Kenny nodded, "That's really sweet of you Kenny." the girl admitted.

"_Yeah, I'm a freaking saint. The kind that frenches his buddy's ex just one day after they break up._" he said sarcastically, 'Yeah, it was stupid but come the fuck on! I never ask for anything, then the one time, the one time I do something selfish, I end up having a heart to heart on the side of the road, freezing my balls off in this dumbass skirt! TEN FUCKING YEARS I KEPT THIS SHIT UP, AND FOR WHAT?! It doesn't matter now, everything literally everything is out in the open now!' he mentally berated. The boy sighed, he could worry about himself later, right now he realized there was something more important he had to do, "I'm really sorry I took advantage of you like that by the way, it was stupid and impulsive and I shouldn't have done it. I just figured it was like my one chance, ya know?"

Wendy nodded in understanding, "You know I'd usually smack a guy for doing something like that, right?" she asked.

Kenny held his arms behind his back and leaned in, "Go ahead, I deserve it." he invited, closing his eyes and bracing for impact. But the impact never came. Well, not in the form of a smack anyway, but what did come next hit him harder than any truck that had run him over in the past.

"Go on a date with me." Wendy requested.

"Do a what now?" the boy asked in confusion.

"Nothing serious, I'm not gonna let you cop a feel or anything. You know, unless you're that serious about wanting to get smacked." she warned, "Just come hang out with me tomorrow."

Did Kenny die and go to heaven? Well yeah, but not recently. Clearly he was dreaming because there's no fucking way this was real! Of course, there was still one tiny detail keeping him grounded in reality, "Look, I want to, I really do. But I can't do that to Stan." he reaffirmed, 'Now please don't ask again because I definitely can't say no twice.' he mentally begged.

"Stan doesn't have sole ownership over me just because we dated, if he can't accept that then he just needs to grow up and move on. I'm my own person and I can do whatever I want, and what I want is to go out on a date with you." the girl stated.

There were a few voices screaming within Kenny's mind in that moment, he heard Kevin saying 'Come on dude, get your woman!', Satan saying 'This is your second chance, don't puss out.', and his own muffled voice saying 'Don't do it, this is gonna blow up in your face!' however, he didn't hear that last one too well as it was overshadowed by a far louder and clearer version of his voice saying 'DO IT YOU FUCKING MORON! SCREW YOUR DUMBASS MORAL CODE, IT ONLY EVER GETS YOU KILLED ANYWAY!' which wasn't necessarily wrong… "Fuck it, let's do it. I'll pick you up tomorrow at twelve. And you'd better be ready because I'm gonna romance the absolute shit out of you, I'm gonna make you feel as close to a princess as I can with my last twenty bucks, that work for you?"

Wendy nodded, "Sounds good to me." she said with a smile before walking up her driveway "See you around Kenny."

The boy watched as she disappeared through her front door. He was torn, on one hand he'd just abandoned his principles and went behind one of his best friend's back, on the other hand he just landed a date with his dream girl. "I guess I'm just gonna be the douche that goes out with his friend's ex." he said to himself, and miraculously, once he accepted that fact, he couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face as he picked up his boombox from the ground and turned it on, blasting out the song Round and Round by Ratt and belting out the lyrics as he walked down the street.

He didn't even care how many people leaned out their windows screaming at him to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

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After waking up at around eleven in the morning, Wendy stepped into the shower to begin preparation for her date. Of the fifteen minutes she spent in there, only five of them were used to actually clean herself. The remaining ten mainly consisted of her thinking about the night before and the day ahead of her.

'Why did I ask him out?' she wondered. Was it pity? Did his story about a lifelong attraction that he could never pursue move her in some tragic Shakespearean way? Or was it the idea of Stan inadvertently dictating what she could do and who she could date that led her to act out of some kind of impulsive rebellion?

'Maybe this was a bad idea.' she thought to herself as she got out of the shower, 'Kenny's like the nicest guy ever, I'd hate to lead him on.'

Once she was dressed, Wendy picked up her phone to check the time, she turned it on to find she'd gotten a text from the man himself, "I'll be there in a few minutes." it read.

The time was 10:56, "At least he's punctual." she said to herself before pocketing her phone. 'Screw it, it's too late to back out now. I might as well just try to have a good time.' she decided.

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Kenny dragged a cigarette as he drove his dad's truck to Wendy's house, "Weed or tobacco, which scent would she be more offended by?" was the question of the morning before the boy left his house. In the end, he decided on the lesser (Greater? Whatever.) of the two evils to calm his nerves.

At the last stop sign before his destination he put out the cigarette in his truck's ash tray and waved the remaining smoke out the window, an action that he would come to regret when he heard the siren behind him, "Oh what the fuck? Seriously?!" he cursed as he watched a pudgy cop make his way up to his window, "What seems to be the problem Officer Barbrady?" he asked with a fake smile.

The policeman twirled his baton around in a failed attempt to look intimidating, "Couldn't help but notice there was an awful lot of smoke coming out of your vehicle. And I'm not talking about exhaust." he clarified, "You wouldn't happen to be on that Mary-jane now, would you?" he asked.

"W- What?"

"Ya know, the green stuff? Weed, pot, buds, reefer, ring any bells? Or has the dope already rotted your mind?"

"Dude, you know weed's legal in this state, right?" Kenny asked.

"Ha! Nice try kid, but you're gonna have to come up with something better than that to fool ol' Officer Barbrady!"

"Seriously! Weed's been legal in Colorado since 2014." the boy explained, "There's even a pot shop right up the road where the KFC used to be!"

"Ratting out your dealer won't get you out of this one, doper."

Kenny sighed in frustration, "Look, even if it wasn't legal, which it totally is, I'm not even on it! I was smoking a regular cigarette." he explained.

"Oh is that so?" the cop asked, "Well then, I guess you wouldn't mind taking a breathalyzer test then!" he stated.

The boy thought about his current situation for a moment before deciding he'd probably get out of this quicker if he just played along, "Alright gimme the tube, I'll blow into it."

The test took five minutes, two of which consisted of Kenny showing Officer Barbrady how to actually use the machine, "Well I'm sorry for hassling you kid. Looks like you passed after all."

'Of course I did, a breathalyzer's for booze not weed. I could've smoked a bag of meth and still passed.' Kenny thought to himself, but he wasn't gonna tell the officer that, "Yeah thanks a lot, now I'm gonna be late for my date."

"Aww, that's so sweet!" the man obliviously replied, "Who's the lucky lady?"

"Your mom." Kenny answered before driving away.

Once alone, Officer Barbrady walked back to his car, completely distraught over what he now had to do. He picked up his radio's receiver, "This is Officer Barbrady requesting backup, I just received an anonymous tip of an elderly woman engaged in a relationship with a sixteen-year-old boy." he relayed before bursting into tears.

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Wendy couldn't help but feel worried when Kenny was running late. Of course the thought crossed her mind that he might have died on his way to her house, was it a little sadistic that she didn't consider that the worst case scenario? Probably, but considering her experience with Stan always being late or completely missing dates, she had reason to be worried.

Luckily, Kenny was only a few minutes off schedule and when he did show up she almost couldn't get him to stop apologizing, "Seriously, it's okay." the girl said with a laugh, "It's not your fault the cops in this town are idiots."

"Right? Like, I'm pretty sure they're getting stupider by the day!"

"Exactly, if it wasn't for Mysterion this town would be doomed." Wendy said with a sigh, "I can't imagine how Kyle deals with all that on his own."

Kenny looked at his passenger, "Kyle?" he questioned.

The girl looked back, "Yeah, Kyle. He's Mysterion, right?"

"I mean… Yeah, but don't just go saying that. You can't just go outing a guy's secret identity like that, it's not cool dude." the boy explained, returning his eyes to the road, 'Good to know I've still got one secret she doesn't know about.' he thought to himself.

"Whatever you say, _Mosquito_." she teased.

"What are you talking about, I wasn't Mosquito." Kenny admitted.

Wendy shot him a confused look, "Then which one were you?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the boy asked, Wendy shook her head, "Super-Craig." he answered with a grin.

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While many might not consider a mall food court to be the _nicest_ location for a first date, and many might consider some of the food there to be _inedible_, the convenience of the venue was reason enough to hang out there while the pair waited for the next movie to start.

"You did what?!" Wendy asked, unsure if she heard Kenny's last statement correctly.

"I sang opera for a while back when I was a kid." he confirmed, "I got real good at it too, even spent some time singing in Eastern Europe."

"That's amazing!" the girl complimented, "But why didn't you keep it up?"

Kenny shrugged, "I died. I woke up back in America and moved on. It was pretty sweet while it lasted though."

"Did you have to learn a new language while you were over there."

The boy nodded, "I'm fluent in Romanian."

"Really? Say something for me." Wendy requested.

"As muri fericit de o mie de ori pentru privilegiul de a ejacula in tine." he said without missing a beat.

"That sounds so beautiful. What does it mean?" the girl asked.

Kenny paused for a moment before answering, "It means I'm gonna go grab a refill." he lied as he grabbed his empty cup and took it back to the Taco Bell he got it from, "Hey, can I get another Dr. Pepper?" he requested, still giving his undivided attention to his date in the distance as she ate her salad.

The boy couldn't take his eyes off her, it would've taken an absolute miracle to catch his attention… A miracle that he was sure he heard right behind him, "Hello there, children!" he heard from within the taco shop, it was a voice he hadn't heard in years, one that he was sure he would never hear again.

Kenny spun around to face the person who addressed him, and while it certainly wasn't some scrawny white guy, it also wasn't the large black man he was hoping to see, "Not cool Satan."

The Prince of Darkness chuckled, "Sorry, I couldn't resist. So, how do you like the new look?" he asked, gesturing to his chef hat and apron that said "Cookin' With Hellfire!"

"It suits you, I always knew the food here had to be the Devil's work." the boy joked, "By the way, speaking of… Him."

Satan shrugged "Sorry, no luck yet. I even checked with God and he can't find him in Heaven either." he affirmed, "Now, you're sure he's actually dead, right?"

"Nobody could've survived the fall he took, trust me, I've died from at least half that height." Kenny assured.

"I'll keep searching for you, but souls don't just disappear like that, especially not for this long." the Prince of Darkness explained.

"I know, that's what bugs me about it." the boy lamented.

"Getting off that subject, I see you took my advice." Satan said, gesturing to the girl in the distance, "You asked her out?"

"Sorta, kinda, the other way around. But I did say yes!"

"Kenny, that's great! I'm so happy for you!" the Prince of Darkness gushed, "Are you still worried about what Stan will think?" he asked.

"Terrified." the boy answered simply, "But screw it, whatever happens happens, I'll deal with it when I get to it. Until then I'm just gonna enjoy the ride."

Satan nodded, "That's what I like to hear." he said with a smile.

After the Prince of Darkness refilled his soda, Kenny returned to his table to continue his date, "Sorry I took so long." he apologized.

"Long line?"

"Nah, nothing like that. A really good friend of mine was working the register and we started talking a little."

"Oh? Anyone I know?" Wendy asked.

"You will. Everyone does eventually." Kenny assured.

"That's… A little ominous and creepy."

"Shit, sorry I thought it would sound cool." the boy apologized, "It's just Satan."

"Satan works at a Taco Bell?"

"I know, right? You'd think with all his experience he could at least land a gig at Pizza Hut." the boy concurred, "Anyway, the movie's about to start. I've only got enough for the tickets, but don't worry, I came prepared." he stated before opening his parka to reveal half a bag of off-brand pixie sticks and a can of re-fried beans.

"Beans?" Wendy questioned with a laugh.

"Didn't I tell you I'd treat you like a princess?" he replied with a wide grin.

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Kenny had to hand it to himself, it was Monday afternoon and he'd been able to effectively avoid Stan since Friday night. Even now, instead of having lunch with his friends, he was slumped against a wall out behind the school, smoking cigarettes and hanging out with the goth kids, "Hey, conformist." he heard the tall one with the curly hair say.

'What the fuck was his name again?' Kenny wondered to himself, "What's up?" he asked.

"You seem kind of bummed out today." the other teenager pointed out.

Kenny gave the other boy a blank look, "You guys seem kind of bummed out every day."

"Yeah, but that's our thing." the sole female member of the group pointed out, "You usually only come out here for five minutes a day to smoke a cigarette."

'Her name's Henrietta, I'm like 89% sure of it.' the boy thought to himself, "Yeah, well today was feeling more like a three or four cigarette day." he said, "What's it matter? We're all gonna die anyway."

"True." the goths all said in unison.

"So what's brought you over to the dark side?" the youngest one asked.

'That one's definitely named Firkle. No way I could forget a name like Firkle.' Kenny affirmed to himself, "Well before I get my eyeliner on and tear up my skinny jeans, just keep in mind that my life's the best it's ever been at the moment. I'm only bummed out because I know it's gonna go to shit really soon."

"Dude, pre-emptive nihilism is so freaking goth." the one with a red streak in his hair complimented.

"Thanks, I guess." he said before dragging his cigarette. Kenny supposed he should probably learn these guys' names. After all, he was probably gonna have to find some new friends once he told Stan he was dating Wendy. 'I wonder if I'd look good in black.'

**A/N: Kenny would probably look good in black, in case you were wondering.**


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm telling you guys, I know what I heard!" Stan reiterated to his friends in as close to a shout as he could get without being bitched at for 'Disrupting the study hall again'.

'Tell him.' Kenny mentally commanded himself.

"Nobody's saying you don't, I'm just saying that maybe there some another explanation." Kyle reasoned.

'Tell him.'

"She's going over to some guy's house today after school! What other explanation is there?!" Stan asked.

'Tell him.'

"Maybe they're just studying." Kyle suggested.

"Yeah, studying." Cartman chimed in, "AKA fucking. Gross dirty hippie fucking." he specified to Stan's horror.

'Dude, that would rule!' Kenny thought, 'No wait, shit. Focus, dumbass. You've gotta tell him!'

"Shut up Cartman!" Kyle scolded.

"I don't see what you're still so bummed out about anyway, that psycho maced you, and more importantly me, for no reason." the fat boy pointed out, "She's always been a bitch but now I think she's officially graduated to cunt status."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CARTMAN!" Stan and Kenny shouted in unison.

"HEY! THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING, IF YOU LITTLE BASTARDS CAN'T KEEP QUIET THEN ALL FOUR OF YOU ARE GOING TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!" the study hall supervisor warned.

"Sorry." Stan and Kenny said in their second chorus.

"What's your fucking problem Kenny?" Cartman questioned, the rest of the group eyeing him in similar curiosity.

'Okay, now that you have everybody's attention, tell him.' the boy coughed slightly, "I've just been really stressed out lately, and your stupid fucking voice is pissing me off." he lied through the fabric of his parka… Well, technically it was the truth, just not the one he needed to tell, 'Pussy.' he mentally scolded himself.

"What do you think Kenny? Has Bebe said anything to you about Wendy having a boyfriend?" Stan asked.

"Bebe? What the fuck are you talking about?" the other boy questioned in return.

"I mean, you guys are dating, right?" the boy pressed, "Look dude, it's cool. I mean, it's kind of weird that you're dating Wendy's best friend, but I'm not gonna make it awkward or anything." he assured.

'Dude, you have no idea how awkward it really is' Kenny thought to himself before considering his new debacle, does Kenny: A. Stop the lies dead in their tracks and come clean? B. Continue going behind his friend's back and lie until he gets caught? Or C. Say "I've gotta go take a shit.", stand up, then leave the room?

He went with C.

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**"So what are you gonna wear on your date tonight?" Bebe asked quietly so not to disturb the rest of the study hall.

"Exactly what I'm wearing right now because it's not a date, he just invited me over to listen to some music. I do that with you sometimes." Wendy pointed out to her friend.

"Yeah, but I haven't totally been into you since preschool. Oh yeah, and remember back in preschool when I told you 'I think he likes you'? I freaking called it!" the other girl gloated.

"Okay fine, you were right. You're always right. Happy?" Wendy relented.

"I'll be happy when you're happy. Now tell me, does he make you happy?" Bebe questioned.

The girl smiled as she thought back to two days prior, "Saturday was the most fun I've ever had on a date, I would've been fine with just seeing a movie and grabbing some food. But then he took me to Stark's Pond and we just talked. I never just talked with Stan." she explained, "He said he wants to take me on a hike sometime."

"A hike? Who the hell goes on a hike?" the other girl asked.

"I do! Like, all the time! I asked you to come with me two weeks ago!"

"Oh yeah, that admiring the beauty of nature crap." Bebe remembered, "Aw, your new boyfriend's as much of a tree-fucking hippie as you!"

"For the last time he's not my boyfriend. Also, don't call me a hippie, that's what Cartman calls me."

"You can't deny what's inside Wendy." Bebe remarked in a rather poetic manner, "Especially when what's inside is your new boyfriend's huge throbbing co-"

"Stop!" Wendy interrupted.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kenny stood at the boys room sink, his hands shaking as he pulled down his hood and reached into his pocket for a joint, 'I've got my gun, if anyone gives me shit for it I can just kill myself.' he reasoned as he pulled the joint out and stuck it in his mouth, closed his eyes, lit it, and took a good inhale.

"Pass it." he heard Craig's monotonous voice say from his left.

Kenny choked on the smoke in surprise of the other boy's presence, "Jesus Fuck, dude!" he shouted through his coughing fit, still obliging his friend's request anyway.

Craig took a drag, holding it for a second before exhaling, "You seem kind of stressed today." he pointed out, passing the joint back to the other boy.

"Yeah, you could say that." Kenny lamented.

"Is it because you're afraid to tell Stan you're dating Wendy?"

The boy started coughing once again, "How the hell did you know that?!"

"I saw you two at the coffee shop, remember?"

"How do you know we weren't there as friends?"

"Because you just told me you're afraid to tell Stan you're dating Wendy."

Kenny paused for a second to think, "Shit." he cursed before passing the joint back to Craig.

"See, this is why I win when every time we play Guess Who. You always give away more information than you need to." the boy stated before taking his second drag and passing it back.

"Please don't tell Stan." the other boy begged.

"I wouldn't tell Stan anything, I hate him." Craig bluntly stated. "So, you and Wendy, huh?"

"You sound surprised."

"No, just curious." his friend corrected, "I never really took her for your type."

"Oh really? Then what is my-"

"Girls with big fat titties and deep vaginas, the kind that put out on the first date and are up for anything from oral to anal." Craig described.

Kenny paused to admire just how spot-on that description really was, "Dude, you're a seriously good listener." he complimented.

"Not like you make it easy with that fucking hood up all the time." the boy took one last drag before passing it back to his friend a final time, "So, how'd a nice girl like that end up with a degenerate like you anyway?"

Kenny took a hit from his joint, finally getting some of it into his lungs before telling his story "Well, after I spent fifteen years in a private South Korean prison, I got out and started my quest for revenge against whoever locked me in there. Shortly afterward I met Wendy and we instantly fell in love after I passed out eating a live squid." Kenny explained.

"That's the plot of Oldboy." the other boy pointed out.

"Yeah, but it still makes more sense than the truth. Hell, even I still don't entirely get what happened." the boy admitted as he extinguished his weed.

"Whatever, you're just lucky I'm the one who figured it out and not someone who can't keep a secret, like Butters or something."

It was when they heard one of the toilets flush that the two realized they weren't alone, one of the stalls opened to reveal a nondescript Douchebag who simply made the mouth-zipping motion and gave a silent thumbs up, prompting Kenny to sigh in relief.

"Man, I thought for sure that was gonna be Butters." Craig monotonously stated.

"Let's all just thank our respective gods that it wasn't." Kenny said as he checked the time on his phone, "Hey, I've got a date at six, you guys wanna cut out early and hang until then?"

"Okay." Craig agreed.

Douchebag gave what Kenny interpreted as an affirmative shrug before the three exited the bathroom.

Once the door was closed, the sound of shit hitting water echoed through the seemingly empty room followed by a stressed utterance of the phrase "Aw hamburgers, I knew I should've just waited to go at home."

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"He's really not taking it well, is he?" Wendy asked as she and Kenny laid side by side on his bed listening to Pink Floyd, fully clothed and over the covers because they're just friends.

"He never does. This happens every time you guys break up." Kenny explained, "I'm pretty sure the only reason he hasn't started hanging out with the goth kids again is because I started hanging out with them."

"You hang out with the goth kids?"

"Sort of." he answered "Me, Craig, and Douchebag sit out behind the school and smoke with them sometimes. They're pretty cool once you get used to them, they once told us we'd make good goths once we cut ourselves from the umbilical cord of conformity, which I'm pretty sure just means to start dressing in black."

"I think you'd look good in black." Wendy complimented.

"Alright cool, I was wondering if I would." Kenny admitted.

The two paused before getting back to their original topic, "Do you think I've been too hard on Stan?" the girl asked.

Kenny chuckled, "You said hard on." he pointed out, his brain constantly working overtime to find the immaturity in every conversation he can, "But no, I don't think so. The dude's got his priorities, and it's always been pretty clear to me that a relationship's not number one on that list."

"You think so?" Wendy asked, disappointed but not surprised.

"Maybe." he answered, "Maybe I'm just jealous and worried you might come to your senses about me and run back to him." the boy admitted, "At least I got you in bed before that happened."

"You didn't get me in bed."

"Oh really Wendy? Then what do you call this thing we're laying on, a sink?" the smartass countered.

"See, this is the exact conversation I was trying to avoid when I suggested we sit on the floor." the girl stated.

"Bed? Floor? I could rock your world no matter where we sit." Kenny said before remembering who he was talking to, "I mean, like in a classy way, with a rubber and shit. You know, because you're a classy chick. Fuck, do I sound sleazy?"

"Kinda." she answered, "If I didn't have such a crush on you then I might be a little creeped out." she admitted, 'Was that too much? Not enough? What's that look he's giving me? Oh shit, did I screw this up?'

'I thought I was supposed to be the bold one, what the hell's going on here?!' the boy thought to himself, "Was that an admission of guilt I just heard?" he asked, "Could it be that I, _the dastardly Kenny McCormick_, have charmed you after all these years of silent admiration?"

Wendy giggled "Maybe. Or maybe I'm just worried I might lose your attention and you'll run off with some girl with bigger tits." she teased.

"Trust me, I've had plenty of girls with bigger tits, and not one of them has managed to hold my attention nearly as well as you." Kenny shot back.

The girl nodded, "You're a real womanizer, aren't you?" she asked.

"I am an absolute whore, yes." the boy answered without the slightest bit of shame or hesitation.

"So how do I know I'm not just another one of your cheap thrills?"

"You don't." he answered with a shrug, "While we're on the subject, how do I know I'm not just some rebound crush you're using to distract yourself from Stan?" the boy instantly countered.

Wendy sat up in surprise, "It's not like that!" she defended.

"Alright."

The girl was surprised by how easily he believed her, "Alright?"

"Yeah, alright. I trust you." Kenny stated with a grin, "Granted, my judgment always goes to shit when I'm dealing with beautiful girls." he added with a wink.

Said beautiful girl couldn't help but blush at the compliment "Are you trying to fuck with me or something?" she asked, immediately regretting her choice of words when she saw the suggestive grin that appeared on the boy's face, "Don't give me that look, we are not fucking!" she affirmed.

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"THEY'RE WHAT?!" Stan furiously questioned.

"L-look Stan, I'm just tellin' you what I heard." Butters said, shocking his friends with the news he'd just shared.

"Heard where?!"

"I-in the bathroom, I heard him and Craig talkin' about it."

"No way Kenny would do that, he's not that kind of guy." Kyle stated.

"I'm tellin' the truth, cross my heart." Butters stated.

Finally, Cartman could no longer contain himself and burst out laughing, "HOLY SHIT DUDE, YOU GOT CUCKED!" he shouted.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CARTMAN!" Stan demanded before returning his attention to Butters, "Dude, I swear to God, if you're fucking with me-"

"I'M NOT! Kenny's dating Wendy, I just thought you should know." the boy said.

"I can't believe he'd do this to me." Stan lamented in disbelief.

"Maybe there's another explanation for this." Kyle suggested, trying to comfort his friend.

"Kenny admitted to it and specifically told Craig not to tell you." Butters recounted.

"Are you guys seriously surprised?" Cartman asked "You know he sticks his dick in everything right?"

The mere suggestion of Kenny doing that with his girlfriend was enough to make Stan throw up right there on the sidewalk. "That fucking scumbag!" he cursed after blowing the contents of his stomach onto the concrete.

"Ew!" the rest of the group said in unison.

"I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna fucking kill him!" Stan promised.

"Dude, killing Kenny isn't going to do anything aside from land you in jail." Kyle reminded.

"I don't care!" the boy countered, "How could he do this to me?! What kind of dick even thinks about dating his friend's ex?!" he furiously questioned before marching down the street.

"Where are you going?" Kyle asked.

"Where do you think?! I'm gonna go kick his ass!" Stan answered.

"Dude, you can't kick Kenny's ass!"

"Watch me!"

"No, seriously Stan, Kyle's right for once." Cartman admitted, "Kenny could totally beat the shit out of you."

"Nobody asked you, fatass!" Stan countered.

"I'm not fat, I'm BIG BONED!" Cartman corrected, "JUST LIKE THE BIG BONE THAT'S PROBABLY JAMMED UP YOUR HIPPIE BITCH EX-GIRLFRIEND'S FUCK-HOLE RIGHT NOW!" he added, only infuriating the other boy further as he made his way to the poor neighborhood.

Kyle turned to look at the heavyset teenager with contempt, "As clever as that was, you're a fucking asshole."

"Yeah." Cartman proudly agreed, "Yeah I am."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kevin McCormick pulled up in front of his house, his inebriated father in the passenger seat,  
"Alright dad, we're home."

"I ever tell you 'bout how that Jerry Seinfeld bastard stole all my jokes for that show of his?" the drunken older man slurred.

Kevin sighed, "Yeah dad, twice on the way here." he answered.

"S'true." he stated, "Made a billions of dollars and I never saw a dime for it!"

"Come on, let's get inside." Kevin said as he got out of the truck and began helping his father to the front door. Out of the corner of his eye, the young man saw a figure emerge from the darkness in the form of a pissed off teenager approaching his house, "You think you can make it from here?" he asked.

"I can walk jus' fine." the older man answered as he stumbled into his home.

Kevin shut the door before addressing his visitor, "Hey squirt. What are you doin' here so late?" he asked.

"Where's Kenny?!" the boy asked in response.

"First off, watch the fuckin' attitude. Second, he ain't here right now."

"Then why's his truck here?!"

"It's dad's truck, 'least it will be once he gets his license back." the older boy responded, "What's your fuckin' problem anyway?"

"I just found out your brother's banging my girlfriend!" Stan answered.

'That's my little bro.' Kevin mused to himself, "Well like I said, he ain't here right now, and I don't appreciate you comin' on my property like you're some kinda tough guy. So hows about you fuck off. Ya know, unless ya really need to fight off some of that aggression." the older teen suggested, cracking his knuckles.

Now don't get him wrong, Stan was pissed beyond belief and ready for a fight, but even in his enraged state of mind he knew that Kevin could definitely kick his ass, and getting the shit kicked out of him for no reason just didn't seem like the best course of action, "Fuck this, I'll deal with him tomorrow." he said as he walked away.

"Smart move kid." Kevin laughed to himself before going inside to find his father passed out on the couch next to his little sister, "Hey Kevin." she greeted.

"Hey kiddo." he said in return, "Kenny home?"

The young girl nodded, "He's in his room with some girl."

"Oh is he now?" Kevin said with a grin, before making his way further into the house.

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"I mean, why not though?" Kenny asked, "You already came out and said you've got a thing for me." he pointed out.

"I just feel like it's kind of a big jump to take." Wendy expressed, "I mean, we only just started dating."

"Oh shit, we did? Kickass!" the boy exclaimed.

"Wait, no I-"

"Too late, you said it, now you're stuck with me!" Kenny reached under his bed and pulled out two bottles of soda, "Let's celebrate with a drink." he said before popping one of the caps off on his nightstand and taking a sip.

"First of all, I'm not drinking a bottle of Coke that says '2008 Olympics' on it." the girl declined.

Kenny spit the cola in his mouth back into the bottle, "Good call, this shit's flat." he said.

"Look, I just don't want to rush things, okay?"

The boy nodded, "Got it, that's totally cool, we can take this at whatever speed you want, no problem." he assured, "And just so we're clear, that means no naked bouncy time in the foreseeable future?"

"Please don't ever call it that again." Wendy begged, "And no, not for now. But..."

"Ooh, I do like butts!"

"Shut up." the girl instructed, she tried to think of the right words to say what she wanted to, "Screw it." were the only two that came to mind before she decided actions would speak far louder and collided her mouth with his, 'Why not? He already kissed me without warning.'

Kenny's mind went blank as instinct took over, 90% of said instinct he had to actively fight against for fear of overstepping their newly set boundaries. Still, if what he was feeling in this moment was any indication of things to come then it was worth the wait. Fuck huffing cat piss or any other dumb he tried to get high in the past, Wendy's lips gave him a high that no other drug could compare to, a paradise so sweet that he nearly cried when she finally pulled away. "Sfinte rahat, marita-ma." was all he could bring himself to say.

"What was that?" she asked.

The boy snapped back to reality, relieved that his little slip came out in a form she couldn't understand, "I'll tell you in English later." he promised.

The two stared at each other for a moment, the room was quiet and the pair had both come to the conclusion that they were having a moment.

A moment that would soon be shattered when the door to Kenny's room opened and his brother chucked a box of condoms at his head, knocking him right off the bed, "Don't forget to wrap it up Ken, we both know you can't afford a kid!" Kevin teased before turning to the shocked girl on the bed, "Damn, not bad! Welcome to the family gorgeous!" he shouted before shutting the door, leaving the pair alone once again.

"Kenny, are you alright?" Wendy asked in concern.

"Aside from a bruised ego, I'll be fine." he assured before spitting out some blood.

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"So I take it you're going out of your way to avoid Stan now?" Craig deduced before taking a hit from his friend's joint and passing it to Douchebag.

"What makes you say that?" Kenny asked.

"You got us to skip school and get stoned in the middle of the woods, something about that tells me you're trying to stay as far away from someone there as possible."

"Well maybe I'm just sick of all the plastic wannabe excuses for human beings that plague the halls of South Park High and I just wanted to get away for a while."

"You stole that line from Firkle." Douchebag pointed out as he handed Kenny the joint.

"_Holy fuck, IT SPEAKS!_" the boy sarcastically exclaimed before taking a drag.

"Since you're feeling chatty for once, can you please tell Kenny to put on anything besides Bloodhound Gang?" Craig requested.

"No." Douchebag bluntly answered before slightly turning up the volume on Kenny's boombox.

Kenny laughed as he handed Craig the joint, "Sorry dude, majority rules in favor of The Bad Touch."

"Speaking of the bad touch, how'd your date go last night?" Craig asked.

"Yeah, did you score or what?" Douchebag added.

"No Butthole, I didn't score." the boy admitted, "She said she wants to take it slow for now."

"Bummer." Douchebag responded as Craig handed him the joint.

"Honestly, I don't even mind. Like yeah, she's smoking hot and I seriously wanna fuck her brains out, but after so many girls where it's just fuck, bang, cum, screw, and that's it, it feels kinda cool to change it up like this… It feels more special, I guess." Kenny explained.

"That sounds pretty gay, not gonna lie." Craig stated.

"You're literally dating a guy." Kenny pointed out.

"Exactly. So when I say something's pretty gay, that means it's pretty fucking gay." the other boy explained, "Also, doesn't Wendy identify as a guy anyway?" he added.

"Dude, I seriously have no fucking idea, I completely stopped paying attention after season 18."

"Season 18 was when that plot-point happened." Craig reminded.

"Well season 18 fucking sucked! There was literally one joke about Stan's dad dressed in drag and it got completely hammered into the ground for ten fucking episodes, IT WAS BULLSHIT!" Kenny ranted.

"Dude, calm the fuck down and stop breaking the fourth wall."

"Fuck the fourth wall, just hand me the joint so we can end this fucking scene already."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The goth kids sat in their usual spot behind the school, smoking cigarettes, listening to The Cure, and denouncing conformity. Ya know, like they do.

Suddenly, the door inside which they'd propped open with a math textbook was slammed open, revealing a furious Stan Marsh, hunting down the one who'd invoked his wrath, "Where is he?!" he demanded.

The tall goth (Who your friend and humble narrator now knows as Michael, thanks to the ever so helpful South Park Wiki) took a drag from his cigarette before addressing their intruder, "What the fuck are you talking about, conformist pig?" he calmly asked.

"Kenny! I know he comes out here to smoke, so where is he?!" the boy specified.

"Do we look like his fucking keepers?" Henrietta asked, "Maybe he's out sick or something, did you ever think of that? Or are you so caught up in your own self-worship that it slipped your mind?" she added.

The door opened once again to reveal yet another teenager, one that didn't realize just what she was walking into, "Hey have you guys seen Ken-" Wendy began to ask before noticing the presence of her ex-boyfriend, "-drick Lamar's new album? Pretty great right?" she finished with an awkward laugh, hoping the poor save would work.

"I already know." Stan expressed.

Wendy could feel a bead of sweat drip down her face, "That Kendrick Lamar is one of the best rappers of our generation?" she asked, losing all hope in her ability to bullshit her way out of this.

"Cut the crap Wendy! Butters told me you're dating Kenny!" the boy exclaimed.

'How the hell did Butters find out?' the girl wondered to herself, "Well, so what if I am? You realize we're not together anymore, right? I can date whoever the fuck I want!"

"So you admit you two are dating?!" Stan questioned.

Wendy thought about it for a brief moment before coming out with her answer, "Yeah, we're dating! So what?!" she exclaimed.

The boy grew even more infuriated at the admission, "Like, really dating? have you kissed yet?!" he pressed.

"Oh my god, are you serious?! Yeah, I kissed Kenny!"

"THAT BASTARD!"

"Hey, you don't get to talk about him like that!" Wendy chastised, "Maybe this didn't click with you for the whole… What was it, eight years we dated? But I'm my own person and I can be with whoever the fuck I want!" she proclaimed.

"Look, you don't date your friend's ex, that's the rule and Kenny knows it!"

"Well it's a stupid rule! What, you think you've got some kind of right to me just because you saw me first? Well newsflash asshole, Kenny tried asking me out before I even met you!"

"He-… He what?" Stan asked, not sure if he heard that right.

"And he didn't even throw up on me." she added, "I just wish I could understand what he was saying. Maybe then I wouldn't have wasted so much of my time with you!"

Stan was beyond pissed, "Fine! If that's how you really feel then we're fucking over!" he proclaimed.

"We've been over for weeks you fucking idiot! How do you not get this yet?!"

"Screw you!" the boy exclaimed with a flip of his middle finger before re-entering the school, kicking the book out of the door so everyone else would be stuck outside.

Michael couldn't keep himself from groaning, "He is such a fucking asshole!" he stated.

"I was kind of bummed out when he stopped hanging out with us, but I'm starting to think we dodged a bullet." Pete said (The Red Goth, thanks again South Park Wiki)

Wendy sighed before beginning her walk to the school's front entrance, hopefully she'd come up with a good excuse for how she got locked outside once she got back in, "Hey, Queen Conformity." she heard the female goth call her, "That was pretty goth, how you told him off like that." she complimented.

Wendy wasn't entirely sure how to respond to such a pleasantry, "Thanks?" she said.

"If you're still wondering where Kenny is, Douchebag texted us saying they were getting stoned in the woods with Craig." Pete explained.

'That's why he hasn't texted me back, he probably can't get any service.' the girl deduced, "Thanks for letting me know." she expressed with a smile.

"Cigarette?" Firkle offered, "It looks like you could use one."

Wendy shook her head, "I don't smoke, but thanks anyway." she politely declined, "Kenny was right, you guys are pretty cool."

"We don't need approval from a conformist like you." Michael stated, "But thanks, I guess."

The girl nodded in understanding before walking away.

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"Now Wendy, I really appreciate you doing this for me m'kay. You know I would never ask you to do this if it weren't important." the counselor thanked.

"It's no problem Mr. Mackey." she expressed.

"So, how do I look?" he asked, gesturing to his outfit that looked like it was more or less ripped straight off of John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

Wendy gave a thumbs up, "Really good." she said, holding back a bit of laughter.

"M'kay, just making sure since I've been out of the dating game for a while now and I'd hate to look silly." he explained, "Now, you know what to do, right?"

"File the papers alphabetically and don't look at their contents." she stated.

"Perfect!" Mr. Mackey said, "Alright, I'll leave ya to it. Wish me luck!" he said before sliding out of the room on his roller skates like the hip young soul he is.

Once her superior had left the room, Wendy let out the laugh she'd been holding in and got to work. The girl spent about ten minutes filing, really getting into the rhythm of her work before she heard a tap at the office window, snapping her out of her bureaucratic mindset "He wouldn't." she said to herself only to be answered by a second tap at the window, "Seriously? Does all his romantic expertise come from movies?" she questioned as she made her way to the window.

Wendy opened the second story window and looked down to where she expected to see her boyfriend, only to find the spot was completely vacant, "What's up hot stuff?" she heard his voice say from above her.

The girl shrieked in surprise before looking up to find the boy staring down at her from the roof, "What the hell?!" she exclaimed.

"Let me guess, you were hoping to see me in a leather jacket holding a boombox over my head?" he questioned with a wide grin on his face.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

Kenny gestured for her to retreat into the room before dropping from the roof and grabbing onto the windowsill, pulling himself up to join her inside, "What? I wanted to see you." he said with a smile. "So, you're working for Mackey? What's up with that shit?"

Wendy rolled her eyes, "It's my volunteer work, you know, that thing we're all required to do before we can graduate?" she reminded.

"Oh yeah." the boy recalled as he took a seat on the counselor's desk, "That's fuckin' lame."

"Well whatever you think about it, we still have to do it, and just because everyone else is putting it off until senior year doesn't mean I can't get a head start." the girl stated.

"Hey, I'm not gonna get in your way. I just wanna look at my beautiful girlfriend for a while." he assured with a grin, "Now is that so wrong?"

"I guess not." she answered, hiding her blush from the boy.

"Sweet. So fill me in, does Mackey still keep weed in his office? Ya know, for educational purposes?" Kenny asked.

Wendy rolled her eyes once again, "No, he stopped doing that when he got fired, remember?" she reminded.

"Oh yeah, third grade was a hell of a year." the boy reminisced with a grin as he pulled out a joint and lit it.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" the girl questioned.

"Dude, chill. It's legal." Kenny assured with a grin.

"Not in a fucking elementary school!"

"Come on, what's the big deal?"

"Kenny, I swear, if you don't put that out right-"

"Look, I'll make you a deal," he interrupted, "I'll put it out if you take a hit."

"W-what?" Wendy asked.

"You take a hit, we both feel good for a few minutes, and Mackey will be overjoyed that you sprayed his office down with the sweet scent of air freshener. Everyone wins!"

"You're an idiot." she stated.

"I'm your idiot." the boy countered, "Come on, it's just one hit, then I'll be a good boy while I stare at you and think dirty thoughts." he promised with a grin.

The girl considered the offer, "Just one hit?"

Kenny nodded, "One hit and it goes out." he assured as he offered her the weed.

Wendy thought about it for a moment more before coming to her decision, "Fine, you win." she said as she took the joint in her hand and examined it.

Kenny watched as she raised the illicit item to her lips, he could've swore he heard some old heavy metal song ring out in his ears as the goddess before him took her first drag, "Holy fuck you're hot." he said as he lost himself in the sight of her.

Wendy coughed out the smoke in her lungs, partially due to her inexperience with having smoke in her lungs in the first place and mostly due to her boyfriend's remark, 'You're getting awfully comfortable with the B-word, aren't you?' she mentally asked herself before snapping back to reality, "Alright, a deal's a-"

The girl was interrupted when Kenny propelled himself into her face, kissing her much in the same way she'd done to him the night before, he decided his dealer had some explaining to do considering the girl was getting him higher than the weed ever did.

** A/N: Here's a bit of trivia, this whole fic was written around one line I came up with, that line being "Oh my god, you fucked Wendy! YOU BASTARD!" and I'm kind of sad that I wrote myself into a position where I didn't get to use it. That said, I think the lines "Yeah, I kissed Kenny!"/"THAT BASTARD!" are a good variation in their own right. What do you think?**

** Also, if anyone else can come up with a good idea for a fic using the "Oh my god, you fucked Wendy" line, then feel free to use it, especially if it's for a Kendy fic, we need more of those on this website.**

** Anyways, let me know how you liked this chapter with a review, good or bad, any input is always appreciated.**


	5. Chapter 5

Stan sat in his darkened room listening to depressing music, staining his pillow with tears. The information that his second best friend had stole his girlfriend was like a kick to the face… From a horse… With shit on its hoof… And the shit was filled with shards of broken glass… It fucking sucked, is what I'm trying to say.

The boy had made it extremely clear to his remaining friends, family, and everyone else around him that he did not want to be bothered, had he not expressly stated it then his overall demeanor should have spoken far louder than words. At least he thought it should've, but judging by the knock at his door it would appear that someone didn't quite get the message.

"Go away." he stated loud and clear.

"Stan, can I talk to you for a minute?" he heard his father request through the door.

"No." the boy answered.

"I've got something for ya." the older man offered.

Stan gave in couldn't help but give in to his curiosity, "What is it?"

Randy let himself in, flooding the room with the first light it had seen all day. After turning on the light he shut the door and sat down next to his son, handing him a beer "Don't tell your mom." he instructed.

The boy took the can and stared at it, it's not like he was a stranger to booze, he'd snuck plenty of his dad's beer and even kept a bottle of whiskey hidden in his dresser drawer. But the fact that he was just given parental permission was… Unexpected, to say the least. "Thanks." he stated before cracking open the can.

"So, I hear you've got woman troubles."

Stan nodded as he sipped his drink, "I just found out that Kenny's been dating Wendy behind my back." he relayed.

"Wait, McCormick's kid?" the man asked, Stan nodded and Randy silently celebrated to himself 'I knew he wasn't gay, the guys at the bar owe me fifty bucks!' he noted before getting back to the issue at hand, "Aw man, that really sucks."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

The two sat in silence for a moment before Randy opened his mouth again, "You know, back when I was around your age, I had a girlfriend that cheated on me." he explained.

"What did you do?" Stan asked.

"I cried… A lot." Randy admitted, "In the middle of the school parking lot where everyone could see me." he added. He pissed himself too but he wasn't about to admit that. "And I got pretty depressed for a while. Until your grandfather gave me some advice."

"What did he say?" the boy asked curiously.

Randy smacked the beer out of his son's hands and onto the floor before jumping to his feet, "QUIT BEING SUCH A LITTLE FAGGOT! BACK WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I WOULD'VE KICKED SOMEBODY'S ASS JUST FOR LOOKING AT MY GIRL! _OH WAH WAH WAH, I'M SO SAD, I'M JUST GONNA CRY AND PISS MY PANTS __AND ACT LIKE A FUCKING PUSSY_! YOU'RE A MAN AREN'T YOU?! SO GET OUT THERE AND GET YOUR FUCKING WOMAN BACK, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!" he quoted before spitting in his son's face.

"DAD, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Your grandfather was a very blunt man from a different time, Stanley." the man expressed, "Just be glad I left out the part where he beat me with a garden hose."

Stan considered the words that were just screamed at him, in that moment he came to two logical conclusions: The first one was that he couldn't just lay around feeling sorry for himself, he needed to go out and fight for what's his! As for the second conclusion, "Grandpa was kind of an asshole, wasn't he?" he vocalized.

"Well, he's in a better place now, calling Jesus a hippie freak and telling God to kiss his ass." Randy mused.

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Grandpa Marsh sat in Hell, screaming as he was jabbed with a pitchfork "YOU CALL THIS TORTURE?! I GOT TORTURED WORSE THAN THIS AT THE OLD FOLKS HOME! COME ON, PUT YOUR SHOULDERS INTO IT! I KNOW I DIDN'T KILL AS MANY PEOPLE AS I DID IN THE WAR JUST FOR SOME LITTLE PUSSY EXCUSE FOR A DEMON TO TICKLE ME WITH A BIG FORK!"

"I'm trying my best!" the demon defended.

"_AW, WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU GONNA CRY_?! YOU'RE ALMOST AS BAD AS MY WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A SON! YOU MAKE ME SICK!" the old man berated before spitting in the demon's face.

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Kenny wasn't entirely sure if Stan knowing about him and Wendy made his life easier or harder. On one hand, now he didn't have to go through the awkward task of telling Stan the truth himself. On the other, not telling Stan himself made Kenny look like even more of a scumbag.

He knew he wasn't getting out of this one with all his bridges in tact, the worst case scenario would be Stan and Kyle never talking to him again, 'I wonder who'd get custody of Cartman if that happened.' he mused to himself, 'Well, since this is the worst case scenario, I guess it would be me.'

The teenager walked across the lunchroom, his tray of barely edible school-provided welfare lunch in his hands as he made his way to the table where he, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Butters usually sat, only to find that the only one missing was the one he needed to see, "Oh shit, look out you guys, Hippie-Fucker 2.0 is here!" Cartman joked.

"Dude, putting '2.0' at the end of an old joke doesn't make it new material." Kenny informed as he placed his tray on the table and sat down.

"What the fuck do you want, Kenny?" Kyle coldly greeted.

"Fifty trash bags full of weed, a beautiful girl, and a billion dollars, preferably all laid out for me on a beach in Hawaii." the boy answered, "I take it you've already heard I'm a quarter of the way to that dream?" he questioned.

"I can't believe you'd do this to Stan." Kyle reprimanded.

"Y-yeah Kenny, this is pretty messed up of you to do." Butters added, "I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't hear ya say it with my own two ears."

Kenny looked at the other boy, "Oh yeah, you're the little rat that squeaked, aren't you?"

Butters tensed up at the accusation, "I-I-I had to tell him Ken, I just-"

"Shut up." Kenny instructed before patting the boy's head, "It's my own fault for not coming clean sooner. You did the right thing."

"You know Stan's a wreck because of you, right?" Kyle proceeded, "He didn't even come to school today."

"I'll be sure to apologize the next time I see him." the boy assured.

"That's not good enough!"

"Well then what is?!" Kenny erupted, "What, am I supposed to dump Wendy and crawl back on my knees begging for forgiveness?"

"Kind of!" he answered.

"Well then he's just gonna have to get over it because that's not gonna fucking happen!"

"Oh shit, you're putting hoes before bros!" Cartman intruded.

"Call my girlfriend a hoe again and I'll make that shit you did to Scott Tenorman look like a fucking joke." Kenny promised.

"Jesus, calm the fuck down dude. What, did Wendy make you forget how to take a joke already?" the heavyset teenager asked, "I mean, it looks like she's already changing the way you dress."

"What the hell are you talking about?" the boy questioned, examining his outfit, "When was the last time I ever wore anything besides jeans and my parka?"

"When was the last time you spent this long with your hood down?" Cartman shot back.

Kenny felt his head to realize the prick was right, 'Holy shit, I'm exposed!' he thought to himself. He thought back to the last time he had it up and realized his face had been on full display for the world to see since yesterday in the bathroom with Douchebag and Craig. "Well, so what? I look damn good, why shouldn't I show off?" he asked.

"Let me guess, your _girlfriend_ wanted to see your face better?" Kyle condescended.

"You know giving me shit about having a girlfriend isn't gonna change my mind, right?"

"You really don't give a shit about your friends at all, do you?" the other boy accused.

Kenny took a moment to process that little remark, surely he must have heard wrong, "I'm sorry, what did you just say?" the boy questioned as his eye started to twitch, "I mean, it sounded a lot like you said I don't give a shit about my friends, but that can't be right after ALL THE SHIT I'VE DONE FOR YOU ASSHOLES!"

"K-Kenny-"

"NOT NOW BUTTERS!" he silenced, "Remind me Kyle, who's the guy that always fixes your car for free?! How many times have I gone down into the sewer whenever one of you idiots drop your phone in a grate?! How many dumbass schemes have I gone along with just so I could get in trouble, or hurt, or worse, only for you guys to brush me off like some kind of afterthought?! '_Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You bastards!_' yeah, that's a real funny catchphrase, I love hearing it EVERY. FUCKING. TIME I fade out of consciousness after something fucking horrible happens to me!"

"What the fuck's he talking about?" Cartman whispered to Kyle, only for him to shrug in confusion.

"And now, the one fucking time I do something for myself, you've got the absolute BALLS to say I don't care about you guys?! You know what, you're absolutely fucking right, I don't care! Screw you guys, I'm going home!" Kenny finished before getting up and dumping his lunch on Kyle's head.

"ASSHOLE!" the boy shouted in retaliation, "Can you fucking believe him?!" Kyle asked.

"What the f-fuck is wrong with you?!" Butters questioned.

"What?! Butters, are you serious?"

"Look, just because Kenny's doin' kind of a scummy thing doesn't mean he don't care about us! You know d-darn well he'd do anything for us!"

"Have you seen what he's doing to Stan?!"

"Well, m-maybe Stan needs to get the heck over it and move on!" Butters suggested, "Y-ya know, I used to get real mad when people would talk about you guys, sayin' you're a bunch of a-buttholes, b-but I'm startin' to think they were onto somethin'. Y-you can be just as mean as Eric sometimes, ya know that Kyle?" the boy stated as he got up and walked away.

As Kyle was stunned into silence by Butters' sudden boldness, Cartman decided to pose a question, "Why the fuck am I still getting shit on even though I didn't do anything wrong this time?!"

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"I can't fucking believe him!" Kenny vented as he paced the concrete, dragging a cigarette, "Actually, scratch that, I totally fucking believe it! Of course he's gonna take Stan's side, he always takes Stan's side! He's such a predictable little conformist!" he exclaimed, his eyes widening in realization as he turned to address the goth kids "Okay… I think I get where you guys are coming from now."

"Welcome to the dark side." Firkle Stated.

Kenny sucked off the last drag of his cigarette and put it out on his shoe, tossing it into an adjacent dumpster before kicking the trash receptacle in frustration… Multiple times. "So, does this count as being cut from the umbilical cord of conformity?" he asked.

The goth kids all looked at each other, nodding in silent agreement, "You're not a goth… But, you're safe here." Michael assured.

Kenny grinned at the bit of acceptance he'd earned from the group he once considered annoying and pretentious, "You guys are alright." he complimented.

"THERE YOU ARE!" the boy heard his friend(?) shout from behind him.

"Hey Stan." he greeted before turning around, "I guess we've got some shit to talk about?"

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!" Stan threatened.

'Yeah, probably.' Kenny thought.

"How the hell could you do this to me?!"

"Look dude, I'm sorry I went behind your back and I'm sorry you had to hear the news from Butters, but I'm not gonna apologize for dating Wendy."

"YOU KNOW I LOVE HER!" the other boy shouted.

"Yeah? Well so do I!" Kenny proclaimed, "If you've got a problem with that then tough shit!"

"You don't deserve her!"

"Oh, and you do?! Fuck off! Maybe you should've spent more time with her if you cared so damn much!"

"I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!"

Kenny scoffed "Seriously? You're gonna kick my ass?" he questioned, "What, are we back in the third grade when we'd take turns kicking each other in the nuts until we fall down to settle shit?"

Stan charged the other boy and punched him square in the face as hard as he could, knocking him back slightly.

He wiped the blood from his nose and shook his head, "Alright cocksucker. That, was your one free shot!" he proclaimed before tackling his (Now officially) ex-friend into the ground and punching the fuck out of him.

Stan took a few hits before managing to dodge one, sending Kenny's fist straight into the concrete. He used the moment where the other boy was grabbing his sore hand to push him off and knock him back with another punch to the nose, "You're fucking dead, McCormick!" he threatened.

Kenny laughed, "Seriously? My little sister punches harder than that!" he proclaimed before kicking the other teenager in the stomach, the sudden impact causing him to drop to his knees and throw up, "Holy shit dude, you smell like a fucking brewery! Have you seriously been drinking?!"

After somewhat coming to his senses, Stan took notice of a brick laying near him and threw it at his opponent before either of them even knew what he was doing.

Kenny was knocked flat on his back on impact, "OW! FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!" he shouted as he grabbed his injured face. Stan got to his feet and stumbled toward his fallen adversary, he could vaguely hear the goth kids shouting at him to stop but he didn't let that distract him. No, the only thing that could break his focus in this moment was the jolt of pain between his legs as Kenny kicked him square in the nuts as hard as he could.

As Stan fell backwards groaning in pain, Kenny leaned up on his elbow and spit out some blood, "Roshambo bitch. I win." he said with a flip of his middle finger before collapsing on his side

The two remained laid out on the ground, both of them writhing in pain as the goth kids surrounded Kenny in concern, "Give him some fucking room, GOD!" Henrietta exclaimed.

"Is he dead?" Firkle questioned.

"Not yet." the boy answered.

"OH MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!" the injured boys heard shouted in the one voice the two of them wanted to hear more than anything else in that moment.

Stan painfully smiled as he waited for his girlfriend to rush to his side… But she never came. The boy leaned his head up enough to see the most heartbreaking image he could imagine, Wendy sat across from him with Kenny's head in her lap. He couldn't quite hear what she was saying, but he imagined it was all the things he wanted her to say to himself.

"HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!" he heard Kyle's voice question before rushing to his side, "Stan, are you alright?!" he asked.

"GODDAMMIT! WE MISSED ALL THE ACTION!" Cartman's nasally voice complained.

"SHUT UP CARTMAN!" Kyle demanded before turning his attention back to Stan, "Are you alright?" he repeated.

"I'm fine." he coughed out.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KENNY?!" the boy furiously questioned.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE, ASSHOLE! CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S HURT?!" Wendy shouted in return.

"HE'S HURT?! JUST LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO STAN!"

"OH, IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT STAN WITH YOU, ISN'T IT?!"

"JUST KEEP YOUR CRAZY BOYFRIEND ON A LEASH!" Kyle commanded.

"OH YEAH?! WELL IF I SEE YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYWHERE NEAR MINE AGAIN THEN I'M GONNA MAKE THIS LOOK LIKE A FUCKING JOKE!" the girl assured as she helped the boy to his feet, "Do you think you can walk, Kenny?" she asked.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." he assured before stumbling slightly, "Just help me back to my truck." he requested. She nodded and did just that, "Ya know, you're a lot prettier than the other angels up here. You single?"

Wendy couldn't help but blush at her boyfriend's delirious flirtations, "No, I'm not." she answered.

"Daaamn." Kenny weakly lamented.

Kyle shook his head as he watched the two walk away, 'Unbelievable.' he thought to himself.

"I didn't win her back, did I?" Stan asked.

His best friend shook his head, "You're better off without her Stan." the boy assured.

Meanwhile, instead of paying any mind to his injured friends, Cartman was more preoccupied with more important matters regarding the goth kids, "Seriously?! None of you got it on video?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!" he angrily questioned.

"Why? So we could post it online for some easily amused conformists to get five minutes of entertainment from the pain of others, while simultaneously bitching about how fucked up and barbaric the human race is on Facebook for the sole purpose of getting three likes to try and fill the empty void in their lives?" Michael asked, "No thanks."

"YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK!" Cartman exclaimed before stomping off, "Fucking fun-hating goth douches!" he complained to himself.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Wendy helped her boyfriend into the passenger side of his truck where he pulled out the keys from his coat pocket, "Oh no way, you are not driving right now!" she asserted.

"I'm not, it's for the glove compartment." the boy clarified as he jammed the key in the lock and opened it, pulling out a cigarette pack before climbing back against the driver side door, his legs rested across the seat, "Come on in, it's freezing out."

The girl took the invitation and climbed in after him, shutting the door. She winced as she watched her battered boyfriend light up what she identified as a joint, "I can't believe he did this to you."

"Yeah… Me neither." Kenny stated.

"I really did break you guys up, didn't I?" Wendy lamented.

"Don't you dare blame yourself." the boy reprimanded, "Chef once told me, back when he was still alive, 'Don't ever date the girl your friend likes, don't date your friend's ex, and especially don't date your friend's girlfriend, it's a bad idea… But if you do decide to go through with it then she damn sure better be worth it.' then I think he sang a song about being a backstabbing pig or something, but I forget how it went." he explained, "I knew what I was risking when I started dating you, and I wouldn't change a damn thing if I could. As far as I'm concerned, you're worth it."

"Even after Stan beat the shit out of you?"

Kenny scoffed, "He didn't beat the shit out of me, he started a fight and got the shit kicked out of him. I'd be fine if he didn't throw a fucking brick at me." he explained.

"HE THREW A BRICK AT YOU?!"

"Not so fucking loud!" he requested as he grabbed his head in pain and took a hit from his joint.

"You might have a concussion, we have to get you to the hospital!" Wendy expressed.

"Nah, I'll just sleep it off."

"Kenny, you can't fall asleep with a concussion, you could-"

"Die?" the boy finished, "Look, hospitals are just a huge waste of time for someone who can just blow his brains out and respawn the next morning without a scratch."

Wendy nodded in understanding, "Right, I guess I kind of forgot I'm dating an immortal." she admitted.

"You're also the only one to remember in the first place."

"We never did figure out why, did we?"

Kenny shrugged, "Who cares? What matters to me is that it got us together, so I'm happy with whatever the hell it is." he stated.

"Well I still want to know why I'm the only one." Wendy stated, "It just doesn't make any sense!"

"Don't worry, we'll figure it out eventually." the boy assured, "For now, you wanna cuddle with the bastard child of Cthulhu?"

Wendy couldn't help but giggle at the offer, "I'd like that." she answered with a smile before climbing over to her boyfriend. The girl noticed him wince as she laid back in his lap, "Sorry."

"Don't be." he stated as he held up his joint, "You want a hit?"

She thought about it for a moment, "I shouldn't."

"Come on, you're gonna smell like weed anyway, might as well get the full experience." the boy reasoned.

Wendy considered the offer once more, "Alright, give it here." she relented. Kenny however, did not give her the joint. Instead, he took a long drag from it and put it out in his ash tray, "Hey, what are-"

Before she could finish speaking, Kenny pulled her face to his and kissed her, blowing the smoke into her mouth, a romantic gesture that would be cut short when Wendy started coughing on him and the boy laughed the remaining smoke out of his own mouth, "Sorry, I've always wanted to try that." he admitted.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Come on, let's get you home." Kyle said as he helped Stan to the parking lot. Suddenly, Kyle noticed his friend stop dead in his tracks, his attention caught by the sight of Kenny's smoke-filled truck as it rocked slightly, not enough to signify anything beyond a PG-13 rating, but enough to fill Stan's imagination images that wouldn't look out of place in a sleazy porno from the 70s (The sleaziest decade of them all).

Kyle pulled his friend toward his own car and helped him into the passenger seat before making his way to the driver side. He turned on the car and pulled out into the street, sitting in silence for a few minutes before Stan finally said something, "Do you think I was a bad boyfriend?" he asked.

"What? No way dude, she was lucky to have you." his best friend assured, "I mean… Maybe you could've spent more time with her instead of screwing around with us." he suggested.

The boy gave a weak laugh, "Kenny said almost the exact same thing." he admitted with a sigh, "Maybe he's right, maybe I really don't deserve her."

"Come on dude, don't think like that. Kenny's just being a major asshole right now."

"Yeah… I guess."

The two sat in silence before arriving at Stan's house, Randy looked out from the opened garage as his son got out of the car, "There he is! Looks like somebody kicked some ass!" he cheered as Kyle helped his friend to the house, "Let me guess, the other guy's in the hospital, right? I bet that girl couldn't keep her hands off of you!" the man continued as his son started to cry, "Oh shit."

"Stanley!" the boy's mother shouted as she ran outside, "What happened?! Did you get mugged?!"

"It's fine mom." he answered, "I just got into a fight with Kenny."

"A fight? Why would-" the woman began before angrily turning to face her husband, "Dammit Randy! How many times do I have to tell you to stop giving our son advice?!"

"Hey, it wasn't even my advice this time! I just passed on some words of wisdom my father told me when I was his age." he defended

The woman pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head in frustration, "How do you not realize that that is so much worse?! Your father was a lunatic!"

"MY FATHER WAS A WAR HERO!"

"HE WAS A WAR CRIMINAL!"

"Thanks for the ride, Kyle." Stan said as he made his way inside, trying his best to ignore his parents arguing.

"Let me know if you need someone to talk to dude. I hope you feel better soon." the other boy offered.

"Thanks man."

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Kenny woke up the next morning with a headache, his latest death nothing more than a groggy blur in his memory, "Did I shoot myself?" he wondered out loud.

"No, you fell out of your truck and got run over by a bus." Wendy corrected.

"Oh yeah." he recalled, "Which one?"

"147." the girl answered, "Don't worry, I already reported him for reckless driving" she assured.

"Good, that guy's a fucking menace. You know this is the fourth time he's run me over this year?" Kenny took a moment to completely wake up and realize who he was talking to, "Wait, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"Oh, I just thought I'd surprise you and we could walk to school together." Wendy answered with a grin, "You know, since you don't exactly have your truck."

The boy smiled at the offer, "I'd like that." he answered, "Let me just grab some breakfast and-" Wendy interrupted the boy by pulling out a brown paper bag that smelled an awful lot like pancakes, a far superior alternative to the half of an onion that he wasn't entirely sure was still in the fridge, "You're fucking with me, right?" he asked in a surprised awe with what felt like a tear in his eye.

"Nope!" she answered, "Just don't get too used to it, I'm your girlfriend not your personal cook. Now come on, we're gonna be late."

While this certainly wasn't the first time Kenny had a girlfriend do something nice for him, he was more used to said "nice things" being of the sexual variety. In this moment however, Kenny had come to the logical conclusion that a girlfriend who comes to your house with a bag of warm pancakes is far far superior to a girlfriend that blows you in the parking lot of a Jonas Brothers concert.

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** "**I can't believe you seriously went goth." Craig stated before dragging his cigarette.

"He didn't." Michael corrected.

"Hey, I'm wearing black and the conformists hate me, how much more goth can I get?" Kenny asked.

"You can't just put on a pair of black jeans and automatically become goth." Henrietta stated.

"I'm wearing a black T-shirt too!" he defended.

"Yeah, and it's under a bright orange winter coat." Firkle pointed out.

"Well no shit! It's the middle of November and we live in Colorado! Sorry, but freezing to death isn't exactly my #1 priority!"

"Just get a black coat." Pete suggested.

"_Oh yeah, let me just get my billions of dollars together so I can go clothes shopping._" Kenny said sarcastically before turning to his quietest friend, "What do you think Douchebag? Am I goth?"

The normally silent boy dragged his cigarette as he pondered the question, "I think you're more of a hipster." he finally stated.

"Yeah, that sounds about right." Craig agreed.

"Definitely." the goth kids all said in unison.

"Of course I fucking am." Kenny said with a roll of his eyes before he heard the door to the school open, '_Oh boy, maybe that's someone else who wants to murder me._' he mused before seeing Wendy and Bebe emerge from the school.

"Hey guys." Wendy greeted.

"Ladies! To what do I owe the honor?" Kenny asked as the two girls approached him.

"Well, Bebe and I wanted to go to the mall and I thought 'Hey, you know who else might want to go there? My amazing boyfriend Kenny!'"

"Alright, I think I can figure it out from here. You guys want a ride to the mall and I'm the only one you know with a car, right?" he asked with a grin.

"_Damn Wendy, you're new boyfriend might just be as smart as you._" Bebe sarcastically remarked.

"You guys plan on throwing in for gas?" he asked.

"No problem." the two stated.

"Well then, looks like you've got a ride." Kenny said, like he wouldn't have done it for free anyway. The teenager put out his cigarette and tossed it into the dumpster, "Later guys." he said to his friends before escorting the girls to his truck. "Now where the fuck did I put my keys?"

The boy rummaged around through his coat, not really paying attention to where he was walking when he suddenly heard Wendy yell "LOOK OUT!" and pull him back as he watched a speeding bus fly by, just missing him.

"Holy shit! Watch where you're going, that bastard could've killed you!" Bebe chastised.

"Yeah, I guess he could've." he agreed, "Thanks Wendy."

"Don't mention it, I plan on keeping you alive as long as I can." the girl said with a grin before kissing her boyfriend.

**A/N: Well, this is pretty much the end of the first arc, so I guess that's it, story's over, mission accomplished!**

** Nah, I'm just fuckin' around, I love this ship and I still have more ideas for this continuity, including one MAJOR idea that I didn't even touch on yet, as well as some little mini-ideas that sounded pretty fun. That said, how would everyone feel about this becoming a more episodic series? Like, as well as big epic story-arcs like this, there's also smaller less epic one-shots thrown in as well.**

** Let me know what you think with a review. Seriously, I love getting reviews, even bad ones, so let me know if you think this sucks or rules!**


	6. Chapter 6

"Look, if you want to make out then we could just do that." Wendy expressed as she spun the bottle, watching as it stopped to point at her boyfriend before she leaned in to kiss him.

"Come on, what's wrong with a little danger?" Kenny asked before spinning the bottle himself.

"I'm pretty sure Spin the Bottle loses any bit of 'danger' it might have when there's only two people playing." the girl pointed out as the bottle landed on Kenny.

"Yeah, I guess we do both kind of win either way." he admitted before picking up a mirror and kissing it, "Damn I look good."

Wendy sighed as she laid back on Kenny's floor, "I think it's safe to say we're officially bored." she lamented. Turning her head slightly, the girl got a good look under her boyfriend's bed, "Why do you have a stack of romance novels under your bed?" she questioned.

"Where else am I gonna keep them, the closet?" the boy countered, "I can barely fit all my porn in there as it is."

Wendy pulled out the books and began reading off the titles, "Betrayal, Dating My Best Friend's Girl, The Temptress in Purple… I'm sensing a pattern here." she pointed out before looking at the next book "1001 Dirty Haikus by Kenny McCormick? You published a book?!"

"Two books of dirty poetry and that trashy novel I wrote with the guys that one time. So three, actually."

The girl opened the book to the first page and began to read.

"When you rub your dick

It can cause a discharge that

Ends up on the floor"

She recited, "And you wrote a thousand of these?"

"A thousand and one. The first on page 69's my personal favorite."

Wendy skipped ahead and started reciting once again.

"My dick is a broom

And you're a cute little witch…

Let me cum on you."

She blankly finished, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"At the moment or in general?" Kenny asked before the two were interrupted by a loud **CRASH** from outside.

"What was that?!" Wendy questioned.

"Probably some homeless dude going through trash cans." he stated. They sat in silence before they heard a soft pouting.

"Do they usually start crying?" the girl asked.

"At our can? Sometimes." he answered as he got up from the floor, "Not like that though. I'm gonna go see what's up."

"No you're not!" Wendy asserted, "What if it's someone dangerous?"

"Then I've got a gun and unlimited extra lives. I think I'm good." the boy reminded.

"Well you're not going alone." she stated as she stood to her feet as well.

"Hell fucking no! You are not gonna help me confront a potential serial murder crack rapist!"

"Then neither are you!" the girl reaffirmed, "Look, I have a full can of mace, a brand new taser, and four years of mixed martial arts training, I'm not helpless."

"I know… I just don't want anything to happen to you." Kenny expressed, "Okay, we'll go together, but you stay behind me, and if shit goes down you run like hell. Okay?"

Wendy rolled her eyes, "If it will make you feel better, fine." she agreed.

The pair made their way outside to where they heard the noise, Wendy getting awfully liberal with what constituted being behind her boyfriend, if anything they were standing side-by-side with Kenny slightly ahead. Once they arrived at the fallen trash can, Kenny kept his hand in his pocket, holding his revolver with a cautious grip, "Is that you Tiny Tyler?" he questioned whatever was rattling around in the steel can.

Suddenly, the trespasser began to back out of the trash and into the dim light, revealing itself to not be Tiny Tyler the local three-foot bum, but instead a tiny golden retriever with half a Hot Pocket in its mouth, "Aww, it's just a puppy!" Wendy gushed.

"And he's got a Hot Pocket! Who the fuck threw out a perfectly good Hot Pocket!?" Kenny asked, pretty fuckin' sure it was Kevin the last time he stayed over 'He gets a big fancy job slinging meth and all of a sudden he thinks food just grows on trees!'

Meanwhile, Wendy was down on her knees, patting the ground in front of her to get the dog's attention, "Come here little guy, I won't hurt you." she promised. The puppy scarfed down the Hot Pocket and hesitantly walked over to her, sniffing her hand before allowing her to pet him, "Aw, aren't you just the cutest thing."

"Hey, I thought I was the cutest thing." her boyfriend protested.

"You still are." she assured, "But he's tied for first."

The boy considered it, "Alright, I'll take tied for first." he accepted before joining his girlfriend on the ground, "Hey little dude." he greeted the dog, "What are you doing in my trash?"

"He doesn't have a collar." Wendy pointed out, "He's probably a stray looking for food."

"You hungry buddy?" Kenny asked. The dog responded with what he interpreted as an affirmative yip and the boy climbed back to his feet, "My parents would be pissed if I brought a dog home… But it is Saturday night, so the earliest they'll be back is 2AM… Karen's sleeping over at Tricia's tonight so we won't have to worry about her…" the boy looked at the shivering dog once more, his heart melting at the sight of it, "Screw it, he's coming inside." he relented.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Wendy sat with the puppy on Kenny's bedroom floor, watching in amusement as it chewed on one of her boyfriend's sneakers. The boy himself was slightly less amused at the sight when he walked in, "Aw man, come on dude, I've only got one pair of shoes!" he lamented as he put down the bowl of food he was holding.

The girl watched as the dog rushed over and started eating, "So… Do you have a dog already?" she questioned.

Kenny shook his head and sat down next to his girlfriend, "Nah, my parents always said a dog was too expensive." he explained.

"Then… Why do you already have dog food on hand?" she questioned further.

"Remember that beef stew we had last week?"

Wendy's eyes widened in shock, "That was dog food?!"

The boy nodded, "Yep, you dodged one hell of a bullet when you told my mom you're a vegetarian. Those two slices of white bread aren't looking so bad now, are they?"

The girl wrapped herself around her boyfriend in sympathy, "I am so sorry you have to live like this." she expressed.

"Hey, I live just fine most of the time. I'm more worried about what we're gonna do with this dog." Kenny expressed as the animal licked his bowl clean and jumped in the boy's lap, "Could he stay at your place?" he asked.

Wendy shook her head, "My parents are really strict about animals, they'd freak out. Then I'd have to tell them that I found him digging through your trash, then they'd ask what I was doing at your house and I'd have to explain that we're dating which would be a whole other lecture-"

"Wait, hold up. Your parents don't know we're dating?" Kenny asked.

The girl tensed up as she realized what she'd just admitted "No… Not yet."

"Dude, we've been together a month, when were you planning to tell them?" her boyfriend questioned.

Wendy laughed awkwardly and rubbed her neck, "Oh… You know… Soon." she assured before mumbling something else.

"I'm sorry, what?"

The girl sighed before speaking up, "I said, probably after I tell them I broke up with Stan."

Kenny looked at her with a blank stare, "Let's worry about that little development later." he stated before turning his attention back to the dog, "Alright Whiskey, what are we gonna do with you?"

"Whiskey?"

"Yeah, I thought it fit with how much he looks like my dad." the boy explained.

Wendy examined the dog's face, trying to imagine him with a trucker cap and a cigarette in his mouth, "Oh my god, he does!"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kenny sat in his algebra class waiting for the teacher to show up, most of the other students talking among each other to pass the time, a luxury that he no longer had due to the fact that the only ones he used to talk to were Stan and Cartman, and while Stan hadn't shot him a dirty look in the past week, they were still far from being on speaking terms and would likely remain that way indefinitely.

The boy felt a shifting in his coat pocket and reached in to pet his concealed passenger. 'Come on Whiskey, just chill out for a while.' he mentally begged. Yes, Kenny had brought his new pet to school with him, he couldn't leave him at home after all, and he had nowhere else to keep him, so his coat pocket would have to work for now.

Finally, the algebra teacher Mr. Jones, had entered the room, "Alright, everybody shut up. I have your tests back and I've gotta say, you're all even more stupid than I gave you credit for." he announced as he began handing back papers.

"What?! ZERO?! Hey, I got this one right!" Cartman shouted.

"No, you used the completely wrong formula, crossed it out, said 'fuck this shit, math is for Jews' and then copied off of Stan's paper."

"Weak." the boy stated in protest.

"Don't worry Eric, I'm sure there's at least one fast food place that will trust you around a cash register." Mr. Jones teased before handing back the next paper, "Now Kenny I've gotta say, I'm pretty disappointed in your score."

Kenny looked at his paper, only to laugh when he saw his grade, "I'm not. Sixty-nine, bitches!"

The teacher sighed, "I was really hoping your new girlfriend would start to rub off on you."

"Hey, you and me both teach, but she said she wants to take it slow." the boy joked, making half the class burst out in laughter.

"DUDE! Nobody wants to hear that!" Stan protested. Suddenly, Whiskey let out a soft whining noise from Kenny's pocket, "Oh, so just because I don't want to hear your dumb sex jokes I'm being whiny?"

"What? No dude." Kenny defended as he silenced his dog.

"Come on Stan, give him a break." Cartman said, "I mean, clearly he just wants to talk about how your hippie ex-girlfriend is in bed. So how's she like it Ken? Slow and gentle or fast and hard."

**"RUFF"** Whiskey barked.

"OH SHIT! Kenny, you dog!" Cartman cheered as most of the class joined in.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Stan erupted.

"All three of you shut the fuck up!" Mr. Jones intervened, "Stan, stop whining about your failed relationship. Kenny, stop showing off. And Eric… Just stop talking in general! I swear, it's I'm like dealing with a group of pre-schoolers… What's that smell?"

Kenny cleared his throat, "It uh… Appears I have shit myself sir… May I please be excused." he requested.

The teacher sat down and planted his face right into his desk, "Each and every one of you disgusting mongrels are going to be mentioned by name in my suicide note." he informed, "Kenny, get the fuck out of my classroom."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Dogs are such a conformist pet." Pete stated as he watched Whiskey chase a squirrel around the school's back lot.

Kenny shivered as the cold December air touched his exposed skin, his coat in his hands as he cleaned the dog shit out of his pocket with some supplies he borrowed from the janitor's closet, "Yeah? What kind of non-conformist pet should I have then? A bat? A snake? A dude in a gimp suit?"

"Snakes are pretty goth." Michael stated.

The boy finished cleaning his parka and immediately pulled his hood up and pulled the strings to combat the cold. Suddenly, the door to the school opened as a pissed off and confused Wendy Testaburger walked out, "You wanna fill me in on why Eric just told me you said I'm into rough sex and eating shit?!" she questioned.

Kenny recapped the events of his algebra class to his girlfriend, only for it to be muffled by his hood.

"You know I can't understand you through that thing. Did you just say you're going to lick his ass later?!"

The boy rolled his eyes and pulled his hood down, "Kick. I'm gonna kick his ass later." he restated before Whiskey approached the two with a dead squirrel in his mouth.

"Whiskey no! Bad dog, spit that out!" Wendy scolded.

"No no, good dog, good!" Kenny praised as he pet the dog.

"What the hell Kenny?! He just murdered a squirrel!"

"Exactly! It's all a part of this amazing idea I had!" the boy stated, "See, my dad says we can't have a dog because we can't afford to feed it, right? So what if I trained Whiskey to not only feed himself but also help feed the whole family?!"

"Gross." the goth kids all said in unison.

Wendy rubbed her temples to fight off the impending headache that her boyfriend's idea was giving her, "So you're going to convince your parents to let you keep Whiskey because he can provide you with drool-soaked squirrel meat?" she questioned.

Kenny thought about it for a moment "Yeah, pretty much." he affirmed, "You got a better idea?"

The girl gave a frustrated sigh, "Look, I've been thinking about it all day and… I just don't think us having a dog is a good idea." she admitted.

"What? Why not?"

"Well, neither of our families are alright with pets, we can't even afford dog food so vet bills are completely out of the question. I think the best thing we can do is put up some Found Dog signs around town." she explained.

"What? You seriously wanna give away this adorable little bastard?" Kenny asked as he held up the puppy, quickly pulling the dead squirrel out of his mouth when he realized it was still there.

"Of course I don't, but what if he already has an owner? We may have abducted some poor kid's pet without even realizing it." Wendy pointed out.

"Fuck that poor kid, he's not poorer than me, that's for damn sure!" the boy stated.

"Come on Kenny, don't be that way… Look, we'll put up a few signs around town, if nobody claims him by the end of the week then we'll figure something else out, okay?"

Kenny thought about it for a moment before letting out a frustrated sigh, "You're right, we should at least find out if he's actually a stray before I teach him to kill more animals."

'One problem at a time.' Wendy thought to herself, "Good, we'll get started right after school."

"Yeah, great." her boyfriend grumbled before handing her the dog, "And you can have custody until then." he stated before kissing her on the cheek and walking back into the school.

"Wait, how am I supposed to hide him?!" the girl questioned.

"You're smart, figure it out!" Kenny answered.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"N-now Kenny, I know I said I'd help ya and all, but I just don't think this is a good idea." Butters expressed.

"What's wrong with it?" Kenny asked as he climbed the telephone pole, "Wendy said I had to put up a few signs around town, she didn't say they had to be where people could see them!" he pointed out.

"W-well, I think they did this on an episode of The Simpsons-."

The other boy rolled his eyes, "Dude, why does everything have to come back to The Simpsons with you? 'The Simpsons did this, The Simpsons did that' The Simpsons have been on the air for most of human history at this point, they've done literally everything! No shit they've done this!"

"Th-That's not my point, I-I'm just sayin' it didn't work out on there either." Butters explained.

"Well this isn't The Simpsons, Butters. This is real life, where not everything exists as a setup for a joke." Kenny stated as he stapled the paper onto the pole.

Two people walked by and noticed the boy on the pole, "Hey, what's that kid doing?" one of them asked.

"Looks like he's stapling a flyer to the top of the phone pole." the other answered.

"Wow, what a fucking idiot." the first one stated as they both walked away.

Kenny looked down to address Butters, "See dude? No cartoony bullshit, just normal people with normal reactions." he stated with a grin. The boy's gloating was cut short however when he heard the sound of a truck horn.

A big rig flew down the street at about 88 miles an hour, crashing into the phone pole and knocking it to the ground with Kenny still on it. The teenager landed in a puddle, looking on in fear as the power line fell down into the water with him, running a fucking shitload of electricity through his body. And if all that weren't enough, he soon found out the hard way that the puddle he laid in was not made of water, but instead gasoline which was instantly ignited by the electricity.

The flames went out and Kenny laid in the street, charred to a crisp, "J-Jesus Christ!" Butters exclaimed, "K-Kenny, are you alright?" he asked.

The boy gasped as he sat up, feeling his body to find he had miraculously survived, "Holy shit… HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I LIVED!" he exclaimed, "I ACTUALLY FUCKING LIVED FOR ONCE! I KNEW MY LUCK WAS CHANGING! LOOKS LIKE LIFE'S FINALLY GONNA STOP SUCKING FOR KENNY MCCORMICK!"

His celebration was cut short though, as an intimidating redneck biker dude walked up to the fallen phone pole and pulled off the Found Dog sign. Examining it, he approached the boy in the street, "You found my dog?" he asked in a deep gravelly voice.

Kenny's smile soon fell from his face at the question, "I… Might have." he answered.

"Well, looks like my dog, says you found him 'round where I lost my dog, so I'm thinkin' it's a pretty logical assumption to say you found my dog." the man explained.

"That… Makes sense to me." the teenager admitted.

"So where's my dog?"

"My uh… My girlfriend has him right now, if you wanna give me your address we can come drop him off later."

The man nodded, "Alright." he agreed as he pulled out a notepad and wrote down his name, number, and address, "Bring it over to my place tomorrow. I'll have a little somethin' for your troubles waitin' when ya do."

Kenny took the piece of paper he was given and the man walked off. "Well, this sucks." he lamented as he laid back into the street, only to be run over by a van and killed a moment later.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Do I need to be with you 24/7 just to make sure you don't get yourself killed?" Wendy scolded as she and her boyfriend walked Whiskey to his owner's house.

"Is that an offer?" Kenny asked with a grin.

The girl rolled her eyes, "So what was it this time?" she asked.

"Broken heart, I found out I was losing one of the three things I loved and I just couldn't go on." he answered.

"You are so dramatic." she said as they approached the house, "What are the other two?"

"You and Karen." he answered, ringing the doorbell.

"Aww." she gushed, "Wait, did you just say you-" the door opened, putting an end to their conversation.

"Huh, you actually showed up." the man noted, "This is the girl you were talkin' 'bout? Not bad." he said with a dirty grin.

Kenny subtly pushed himself between his girlfriend and the greasy older man, "Yeah well, here's your dog. Glad we could help you find him." he said, handing over the leash.

"Now you don't wanna go runnin' off so soon now, do ya? I mean, we were just gettin' acquainted." the owner offered, giving Wendy a look that Kenny absolutely did not appreciate.

"Sorry, we've got a double date with our interracial gay friends tonight, so we really don't have time to hang around." the boy stated, fairly certain that at least one part of that lie would disgust the old redneck enough to let them leave without question.

"Oh, well I wouldn't wanna hold ya up then. But at least let me get your reward 'fore ya go." he said, pulling a bill out of his wallet and a cigarette out of his shirt pocket, "Thanks for your help."

Now, Kenny wasn't one to turn up his nose at five bucks and a free cigarette, but between the fact that the smoke was a menthol and the cash looked a lot like it came out of a printer that was running low on ink, he couldn't help the bad taste in his mouth as the door slammed in his face. "Well… At least we reunited Whiskey with his owner." Wendy optimistically said.

The two then heard a loud **YELP** from inside followed up with the phrase, "Fuckin' mutt! Now you're stayin' in the cage!"

"I'm gonna be honest Wendy, that doesn't make me feel much better." her boyfriend admitted.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kenny dug through his closet as Wendy paced his bedroom floor, "Maybe we could call animal control!" she suggested.

The boy shook his head "Animal control is for the removal of dangerous animals. And while that is the description I'd personally use for that asshole, I don't think they'll feel quite the same way." he explained.

"Then what about PETA, or the ASPCA?"

"What, so they can take Whiskey back to one of their slaughterhouses and put him down?! Fuck that!" Kenny protested before finding what he was looking for, "There it is!"

"What are you even looking for any- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" the girl commanded as she shielded her eyes.

"Chill the fuck out and enjoy the view, I wouldn't complain if you started changing in front of me." he pointed out.

"Yeah, that's because you're a massive pervert!"

The boy thought about her statement for a moment, "Yeah, that's true." he admitted as he slipped into his change of clothes, "Alright, my dick's covered."

"Kenny, I swear to god, if I look up and-"

"I'm dressed!" he assured.

Wendy hesitantly looked at her boyfriend to find that he was indeed clothed, but the skintight suit he wore didn't leave much to the imagination, "So Kyle wasn't Mysterion." she deduced.

"Nope." the boy answered in a deeper voice than usual as he walked over to the window, "I'm gonna be back with our dog in a little bit, don't wait up." he said.

"Now wait just a minute, you are not going out there alone!" the girl insisted.

"Mysterion works best alone." he stated.

"Well Mysterion's girlfriend isn't about to let him go pick a fight with some deranged asshole!"

"Technically speaking, you're Kenny's girlfriend, Mysterion's girlfriend is in the living room." he explained.

"In the- You're dating your sister?!" Wendy questioned in shock.

"Mysterion is… Still trying to find a way to let her down gently." the masked boy admitted.

Wendy looked at him with a blank stare, "Let's worry about that creepy little development later" she stated before joining her boyfriend at the window, "I'm coming with you."

"You don't even have a costume!" Kenny argued.

"Then we'll stop at my place so I can put one together!" the girl countered

"You can't just throw together a superhero costume in five minutes!"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"No fucking way you just threw that together in five minutes." Kenny stated in disbelief as he admired his girlfriend.

"Shut up." Wendy instructed, her attention focused solely on her phone, "I'm in!" she exclaimed, "I now have full control of the Facebook page for Skeeter's Bar."

"Okay great, so you can tell middle-aged drunks what tonight's specials are. How does that help us?" the boy asked.

"Well, I looked him up the name he gave you on Facebook and found a lot of comments on Skeeter's page. Mostly stupid things like 'Party time!' or 'I'm there!'." she explained.

"Wow, that's… Really fucking sad." the boy pointed out.

"I know, right?" Wendy agreed as she typed something out on her phone, "Well tonight, dog owners are drinking free! So when he goes down there, we just have to cause a distraction and pull Whiskey right out from under his nose." she explained.

The pair looked at the guy's house to find that he was already on his way, dragging Whiskey right behind him, "Call Girl, you are a fucking genius." the boy complimented.

"Thank you Mysterion."

"One question though, wouldn't it have been easier to just wait for him to leave on his own without Whiskey and break into his house?" Kenny asked.

The girl thought about it for a moment before smacking her forehead, "Why didn't you say something earlier?!" she questioned.

"Because you're hot when you're in the zone." her boyfriend answered with a grin, "Come on, we can still beat him there. To the Mysterion Machine!" he exclaimed before dashing to his father's truck.

"That is by far, the absolute worst pun I have ever heard in my life!"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Look, I don't know what happened, the Facebook page got hacked. But it's not Dog Owners Drink Free Night, sorry." Skeeter explained.

The man groaned in anger, "So I brought this little fucker all the way out here for nothin'?!" he questioned.

"'Fraid so." the bartender answered, "Tell ya what, I'll give ya the first one on the house for all the trouble. Sound good?" he offered.

"Well, I ain't gonna turn down a free drink." the man agreed as he sat down at the bar.

Kenny and Wendy watched the interaction from outside the bar window, "Alright, now we just need a good distraction… Any ideas?" Wendy asked.

"We start a fire." the boy answered.

"Any ideas at all that don't involve arson." she specified.

"Small fire."

"Less arson is still arson. You're this town's greatest defender, are you seriously telling me you can't come up with a good plan?" the girl questioned.

"Most of my job consists of kicking the shit out of creeps in back alleys, you don't exactly need to be Batman to do that." Kenny explained as he examined the room, his eyes landing on his father who sat at the bar with Randy Marsh "But I think I just came up with something."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"I'm tellin' ya Stuart, s'no way your kid's relationship's gonna last." Randy slurred before downing his latest beer, "She's gonna be crawlin' back to Stan in no time."

"You seem pretty fuckin' sure of yourself. You lookin' to go double or nothin'?" Kenny's dad wagered.

The other man laughed, "Like you can afford it!"

"You let me worry 'bout that. Not that I've got anything to worry about, my boy's a McCormick, and we always seal the deal. So, you wanna raise the stakes or not?"

Randy thought about the offer for a moment, "You're on!" he agreed, shaking the other man's hand.

Not a moment passed before Stuart's phone rang and he checked the caller ID, "Well, speak of the devil." he said with a smug grin before putting the call on speaker, "How's it goin' Ken?" he asked.

"Pretty great dad, I've gotta say." the teenager answered, "Hey, you know that bet you've got going with Stan's dad about me?" he asked.

"Funny you should mention it, we were just talkin' about that!" the man stated.

"Well, looks like you won because me and Wendy just had sex!" Kenny exclaimed.

"Wait, what?!" his girlfriend began to protest before he placed his hand over her mouth.

"OH HELL YEAH!" Stuart loudly celebrated, "I'LL TAKE MY WINNINGS IN CASH, MARSH! MY BOY JUST GOT LAID!" he announced, eliciting a cheer from some of the other patrons.

"OH WHAT?! THIS IS BULLSHIT!" Randy drunkenly exclaimed as he jumped to his feet, knocking over the drink of the man next to him.

"HEY! WATCH IT ASSHOLE!" the man stated.

"Fuck off, I'm not in the mood!"

"Well you just knocked over my free beer, and you're gonna buy me another one."

Randy narrowed his eyes at the greasy redneck, "I'm not buyin' you shit!"

"Oh, is that so?" the man asked before slowly getting up from his seat.

"Yeah, that's so." Randy answered as he began to unbutton his shirt.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kenny and Wendy watched as a fight broke out between Randy Marsh and Whiskey's owner, a fight that soon turned into an all out brawl as Kenny's dad joined in. Within moments, the entire bar was engaged in drunken combat. "Holy shit, how did you know that would work?" Wendy questioned.

"I've spent enough time with Stan to know that his dad's a sore loser and an angry drunk. Everything else just kind of fell into place." the boy explained, "But man, even I couldn't have planned for a distraction this good. Now come on, let's go get Whiskey."

The pair entered the building through the window, everybody too drunk and preoccupied with the bar fight to notice or even care about the two costumed teenagers sneaking in. Whiskey nearly knocked over the stool he was tied to when Wendy rushed over to get him, "HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN' TO MY DOG?!" his owner angrily questioned, having noticed them out of the corner of his eye.

Kenny walked up to the man, looked him dead in the eye, and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls, causing him to collapse to the floor, "My dog now, scumbag!" he stated before the pair made a hasty but smooth exit.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Come on dad, just let me keep him." Kenny begged.

"Absolutely not! We can barely afford you and your sister, now you wanna throw a dog into that mix?" the man argued.

"You let Kevin keep a raccoon a few years ago, why the hell is this any different?!" the boy asked.

"Trash Ketchum provided for both himself and this family, do you remember how many nuts and berries he brought home on a daily basis?" his father reminded, "But nooo, you had to be a little asshole and make us put him down!"

"HE GAVE ME RABIES!"

"Oh it's always about you isn't it? '_Oh boohoo, the big bad raccoon bit me, I'm foaming at the mouth, I literally died'. _You're a real fuckin' drama queen, ya know that?!"

Wendy watched on as the two continued to bicker, "Please Mr. McCormick, Whiskey has nowhere else to go. We promise we'll take care of him, we'll find part time jobs to pay for his food and vet bills, you won't even know he's here." she assured.

The older man sighed, "Look Wendy, you're a responsible girl and I know you'll pull your weight, but Kenny's a stoner, a deadbeat, he ain't cut out for takin' care of a living thing."

"You raised three kids in a near constant state of being drunk off your ass." Kenny pointed out.

"Hey, you'd drink too if you spent all day workin' at the welfare office!" his father countered.

"Waiting in line is not the same as working there."

"Watch it smartass!"

"Alright Mr. McCormick, you're the man of the house, it's your call." Wendy relented.

"Huh?" Kenny and his father asked in unison, "I mean yeah, it is my call! Thank you Wendy." the man agreed.

"Dude, what the fuck are you-" Kenny began to protest before his girlfriend covered his mouth.

"But before we get rid of him, all you have to do is look Whiskey in the eyes and tell him you're throwing him out on the cold street." the girl expressed.

Stuart laughed, "That all? Sure, give him here." he requested, taking the puppy from Wendy's hand and lifting him up to eye level, "Alright ya little bastard, time to…" the man couldn't help but lose his concentration as he looked at the dog's face, "Aw, you've got a cute little mustache just like mine." he noted as Whiskey started to lick him. "I uh… You're gonna have to… I can't…"

"_What's wrong Mr. Man Of The House? Aren't ya gonna kick him out_?" Kenny sarcastically asked.

The older man cleared his throat, "A-Alright, here's what I'm gonna do, I won a pretty big bet last night so I've got about two-hundred dollars worth of walkin' around money. I'll loan you the cash so you can pay for his shots and dog food until you two can find jobs to support him yourselves and start paying me back."

Kenny's eyes widened in surprise, "So… We can keep him?" he asked.

"Yeah, you can keep him. But if I find one spec of shit on the floor then I'm puttin' both of you out on the street." Stuart asserted.

"We'll start house training him immediately and we'll pay you back every cent. Thank you so much Mr. McCormick!" Wendy promised before surprising the older man with a hug.

'Lord forgive me for the thought that just popped into my head.' he mentally prayed before clearing his throat, "Yeah, you uh… You make sure ya do!" he commanded as he left the room.

"Damn, that's the first time I've seen him look at anything like that that wasn't… Well, an actual bottle of whiskey." Kenny pointed out before addressing his girlfriend, "You're fucking amazing, you know that?"

Wendy smiled, "Yeah, I know." she agreed.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

After leaving his son's room Stuart heard the sound of his cell phone ringing, pulling it out of his pocket he checked the caller ID before answering, "Hey Randy." he greeted as he wandered into the kitchen.

"Hey, I just wanted to call and make sure there's no hard feelings about last night. You won fair and square and I was wrong to make a scene." the other man admitted.

"Nah, you know the one thing better than gettin' wasted is gettin' in a fight. Last night was the most fun I've had in years!"

Randy chuckled "Yeah, but I still shouldn't have gotten so worked up about something as stupid as a bet on our sons' romantic lives."

Stuart laughed in return, "Nah, I get it, ya bet on a losin' horse, it ain't your fault Wendy likes my boy better than yours."

"I mean, I wouldn't go that far. I still think there's a chance she'll come back to Stan."

"I've gotta disagree with ya on that Randy. Ya know these two got a dog together? Now if that ain't commitment then I don't know what is." the man stated.

"Well sure, but just because they have a dog doesn't automatically mean they're gonna get married." Randy pointed out.

Stuart paused for a moment, "Wanna bet?"

"How much?"

"Five-hundred bucks says Kenny's gonna marry that girl."

"Well I've got five-hundred that says she'll come back to Stan."

"You're on!" Stuart agreed before hanging up the phone, he exited the kitchen to see Kenny and Wendy getting ready to take Whiskey out for a walk, "Kenny, come here, I wanna tell ya somethin' in private!" he commanded, walking toward his bedroom.

The teenager followed his father inside, "What's up?" he asked.

The older man dug around in his wife's nightstand before pulling something out, "Son, I will drop every cent of that debt you owe me right this second if you promise me one thing."

Kenny couldn't help but be intrigued by his father's offer, "What kind of thing?"

"Hold out your hand." he requested.

The boy did as he was told and was shocked to see his father drop a diamond engagement ring into his palm, "My grandfather gave this ring to all three of his wives, your grandfather gave it to both of his, and I gave it to your mother. Now I've got five-hundred bucks ridin' on you givin' it to that girl in the other room."

Kenny couldn't believe what he was hearing, "You… You seriously bet five-hundred bucks that I'd marry Wendy? What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Well, you love her, don't you?" the man asked.

"I mean, fuck yeah, of course I do."

"And you wanna be with her forever, right?"

"Well, sure."

"Then what's wrong with me bettin' on a sure thing?!"

"I just think it's kind of fucked up that you and your drinking buddies keep betting on my relationship status." Kenny expressed.

The older man sighed, "Look, ya don't need to do it right away, ya just need to do it eventually. In the meantime, I need you to treat that girl like a queen and make damn sure she doesn't go crawlin' back to Stan, because that's when I officially lose."

"Well yeah, that was always kind of the plan anyway."

"Perfect! You've got the ring, just ask her when you're ready, and don't fuck things up until then. Alright?"

"Well… Alright, I guess." Kenny hesitantly agreed.

"Good, now go spend time with your woman!" Stuart commanded.

Kenny left the room with his mother's ring in hand and the name 'Wendy McCormick' echoing throughout his mind.

**A/N: Alright, before we take this thing any further I just want to make something clear; Dead Man Walking isn't really a story so much as it is a continuity, one that can tell many stories without breaking off into a thousand sequels and spinoffs. Therefore, some chapters can be part of a larger arc while others will just be little one-shots like this one, but they all take place in the same overall continuity.**

** Now that that's out of the way, I also wanted to thank you all for your wonderful reviews, they truly are one of the big highlights of writing this and I really do appreciate every one of them!**

** Speaking of updates, I don't know when the next update for DMW will be, I've got ideas in my head but the hard part always comes with figuring out how to execute them. So if ya really need that Kenny/Wendy fix until then, you can do one of two things:**

**1\. Do what I did and write your own fic to fill up the Kendy tag (Seriously, all the other ships are kicking our ass in terms of quantity).**

**Or**

**2\. Go read Pink Lemonade if you haven't already, it's probably the best Kenny/Wendy fic you're gonna find. It's even complete now, and the author's already started on a promising looking sequel! Seriously, I can't recommend that fic enough, it's fuckin' great!**

** And as always, I hope you enjoyed! Let me know if this chapter sucked or ruled with a review.**


	7. Chapter 7

Kenny unloaded a can of spray paint into a paper bag, before holding it over his mouth and nose, inhaling its contents. The boy looked over to find his companion shooting him a dirty look, "What's your problem, fatass?"

Cartman shook his head, "You're a fucking wreck dude. I thought you said we were gonna be tagging some walls!"

"No, I said I was gonna have some fun in a back alley with a few cans of paint and you immediately invited yourself along." the other teenager corrected before taking another huff, "Also, can you remind me why the hell you brought Butters?"

"Because he's a good lookout." the fat boy answered.

"Uh, fellers? I really don't think I should be here. I-if my parents find out I'm hangin' out in back alleys, they'll ground me!" Butters explained as he jerked his head around looking for any signs of trouble.

"Dude, you're sixteen, quit being such a fucking pussy!" Cartman ordered before picking up a few of the spray-cans and examining the colors, "Why the fuck did you bring so much purple and yellow?" he questioned before coming to a realization, "Oh dude, are you fucking serious?!"

"What?"

"You were gonna paint a mural for your hippie bitch girlfriend, weren't you?" the other boy deduced.

Kenny's face turned slightly red at the accusation, luckily it was mostly concealed by the silver paint around his mouth, "What the hell makes you think that? Purple and yellow are like, my two favorite colors!" he pointed out.

Cartman rolled his eyes, "Dude, how long have we been vandalizing this alley together?"

"Six years."

"And in those six years, what have you painted on these walls?"

"My name and a whole bunch of titties." the boy answered.

"Exactly. The only colors I've seen you use in six years are beige, pink, and orange."

"Big deal, so I'm mixing things up a little for once… Also-" Kenny sprayed his huffing paint into Cartman's eyes.

"AH, SHIT! FUCKING ASS-CUNT! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!" the heavyset teenager screamed.

"For calling my girlfriend a bitch… Ya bitch."

"What the fuck is it with you two and spraying shit in my eyes?!"

Kenny shrugged, "I dunno, maybe we're just soulmates like that."

"Fuckin' gay." Cartman stated, "Oh god, I'm gonna go blind, you've gotta get me to the hospital!"

"Shake it off dude, you'll be fine."

"I-I dunno Ken, I'm pretty sure you're n-not supposed to get that stuff in your eyes." Butters noted.

The other boy waved it off, "My dad sprayed paint in my face every once in a while when I was a kid, usually when the Broncos lost. If there were any bad side-effects then I think I would know."

"Oh yeah? Are there any bad side-effects now?" Cartman asked before spraying Kenny in the face with a can of purple.

"AH FUCK! YOU SON OF A WHORE!" the boy cursed before spraying back.

"AH! COCKSUCKING HIPPIE FUCKING BITCH!" Cartman took the battle one step further by throwing his can of paint at Kenny's head and within moments they were on the ground brawling.

"Fellers, FELLERS! Come on, break it up! Please?" Butters requested.

The boy's pleas would go unheard, not that it mattered though, considering Kenny had easily overtaken the larger boy and held him in an arm lock, "Who's your daddy bitch? Who's your daddy?!"

"My dad's dead, asshole!" Cartman reminded.

"Yeah, I kind of don't have any sympathy for ya there. Ya know, considering you're the one who killed him." Kenny reminded before kneeing the other boy in the side.

"JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!" the boys heard an unfamiliar voice demand.

'Please don't be a cop, please don't be a cop.' Kenny mentally begged whatever deity was willing to listen. And it would seem all the deities ignored the absolute fuck out of him because there in the alley, examining the scene of paint cans and the fighting kids was a fucking cop. 'Shit.'

"Skinny kid, stand up and put your hands where I can see them."

Kenny had spent enough time in the poor neighborhood to know that when a cop tells you to do something with few witnesses around, ya fuckin' do it, even if you're immortal because let's face it, getting shot fucking hurts, "Yes sir." he agreed before doing as he was told.

"Fat kid, do you need any help getting up?" the officer asked.

Cartman shot a dirty look, "HEY! I'm not fat, I'm big boned!" he corrected as he got to his feet.

"Big bones don't jiggle like that." the officer pointed out to Cartman's irritation, "Now, would you like to tell me what's going on here?"

Kenny quickly got into character and gave a fake laugh, "Aw, it's nothin' officer, just a couple buds screwin' around between shifts at the soup kitchen. Isn't that right Eric?" he asked.

Cartman saw his friend's attempt to bullshit his way out of this, it would probably work if himself and Butters played their roles right. But of course, the fat bastard had his own idea, "Oh thank God you got here when you did officer! Me and my friend were walking down the street when we saw this… This thug spray painting the walls! I tried to do my civic duty and stop him but then he attacked me!"

"What?! That's a fucking lie!" the other boy defended.

"HE SAID HE WAS GONNA FORCE HIMSELF ON ME AND TAKE MY ASS VIRGINITY!"

"I'M GONNA DO WHAT ALL THAT KFC SHOULD'VE DONE YEARS AGO AND FUCKING KILL YOU!" Kenny threatened before grabbing Cartman by the shirt.

The boy found himself tackled to the ground before being handcuffed and dragged to a police car, "Bye Kenny, have fun getting raped in prison!" Cartman teased.

"You're gonna fucking pay for this fatass!"

"Oh really? What are ya gonna do, send me a bunch of threatening letters written in your own blood?" the boy asked.

"Simpsons did it." Butters noted under his breath as he watched his friend get dragged away.

Kenny shook his head, "Nope, I'm gonna use my one phone call to tell Wendy about this!", Cartman's eyes widened in fear, "_Don't worry dude, I'm sure she'll be __real__ understanding about you getting her boyfriend arrested._" he sarcastically added.

"Alright, shut up and get in the car!" the cop ordered.

The two remaining teenagers watched as Kenny was driven away, "Oh shitballs." the fat teenager cursed.

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"YOU GOT KENNY THROWN IN JUVIE?!" Wendy screamed as she violently pressed Cartman against a locker.

"Hey, it's not my fault you're dating a violent menace to society!" Cartman defended, 'Crazy Hippie Bitch and Psycho Poor Kid has got to be the worst ship in the history of forever.' he incorrectly thought to himself.

Wendy slammed the bastard's head against the metal, "You and I both know Kenny wouldn't hurt a fly without a damn good reason! So what did you do?!"

"All I did was call you a bitch and he went all White Knight on my ass!" the boy explained, "So come to think of it, this is all your fault!"

The girl slammed him against the lockers once more, "The second Kenny gets out of jail, we're both going to kick the absolute shit out of you!" she promised before throwing Cartman to the ground and walking away.

Wendy made her way to the school's back door, swinging it open before stepping outside, "Firkle, give me some cigarettes." she ordered.

The short goth began to argue "I'm not your fucking-"

"NOW!" she reiterated. Firkle did as he was told and emptied half his pack, handing the smokes over to Wendy, "Thank you." she said in appreciation before pocketing them.

"So, you're finally ready to ruin those pretty pink lungs of yours?" Henrietta asked.

The girl shook her head, "Kenny asked me to bring them when I visit him." she explained with a sigh, "I'm so worried about him. All alone in there with all those criminals."

"Kenny's tough, he'll be fine." Michael assured, "I mean, what's the worst that could happen? It's just juvie."

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"Alright kid, welcome to your new home." the guard stated as he escorted Kenny to his cell.

"Honestly, not that much worse than my old one." the teenager noted as he looked around, "Is that… Heat?! Holy shit! Oh yeah, huge improvement!"

The guard rolled his eyes, "Glad ya like it. Time to meet your new roommate." he said as he shoved Kenny into his cell and shut the door.

"Friendly prick, ain't he?" the boy said under his breath, he looked around the small room to see another teenager sitting on one of the beds. Muscular, blonde, around his age… Familiar?

"So, you're my new roommate huh?" the other boy said in a southern accent.

'Sounds familiar too. Do I know this guy?' Kenny wondered to himself, "For the next couple weeks at least, I'm…" the boy realized something, you only get one first impression, and if he's gonna be imprisoned with this guy then he wants to sound tough, Kenny's not a name for a tough guy, Kenny's a name for a country music singer or something, "They call me The Slayer." he introduced, 'Fucking badass.'

The other teenager held back a laugh, "Nice to meet ya, _Slayer_. Name's Trent Boyett." he said as he held out his hand.

Kenny felt his heart drop into his stomach and all the color drain from his face at the introduction, 'Oh shit.' he thought to himself before shaking Trent's hand, "The pleasure's all mine."

Trent grinned at the boy's reaction, "Guess my reputation's held up over the years." he noted.

"I guess you could say that." Kenny agreed, 'Holy shit, I'm locked up in the same room with Trent Wants-To-Fucking-Murder-Me Boyett.' he thought to himself in fear, 'Why hasn't he done it yet though? He's been waiting eleven years to get me alone, why isn't he-'

"Good. I've got a couple guys on the outside who I want to stay good and scared." Trent stated.

The boy didn't know what to think, it's almost as if Trent had never seen his face before in his- it was when Kenny tried playing with the strings of his parka that he realized he wasn't wearing it, and with that revelation came another, 'He's never seen me without my hood. He doesn't know what I look or sound like.'

"So, what are ya in for Slayer?" he questioned.

"Assault. You?" Kenny asked like he didn't already know. 'Well, it has been about six years since his revenge rampage, maybe he's over it!' the optimist considered.

The grin ran away from Trent's face at the question "Framed for two counts of arson and one count of murder by a group of traitorous assholes." he answered, "Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick. Those fuckers are dead men walkin'."

'Oh cool, he kinda said the name of the fic and is also 100% abso-fucking-lutely not over it in the slightest! _Yay._' he thought to himself, "They sound like a bunch of pricks."

"You've got no idea. I used to think they were alright at first, but these guys'll turn on ya in a second, don't matter who ya are. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they've turned on each other at this point. Know what I mean?"

The boy thought about that description for a moment, "Yes Trent, I know exactly what you mean."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Wendy, I've missed you so much!" Kenny expressed for the fifth time as he kissed his girlfriend wherever he could. "I can't think straight without you, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even tell how long it's been since we were last together."

"Quit being so dramatic, you've been in here for two days." the girl reminded.

"Two days without you might as well be a life sentence." he poetically stated before kissing her once again, "Please tell me you got me those things I asked for." he begged.

Wendy smiled before handing them over, "Half a pack of smokes and a picture of me in that one tank top you really like."

The boy shed a tear of joy, "I love that tank top and everything it holds." he said before kissing her once more.

"So, aside from the fact that you apparently can't function without me anymore, how's everything else on the inside?" she questioned, "You're not anyone's bitch, are you?"

Kenny chuckled, "No Wendy, this ass is all for you once you choose to accept it." he assured, "You'll never guess who they've got me roomed with though. Remember Trent Boyett?"

"From preschool?!"

"Yep."

"I remember that psycho, didn't you and the guys used to be friends with him?"

"Kinda, he wants to kill us all now."

"Do I want to know?"

"It's a long story."

"In other words you guys did something absolutely horrible that you're not telling me about."

"Bingo."

"Should I be worried?"

"Nah, I'll be fine."

"I mean about Trent, something tells me you might be a bad influence on him."

"I don't need to take that from someone who's dating a convict." Kenny stated before ending the conversation with a kiss, a moment passed before they were making out on the table.

"McCormick, time's up!" the guard said, Kenny ignored him and continued sucking on his girlfriend's face, "Now McCormick!" the guard reiterated only to be once again ignored.

The guard walked over to drag the boy away from Wendy, "I'll be out in a couple weeks! Wait for me! I'm gonna be thinking about you nonstop! I love you so fucking much, you have no fucking clue!" he shouted as he was dragged away.

Wendy giggled at her boyfriend's over-the-top display. She got up from the table with a sigh, looking back to the door Kenny had been dragged through as the smile ran away from her face.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Bebe and Wendy walked home from their latest shift at Benny's Diner, "You know you didn't have to kick that guy in the face, right?" Wendy asked.

"He was trying to look up your skirt!" Bebe defended.

"I dropped my pen, he was picking it up for me!" she countered.

"That's exactly what he wanted you to think." the other girl warned, "I'm not about to sit by and watch my best friend get molested!"

"I can beat the shit out of my own perverts, thanks!" Wendy pointed out, "I swear, you're as bad as Kenny sometimes."

Bebe laughed, "So how is the jailbird anyway? You went to see him yesterday, right?"

Wendy sighed, "He's surviving, I guess."

"You miss him?" the other girl questioned.

"I mean, he's only been gone for a few days." she pointed out.

"That's not an answer. Come on, you've been hanging out with him nonstop since you started dating, you're really gonna tell me it's not weird without him around?" Bebe asked.

Wendy rolled her eyes, "We're not conjoined twins, us not being together isn't some big historic event." she explained as the two approached Bebe's house, "Look, of course I miss him, I love hanging out with Kenny! But a couple weeks apart isn't going to drive me completely out of my mind. Okay?"

The other girl shook her head, "You are so in denial." she noted, "See ya tomorrow Wendy, try not to go crazy without your soulmate!"

"WILL YOU STOP CALLING US THAT!" Wendy demanded as she watched her best friend walk into her house, the girl walked down the sidewalk to her own house, 'Kenny is going to be out in two weeks. I am not getting separation anxiety over two weeks without him, especially since I'll be visiting him again in that time!' she assured herself.

The girl kept walking the oddly lengthy distance between Bebe's house and her own. Strange, they only live a few yards away from each other, why would it take her so long to-

Wendy looked down at the train track that she had just walked over 'Wait, there's no…' she looked up to see she had made her way into the poor neighborhood… Kenny's neighborhood… she wondered why she would have come here when it hit her 'Right, I still have to feed Whiskey! He's just as much my dog as he is Kenny's. Sure, Karen would probably do it for us, but why take any chances!' she reasoned to herself as she made her way to the boy's house.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kenny sat in the yard with a cigarette in his mouth, staring at his picture of Wendy, 'Just ten more days, beautiful.' he thought to himself. He was so transfixed in the girl's image that he didn't even notice Trent approach him.

"Slayer, you've been lookin' at that picture for the past two days. I'm startin' to think you've gone brain-dead." the seasoned convict noted.

"Yeah." the boy agreed, not really paying attention.

Curious, Trent walked behind his cellmate to see just what had him so enamored, "That your girl?" he asked with a look of approval.

"Fuck yeah, dude." Kenny affirmed.

"She's cute."

"Yeah, smart too, and talented, and principled, and amazing, and she's got a great ass."

Trent nodded "You're a lucky man, I never had a girl, bein' locked up in here all these years." he lamented.

"Hey, don't sweat it dude, plenty of guys on the outside never had girlfriends either. They just sit around on the internet all day getting into arguments with strangers." Kenny assured.

Trent shook his head, "The way some of these fuckers waste their freedom." he noted before taking a better look at the picture, "Ya know, I knew a girl in preschool who wore a beret like that."

Kenny tensed up at the mention of preschool, "Yeah? I only met her a couple years ago in middle school." he lied.

"One of the guys that got me locked up in here had the biggest crush on her." the other boy recalled, "Always starin' at her from the other side of the room, drawin' pictures of her with big tits."

'Stan did that? Huh, I thought I was the only man of culture in our group.' Kenny mused to himself, "Let me guess, he was too nervous to actually talk to her and he just threw up every time he tried?"

Trent shook his head "Nah, nothin' like that. He just ran away from her and hid behind that hood he always wore."

'Oh shit, that's my trademark… So the preschool bully apparently knew me better than any of my best friends? Neat.'

"I was gettin' sick of seein' it, I was gonna tell him to quit bein' such a fuckin' pussy and make a move, maybe twist his arm 'til he told her… Ya know, before he got me locked up."

'Damn, that probably would've been helpful… So the preschool bully had my best interests at heart this whole time? Neat.'

"Let me tell ya, he was the best one in that group too. We were the poorest kids in school, lived in the same neighborhood, if anyone would've had my back I figured it would've been him… He was probably the best friend I ever had, come to think of it." Trent explained, "Fuckin' bastard."

'So not only did I help send a semi-innocent man to jail for the majority of his life, I also screwed myself out of a potentially strong friendship?… That's not neat… That actually sucks a fat one.' Kenny mused to himself, "Dude… I am so fucking sorry."

The other teenager waved it off, "Don't worry 'bout it. He's gonna be sorry as shit once I get out of here, all four of 'em are."

Kenny resisted the urge to shit himself in fear, luckily his bowels were distracted by another prisoner tripping over his outstretched legs and falling to the ground, the boy watched as his fellow inmate jerked his head to look at him in anger, "You're gonna pay for that!" he stated.

The convict shuffled to his feet and dragged the boy up to eye level by his shirt. Kenny braced for impact, but the punch that came didn't connect with his own face, "YOU TOUCH HIM AGAIN AND I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKIN' TEETH OUT WITH A CROWBAR!" Trent warned.

Within moments, the now downed prisoner's affiliated group had approached the two teenagers, "Big mistake, asshole." one of them remarked before they all closed in.

"Oh shit." Kenny stated as two guys grabbed him, 'Okay, okay, just chill out. Remember your training.' he thought to himself.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kenny thought back to when he was nine, him and Kevin standing in their back yard in fighting stances, "Alright Ken, if you're seriously gonna run around fightin' crime in that gay-ass Mr. Eon costume-"

"It's Mysterion!" the boy corrected, his voice muffled through his hood.

"I seriously don't give a shit." Kevin assured, "Point is, you're gonna need to know how to fight." he explained.

"So you're gonna teach me karate?" Kenny questioned.

His brother shook his head, "Fuck that Bruce Lee shit, you're gonna be goin' up against dirty street rats that ain't gonna pull any punches. They're gonna be fightin' dirty and they're gonna be fightin' to kill, so you're gonna need to fight even dirtier than them. Ya feel me?" he explained.

"I guess."

Kevin nodded, "Sweet. Now grab them water bottles over there and we can get started." he instructed.

Kenny turned around to grab the water, not a second went by before he felt his legs get kicked out from under him followed by a second kick to his liver once he was on the ground, "OW, SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!" he screamed loud enough that it almost came out clearly through the fabric of his coat.

"NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON YOUR OPPONENT!" the older boy scolded, "You let your guard down around these fuckers and a kick in the side's gonna be the least of your worries! Now get up." he instructed, holding out his hand.

The boy grabbed his brother's hand, only to feel it tighten around his own, within a moment he was thrown across the yard and into the fence, the wood splinted on impact and jabbed him through his clothes.

"NEVER TRUST YOUR OPPONENT! THERE AIN'T NO SPORTSMANSHIP ON THE STREETS!" Kevin asserted.

Kenny groaned in pain, "Ow, dude, that was just…"

The older boy watched as tears collected in his little brother's eyes, "Aw come on, don't be such a fuckin' pussy!" he scolded, feeling increasingly bad as the kid writhed in pain, "Shit, come on Ken, I'm sorry I threw ya so hard." he comforted as he approached the boy, "How's 'bout we take a little break, I'll get ya some ice and we can go watch some Terrance and Phil-"

He was silenced by a hard kick to the balls, falling to the ground in pain before Kenny climbed on top of him and rubbed a handful of dirt in his eyes, "How was that?" the boy asked.

Kevin pushed the younger boy off and tried to clean out his eyes, "THAT HAD TO BE THE DIRTIEST, CHEAPEST, MOST LOW DOWN THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!" he shouted before looking at his brother with a smile, "You're gonna do great out there!"

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Back in the present, Kenny was being held back by one convict while the other prepared to beat the absolute living shit out of him, he had to think quick, "Hey look! Terry the Trap's got his ass out!" he shouted.

The one who was about to deliver the beating turned his head to look at the sweet girly man-pussy that he'd be disappointed to find was not there. Distracted, Kenny kicked his assailant as hard as he could in the balls before getting his arm loose and elbowing the other guy in the nose, breaking it on impact.

With those two down for the count, he turned to see Trent defending himself against the other three, "TRENT, MOVE!" the boy shouted, once his cellmate get out of the way Kenny grabbed a handful of sand and tossed it into their faces. Once they were blinded, the boy tackled one of them to the ground and began pummeling him into the dirt.

Trent didn't take much time to admire the other boy's competence before turning his attention to the other two convicts. Quickly, he walked over to them and kicked one in the knee as hard as he could before grabbing him by the ankles and throwing him at the other, effectively beating a motherfucker with another motherfucker.

Once the whole group was immobilized, Kenny and Trent sat on the ground next to their fallen adversaries, sweaty, out of breath, their hearts beating fast, "You okay Trent?" Kenny asked.

The other boy nodded, "Yeah." he answered, trying to control his breathing, "And here I figured Slayer was just a dumb nickname ya gave yourself to sound tough."

"Yeah, me too." he agreed.

Finally, the guards who had been watching the fight alongside the other convicts stepped in, "Alright, break it up." one of them ordered.

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Karen McCormick entered her home at around 7PM, noting that neither of her parents were passed out in the living room 'They must've gone out.' she reasoned to herself as she made her way further into the house. She was taken by surprise when she noticed the sound of progressive rock and the smell of a lit joint fill the air. "Kenny?!" she questioned in excitement as she ran to her brother's room.

Once she got there, the excited look on her face changed to one of confusion when she saw that it wasn't her brother laid out on his bed smoking weed, "Oh shit!" Wendy cursed as she tried to wave the smoke out of the air, "H-hey Karen! What's up?" she asked.

"Not much…" the younger girl answered, "What uh… What's going on with you?"

"Oh, nothing." she answered, "I just came over to feed Whiskey, and I just kinda… Like, uhh… You know what I mean?"

"Not really." Karen said as she sat on Kenny's bed and held out her hand, "Pass it." she said.

"I uhh… Should I… Aren't you-"

The girl rolled her eyes, "You're not the only one who knows where Kenny keeps his stash." she explained. Wendy accepted the response and handed over the joint with a shrug, watching as Karen took a hit and began coughing, "So, the rumors are true then?" she asked once her cough died down.

"Rumors?" Wendy questioned.

"That my brother's been a bad influence on you, leading you to a life of sex, drugs, and rock and roll." the girl specified.

"What?! No, I don't do drugs." she defended.

"_Oh really Wendy? So I guess this thing you were sucking on is a candy cane then_?" Karen sarcastically questioned.

Wendy rolled her eyes, "Do all you McCormicks speak exclusively in fluent sarcasm?" she asked as the younger girl handed her back the joint.

"Kinda. But me and Kenny do it the best." she boasted.

"I can tell." the girl noted before taking a hit.

"So, I take it you miss him as much as I do?" Karen asked.

Wendy coughed the smoke out of her lungs, "I mean yeah, I miss him."

Karen shook her head, "I mean like, really miss him. Like 'Holy shit, I can't stand not having him around.' miss him. Ya feel me?"

The older girl laughed, "_Oh yeah, I have no fucking idea how I haven't gone completely insane without Kenny by my side 24/7_" she sarcastically answered.

"Hey, that's how I feel when I spend too much time away from my boyfriend." the other girl countered, "I haven't seen Mysterion in a while too." she added with a sigh.

'As soon as he gets out of juvie, Kenny and I are having a serious talk about him breaking up with his sister.' Wendy mentally noted.

"Face it Wendy, you're hanging out in his room, smoking his weed, and listening to his cassettes." Karen noted, taking a moment to notice the song playing, "For fuck's sake, the album your playing is Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd!"

"I just really like this album!" the girl defended.

"Why's that?" the younger girl questioned.

Wendy hesitated in her answer, "The fact that it's the first album Kenny showed me when we started dating is completely irrelevant, if that's what you're getting at!" she defended.

Karen rolled her eyes, "Sure it is."

"Look, Kenny being gone has been hard on both of us."

The younger girl laughed, "Ha, you said 'hard on'." she pointed out.

Wendy groaned, "Ugh, it's like you two are the exact same person!"

"That your way of saying you wanna screw around?" Karen asked with a grin, satisfied with the blush she was able to bring to the other girl's face.

"You… Stop that! Don't get weird!" she requested.

"Come on, the two of us can practice a little until Kenny gets out of jail then we can see just how weird shit can get." Karen said with a smirk, holding back a laugh at the dismayed look on Wendy's face.

"Out." Wendy ordered.

"Come on, I'm just fucking around!" the younger girl assured, "Unless-"

"OUT!"

Karen laughed as she walked toward the door, "Kenny's right, you're way too easy to mess with." she noted before closing the door.

Wendy shook her head, 'I can deal with my boyfriend perving out on me every five minutes, but his sister too?' she mused before taking another hit from the joint.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Both of us are breaking up with Karen the second you get out of here." Wendy expressed to her boyfriend.

"So that's a no on the three-way then?" Kenny asked.

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?" the girl questioned.

"Like it's our fault you're so irresistible?" her boyfriend countered.

Wendy buried her face in her hands, "I'm surrounded by degenerates."

"Yeah." Kenny agreed, "Yet you continue to stick around. What's that say about you?"

"Probably something about my better judgment." the girl expressed, "Speaking of bad judgment and degeneracy, how are you doing?"

Her boyfriend shrugged, "I'm starting to feel bad for getting Trent locked up. He's actually pretty cool."

Wendy rolled her eyes, "You're not supposed to feel bad about sending an innocent man to jail just because he's 'pretty cool'. You're supposed to feel bad because it's a generally horrible thing to do."

"Hey, me feeling bad isn't gonna get him his lost years back." the boy pointed out.

"You're a dick."

"I'm your dick."

The girl sighed, "Yeah, I guess you are."

Kenny leaned in and kissed his girlfriend, "You miss me, admit it."

"_My life is absolutely falling apart without you._" she sarcastically assured with a roll of her eyes.

"Miss. Testaburger, if you continue speaking sarcasm to me then I promise I will not be able to keep my hands off you." Kenny warned.

"McCormick, five minutes!" one of the guards shouted.

The boy rolled his eyes, "What's that? How much time you can last with your wife?" he insulted.

"TWO MINUTES!"

"Yeah, that sounds more like it." Kenny shot back.

"ALRIGHT SMARTASS, NOW!" the guard shouted before grabbing the teenager by the collar of his shirt and dragging him away.

"Just one more week Wends! Promise you'll wait for me!" he requested.

Wendy rolled her eyes "Of course I promise." she assured with a smile.

"FUCK YEAH!" Kenny celebrated with a pump of his fist before addressing the guard, "Hey Quincy, bet you wish your wife was as loyal as my girl!" he teased.

"Let's see how hard you're laughing when I get you in the blind-spot of a security cam!" Quincy threatened.

"Beat me all you want, but you'll never beat your masculine insecurity!" Kenny shouted with a laugh as the two disappeared through the door.

Wendy shook her head as she got up to leave, 'He's going to get himself killed in there.' she thought to herself, the idea made her smile 'At least he'll be out sooner if he does.' she considered in a morbidly optimistic way.

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"It sucks this is your last week." Trent said to his cellmate.

Kenny looked at the other boy in confusion, "Well fuck you too dude."

"That's not what I meant." the other teenager said with a laugh, "I'm sayin' you're like the first guy I've met in here that wasn't a total jackass. Everybody else is either afraid of me or tryin' too hard to act like a tough guy."

"Hey, I'm tough." Kenny defended.

"Yeah, and ya don't go around showin' off about it either… Ya know, 'side from callin' yourself '_The Slayer_'."

"The Slayer will be sure to remember you making fun of his name." the other boy jokingly threatened.

"ALRIGHT, LIGHTS OUT, EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO BED!" the two heard a guard shout before the lights turned off.

Kenny laid back on his bed as soon as the lights went out, "Well, I know I don't wanna be awake when the chorus of masturbation and anal sex starts up. 'Night Trent." he said before throwing his pillow over his head to better drown out the sounds of late night prison love making.

"Yeah, 'night." Trent said in return, "And hey, 'least we've still got the rest of the week to hang out before you're free."

"Yeah, that's pretty cool." Kenny agreed, his voice muffled by his pillow.

The other teenager's eyes widened at the sound, "What you just say?" he asked.

Kenny removed the pillow from his face, "I said 'that's pretty cool'." he stated more clearly.

Trent sat up in his bed, "Cover your face again." he ordered.

The boy was confused by the odd request, "Why?" he asked.

"I said cover your fuckin' face!"

"Dude, what's up your ass?"

Trent grabbed his own pillow and ran across the cell, pinning Kenny down and smothering him with the cushion, "NOW TALK!"

"DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" he muffled through the padding.

The seasoned was seeing red as he pulled away the pillow, "It is you! Kenny fuckin' McCormick!"

'Oh shit, I'm gonna die.' he thought to himself before trying to force a laugh, "What? Dude, what are you-"

Trent pushed him back onto the bed and smothered him once again, "Say somethin' sexual, NOW!"

Kenny panicked and screamed the first dirty thought that popped into his head "I LIKE GIRLS WITH BIG FAT TITTIES, I LIKE GIRLS WITH DEEP VAGINAS!" he muffled, the words barely intelligible.

Trent pulled the pillow away once again, "I can't fuckin' believe it. All this time I've been waitin' to get out, and now you're in here with me." he stated, "So where's the other three? Ain't you four always together?"

The boy coughed before catching his breath, "We're… Kinda not on speaking terms right now." he explained.

The other teenager scoffed, "Figures. Let me guess, you were always a horny little bastard, you screwed one of their girlfriends, didn't ya?!"

"No!" Kenny defended, "I just kinda started dating Stan's ex." he admitted before Trent threw him to the concrete ground.

"Once a traitor always a traitor. You make me fuckin' sick!"

"Dude, I can totally explain how that happened in a five-part story that not only fleshes out my character and backstory but will also 100% sell you on team Kendy."

"I AIN'T INTERESTED IN A FUCKIN' SOB STORY THAT ENDS WITH YOU GETTIN' THE GIRL AND RIDIN' OFF INTO THE SUNSET!" Trent expressed, "All I'm interested in is the justice I never got. Tomorrow in the yard we're gonna settle this once and for all. I'm gonna finally give you the beatdown you've had comin' for the past eleven years." he promised, spitting in Kenny's face before walking back to his own bed.

The teenager laid on the cold hard floor for the rest of the night, too scared to even take notice of the ambient sound of a prison full of adolescent boys jacking off and plooking each other.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Wendy awoke at around 7:30AM with a yawn, stretching as she got out of bed, threw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, her beret, and Kenny's parka before making her way into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. Once she started the coffee maker, an older woman entered the room, "Morning Mrs. McCormick."

The woman yawned "Mornin' Wendy." she greeted in return, "And I told ya you can just call me Carol."

"Right, sorry. Coffee should be ready in a couple minutes." the girl noted.

Carol nodded as she lit up a cigarette, "So, are you just livin' with us now or…"

Wendy shook her head, "Just taking care of Whiskey until Kenny gets back." she explained. She couldn't leave the poor dog all alone after all, just because the twin-sized mattress smelled exactly like Kenny doesn't mean Whiskey wouldn't notice his absence.

"Gotcha." the woman said with a nod, "And your parents-"

"Think I've been staying at Bebe's." the girl preemptively answered as she watched the coffee pot fill to the top and emptied half its contents into two cups, handing one to her future mother-in-law boyfriend's mother…

No she didn't just think of Carol as her future mother-in-law, don't be ridiculous!

Moments later, the two were joined in the kitchen by the house's remaining residents, Stuart, Karen, and the little golden retriever puppy that Wendy held co-ownership over. "Mornin' mom, mornin' New-Kenny." Karen greeted as she grabbed herself a cup of coffee.

Wendy rolled her eyes, "_That joke gets funnier every time you tell it._" she sarcastically remarked.

"It's also less of a joke every time I say it." the younger girl noted.

"Fuck off."

"Hey, don't tell your sister to fuck off, ya little bastard!" Stuart ordered before realizing who he was talking to, "Oh shit… Sorry, it's the coat."

Wendy shook her head and looked at the time, "Come on Karen, we're gonna be late for school." she said before grabbing to paper bags out of the refrigerator and handing one to the younger girl.

Karen smiled as she took the bag, "I'm sorry for calling you New-Kenny." she said

The older girl returned the smile, "That's okay." she accepted, "Now come on, let's get to school."

"Sure thing, Better-Kenny." Karen agreed as they made their way out the door. The two had walked a little past the train tracks before Karen opened her mouth again, "You seriously don't see it?"

"See what?" Wendy asked, her voice muffled by the hood of her boyfriend's parka that she had put up once they got outside.

The younger girl shook her head, "You smell like his weed, you sleep in his bed, you're dressed in his clothes, and you still think you're doing fine without him? I can't even tell the difference between you two anymore!"

Wendy reached under the hood and pulled out her beret, putting it on top where it was visible, "Better?"

"Now you just look like someone's weird fan art of your kid!" (Someone go draw that), "Face it Wendy, you're just as much a wreck without him as he is without you."

"You're reading way to much into this" Wendy stated as the two of them joined Bebe at the bus stop.

"Hey Kenny, hey Karen, have you seen Wendy?" Bebe asked.

"Are you fucking serious?" the girl muffled through the coat.

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It was high noon when all the boys in the yard gathered to watch the brawl, prisoners and guards alike all crowded to see Kenny and Trent go at it, "Come on dude, just think about it! Sure, a fight's all well and good, but a game of chess? Now that's how you settle shit!" Kenny offered.

Trent shook his head, "Ya ain't smartassin' your way outta this, this ends now!" he asserted.

The teenager sighed before stretching out a little, "Alright, but I've gotta warn you, they don't call me The Great Keanu for nothing."

"The fuck's that even mean?!" the other boy questioned.

"I do not know." he admitted, "But don't think I'm gonna go easy on you just because we're friends."

"We're not friends!"

"Reverse psychology's not gonna save you now." the boy stated, 'Okay, just keep him talking and you might get out of this unscath- Nope, he's coming toward me. Shit, shit, SHIT!'

Kenny found himself wrapped in a headlock within moments. Thinking fast, he located his opponent's liver and slammed his fist into it as hard as he could, knocking the wind out of him and loosening his grip.

The boy managed to flip Trent over his shoulder, eliciting a loud roar from the surrounding crowd as Kenny pinned the other teenager to the ground, "Ya know, I'm willing to let this go if you are." he offered.

"I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!"

"_Oh wow, never heard that one before_.", Trent answered Kenny's sarcasm with a well placed headbutt to the face, knocking him to the ground where he proceeded to punch the absolute fuck out of him. After about thirty seconds of the onslaught, Kenny pulled one of his arms loose and clawed into his opponent's eyes, blinding him long enough to kick him off. Shuffling to his feet Kenny looked around for anything that could give him an advantage, "Why's there never a random brick laying around when I need it?" he questioned.

Their brief armistice didn't last long however when Kenny was once again tackled to the ground by the furious convict, "Any last words?" he asked as he gripped the boy's throat.

'Holy shit, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna… Oh yeah, death doesn't mean shit to me." the boy realized, "Actually, if he does kill me then I get to go home early, I'll get to see Wendy sooner! He gets his revenge, everyone's happy! Okay, last words, gotta be something tough, like in an action movie… Then again, if he kills me they'll probably extend his sentence, this could be the last time I ever see him.' Kenny thought for a moment before deciding on his last words, "Dude, I am so fucking sorry." he choked out.

Trent stared down at his opponent, watching as the life slowly drained from his eyes before loosening his grip, "Seriously?"

Kenny nodded, "Seriously."

The seasoned convict took a moment to catch his breath, "Alright." he said with a nod, getting up to brush himself off.

'What the- No, NO!' Kenny began to mentally panic, "Aren't you gonna kill me?" he questioned.

Trent shook his head, "Nah, we're good."

'Come on dude, don't do this shit to me. KILL ME! KILL ME!' Kenny thought to himself, "But I ruined your life, don't you wanna end mine in return?" he practically begged.

The other boy thought about it for a moment, "Nope. I kicked your ass and got a genuine apology, that's all I ever really wanted." he explained before walking away.

Kenny made his way to his feet, not believing what just happened, 'Un-fucking-believable.' he thought to himself. 'Screw it, there's more than one way to die in jail.' he considered before addressing the crowd "I'VE GOT HALF A PACK OF CIGARETTES FOR ANYONE WITH THE BALLS TO KILL ME!" he shouted.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Wendy woke up the next morning accompanied by a feeling that had become alien to her since she'd started sleeping in Kenny's bed. Warmth, in what had to have been utter defiance toward some law of nature, Kenny's usually freezing room had felt exceptionally warm.

"Wends?"

"Yeah Kenny?"

"What the fuck are ya doing in my room?" he asked.

"Just keeping your bed warm until you get back." she answered. Suddenly, she came to her senses and jerked her body around to face the bed's other occupant, "What are you doing here?! You're not supposed to be out until the end of the week!"

The boy shrugged, "Well they say death is the ultimate freedom."

"Who says that?"

"Immortals and suicidal people." the boy answered, "But enough about me, let's talk about the fact that you're apparently sleeping in my bed wearing nothing but a pair of panties and my coat…" he said with a suggestive grin as he pulled her in close, "And how we can make it a regular occurance."

Wendy giggled "Save it loverboy. We've got plans today."

"Plans for what?" the boy questioned.

"Isn't it obvious?" she asked, "We're going to go pay Cartman a little visit."

** A/N: Miss me? I know I would. Anyway, welcome back to the Kendy fic that's probably not anyone's favorite but it updates often enough that ya stick around. And my oh my, this ol' chappy boy took a while to come out, wouldn't you say? Well, that's just because I spent a while getting your Christmas present ready! Which I certainly hope you'll all love when it comes out on December 25th and not a day before! Gotta be patient here people.**

** Anyway, let me know if this chapter sucked or ruled with a review, and I'll see you next time! (Whenever that is)**


	8. Christmas Special

Wendy shivered in the cold as she attempted to eat her salad, wishing she'd brought a heavier coat as she was assaulted by the brisk December air, "Ugh, why can't we just eat inside like normal people?!" she questioned.

"I'd love to." Kenny stated, "Where do you wanna sit? At my table with all my ex-friends who hate us both? Or would you prefer yours, with at least five girls I've banged in the past? Face it Wendy, we're outsiders, these are our people!" He expressed, gesturing toward Craig, Tweek, and the goth kids.

"AH! WHAT?! WE'RE THE OUTSIDERS?! SINCE WHEN?!" Tweek confusedly shouted, "I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HATE ME! WHAT IF THEY HATE ME SO MUCH THEY KILL ME?! THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!"

"Calm down Tweek, nobody hates us." his boyfriend assured.

"THEN WHY ARE WE SITTING OUT HERE WITH THE OUTSIDERS?!" he questioned.

"Because I don't feel like being in the middle of a rushed out critique of what's in the news this week." Craig answered, "Out here it's nice and boring, just how I like it."

"And freezing." Wendy added before Kenny rolled his eyes and unzipped his parka, "What are you- Hey wait!" she began to protest as her boyfriend picked her up, sitting her down in his lap before zipping his coat around the two of them.

"Better?" he asked.

The girl quickly got accustomed to her new seating conditions and relaxed into Kenny's chest, "Yeah, actually. Thanks." she said with a smile.

"No problem, just stay out of the left pocket." he instructed.

"Oh? I wouldn't happen to find my Christmas present in there, would I?"

"No, I'm not giving you my weed for Christmas. But I'll be happy to share it with you on New Years." the boy answered.

"So what did you get me anyway?" Wendy asked.

"A big box of mind your own fuckin' business it's a surprise." he answered with a kiss on the cheek.

Pete groaned in disgust, "Ugh, all you conformists are so annoying with your sappy '_Oh we're so in love_' bullshit, you know none of this matters right?! You're just gonna break up by the time you get out of high school anyway!"

"I take it you finally took my advice and asked out Red?" Kenny asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it." the goth boy said as he returned to his cigarette. A cigarette that he accidentally swallowed in surprise as the ground began to open up in front of them, fire escaping from the newly formed crack in the cement as a robed figure on a horse emerged from it.

"Oh hell no." Craig said before getting up and dragging his boyfriend inside.

"AH! WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENING?!" Tweek questioned.

Craig shrugged, "Don't know, don't care, don't want any part of it. We're eating in the library today." he said as the two of them disappeared into the school.

The figure extended a bony finger toward Kenny as he began to speak in a deep raspy voice, "Kenny McCormick, you have been summoned by-"

"Hey Death, haven't seen you much lately." the boy greeted, interrupting his old friend.

The deity's voice immediately changed from the dramatic rasp to a far more casual tone "Yeah, I noticed that. Like, I was kind of getting worried you were mad at me or something. What gives?"

"Nah dude, we're cool. I've just been staying out trouble lately… For the most part. Living longer, shit like that. Mostly thanks to this little beauty right here." he explained as he gestured toward his girlfriend, making her blush.

"Oh shit, good for you man." Death said before addressing Wendy, "Hey, always nice to meet someone early." he greeted, holding out his hand.

"Nice to meet you." The girl said with a smile as she began to reach out of Kenny's parka to shake it before he pulled it away.

"Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya, if ya touch me you die." he explained before reaching out again "Unless…"

"I uh… I think I'll pass, thanks." Wendy said.

"So what brings you by dude?" Kenny asked, "_Has my time finally come?_"

"Nah, not this week. I'm just up here to tell you that you're invited to Satan's Christmas party!" Death explained as he handed over an envelope, "We hope you can make it."

"Oh fuck yeah dude, I wouldn't miss it!" the boy proclaimed.

"Great, see ya there! I've gotta go drop by Jesus's place and tell him he's not invited… Again." he explained with what would probably be a roll of his eyes were he not a skeleton, "Later Kenny, Kenny's girlfriend, emo kids I'll probably be seeing soon."

The goth kids watched in awe as the Angel of Death rode away on his pale horse, turning their attention to Kenny once he was gone, "You're friends with the literal embodiment of death?" Firkle questioned.

"Yep."

"And Satan?" Henrietta added.

"Yep."

"You don't know Cthulhu, do you?" Michael asked.

Kenny paused as he considered his answer "Kinda."

"Woah." the goth kids all said in unison.

The boy opened his invitation to read it, "Dear Kenny, you are cordially invited to attend my big Christmas bash in Hell. I hope you can make it and bring your new girlfriend with you, I've been dying to finally meet her."

"Wow, I've never been to a Satanic Christmas party before… Wait, why is Satan throwing a Christmas party, isn't that a little counter-intuitive?" Wendy questioned.

Kenny shook his head, "Nah, that's the beauty of it. See, every year Jesus throws a party on his birthday, anyone's allowed to come but it's usually a pretty small quiet get together. So like a thousand years ago Satan decided to throw his own party and it was like, the bestest party of all time! So now he does it every year JUST so he can tell Jesus he's not invited." he explained.

"That… Seems kind of petty." the girl pointed out.

"Well, it's Satan. The dude kind of invented the concept of holding a grudge." her boyfriend pointed out before looking back at the invitation, "I've gotta get him a gift, we should go to the mall before school gets out."

"What? We can't just cut out of school to go to the mall!" Wendy scolded.

"Why not? I do it all the time and I don't even have the grades to excuse it." Kenny pointed out.

"Has it occurred to you that those two things may be linked in some way?" his girlfriend questioned.

The boy thought about it for a moment, "Not really. Besides it's the last day before winter break, we're probably not gonna miss anything important anyway, plus…" he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her up with him as he stood to his feet, her legs dangling thanks to Kenny's taller stature, "You don't have a choice!" he informed as he carried her to his truck.

"HEY WAIT! STOP! AT LEAST LET ME GET MY BOOKS FROM MY LOCKER! KENNY!"

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"Sir, I'm not sure I understand what you're asking me." the mall employee expressed in confusion.

"What's not to get?" Kenny questioned, "It's a simple yes or no question, do you have this in a size that would fit an eight foot demonic entity with biceps the size of watermelons?" he asked again as he held up a T-shirt that said 'Party Slut' on it.

The poor woman was at a loss, "M-Maybe a XXXL?"

The teenager thought about it for a moment, "Well, he is pretty into tight clothes… Yeah, that'll work. Thanks!" he said with a grin.

The employee sighed, "Happy I could help." she said as she walked away muttering something about hating the holidays.

Kenny collected his friend's Christmas gift and made his way through the store to find his girlfriend. He found Wendy admiring a nice purple winter coat, "That'd look really good on you." he noted, taking her by surprise as he snuck up on her.

"Thanks." she said with a smile, "Maybe I'll get it once I've saved up enough money."

Her boyfriend shook his head, "Seriously? By the time you get enough tips from Benny's and take out what we spend to feed Whiskey, it's gonna be summer by the time you've got enough." he explained as he pulled the chain on his belt loop, taking out his wallet and counting out the hundred-fifty dollars he'd need to afford the coat.

"Where did you get all that money?!" the girl questioned in disbelief.

"My new job." he answered.

"What? You started looking for work a week ago! How have you already made so much?!" Wendy questioned further, "Kenny… Are you selling drugs?"

"Nah… Unless you changed your mind about what I said?" he inquired.

The girl sighed, "For the last time, I don't want to hang out at nightclubs and house parties selling weed with you, not in this life anyway."

"Bummer." the boy lamented.

"So, where's the money coming from?" Wendy pressed.

"Well…"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEP RIGHT UP TO SEE THE MAN WHO'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A DOLLAR WITH NO REGARD FOR HIS OWN SAFETY!" Cartman announced through a bullhorn as a crowd began to gather around him, "HE'LL EAT ANYTHING FROM LIVE BUGS TO DIRTY HIPPIE SNATCH! THE ONE, THE ONLY, KRAZY KENNY!"

The people erupted into a cheer as Kenny revealed himself from behind a shoddily constructed curtain, "Who wants to see me drink this?" he asked, holding up a bottle of motor oil.

The crowd went wild as Cartman collected their money.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Ya know what, let's just pretend I'm selling drugs." Kenny dismissed.

Wendy suspiciously eyed her boyfriend, "You know I'm going to find out eventually, right?"

"Oh definitely." he agreed as he grabbed the purple coat off the rack, "This isn't your Christmas present by the way, I've got something way better planned for that."

"Come on, at least give me a hint on what it is." the girl practically begged.

"Just a hint?" he asked, Wendy nodded, "Alright, I cut a hole in a box about two inches in diameter and I plan on sticking something in it. Now, it's not candy, but don't let that stop you from sucking on it." Kenny answered with a suggestive grin.

"You're disgusting." Wendy said with a roll of her eyes.

"And you're gorgeous, but you're still gonna have to wait until the 25th to find out what I actually got you." the boy countered, "Come on, surprises are fun! Why do you think I haven't asked what you got me? I mean, I already know I'm gonna love it so I've got no problem waiting." he assured with a grin.

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"I don't have the slightest fucking clue on what to get him, Bebe." Wendy lamented to her friend.

"Oh come on, it can't be that hard." the other girl reasoned, "I mean, you never had a problem getting something for Stan, right?"

"Stan was easy to shop for, I always just got him a new video game or something and he was happy!"

"So get Kenny a new video game, problem solved!" Bebe suggested.

"I thought about that, but guess who sold his Xbox three years ago to buy a gaming PC. Did you know you can't buy physical game disks for computers anymore? It's all digital now! Gabe Newell is a fucking asshole!" Wendy ranted

"Who's Gabe Newell?" Bebe questioned.

"He made that stupid online game shop everyone uses, so I'm blaming him for ruining Christmas!" she explained, "I swear it's all a big conspiracy, they made it impossible for girls to buy video games for their boyfriends so they could destroy their relationships, that way boys spend more time gaming so they can line the pockets of these dirtbag CEOs!"

"Wendy, chill the fuck out. I think you're reading way too much into this." Bebe reasoned.

Wendy took a deep breath, "Sorry, Kenny's been getting high and listening to those conspiracy podcasts and now he's got me into them." she explained with a sigh, "I just want to get him something nice to show how much I care about him. But what do you get for the guy who's cool with having almost literally nothing?"

Bebe rolled her eyes, "Think about it Wendy, Kenny's not a complicated guy. Think about what he loves more than anything else in the world."

"He already gets all the pot he needs from his brother. I don't even know how I'd-"

"No, not pot. What's the one thing he talks about almost nonstop?" the other girl specified.

"Music? I mean, I guess I could get him some new cassettes for his collection but-"

"SEX! HE'S A MASSIVE FUCKING PERVERT WHO'S WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO RIDE YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL SINCE THE DAY YOU FIRST MET! SUCK HIS DICK, MAKE HIM CUM! YOU'VE ALREADY GOT THE ONE THING HE WANTS, SO FUCKING GIVE IT TO HIM! HE. WANTS. TO. FUUUCK YOUUU!" Bebe screamed, furiously humping the air to further prove her point.

"STEVENS, TESTABURGER! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! WE'VE GOT CUSTOMERS!" the Benny's manager scolded, Bebe looked around the diner to find that everyone was staring at her, multiple parents covering their children's ears while several teenage boys watched in awe.

"Oh shit." she said before getting back to work, walking up to a table of teenage boys, "Welcome to Benny's, what can I get for you?" she asked.

"I think I love you." one of the boys said.

Bebe rolled her eyes "We'll see about that when I get my tip."

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Wendy sat in the passenger seat of Kenny's truck as he drove her home from work, stoned out of his mind listening to a guy on the radio scream about how the only thing he wanted for Christmas was for the government to stop killing babies and trapping their souls in vape cartridges, "Fuckin' government." Kenny said with an amused grin.

But Wendy wasn't all that concerned with the rambling nut on the radio, nor did she pay any mind to the fact that her boyfriend was currently waiting for a stop sign to turn green. No, she had other things on her mind, 'Bebe did make a good point. But we're still trying to take things slow. It's already been over a month, but is that really enough time to take such a big step? Stan and I dated for eight years and we never-'

**BEEEEP **was the sound that broke Wendy's train of thought, she turned her head to see a line of cars held up behind her boyfriend's truck, "Oh shit, my bad." he apologized before finally driving past the stop sign.

"Kenny, you're serious about this, right?" she questioned.

"What? Hell no." he answered to Wendy's horror, "I mean, this guy's fun to listen to and all, but a lot of the shit he says is way too out there."

The girl breathed a sigh of relief before turning off the radio, "No, I mean about us. This isn't just another one of your flings, right?"

Kenny shook his head "Nah dude, I freakin' love you." he expressed, "Wait, shit. Is it still too soon to say that? Fuck, I'm sorry."

"No!" the girl assured all to eagerly, "I mean, maybe a little, but it's fine."

"Like, what I mean is I'm like super serial about this shit, ya know? Like, pretty much every relationship I've ever been in's been nothing but a month of nonstop banging before we just stop talking to each other. But like, with you it's been… Weird, good weird though. I mean, we hang out all the time and we haven't screwed once, I just really like being with you, it's like… More emotional, ya feel me?"

She did, sure he was completely stoned at the moment, but it felt honest, rambly as all hell, but honest. But… there was still that hint of worry, "You're not just saying that to get into my pants, right?" she asked.

The boy shook his head, "Nah, if I wanted to get in your pants I'd just use the one pickup line no woman can resist." he explained before clearing his throat, "Baby, I might not be a meteorologist but I'm willing to bet you're getting at least three inches tonight."

"_Holy shit, have sex with me right now_." Wendy sarcastically requested.

"OH FUCK, REALLY?!" Kenny asked as he nearly flew off the side of the road to pull over and undo his belt.

"NO, NOT REALLY! KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!" the girl commanded. Kenny pouted at the tease which made Wendy laugh a little before sighing, "But since you're serious… I want you to meet my parents." she requested, "We can do it on Christmas when you pick me up for the party if you want."

Kenny's eyes widened in surprise, "I mean, fuck yeah, I'd love to!"

"Great!" she said as she opened the door, "I can walk home from here." Wendy kissed her boyfriend goodbye, "Later handsome!"

"Later angel." Kenny returned as she exited the truck and shut the door, the boy sighed "Nothing I hate more than seeing her go." he mused to himself as he stared at her ass, "Watching her leave on the other hand…"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Christmas night had soon arrived. Kenny stood in front of the bathroom mirror, combing his normally messed up hair into what one might consider a… Notably less messed up style in an attempt to look his best for the night ahead of him.

In fact, with his hair under control and his nicest dress shirt on, he almost would've looked like a proper gentleman, an illusion that was broken by the GG Allin song he had blasting in the background, "_GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS, GIMME GIMME GIMME SOME HEAD! I LIKE THE NASTY THINGS THAT YA DO TO ME IN BED!_" he sang along.

"I can't believe you spent all that time classically training your voice just so you can sing along to this crap." he heard his sister say from the door frame.

"Karen, I don't have time to explain the intricacies of GG Allin to you." the boy stated.

"What intricacies? He sang shitty music about rape and murder, randomly got into fights for no reason, and threw his shit at people. I don't get it." she expressed

Kenny thought about it for a moment, "I mean, it sounds like you get it perfectly." he admitted as he held up a tie, "What do you think, too dressy?"

"Maybe if it wasn't a clip on." Karen expressed, "Hey, you think you've got time to give me a ride to Benny's before you pick up Wendy?"

"You meeting up with the goth kids?" the boy asked, his sister nodded, "Dude, perfect! I was actually gonna stop there anyway to give Bebe her present. Now I can just give them theirs too."

The younger girl shook her head, unsure if she misunderstood, "Who's them?" she questioned.

"Mike, Pete, Henrietta, and Firkle. Who else?" Kenny answered as he went to his room to gather their presents.

"Wait, what? Why are you giving presents to my friends?!"

The boy shrugged, "We've been hanging out lately, they're actually pretty cool once you get used to them."

"That's what I told you years ago!" Karen reminded, "What the hell Kenny?! You got so fucking pissed when I started hanging out with them, now you're buying them Christmas presents?!"

Kenny thought about what his sister was saying, "Yeah." he answered as he picked up one box wrapped in bright pink paper and four wrapped in black and carried them out to his truck, "You coming?"

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Kenny walked into Benny's diner with his sister by his side and a stack of boxes in his arms, "Where's my second favorite waitress at?" he questioned as Karen made her way to her friends' usual table.

Bebe had been refilling the goth kids' coffee when her best friend's boyfriend walked in, "Well look who it is, don't tell me you're blowing off Wendy to hang out with me." she said with a grin.

"Of course not! Bebe, you're a perfect 10, but Wendy's a 37. These are both on a scale of 5 by the way." he explained as he set the boxes down on a table.

The girl smiled, "Good, because if you did break my best friend's heart, I'd fucking kill ya." she expressed as she hugged him, "So what's up? Shouldn't you and Wendy be at some party right about now?"

"Not yet, I had to do some stuff beforehand, such as…" Kenny pulled out a brightly wrapped package, "Giving my pretty much sister-in-law her present."

Bebe's face lit up at the sight of the box, "You didn't!" she said before tearing into it, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, YOU DID!"

"Yeah, I saw the way you were eyeing those shoes last week." the boy recalled, "Merry Christmas Bebe."

"You wait right here!" she instructed before running into the back room.

As she ran off, Kenny turned to face the goth kids with a grin, "You guys…" he said before gathering the black boxes, "Don't think I forgot about you guys."

"You know we don't do Christmas, right?" Michael asked.

"Gonna be real Mike, I honestly don't give a shit what you guys do." the boy cheerily stated, "I don't care if you're Jewish, Islamic, or even a Jehovah's Witness. My friends get presents on Christmas."

Kenny handed the boxes off to their respective recipients, Henrietta shrugged and opened hers first, her face distorting into a look of… Actual emotion?! How unheard of! "Oh shit, Bauhaus! I fucking love Bauhaus!" she exclaimed.

"I figured you would." the boy stated, "You said you wanted to start collecting records, I figured any self-respecting goth should have at least one album from the band that started the whole movement."

"This is fucking amazing dude, thank you so much!" the girl expressed before realizing how out of character she was acting, "I mean… Thanks, I guess." she monotonously corrected.

Firkle was the next to open his box, "Oh wow, platform boots." the short goth noted, "I could actually use these. Thanks." he said with… A smile? No wait, it's still his regular bored expression… Oh shit wait, that's a smirk! Kenny had definitely gotten Firkle to smirk for a second!

"Nice, maybe now I won't have to bend my neck down so far when I talk to you." Karen teased.

"You may be taller than me, but our graves will both be six feet deep." he grimly pointed out.

Michael opened his package next, his eyes widening at the contents "The complete works of H.P. Lovecraft?"

"All the original versions too, not an N-word out of place." Kenny noted.

Finally, Pete opened his present and gave it a perplexed look, "A bible? Are you fucking serious?" he questioned.

"Open it up! See if Jesus has anything special to say." the boy said with a grin.

Pete opened the book to find his friend's handwriting on the first page, "Book of Kenny 4:20- when the conformists piss you off, chill the fuck out and light up." he read out loud, turning the page to find a bag of weed hidden in the hollowed out book, "Oh shit, no way." he said in a tone that… May indicate some form of excitement.

"Let me know when you run out, I'll hook you up." Kenny offered with a wink.

Once Kenny had finished handing out everyone's gifts and said his goodbyes, Bebe finally emerged from the diner's back room with a bright orange envelope in her hand, "Hold on, you're not leaving yet!" she exclaimed as she approached the boy and handed him the envelope, "Merry Christmas dude."

The teenager opened it to find a $50 Steam gift card, "Holy shit, fifty bucks?! Dude, you're my fucking hero!"

"Nothing but the best for my pretty much brother-in-law!" the girl said with a smile, "If you think that's good, just wait until you see what Wendy got you!"

"Oh? She got me something better than fifty bucks worth of video games?" Kenny questioned.

"Way better!"

"Can ya give me a hint?"

Bebe rolled her eyes, "You're sounding more like her every day." she noted, "I can't believe she's rubbed off on you so much already."

The boy chuckled, "So… No hint?"

"Not a chance." she stated, "Don't think too much about it, I promise, _whatever it is_, you're gonna love it." she assured with a grin.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Wendy nervously awaited her boyfriend's arrival. Her parents were pretty surprised when she told them she had broken up with Stan, they were even more surprised when she revealed that they'd been broken up for almost two months and in that time she'd started a completely new relationship.

Her father didn't take the news very well, he had actually really liked Stan, called him a "Nice boy who never overstepped his boundaries." or some crap like that, a simple description that managed to put her on edge. All Kenny does is overstep boundaries, or at least push them to their absolute limit, he was like the human equivalent of that one cartoon on Comedy Central about the four swearing kids (The name of which eludes me at the moment).

Let's put it this way, she and Stan had rarely gone far in terms of intimacy, every now and then they'd technically engage in what one might see as "making out" and at the time she herself had considered those rare occasions to be a tad risque… But then Kenny gave her something to compare it to. That boy's a fucking animal, and while she had managed to keep him out of her bra (For the most part) he's seemingly made a hobby out of seeing just how close he could get to that X-rating before she made him pull back, and she found herself letting him get closer and closer every time he did.

In fact, pretty much everything she and Kenny did together broke some kind of rule, her parents always said she couldn't have a pet, she and Kenny got a dog. Her parents always said not to stay out too late, just the other night she realized it was 2AM and she was still hanging out in her boyfriend's room. And while her parents had never asserted any specific rule against it, she was pretty sure they wouldn't be too happy to find out she'd been dressing up as a superhero to help her masked vigilante boyfriend patrol the town to beat the shit out of muggers and would-be rapists…

Ya know, it only just occurred to her, Wendy's dating kind of a bad boy, 'And dad's gonna fucking hate him. _Great_'. The girl looked out the window to see the familiar beat up green pickup truck finally pull into her driveway, "He's here." she announced to her parents as she got up to preemptively answer the door.

"Evening, beautiful." Kenny greeted with a grin.

He seemed more confident than she was at least, 'Who am I kidding, this guy confidently looks Death in the eye like an old friend and sits back with a cup of tea to gossip with the Devil himself, of course he's not scared to meet my parents!'

"So, mind if I come in?" he requested. It was at this point she took notice of his attire, clean black jeans and a nice dress shirt, he even combed his hair for the occasion. She felt her worries melt away when she remembered just who she was dealing with.

Kenny's a pothead, a pauper, a pervert, a poet (and a dirty one at that), but above all else he's an absolute master at the art of bullshitting. If anyone could convince her parents that she's dating a fine upstanding member of society, it's him. "Please do." she answered with a smile as she led him inside. "Mom, dad, this is my boyfriend Kenny." she introduced.

"Nice to meet you." he greeted as he reached out to shake Wendy's father's hand.

The man gave him a quizzical look, almost trying to decipher whether or not he'd seen the boy before, "Yeah, same to you." he returned, hesitantly shaking Kenny's hand.

Wendy's mother smiled at the boy in an attempt to make up for her husband's cold greeting, "So Kenny, maybe you could give me a straight answer because no matter how hard I try, I just can't get Wendy to tell me how you two got together." she explained.

Kenny opened his mouth to begin explaining before coming to a realization 'I forced myself on her as she watched me get impaled… Nope, there's just not a way I can possibly say that and not have it sound fucking horrifying.' he mentally decided, Wendy shot her boyfriend a worried look, he had to come up with something quick. Think, if this were a normal love story, how would he and Wendy have gotten together. Two words came to mind, "Soup kitchen." he said.

"I-I'm sorry?" Wendy's mother questioned.

"Two Thanksgivings ago at the soup kitchen, Wendy and I were both there, we started talking and we kind of became friends." he explained, it technically wasn't even a lie! They were both there, Wendy was volunteering and he was there with his family to pick up their dinner, and they had said hi to each other but those were just some extra details, extra details that did not need to be explained!

"Huh, so you're into volunteer work as well?" Mr. Testaburger questioned

"Absolutely!" he proclaimed, beating the shit out of criminals counts as volunteer work, right? "I actually do a lot of work with the homeless." he added, of course by work he meant drugs, but those were just more unnecessary details!

"Really, isn't that great? Our daughter's dating a regular humanitarian!" Wendy's mother said to her husband.

"Yeah, great." he doubtfully agreed, "So you two are going to a party tonight, what kind of party exactly?" the man asked.

"Oh it's this fun little get together my church does every year, it's got punch and cake and plenty of Jesus to go around!" Kenny half lied, there was definitely gonna be punch and cake, but there wasn't gonna be any Jesus where they were going. "Actually, if we don't get going now we're going to be late, mustn't keep the lord waiting!" he expressed, "It was nice meeting you both! Come on Wendy." he said as he practically dragged his girlfriend out the door.

Once they were gone, Mr. Testaburger scratched his head, "I've seen that boy somewhere before, I just know it." he stated out loud.

"Oh, you've probably just seen him around town somewhere." Mrs. Testaburger reasoned.

"Wait a minute…" he said, horrified by his sudden realization.

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"How much for him to eat this gum I stepped in?" Mr. Testaburger questioned, offering the offending object.

Cartman rubbed his chin in thought, "Fifty bucks?"

"Deal!" the man agreed as he handed the fat teenager the money and the gum.

Cartman smiled as he took the cash, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BY SPECIAL REQUEST, KRAZY KENNY WILL BE EATING A WAD OF CHEWED GUM, PROPERLY AGED ON THIS FINE GENTLEMAN'S SHOE!" he announced.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kenny and Wendy couldn't stop laughing as they replayed the scene in their heads, "_Mustn't keep the lord waiting_?" the girl teased.

"I know, right? I sounded like such a fucking tool!" he agreed, "Gimme some credit though, at least it worked."

Wendy nodded, "Yeah, that story about us at the soup kitchen was perfect!"

"What? You don't think I should've been honest about how we met?" the boy questioned.

"Oh yeah. _Mom, dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend.__ I __accidentally murdered him__ and after that we just clicked._" she joked. The two continued laughing for another minute before it died down.

They sat in silence as Wendy stared at her boyfriend, taking in his appearance before realizing something wasn't right. The girl leaned over and messed up his hair "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" he questioned.

"As cute as the innocent choir boy act is, I prefer your usual sexy burnout look. It suits you a lot better." she explained.

Kenny grinned "Sexy huh? Ya know Wendy, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to seduce me."

"_What can I say Kenny, keeping my clothes on around you has become the single greatest struggle of my life._" she said sarcastically before slapping away her boyfriend's hand which she had just noticed sliding up her inner thigh.

"You're such a fucking tease." the boy stated as he pulled into an empty parking lot and stopped the car.

Wendy watched as Kenny grabbed his parka from the middle of the seat and put it on, she then followed as he got out of the truck, "So, how do we get to Hell anyway?" she questioned.

"I find auto-erotic asphyxiation works pretty well." Kenny answered as he pulled a can of spray-paint out of his pocket and used it to draw a pentagram on the ground, "But tonight we're doing it the clean way.", the boy pulled out his invitation and a lighter, placing the paper down in the center of the pentagram and setting it on fire. The pair watched as the ground opened up in a red vortex, Kenny looked at his girlfriend with a smile as he offered her his hand.

She took it and gasped as he pulled her in close and dropped down into the portal. The slow fall into the depths of Hell was unlike anything Wendy had ever felt, she felt warm, not hot like she had imagined, but comfortably warm like she was laying by a campfire in her boyfriend's arms, and the way they were floating down felt like she was sinking into a pool of water, but she could breathe perfectly fine, inhaling the scent of fire and brimstone.

"Watch where you step when we land." Kenny warned, "A lot of people freak out when they get here and then they… Ya know."

"Gross."

"Yeah."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Kenny approached the gates of Hell with Wendy on his back and a smile on his face, "Welcome to my home away from home." he said.

"The path here didn't seem so bad." Wendy pointed out.

"That's because it's not." Kenny stated.

"But you said the road into Hell was treacherous and nobody knows it better than you." she reminded.

"Yeah, I just said that so I'd have an excuse to carry you." the boy said with a grin. Wendy rolled her eyes and got down from her boyfriend's back, "So, you ready for a Hell of a party?" he asked as he grabbed her hand.

"Why is every pun that comes out of your mouth worse than the last?" she questioned with a smile.

"Hey, that pun was fire and you know it."

"Stop!" Wendy begged as she held back her laughter, "Let's just go inside. You said this party was pretty hot, right?"

Kenny laughed "Dude, that was horrible. Nicely done!" he complimented as he led his girlfriend through the black gates where a pair of teenagers around their age sat at a table, checking tickets and making sure no unwanted visitors got in, "Damien, Pip, how's it going guys?"

"As per usual it is going absolutely dreadfully Kenneth, thank you for asking!" the cheerier of the two expressed in a British accent.

"Hello Kenny plus one, my father is expecting you." the darker one stated in a bored tone.

It took Wendy a moment to realize that she had actually met these two before, "Wait, Damien and Pip, you guys used to go to our elementary school didn't you?" she asked.

"Oh yes, so nice of you to remember Wendy, you were always so very kind to me." Pip said in appreciation.

She'd have to take his word for it, she'd honestly forgotten he even existed until just this moment, "So, you're dead now? How did that happen?"

"Crushed to death by a gargantuan mechanized pop singer in my final act of heroic bravery. Terribly painful, not a day goes by that I don't regret it." the boy explained.

"Yeah, the ol' smash and splat's a pretty rough way to go." Kenny sympathized, having been there many times in the past.

Pip laughed, "You know, it's rather funny Kenneth, I see you down here every once in a blue moon, yet you never seem to stay. I just find that interesting considering the fact that they made it very very clear to me that I was here for eternity!" the boy said, sounding increasingly annoyed with every word, "And now here you are with a beautiful living woman on your arm, going to Satan's exclusive party while I'm at the gate checking tickets!"

"Settle down Pip." Damien requested.

"NO I WILL NOT SETTLE DOWN! WHAT MAKES HIM SO SPECIAL THAT HE CAN COME AND GO AS HE PLEASES?! I DEMAND ANSWERS! I DEMAND JUSTI-" Pip's tirade was cut short when his mouth was magically replaced with a zipper.

"Kenny, I suppose it wouldn't be too much trouble for you to not tell my father about this little episode, would it?" Damien asked with an almost pleading look in his eyes.

The teenager thought about it for a moment, "Hmm, I don't know… Maybe if you-" he leaned forward to whisper something into Damien's ear.

The Antichrist gave a wicked grin at the suggestion, "My pleasure." he said, raising his hand.

Within a moment, Pip shot into the air like a rocket and exploded into a cloud of sparks, "That dude's annoying as shit but he makes for a damn good firework." Kenny mused as he, Wendy, and Damien watched the display.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Within the depths of Hell, a party like you've never seen raged on, loud rock music roared through the air as demons and lost souls came together in celebration, dancing, drinking, smoking (some because they were literally on fire), and overall enjoying the night of sin. Because that's what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown!

But while everyone else partied through the night, Satan sat with his head resting on his left hand as he sipped the drink in his right, bored out of his mind as he listened to Jeffery Dahmer talk his ear off about some weird cooking technique he wasn't really listening to, instead he glanced at the door every five seconds hoping Kenny and his new girlfriend would show up soon.

'And speak of the Devil.' the Prince of Darkness thought with a wide grin on his face when he saw his friend enter the party with a lovely young lady by his side, "Hey Jeffery, sorry to interrupt but I'm gonna go grab another drink." he excused himself as he abandoned the Milwaukee cannibal and rushed toward the door, "Kenny, finally! I was starting to worry you wouldn't show." he greeted.

"What, and miss the best party of the year? Hell no man!" the boy expressed as he reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a brightly wrapped present, "Merry Christmas Satan!" he said with a smile.

Satan happily took the package, "Aw, you didn't have to get me anything, thank you so much!"

Kenny shrugged "No problem dude. It's your mortal enemy's birthday after all."

"I got you something too, I'll give it to you when you leave." the Devil turned his attention to his friend's girlfriend, "So, this is the amazing beautiful girl that you've told me so much about? The one you've been hopelessly in love with since preschool?" he questioned with an evil grin.

The girl blushed at the description and Kenny rubbed his neck with an awkward laugh, "Yeah, that's her." he confirmed "And I kinda told you all that in confidence." he added through his teeth

"I'm Wendy, nice to meet you." she greeted, holding out her hand.

Satan smiled and shook her hand, "Lord Satan, Prince of Darkness" he introduced.

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About an hour had passed since Wendy had been introduced to the ruler of Hell, once they had become acquainted, Wendy offered to grab a few drinks from the bar, leaving Kenny and Satan alone to talk, "So, what do you think? Can I pick 'em or what?" the boy asked with a grin.

Satan chuckled, "I've gotta say, she's just as smart and charming as you said. I'm glad you took my advice."

Kenny smiled, "Yeah, me too. Like, even with all the trouble it caused with Stan and the guys, I wouldn't trade her for anything." he mused, "What can I say, she makes me happy, like genuinely happy."

"Well I'm glad." the Devil said with a smile

"So how are things going with Tyler?" Kenny asked.

The Prince of Darkness sighed, "I don't even know at this point. Like, I thought he was the one but I'm starting to feel like he only likes me for my body."

"Dude, that sucks." the boy sympathized.

The Devil sighed, "Yeah."

Kenny patted his friend on the shoulder in a comforting gesture. It was at this point his girlfriend returned with their drinks and an older woman that Kenny would've absolutely described as a GILF before he was spoken for, 'I'm such a fucking weirdo.' he thought to himself.

"Kenny, you'll never guess who I ran into!" the girl excitedly said.

"Was it your grandmother?" he guessed.

Wendy gave a small pout, "Okay fine, you guessed it." she confirmed in defeat.

The older woman stared Kenny down for a few moments before giving a grin, "Let me guess, you're a party guy." she assumed, the boy thought about it for a moment and nodded "Something tells me my son in law doesn't like you." she added

Kenny shrugged, "Plenty of people don't. It's not that big a deal to me anymore." he expressed.

She nodded in approval, "That's a good attitude to have. He's a loser anyway."

"Grandma!" Wendy scolded.

"What? You know I'm right!" her grandmother stated, "That jackass spends all his time at that stupid job of his, barely spends any time with the one thing of worth he's brought into this world, and then he's got the balls to judge this young man? That sounds a lot like a loser to me." she explained.

The boy had to hold back a laugh, "Dude, your granny's cool as shit!"

"Damn right I am." the woman agreed, "And let me tell ya something, I already like this one a lot more than that other kid you brought home back when I was alive. Told ya it wouldn't work out with him."

Wendy nodded, "You were right, I'm sorry I got so mad at you for that."

"Hey, I'm just glad you know to stand up for yourself." granny expressed before turning to address Kenny, "She gets that from me ya know. Her parents are so afraid of conflict, it's disgusting."

"Well she's no stranger to conflict, that's for sure. Wendy, tell your grandma about the time you kicked the shit out of Cartman for making fun of cancer victims."

Wendy groaned, "That fucking asshole. He's lucky I didn't fucking kill him." she said.

The older woman smiled, "That's my girl." she stated, "I just wish I could've been there to see it."

Kenny gave a grin "Lucky for you, me and a couple other guys got it on film." he assured, "I'll get you a copy of what several critics called 'the most gratifying and well shot fight scene in cinematic history'." the boy promised with a wink.

The woman turned to address her granddaughter, "Wendy, if you don't marry this boy, I will."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

As the night went on and the drinks kept flowing, Kenny and Wendy found themselves slow dancing in the middle of the Devil's hall, smiling as they stared into each others eyes in a lackadaisical haze, "You know not a day's gone by since I knocked you off those bleachers that hasn't felt like a dream?" the girl admitted?

"I know, right?" Kenny agreed, "Like, I keep thinking to myself 'This couldn't possibly happen in real life' but like, it just keeps going."

"Exactly." she agreed.

The boy stared at his girlfriend for a minute before speaking again, "Would it break our agreement to take things slow if I told you I loved you?" he questioned.

Wendy thought about it for a moment, "Does it matter? You've already said it three times at this point." she pointed out.

"Yeah, but that was mainly me being overly dramatic… Or stoned out of my brain." he pointed out.

She chuckled, "Maybe it's still just a little too soon. But we're getting there."

"So it's definitely too soon for me to propose?"

The girl laughed, "Quit joking around like that!"

Kenny grinned, 'The real funny thing is that you think I'm joking.' he thought to himself. The boy looked down at his watch, "It's getting kinda late, you wanna say goodbye to Granny and Satan so we can head back to my place?"

"I like how you've only known her for a night and you've already adopted my grandma." Wendy pointed out.

"Well I'm not gonna call her by her first name, that'd be weird."

"Weirder than you calling her granny?"

"Tell ya what, when you meet my grandparents you can call them whatever you want." Kenny offered, "Of course, my mom's parents disowned her and my dad's mother left him as a kid. But I'm sure Old Man McCormick will love to meet you if he ever comes back from his dementia-fueled walk in the desert." he explained with a grin.

Wendy shook her head "Can you tell me about a single aspect of your life that isn't awful?"

"The time I spend with you." he answered with a wink. "Come on, let's get going. I still wanna give you your present before midnight."

The pair began to make their way back to their table when they heard a voice speak from behind them, "Keanu?"

Kenny's face tensed up in frustration 'Shit, what's he doing here?!' he wondered before turning around to greet the man, "Heeey Jesus… Happy birthday!"

"Thank you, but what are you doing here?" the son of God questioned.

"He's here because he was invited." the irate voice of Satan butted in, gaining everyone's attention "The real question is what are you doing here?"

Jesus gave his mortal enemy a confused look "What do you mean? Death came by my house the other day and said you wanted me to come." he calmly explained.

"He did WHAT?!" Satan yelled in anger as the Angel of Death entered the scene.

"Yeah, that's right, I told him to stop by." he nonchalantly admitted.

"Why the hell would you do something like that?!" Satan demanded.

"Because I'm sick of going to his house every year just to tell him he's not allowed at his own birthday party! It was funny the first few times but this joke is literally a thousand years old! At this point you're just being a dick for no reason." Death explained.

"Maybe I should go." Jesus awkwardly said as he walked toward the exit.

"Wait. No, Death is right." Satan admitted, "Just because we're mortal enemies doesn't mean we need to be at constant odds with each other."

"I think it kinda does." Kenny pointed out from the sidelines.

"Quiet, I think he might actually be learning a lesson." Death silenced

"I guess I can be nice for just one night of the year." the Prince of Darkness relented, "Why don't you hang out for a while, enjoy the party, maybe we can catch up over a few drinks." he offered.

Jesus smiled, "I'd like that. Does the bar happen to serve water?"

Satan rolled his eyes, "You know it doesn't. Just skip the bullshit and get some damn wine! If I can be nice for a night then you can go a night without being such a fucking showoff!"

Kenny, Wendy, and Death watched as the two walked away, "I can't believe that actually fucking worked." Death admitted.

As he and his girlfriend made their way to the exit, Kenny couldn't help but wonder if maybe Death could help fix things up between him and Stan.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Wendy sat cross legged on her boyfriend's bed with a small box in her hands, contemplating whether or not she was seriously ready to give it to him. "Here, since you've been so patient, you can open yours first." Kenny said as he handed over her present.

The girl took the box that she'd been waiting so long to see the contents of, she quickly but carefully tore open the wrapping paper, her eyes widening in awe once it was finally revealed. Within the box was a heart-shaped picture frame, in it was a photo that she recognized from her second volleyball match of the season, Kenny was in his makeshift cheerleader outfit holding her up off the ground in a tight embrace after their victory. In addition, the frame also housed what she recognized as a set of pictures they'd had taken in a photo booth on their very first date.

"So, worth the wait?" her boyfriend asked with a smug grin. Honestly, he'd been just as impatient as she was to finally give her her present, he couldn't wait to see the look on her face when she opened it, and man was it ever worth it.

"Kenny I…" she couldn't find the words to express how she felt, this had to be the most thoughtful thing anyone had given her in her entire life, how the hell could she possibly… Wendy looked down at the small box in her lap. Picking it up, she handed it to her boyfriend, "Merry Christmas Kenny."

The boy took the box with a smile, opening the wrapping paper to reveal a small velvet box like the kind jewelry comes in. Curiously, Kenny opened the box to reveal… "A rubber?" he questioned, not entirely sure how to react, but his mothers voice rang out in his head telling him to 'show some fuckin' appreciation!' "I mean, a rubber! For my… Collection! How'd ya know?"

Wendy shook her head and laughed, "The condom's not your gift. But I can't exactly wrap my virginity up and hand it to you."

Kenny tried to wrap his head around what his girlfriend was saying "Your virgi- Wait… Are you telling me…"

She nodded, "Yeah. I wanted to give you something special, and I had a feeling that would be just what you wanted."

The boy couldn't believe what he was hearing, "What about taking it slow?" he questioned, 'DON'T TRY TO TALK HER OUT OF IT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!' the sex crazed deviant within him scolded.

"We can take it slow. We can take all night if you want." Wendy assured with a suggestive grin that wouldn't look out of place on her boyfriend.

Now Kenny was speechless, he could've sworn he felt a tear in his eye as the gravity of his current situation sank in. His entire body was on overload, old school heavy metal songs ringing through his ears, the name Wendy McCormick repeating in his mind over and over again, he could've swore the blood from his head all shot into his dick so fast that it sounded like a NASCAR racetrack.

The boy couldn't even think of the words to describe his current state of euphoria, so he went with a sound instead, "Woo-hoo!"

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Kenny was by no means a virgin before Christmas night, his V-card was destroyed at the age of twelve when he and Kevin pooled together what little money they had to tag-team a prostitute who was doing a two-for-one sale. That said, he could honestly say that he had never really grasped the concept of "Making sweet sweet love" until he'd been with Wendy. She really did make it feel like the first time… I mean, not like his first time, like the first time of a normal well-adjusted human being.

As for the girl herself, Wendy could honestly say that losing her virginity to her boyfriend was the most incredible thing she'd ever experienced, on top of the hours of passion and intimacy they'd shared, the guy was an absolute fucking pro at pleasuring women, he knew the female form like the back of his hand and he rocked her world with the skill of someone with years of experience (Years of experience she tried her absolute best not to think about.)

The two of them were still riding the high they'd given each other days after it was over, both of them sitting in the back of Kenny's truck at the crack of dawn on January 1st to watch the sun come up. Granted, Kenny was always happy to ride several highs at once, "Are you seriously lighting up another joint?" the Wendy asked when she heard the click of his lighter.

"Yeah. Don't worry, it's my last one." he assured.

"You had a whole cigarette pack full of them when we left last night." Wendy reminded, "Are you sure you can drive us home?"

Kenny shrugged, "It's cool, I gave out like half of them at Bebe's party anyway."

"That's still a lot of weed!"

The boy started laughing, "Yeah, yeah it fuckin' is!". Wendy shoved her boyfriend in a playful manner, only for him to retaliate by picking her up and sitting her down in his lap. She laughed as he held her close and kissed her on the cheek and neck before burying his face in her new coat, "This thing warm enough for ya?" he questioned.

"It's perfect." she answered, "You gonna tell me how you payed for it?"

Kenny thought about it for a moment, "I'm doing the Krazy Kenny thing again." he finally admitted.

Wendy's face contorted into a look of displeasure, "That stupid circus act you used to do where you'd eat weird things for money?" Kenny nodded into her shoulder, "I almost wish you were selling drugs."

"I'll be giving it up soon. The main reason I've been doing it was so I could get some quick cash for everyone's Christmas presents." he assured.

"Good. I hate the idea of you putting yourself in danger like that, just so some voyeuristic weirdos can get some cheap entertainment." Wendy stated.

"Your dad gave me fifty bucks to eat a piece of gum off his shoe." the boy revealed.

The girl's eyes widened in surprise, "Maybe grandma does make a few good points about him." she admitted.

Kenny chuckled before speaking again, "He totally recognized me, I just know it." he said with a sigh, "Something tells me your parents are gonna hate my guts."

Wendy nodded, "Yeah, they totally are." she agreed.

Kenny rolled his eyes, "Not exactly the reassurance I was hoping for but I appreciate the honesty."

The girl laughed, "Get over it, you know I still love you." she expressed as she leaned in to kiss her boyfriend in the dim light of the year's first sunrise.

**A/N: ****All I want for Christmas is more Kendy fics… Then again, that's also what I wanted for Halloween… And Thanksgiving… And every other day ever. Believe it or not, I really have read them all ****AND I NEED MY DAMN FIX!**

**I'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas ****or whatever the fuck it is that you celebrate****, and I hope you all liked this holiday special. Let me know if it sucked or ruled with a review.**


	9. Chapter 8

"**This is my cat. Would you like to know his name?"  
**_**\- H.P. Lovecraft **__**to a room of soon-to-be very uncomfortable house guests.**_

**C****hapter 8  
****In which you come to realize that playtime is officially over**

"The complete works of H.P. Lovecraft, all the original versions, not an N-word out of place." Michael quoted what he was told when Kenny first gifted him the tome, he laid it down for the whole group to see, "That is not what is in this book at all."

The rest of the goth kids leaned forward to look at it, "It says Necronomicon, what else would it be?" Henrietta questioned.

"Let me guess, it's just some shitty Lovecraft fanfiction by some creatively bereft weirdo?" Firkle suggested, hitting a little too close to home for your friend and humble narrator.

Michael scoffed "Try the actual fucking Necronomicon!"

"No way." Pete said.

"Way." the taller goth countered as he opened the book, "This thing's filled with spells and ancient prophecies."

Henrietta sighed, "It's a scam Michael. People just throw together a few mad ramblings, some random letters, and a bunch of bad tentacle monster sketches so they can trick edgy teenagers out of their money." she explained, pulling a book out of her purse with a pentagram and the word Necronomicon written on it, "See? Eight bucks at Barnes & Noble. And I know for a fact that the rest of you have one at home just like it."

Michael shook his head, "I thought so too at first, but this one's different. A lot of the stuff in here sounds exactly like what they used to say at those Cthulhu worship ceremonies we used to go to."

"I mean, there's one way to find out if it's real or not." Firkle pointed out.

"Yeah, let's just try one and see what happens. Worst case scenario, nothing happens and we can just have our usual horror movie night." Pete stated.

"I'm pretty sure that's not the worst case scenario when dealing with a book that might be the actual Necronomicon." Henrietta pointed out.

"So you're admitting it could be real." Michael said with a smirk.

"I'm admitting that, as totally goth as bringing the world into an age of darkness sounds, maybe we should prepare a little before we go all in on it." the girl reasoned.

"Nobody's saying we have to destroy the world on the first try. Let's just start with something small and work our way up to the apocalypse." Michael suggested as he flipped through the pages.

As Michael perused the tome, his bedroom door opened and the group was joined by its fifth member, "Hey guys, I've got American Werewolf in London." Karen greeted, brandishing the DVD in her hand.

"Change of plans." the tallest boy said as he stopped on a particular page, "Do you know what a homunculus is?"

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Wendy stood by the door to the boys' locker room, passing the time on her phone as she waited for her boyfriend to exit what was effectively a gas chamber of body odor and cheap deodorant.

To clarify, Kenny didn't play any sports, he had one hell of an arm but preferred to use it for more constructive activities, like throwing bottles at moving trains and jacking off (the latter of which he'd been doing noticeably less since he'd popped his girlfriend's cherry). No, the reason Kenny was in the locker room was because the town had finally stopped taking his dad's IOUs as bill payment and shut off their water, so naturally, the McCormick kids came up with the idea to use the school showers for all their personal hygiene until either their father got a job or Kenny could talk his new boss into paying him at least minimum wage.

As Wendy logged some time into that one mobile game that every youtuber's been getting sponsored by lately (You know the one), her attention had been grabbed by the fact that she was no longer alone, 'Oh fuck, it's not Tuesday, is it?' she thought before looking up from her phone to discover her apprehensions were correct. It was Tuesday, which meant Kyle had basketball practice, which in turn meant that Stan would be standing outside the very same locker room that she was to wait for his best friend.

Now, I can't begin to describe the awkwardness of being a teenager forced into any situation involving your ex, especially an ex with whom you had a pretty bad break up. Now, it's quite possible that you the reader know exactly what I mean from your own personal experience but if you're spending your Saturday night reading South Park fanfiction then I acknowledge the very real alternative possibility that human companionship isn't quite your specialty (Granted, I'm not one to talk by any means); So for those who might not comprehend the awkwardness of our heroine's current situation, let's just say it's a shitty experience, 0/10 wouldn't recommend.

On the contrary, having to awkwardly stand around with your ex in silence is practically a vacation when compared to the abysmally worse scenario: Having to awkwardly stand around with your ex while they try to force awkward conversation… I'll bet you're wondering which of the two scenarios this was going to be. "They turned off Kenny's water again?" Stan questioned. If you guessed awkward conversation then congrats! You win nothing.

"Yeah." Wendy answered, mostly focusing on her phone, hoping the conversation would end with this paragraph… No such luck.

"I guess that explains why he's working at my Uncle Jimbo's gun store now." he noted.

"_I guess so_." Wendy sarcastically stated.

"And you're working at the diner now, what's up with that?" the boy continued.

The girl rolled her eyes but did her best to remain civil, "I needed money, I got a job. Simple as that." she explained, wondering why her boyfriend was taking so damn long to get out of the shower.

Stan was quiet for a moment, giving Wendy a fleeting moment of optimism that this conversation had ended, but you guessed it, idle chit-chat reared its ugly head once again, "So I saw the news this morning." he stated out of nowhere.

Wendy was unsure why the hell her ex-boyfriend was trying so hard to carry on a conversation in the first place, but of all the ways he could have done it, this was an odd one 'Really? That's what he's going with?! THE NEWS?! What is he, a hundred years old now?!' she wondered to herself, doubting the possibility that she was about to be roused with an intriguing debate about current events, "Really? I must have missed it."

"_Yeah, apparently Mysterion and Call Girl busted this huge drug operation last night_." the boy explained like she didn't already know.

'Okay, so maybe he is going somewhere with this.' the girl thought to herself, "_Wow, really? That's crazy._" she said, feigning ignorance of the event.

"_Yeah, I thought it was pretty weird considering I once saw Mysterion drop acid and __rave to the sound of a washing machine for about three hours._" Stan recalled.

Let the record show that Wendy 100% believed that was something her boyfriend would totally do and she was honestly a little bummed out that she wasn't around to see it, but true or not, she did not appreciate the accusatory tone in which this hilarious bit of information was presented, "Are you trying to say something?"

Stan gave an indignant shrug, "I'm just saying it's kind of fucked up that the town hero went to jail two months ago for, what were the charges again? Vandalism, assault and battery, threatening to murder a guy?"

The girl rolled her eyes, "I guess you're just going to completely ignore the fact that the 'guy' he threatened was Eric Cartman, right?"

"Oh what, so just because he's Cartman that means he deserves to get the shit kicked out of him?"

Wendy thought about it for a moment, "Yeah! He's a fucking asshole and you know it!"

As luck would have it, the asshole in question just happened to be walking by, "Afternoon, cunt. Hope your grandmother's titty cancer was hereditary." the fat bastard casually said.

"YOU WANNA GO FOR ROUND THREE, SHIT-STAIN?!" the girl threatened, and even she had to admit that Cartman was an impressively fast runner when he was fearing for his life.

Stan watched Cartman turn the corner and escape from sight before looking back at his ex-girlfriend, "Can I just ask one thing?"

Wendy shrugged, "Something tells me you're going to, regardless of what I think."

"Why Kenny?" the boy questioned, "Why would you of all people want to go out with the school pervert?"

"Because the school pervert, sadly enough, treats me with more genuine respect and adoration than my last boyfriend ever did." she answered without skipping a beat, "_Weird, it's almost like I have some kind of __strange __attraction to guys that actually care about me. How about that?_"

Stan rolled his eyes, "God, you're so sarcastic now, it's unbelievable." he noted, "And what do you mean I don't care about you? You know that's not true!"

"Oh yeah? What's Kyle's favorite movie?" Wendy asked.

"What's that have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the question."

"Fine." He relented, "Lord of the Rings."

"Good, what's his favorite band?"

"He's been pretty into rap lately. Drake, I guess."

"Alright, and what's his birthday?"

"May 26th." Stan answered without hesitation.

Wendy nodded, "Great. Now, replace Kyle with me, how many of those questions can you still answer?"

Stan paused for a moment in thought, "I mean, we haven't really talked that much lately."

"MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY HASN'T CHANGED SINCE WE BROKE UP, ASSHOLE!" the girl exploded.

The boy scoffed, "Whatever, like Kenny remembers every little detail about you with all the pot he smokes."

"You're pretty judgmental for someone who keeps a bottle of stolen booze in his underwear drawer."

"I already told you, if I don't take a shot every morning then everything in the world turns into shit!" he explained.

"And you seriously don't see how that makes you sound like an alcoholic?!" Wendy questioned.

Stan would've defended himself further had his opportunity to do so not been dismissed by the locker room door opening between the two. Kenny emerged from the room, seemingly in the middle of an argument of his own, "My parents' taxes paid for those showers, it's my right as an American to use them as I please!" he proclaimed.

"Your parents don't even pay taxes, dumbass!" Kyle's voice irritably pointed out from behind him.

"Watch it Broflovski, if the IRS takes us down then I'm taking you with me, we'll see how they feel about your dad's 'legitimate write-offs'." the boy threatened before noticing the presence of just the girl he wanted to see, "There's my angel!" he greeted, embracing his girlfriend in a kiss, "Happy birthday Wends."

Kyle rolled his eyes at the display while Stan let out a quiet utterance of the phrase "Shit, I knew it was sometime this month." under his breath so no one could here it.

Kenny turned to face the other pair of teenagers in present company, grinning at the unenthused looks he was getting from them, "Lemme guess, still not friends?"

"Absolutely not." Kyle nonchalantly stated.

The boy nodded, "Good to hear it! I was worried we might have started acting like adults for a minute, which would've sucked since I just bought a new skateboard." he explained.

"You have a truck, why do you need a skateboard?" Stan questioned.

"To be fuckin' radical, duh. Later lame-asses!" Kenny exclaimed, walking away with Wendy by his side.

"Did you seriously buy a skateboard?" she questioned once they were out of earshot.

"Yeah."

"What the hell?! We're supposed to be saving our money!" the girl reminded.

"Relax, it's a business investment." the boy explained.

"Business? What business?"

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"Dude, are we rolling yet?" Kenny asked from the top of a huge ramp he made out of scrap wood and the roof of his own house.

"We'll be rolling when I fucking tell you we're rolling!" Craig exclaimed as he focused his camera on the other teenager.

Kenny felt the roof shake below him when his sister opened the front door, "What the hell are you doing?!" she questioned.

"Go back inside Karen, we're making an energy drink commercial." the boy explained.

"I thought you said it was gonna be a fail video." Craig reminded.

"That's plan B."

Karen's attention was drawn back to the inside of the house, "Yeah?… Alright, I'll tell him." she said before turning to address her brother again, "Mom says she's not driving you to the hospital if you break your neck."

"Alright, we're in focus." Craig alerted, "Whenever your ready."

"Alright, everybody shut the fuck up on set!" Kenny shouted before looking into the camera, "THIS IS KRAZY KENNY FOR BANG ENERGY!" he shouted before riding down the ramp and successfully jumping his truck, waiting to be tossed a can of soda that would never come, "TWEEK, WHERE'S THE FUCKING-" he began to protest before landing right in front of the curb and flying off his board, face-first into a wooden fence.

"Oh my god! PLEASE DON'T DIE YOU BASTARD!" Karen exclaimed.

"Aaand cut." Craig said before turning off his camera, "Fail video it is." he monotonously stated before investigating why his boyfriend missed his cue.

When he looked to the spot that Tweek was supposed to be standing, Craig found that the boy was not at his post, instead he saw a pile of empty cans and the hyperactive blonde teenager shaking like a vibrator and pacing the street like a crackhead, "Pres- Pressure, too much, pres- blood, pressure, blood, blood, too much, pressure, pressure, WAY TOO MUCH BLOOD PRESSURE!" he screamed at the top of his lungs before collapsing to the ground.

"Oh fuck, TWEEK!" Craig exclaimed as he rushed to the boy's side, "WHY THE HELL DID I LET YOU GIVE HIM A BOX OF ENERGY DRINKS?!"

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"Wait… Did you… Did you kill Tweek?" Wendy asked her boyfriend in horror as they walked down the hall.

"Nah, he's fine." Kenny assured, "Look, there he is right now in his crocheting group." he pointed out, gesturing into a nearby classroom, "Hey Tweek!"

The blonde teenager calmly looked up to address the couple, "Hey Kenny, hey Wendy." he greeted with a smile, "How's it going?"

"Pretty good dude. You?"

"I'm feeling fantastic." Tweek proclaimed.

"Glad to hear it. Later!"

"Later guys." the boy calmly said before returning to his crochet.

"Feel better?" Kenny asked as he and Wendy walked away.

"No, actually, now I'm completely sure you killed him and replaced him with that weird towel guy that walks around town stoned out of his mind." the girl explained, "What the hell happened to him?"

The boy shrugged, "We took him to the hospital and the doctor prescribed him some kind of extreme downer pills. He's been chill as shit ever since."

The two made their way through the halls to Karen's locker where they found the younger girl rummaging through her things in search of something unknown to the two older teens, "Come on, where are you?!" she said in a hushed but panicked tone.

"Where's who?" Kenny asked.

She quickly slammed her locker shut and faced her older brother with an 'I'm totally hiding something but I don't want you or anyone else to know about it so please don't ask.' look, "No one! Nothing! Shut up!"

The boy shrugged, "Alright, cool. You ready to go home?"

Karen rapidly nodded, "Yeah, definitely, let's go!" she answered, storming past Kenny and Wendy toward the nearest exit.

Wendy turned to her boyfriend in concern, "You're just not gonna question that?"

"She's smart. If it's an emergency, she'll take care of it on her own." he answered, "Now, once it becomes a catastrophe, that's when she'll come to me for help."

Somewhat satisfied with Kenny's explanation, the pair made their way out to the parking lot to meet Karen at the truck.

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Throughout the day at South Park High, the halls would be busy with activity, students marching from class to class like rats trapped in a maze, many locked in idle conversation, others' attention locked securely on their phones or other such idle distractions, and maybe, just maybe, a very rare and cryptid few may have had just a single moment of quiet, where all was still enough to hear the rats in the walls.

Whether this student did or did not exist is up to debate, but the day was over, the halls were clear, and the school was quiet. Finally quiet enough for any student or janitor to hear a clatter in the air vents, the sound of someone or something scurrying from this wall to that ceiling at a seemingly inhuman pace. Of course, now that one theoretically could hear it, there was no one around.

It brings to mind that old saying, if a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound? Now, I'm not here to answer philosophical questions such as these (Of course it does, don't be stupid.) but perhaps I can pose a new question: If a classroom full of teenagers are violently slaughtered and no one is around to hear them scream, are they any less dead?

The answer is no. No they are not.

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The night was all planned out, after factoring in expenses and Craig's cut of the profit, Kenny had more than enough cash left over from his stupid viral video stunt to not only buy Wendy a necklace she'd had her eye on for a while, but also take her to her favorite restaurant and see a new indie flick they'd both been wanting to check out.

Granted, the movie sucked donkey cock. It was one of those flicks made by some amateur director who thought he was gonna revolutionize cinema as we know it with his poorly written melodramatic screenplay. It didn't do much to ruin their evening though, funny thing about bad movies, they can be even more fun than decent films when you've got the right person to make fun of them with. The pair had gotten each other laughing so hard at one point that they were nearly kicked out of the theater. Of course, the pot brownie they split about fifteen minutes in probably helped immensely with keeping them entertained.

"You really know how to show a girl a good time." Wendy complimented as they walked out of the theater, her boyfriend's arm wrapped securely around her waist.

"Yeah, I'm pretty great, aren't I?" Kenny agreed, earning a playful shove before the two sat down on a nearby bench.

"You know you just made planning for your birthday really hard on me, right?" the girl pointed out, leaning on his shoulder, "Any suggestions?"

Kenny grinned, "Have you ever heard the term 'tantric sex' before?"

"Is that really all you ever think about?"

The boy shook his head, "No, just ten minutes ago in the theater I was thinking about how cool it would be if we got high and watched Mallrats together." he answered.

Wendy nodded, "Okay, so March 22nd is going to be dedicated to weed, movies made by people on weed, and eight straight hours of sex. Noted."

"3/22's gonna make 4/20 look like 12/23." Kenny proclaimed with a grin.

"What's 12/23?"

"Joseph Smith's birthday."

"Who the hell is Joseph Smith?"

"Aw man, do I have a Broadway musical to show you." the boy said with an even wider grin.

The pair's conversation probably would've continued for hours as had become something of a tradition between the two, but they found themselves interrupted by the sirens of about seven ambulances and three police cars speeding right past them, signifying that some shit had clearly just gone down at wherever it was they were headed, "It looks like they're going to the school." Wendy pointed out.

"Yeah, it does." Kenny agreed.

"What do you think's going on?" she questioned.

"Not sure." the boy admitted, "Wanna go check it out?"

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Officer Barbrady stood in the high school parking lot, a line of yellow tape being the only thing separating him from anyone curious enough to come check out the crime scene. Occasionally he'd be confronted with a civilian or two, a situation he'd easily defuse with his signature line "Move along, nothing to see here." which most people would accept in spite of the fact that seven ambulances being loaded up with motionless bodies would, in some sense, be quite the sight indeed.

Barbrady wasn't paying much mind to the situation at hand, his job being that of keeping an eye out for any civilians or news reporters who may be ambitious enough to investigate the crime scene themselves. The man was so invested in his assignment that he hadn't even noticed his commanding officer approach him. "Barbrady." Sergeant Yates called, gaining the officer's attention, "Any trouble so far?" he questioned.

"No sir, not yet." the cop answered, "Don't you worry sarge, if any looky-loos come around, I'll take care of 'em."

Within a moment, a woman rushed toward the two officers in a panic, "Officers, my daughter was in there tonight, is she alright, is she-" the woman was cut off mid-sentence by a blow to the back of her head from Barbrady's trusty baton.

"Like I said, taken care of." the cop reiterated.

"Good man, Barbrady." Yates complimented, "Just remember, no one needs to know what's going on here, the last thing we need is a big PR nightmare from the news and paranoid moms on Facebook."

As the two cops were talking, a trashy green pickup truck pulled up near them and two teenagers jumped out. Kenny and Wendy then rushed to approach the officers in concern, "Dude, what's going on, did someone get hurt?" Kenny asked.

"Oh yeah, seven kids from some gay-ass crochet club are dead, it was a total bloodbath." Barbrady informed.

"BARBRADY!" Yates scolded.

"What? I know these kids, we can trust 'em to keep quiet." the simpleton assured.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, TWEEK WAS IN THERE!" Kenny exclaimed in disbelief as he pulled out his phone, "I've gotta message his mom on Facebook!"

"I'm calling the news!" Wendy stated, doing the same.

Yates turned to his underling with a look of pure frustration, "Barbrady."

"Yeah sarge?"

"Go wait in the car."

"Aw rats." the cop said in a disappointed tone.

While this whole scene was going down, one corpse by the name of Tweek Tweak was being loaded into an ambulance as another teenager rushed down the sidewalk to find him, "TWEEK!" Craig screamed with more emotion than he'd ever uttered in his life.

Craig ran right through the police tape and past several cops to where the paramedics were loading his boyfriend into the ambulance, completely ignoring their advice and tearing the sheet off the the other teenager's body, horrified to see that his fears rang true.

The boy didn't cry as he was dragged away by the police, in fact, he showed even less emotion than he usually did, were he not blinking then one might even think he were as much of a lifeless husk as the ones being hauled off to the morgue. Craig just stood in silence as he watched the ambulances drive away. Stunned and emotionless, right up until he saw a certain shade of orange through the crowd of onlookers, and once he saw orange, he saw red.

Kenny had just finished messaging Tweek's mom when he was suddenly tackled to the ground, not even given the slightest bit of warning before his face was mercilessly pounded into the dirt, "YOU DID THIS! YOU BASTARDS KILLED HIM!" Craig shouted as he punched the ever loving shit out of the other teenager.

Once Wendy realized her boyfriend was doing his best Tina Turner impression (That's a domestic violence joke, for all you younger readers.) she quickly rushed to pull Craig off and hold him back, silently fuming over the fact that none of the many cops at the scene had bothered to do anything about it. "Craig, what the hell?!" the girl questioned.

"HE DID THIS! HIM, STAN, KYLE, AND CARTMAN!" the boy raged.

Kenny took a moment to regain his senses, nursing his newly bruised jaw and black eye, "Dude, I had nothing to do with this." he assured.

Craig wasn't having it though, "Yes you did. I know you did." he growled, "Every. Single. Time. EVERY TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THIS FUCKING TOWN, IT ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU FOUR!" he exclaimed. "I hate you, I hate you all so fucking much!" he said as the police finally escorted him away.

Wendy rushed to her injured boyfriend's side, "Are you okay?! Tell me what hurts!" she tended.

Kenny didn't answer though, he just watched as Craig was dragged away, "I didn't do anything this time."

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Kenny found himself in a town he couldn't name, surrounded by dilapidated buildings and houses that had long since fallen into disrepair, the smell of salt and an overall sense of dread in the air, the sound of the ocean providing what may be soothing ambiance in any other context. But Kenny wasn't paying much mind to the scenery or the ambiance, he was far too preoccupied with the fact that he was being torn to pieces by what appeared to be a mob of anthropomorphic fish people.

The boy endured the pain that, while not entirely alien, was excruciating nonetheless. Through the pain he finally saw something that stuck out to him, a sign in the distance with the word Innsmouth on it. What the word meant he had no idea, nor did he have time to dwell on it as he faded from the world of the living, a dark utterance of the word "Soon." echoing out in his head.

Kenny jolted awake in bed, sweat pouring down from his face. It always took Kenny a minute or two to figure out if he had been dreaming or if he'd once again been killed in real life. Checking the time, he noted that it was 2AM, had he died in real life he wouldn't have awoken until morning. "Just a dream." he affirmed.

But what a dream it was.


	10. Chapter 9

"**If you want blood, you've got it."  
_-Bon Scott_**

**Chapter 9**

**There are no happy endings, not even for those most deserving of them**

Wendy checked the time, wondering momentarily who the hell would be calling her at 2AM before realizing there was really only one person on the planet who it would be, and naturally that's who it was. "Kenny? It's the middle of the night, what's up?" she questioned.

"Not much." the boy answered from the other end of the phone, "Hey, can you go look out your window for me?" he requested.

Now, if she had been called up at 2:37 in the morning and asked to do such an odd task just a few months ago, she may have been quite understandably confused, but seeing as she and Kenny had been dating for around three months at this point, she had a pretty good feeling as to where this was going, "Are you hanging off the side of my house right now?" she asked, still rather groggy from being prematurely woken.

"You'll have to find out for yourself, keep in mind it's like five degrees out here and I'm losing both the feeling in my hands and my grip." he explained. The girl sighed before rushing to her bedroom window, opening her curtains to reveal her grinning boyfriend, his phone in one hand while the other held onto the edge of her roof as tightly as possible. "Be a babe and help me not freeze to death." he humbly requested.

Wendy opened her window and helped the boy inside, watching as he kicked off his shoes and collapsed on her bed with a relieved sigh, "Is there any particular reason you're breaking into my house in the middle of the night?" she questioned.

"It's not breaking in if you're invited."

"Which you weren't."

"Details details." the boy dismissed.

"Look, not that I don't totally love you and everything, but why are you here?" Wendy reiterated.

"I had a bad dream and I was hoping I could crawl in bed with you." he answered with a grin.

"Are you kidding?" she questioned.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" the boy countered.

"Most of the time, yes."

Kenny shrugged, "Fine, don't believe me. Just let me stay, I promise I'm house-trained." he half-joked half-begged.

"What if my parents catch you?" Wendy asked.

"Easy, I'll mesmerize them with some epic yo-yo tricks and escape while they're distracted." the boy explained as he pulled out a yo-yo and demonstrated, "I found a yo-yo on my way over here by the way. Look, it glows in the dark!"

The girl laughed and rolled her eyes, "As brilliant as that plan sounds…"

"Look, we'll go right to sleep, no dirty stuff, I'll set my alarm early and be out before they even wake up. Easy peasy monkey cheesy."

Wendy thought about it for a moment, "No dirty stuff?"

"I'm willing to negotiate that part if it doesn't work for you." the boy assured.

With a final sigh and a warm smile, the girl finally relented, "Fine, you can stay."

"Sweet!" Kenny celebrated before taking off his coat and hanging it on the post of his girlfriend's bed.

The two kissed each other goodnight and settled down under the covers, Kenny wrapping his arm around Wendy who immediately got accustomed to her far more comfortable new sleeping arrangements… Ya know, until she felt her boyfriend's hand wander into her pants, "No dirty stuff." she reminded.

"Sorry, thought you might've changed your mind."

"If I change my mind, I'll tell you." Wendy assured as Kenny removed his hand. A moment or two passed before she began to notice an empty feeling where it once was, "I changed my mind."

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If Kenny were to say he was the only one to sneak out of his house on that night it would be purely out of ignorance. That said, if Karen were to say the exact same thing then she'd simply be a liar, as she'd climbed out of her own bedroom window hours prior, making her way through about three neighborhoods before she'd finally found herself at Henrietta's house at around 12AM.

Bracing herself, the young girl knocked on the door. A moment passed before Henrietta's mother opened the door, "Oh hello Karen, good to see you!" the woman cheerily greeted, "Oh you kids, always with your doom and gloom, waiting for the most ungodly hours to hang out. Don't worry, I get it, there's no school for the next week because of those murders and you want to make the most of it!"

"Mom! Is that Karen?!" Henrietta shouted from the top of the stairs.

"Oh, yes dear, it's her!" Henrietta's mother answered.

"Well send her up!" the teenager implored.

"Okay dear!" the woman agreed, turning her attention back to the younger girl, "Go ahead dear, you probably don't want to spend the rest of the night chatting with old Mrs. Biggle." she said, gesturing for Karen to come inside. "Now would you kids like some cookies?"

"Go to hell, mom!" Henrietta shouted as Karen made her way upstairs.

"Alright, let me know if you change your mind. Have fun!" the woman implored.

"You should really be nicer to your mom." Karen stated once the older woman was out of hearing distance.

Henrietta sighed, "I know, I've been trying, she's just… So upbeat, I hate it!" she explained with a groan as they made their way into her room.

Karen prepared for the encounter that was about to take place, bracing herself once more as she entered the darkly colored room. "Finally, she's here." Pete noted with a sigh.

"You seriously fucked up with this one." Firkle accused.

"Hey, lay off, it was an honest mistake any of us could've made!" Henrietta defended.

"Right, before we start going crazy, just tell us what happened." Michael requested.

Karen took a deep breath before speaking, "First off, I know I fucked up." she admitted.

"Seven deaths is a pretty big fuck up." Firkle added.

"I know!" the girl agreed on the verge of tears.

"Firkle, shut the fuck up for now!" Henrietta demanded before addressing the younger girl, "It's okay, don't worry about that right now, just tell us how it happened." she implored.

Karen took a breath and continued to explain, "I know I wasn't supposed to take him outside, but I was afraid if I left him home he would get into a fight with my brother's dog or something, so I brought him to school and left him in my locker. I gave him a bowl of water and some pop-tarts to eat and went through my day, but then I came back, my locker was opened and Charlie was gone!"

"Did we ever agree on the name Charlie?" Pete questioned.

"I THINK WE'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN ITS FUCKING NAME, PETE!" Henrietta reminded.

"Right, sorry." the boy apologized.

"So, we're completely fucked, right?" Michael questioned, "I mean, it has all our collective DNA in it, so if the cops find it we're totally screwed. So, now what?"

"So we don't let them find it." Firkle stated, "We go in there, we kill it, and we get rid of it. Simple as that."

"What? We can't kill him!" Karen argued, "He's like our baby!"

"Our 'Baby' took seven lives and it's only gonna take more if it has the chance. Charlie needs to die." Michael explained.

"I'm in, let's kill a homunculous." Pete agreed, "But can we at least call him Jeffery? That's still a way better name than Charlie."

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The next morning at around 10AM, Bebe Stevens decided to make the most of her day off from school and hang out with Wendy. Bebe knocked on the front door of her best friend's house, more as a courtesy than anything else, in reality she'd been free to come and go as she pleased for years. The girl waited only a moment before she was answered by Wendy's mom, "Hi Mrs. Testaburger. Is Wendy home?" she politely asked.

"Hello Bebe, she's up in her room, I think she might still be asleep though." the woman explained.

"Not a problem." the girl stated before entering the house and making her way upstairs to the other girl's room. Upon intrusion, Bebe immediately noticed that the impossible claims had rung true and Wendy Testaburger appeared to be sleeping in, "Well well well, I never thought I'd see the day." she said to herself as she walked toward her friend's bed, "Wakey wake-" the girl pulled the blankets back to find that her best friend had apparently broken a promise they'd made in the second grade and had a sleepover without her.

"Fuck off Karen, it's like the middle of the night." Kenny half-unconsciously stated before burying his face in what may have been the softest pillow he'd ever laid his head on.

"Kenny, be nice." Wendy insisted.

"Nice Kenny only works from ten to ten. What time is it?" the boy questioned.

"10:15" Bebe answered.

"Make that twelve to twelve." Kenny corrected.

But while Kenny was fully content and prepared to sleep the rest of the day and maybe even the week if he had the opportunity, his girlfriend was just a little less eager to waste the day in bed, "It's that late?!" she questioned, jolting up in shock. The girl looked to her side to find that her boyfriend was still sleeping next to her in spite of his promise to be awake and gone before her parents had even woken up, "Why are you still here?! I thought you were going to set an alarm!" she reminded.

"I kind of have a habit of turning my alarm off in the morning. I'd probably never be in school if you didn't wake me up every day." the boy explained, half-asleep and still amazed that any bed could be so comfortable.

Wendy pushed her boyfriend out of bed, landing him face-first onto the ground, "AAAHH, MY DICK! I fell on my dick!" he lamented, gripping his crotch in pain, "It was hard too!"

The girl grabbed the phone off her nightstand to find out why her own alarm hadn't gone off, remembering that she unplugged it from its charger when she'd gotten an unexpected call the night prior, "And mine was dead. Great. Like my near-perfect attendance needed another tardy."

"I think they prefer the term mentally challenged." Kenny corrected as he made his way back to his feet.

"Shut up, I'm mad at you!" Wendy informed, "As if my parents weren't mad enough after they found that mixtape you made me."

"'Songs I'll Choke You Out To While Wrecking Your Uterus', my magnum opus." the boy recalled with a grin.

"Holy shit, what the hell was on it?!" Bebe asked.

"Love Shack. On repeat. For the whole tape." Wendy answered with a roll of her eyes.

"The greatest song ever written." Kenny added.

Wendy took a moment to gather her thoughts, "Okay, my mom should've just left for work, if we hurry we can still get to school before my attendance is ruined beyond repair." she explained, "You may have to call in and pretend to be my father."

"_Oh ho ho, oui oui, my daughter will be coming in late today, sivouplate?_." Kenny agreed in a bad accent.

"My father does not have a French accent and if you do one while impersonating him then I will castrate you." the girl warned.

"Fine, what do I know? I've only called in sick a thousand times since I was eight." the boy reminded with a shrug.

"Wait, you guys didn't hear?" Bebe asked, getting the pair's attention, "School's canceled for the rest of the week after the murders." she explained.

The other girl sighed in relief, "Thank god."

"Yeah, good to know Tweek didn't die in vain." Kenny noted.

Wendy's eyes widened in horror when she realized the implication of what she'd just said, "No, I didn't mean-" she began to defend. Maybe it was the fact that she had an immortal boyfriend who she'd watched die multiple times without consequence or maybe it was her assurance that Hell was a very real place and everyone goes there but it's cool because, as the late great Bon Scott once wrote, it ain't a bad place to be. Regardless of the why, it was becoming increasingly obvious to the girl that she'd become overly placid with the concept of death, and she wasn't entirely sure how she felt about that.

Kenny picked up his phone and checked his messages, "Speaking of the recently deceased, I just got a text from Craig."

"Aw, I almost forgot all about him." Bebe said, "How's he doing?"

"He said, 'I fucking hate you, I'd wish cancer on you but that's way better than you deserve. I'll text back when I think of something worse.'" the boy recited, "I'm gonna take a wild guess and say he's not taking it well." he added, he meant for it to be a joke, but the bit of hurt in his voice sort of killed his attempt to lighten the mood.

The room was quiet for a moment before Bebe spoke up, "So… Horrible tragedies aside, I take it you two had a good night?" she said with a grin.

"I was plagued with nightmares and nearly got hypothermia." Kenny answered.

"And I was woken up at 2AM because my boyfriend had a nightmare and walked three neighborhoods in the freezing cold to come sleep with me." Wendy added.

"But after I got here, I slept amazingly."

"Honestly, me too."

"Aw, that is so sweet!" Bebe gushed as she sat down on the bed, "You two are just so totally adorable, how you'll always go out of your ways for each other no matter what and I'm sitting in cum aren't I?" she questioned before jumping back to her feet, "Gross. Sweet and romantic, but gross."

Kenny's phone vibrated in his hand, "Oh good, Craig got back to me, 'Super-gonorrhea-aids-cancer of the dick, that's what you deserve.'" he read off, "Credit where it's due, that does sound like a pretty shitty way to go."

"Why is Craig mad at you anyway?" Bebe asked, "It's not like you killed Tweek… You didn't, right?"

"I was with Wendy all night, she can vouch for me." the boy assured, "Good luck telling that to him though, he's 100% convinced that everything bad that happens in this town has something to do with me, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman."

The girl thought about it for a moment, "I mean, I can see where he's coming from." she admitted.

"_Well shit, sorry for literally being the cause of everyone's problems, my bad, I'll try harder to stop existing._" Kenny sarcastically stated before lighting a cigarette.

"If you're going to do that in here then do it by the window!" Wendy ordered, to which he respectfully acquiesced.

"I'm not saying you're the direct source, but you've gotta admit, every time something weird happens you guys tend to be in the middle of it." Bebe expressed.

"The first time I ever hung out with you guys was when Kyle's brother was abducted by aliens." Wendy reminded.

"I'm pretty sure I remember you guys having something to do with that mech lizard bitch destroying the town that one time… And the time after that." the other girl added.

"There was the time Stan became a cult leader and got the whole town sued."

"Remember when Cartman tried to eradicate the Jews because of a movie he saw?"

"Alright, what is this, a fucking clip show?!" Kenny asked, "So maybe in the past we've had a tendency to get stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I had absolutely nothing to do with Tweek's murder! But will Craig listen? Hell no! Not like it matters anyway, even if he did believe me it still wouldn't bring Tweek back!"

"Maybe you can't bring him back, but maybe Craig would feel a little better if his boyfriend's killer was brought to justice." Bebe alluded, "_If only there was some kind of crime-fighting power-couple in town __we could __call__ to solve this __mystery__."_

Kenny and Wendy looked at each other in sudden realization.

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As the sun went down on that night, Stan, Cartman, and Butters gathered outside of Kyle's house, the fourth member joining them as well once they were all there, "Alright Cartman, we're all here. So are you gonna finally tell us what this _big genius plan is_?" Stan questioned.

"Yeah Cartman, let's hear it." Kyle implored.

"Well gentlemen, as we all know, our dear departed friend Tweek was murdered last night."

"And Heidi, Alex, Rebecca, Tammy, Allison, and Beth." Kyle reminded.

"And a bunch of other kids no one except Kyle actually cares about." Cartman corrected.

"Wasn't Heidi your girlfriend for a while?" Stan recalled.

"I don't know, I get mad puss all the time, you really expect me to remember one dead bitch?" the fat bastard questioned.

"Only when it's the only actual girl who, for some reason, ever showed you any kind of affection in the slightest." Kyle countered.

"Alright, so what about the murders?" Stan asked, getting back on topic.

"I'm glad you asked Stan." Cartman said, happy to get the attention off his non-existent love-life, "Today on the news they said the police were offering a reward to anyone who comes out with any details about the massacre."

"I don't like where this is going."

"Shut up, Kyle." the fat teen commanded, "So we go down to the school, break in, look for clues that the cops might've missed (and knowing the cops in this town it's a miracle they even found the crime scene), and cash in!" he explained.

"I-I don't know about this, Eric. Isn't that k-kinda scummy?" Butters interjected, "Besides, if my parents find out I broke into the school to investigate a murder, they'll ground me!"

"What could possibly be scummy about helping bring our friend's murderer to justice!?" Cartman argued.

"The part where we profit off of our friend's murder." Kyle monotonously stated.

The heavyset teen rolled his eyes, "Think about it this way, imagine we do go and investigate, and let's say we found some piece of damning evidence that brings this fucker to justice. Think about how those dead kids' families would feel. Craig might even stop sending us those creepy texts."

"Yeah, what's up with that anyway?" Stan questioned, "Did you guys get the one about Super-dick-cancer-aids?"

"Forget about Craig, he's an asshole anyway." Cartman brushed off, "So, you guys in or not?"

The boys thought about it for a moment, "I'm in." Kyle agreed, "But I'm only doing it for the families of the deceased."

"Yeah, we'll see about that when the reward money comes it, ya dirty fuckin' jew." Cartman mumbled to himself, "Stan? Butters?"

"Alright, I'm in too." Stan agreed.

"I still don't know about this, fellers." Butters trepidatiously stated.

"Alright, Butters is in." Cartman decided on the boy's behalf.

"Aw hamburgers." he cursed.

"Let's go catch a killer. Kyle, you're driving."

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The goth kids pulled into the school parking lot in Henrietta's mom's sedan, piling out after she illegally parked in two handicap spaces. "Alright so here's the plan, he likes Karen best, so she'll lure him out with the ham so Firkle can beat him over the head with a crowbar."

"What do Pete and I do?" Michael asked.

"Shut up and look pretty until it's time to drag a tiny corpse into the trunk." the girl stated.

As they approached the school, another car pulled up in front of them, Cartman and the gang piling out, "Alright here's the plan, if we find the killer we'll push Kyle forward so he kills him first, then Butters takes a picture while he's distracted."

"Aw jeez, I-I don't think I can bear to watch that, I'm squeamish!" Butters pointed out.

"Don't worry Butters because we're not sacrificing Kyle to a mass murderer!" Stan assured.

"Aww, come on guys, what if it's-" Cartman began, only to be cut off by a voice that was none of their own.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?!" Henrietta questioned, gaining the group's attention.

"Us? What are you doing here?" Stan questioned.

"The fat bitch and her black knights probably came to get the reward money for themselves!" Cartman hypothesized.

"Who do you think you're calling fat?!" the girl exclaimed, and she raised a great point. Unlike Cartman, Henrietta had actually lost a lot of weight over the years, making her surprisingly hot by conformist standards, her only real drawback being the fact that she was the local queen of the goths. Not that she cared what he or any other conformist pig thought of her, but she wasn't about to let some bloated worm talk shit on her.

Unfortunately, before the goth could jack up the kill count of the week to eight and rip Cartman's throat out, the town's resident vigilante team arrived at the scene, Mysterion carrying a bag of supplies and Call Girl holding a list that she read off of, "Bait?"

"Check." Mysterion affirmed.

"Cages?"

"Check."

"Bear spray."

"Checkerino."

"Please don't say things like 'checkerino' in that voice, it's unsettling." Call Girl requested.

"No promises."

"Alright, looks like we're ready, let's go set the traps." the girl said.

"What the fuck are you two doing here?!" Cartman interrogated.

Mysterion and Call Girl looked at each other and back at Cartman, "Our job." they both answered in unison before making their way to the front door, Mysterion laid down his bag of traps and got to work on picking the lock.

"What job? Rat extermination?" Stan questioned as he looked at the pair's supplies.

"Go home Stan, you guys clearly don't know what you're up against." Mysterion stated.

"Oh, and you assholes do?" Cartman challenged, "This is a massacre scene, not a possum infestation under your house!"

"Which only proves that you guys seriously don't know what you're up against." Call Girl noted, "Let me guess, you guys just got together ten minutes ago and decided to check out the crime scene for the reward money?" she assumed.

The boys tensed slightly at the accusation, "Y-yeah, so!?" Cartman argued.

"Well, Mysterion and I spent all day investigating the mortuary, examining the bodies, and reading the coroner's reports, and all signs point to the massacre being an animal attack."

The goth kids listened to the heroine as she explained, impressed with the effort they put into their investigation and concerned that the pair might get them all caught. Did you know cloning five people into an unstable deformed midget breaks international law even if it doesn't massacre a room full of teenagers? The goth kids knew that, and it became clear that they absolutely needed to find Charlie before Mysterion and Call Girl did. So naturally, while Mysterion was still picking the lock, Michael chose the much quicker option of picking up a rock and throwing it through a window, "Let's go." he said, leading his friends forward.

The other two groups watched as Firkle cleared away the loose shards of glass with his crowbar before the tallest goth helped him, Karen, Pete, and Henrietta into the building before climbing in himself.

Naturally, Cartman and the guys rushed to follow while Mysterion and Call Girl shook their heads in disbelief, "Amateurs." the boy remarked as he finally popped the lock and opened the door, "Ladies first." he insisted.

"_Wow, such a gentleman._" she teased, unaware that her boyfriend was just taking the opportunity to stare at her ass in that tight costume.

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As the goth kids walked through the barren halls of the school, they couldn't help but notice the unwanted company on their tails, "Will you assholes stop following us?!" Henrietta demanded.

"Why? So you guys can keep the reward money all for yourselves? Fat chance, bitch!" Cartman exclaimed.

"Can I make a suggestion?" Kyle asked, gaining the two groups' collective attention, "Clearly neither of us are going to trust the others alone, so why don't we all just split up into different groups?"

"_Jeepers Fred, you you really think that's a good idea?_" Henrietta sarcastically asked.

Kyle rolled his eyes and pulled a piece of paper out of his coat pocket, writing down Stan's, Cartman's, Butters', and his own name and ripping it into pieces, "Firkle, can I borrow your new top hat?" he requested.

"Because you're the first one to notice it, yes you may." the youngest goth agreed, handing it over.

Kyle dropped the names into the hat and handed it back, "Just pick a name and we'll all split up with whoever we get." he explained.

Firkle picked the first name, "Which one of you is Butters again?" he questioned.

Butters raised his hand, "Th-that'd be me, F-Firkle."

The younger boy sighed, "It was a losing game no matter what, I'm just glad I didn't get the lard ass."

"HEY!" Cartman protested.

Pete was the next to choose a name, "Kyle." he read aloud, relieved to have gotten the least objectionable member of the group.

Michael was next, "Please don't let me get the fat one." he said under his breath, pulling the last piece out with a sigh, "Stan."

"FUCK!" Henrietta shouted. With the groups decided, there was just a matter of what to do with the goths' fifth member, "Karen, I guess you'll have to come with-" the girl started, noticing the absence of the younger girl, "Where the fuck did Karen go?!"

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Mysterion and Call Girl had a similar idea as the others to split up and cover more ground, not before the boy gave her his revolver of course, ya know "Just in case.". Mysterion could die all he wanted, but Mysterion's girlfriend didn't have the same privilege.

Of course, depending on who you asked, Mysterion's girlfriend could be one of two people, and depending on how you look at it, Mysterion's girlfriend had just joined him in the classroom he was in, "That was quick." he noted, "You didn't forget some-" the boy turned around to find that he was joined, not by his partner in crime-fighting, but instead by the other woman in his life.

"It's been a while. Don't you know it's not nice to make your girlfriend worry?" Karen asked.

Ya know how Superman has Kryptonite? That one and only thing that can render him powerless? Well, Mysterion's Kryptonite came in the form of a teenage girl with a sex-drive matched only by her older brother. I know, there's worse weaknesses to have, but I think you can figure out why it's a problem here, and if you can't then you either haven't been paying attention or you're a man after my own porn history. "Karen, what are you doing here?" the superhero questioned in his deep gravelly voice.

"Aw, aren't you happy to see me?" she asked, slowly approaching her hero.

"I mean, yeah, of course I-"

"So what's the deal with you and Call Girl? I'm jealous." Karen stated. The boy found himself backed into a corner, or more specifically against a desk, his 'girlfriend' just a few inches from his face, "You were my first kiss you know." she reminded before wrapping her arms around his neck and recreating the moment.

Mysterion just stood there and let the girl stick her tongue in his mouth, taking his hood down before she pulled back and watching her facial expression change from one of lust to confusion. "We need to talk." Kenny stated.

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"So… Does-"

Michael cut Stan off before he even had a chance to ask the question on his mind, "Neither of them talk about you, ever. You greatly overestimate your significance in this world." he preemptively answered.

"Fuck dude. You could just say no." the other teen pointed out.

"I'm pretty sure your ex-girlfriend 'just said no' and it took you getting your ass kicked to get the message through." the goth reminded, "Your reliance on being in a relationship is gross by the way, every time you get dumped you lash out and act like a tool, you should really learn to be comfortable with yourself before you expect someone else to show you the same courtesy."

"What do you know, have you ever even had a girlfriend?" Stan questioned.

"I'm dating Shelly." Michael monotonously answered.

Stan's eyes widened in shock as he stopped walking "MY SISTER?!" he questioned.

"Yeah." the goth answered as he continued down the hall.

Stan rushed to catch up to the other teen, "How did I not know about this?!" he questioned.

"Clearly because she didn't feel the need to tell you." Michael stated, "Like I said, you greatly overestimate your significance in this world."

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Henrietta was surprised to find that Cartman wasn't nearly as annoying as she thought he'd be, in fact, she was even impressed with how much anyone could possibly surpass all expectations of just how annoying one person could be, holy fucking shit! "GOD! DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?!" the girl questioned.

"I just don't get it! What the fuck is so bad about your lives that you have to act so miserable and bitchy all the time?" Cartman asked.

"Well for one thing, I've got an annoying fat little tumor that won't stop talking my fucking ear off!" the girl answered.

"I'm not fat, I'm big boned!" the fat bastard corrected.

The girl rolled her eyes, "Holy shit, seriously? That's your excuse?!"

"Hey! It's not an excuse!" Cartman insisted, "I happen to have a rare genetic condition that makes me look fat, but for real I'm actually totally ripped."

Henrietta grabbed the boy's tit, "This is not a bone, you have boobs that conformist whores would kill for." she explained.

Cartman slapped the girl's hand away before speaking, "Touch me again and I'll make you eat your own parents!"

"Unless you eat them first, right?" she said with a smirk.

"You'd better watch your ass!" the boy warned.

"How about you watch it for me while I walk away." the girl stated before doing just that.

"Hey! Don't you walk away from me! I'm not done with you! GET BACK HERE YOU BITCH!"

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Call Girl shook her head as she set up a trap in the boys' locker room, eyeing the gun at her side every now and then with discomfort, "Why did I take this thing? I hate guns!" she said to herself.

Suddenly, she heard the door open and quickly grabbed the revolver, pointing it directly at the intruders with intent, "WOAH, WHAT THE FUCK WENDY?!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Seriously, what kind of superhero carries a gun?!" Pete added.

The girl lowered her weapon once she realized there was no threat, which is to say she could totally kick both these guys' asses without a weapon of any kind. "Ever heard of Deadpool?" she questioned, holstering the pistol in her tights before returning to her work.

"So… You haven't seen the… Animal, right?" Pete asked as the tension died down a little.

Call Girl shook her head, "Not yet."

The goth sighed in relief, luckily going unnoticed as Kyle continued the interrogation, "What about clues? Any insight of what this thing might be?" he asked.

"None that are plausible." she answered.

"What does that mean?" Pete nervously asked.

"It means the marks on the bodies aren't like anything you'd reasonably find in nature. From what we could piece together, the animal would have to be some kind of baboon with wolverine claws." she explained, shuddering as she recalled their investigation of the mortuary. Wendy wasn't squeamish by any means, but there was something about seeing Tweek's lifeless body lying cold on that metal table, his messy blonde hair stained with blood, she'd never really noticed it until he stopped shaking and twitching, but it was actually a bit horrifying just how much the dead boy looked like Kenny.

She'd watched her boyfriend die a number of times at this point, but it always came with the assurance that he'd return the morning after as though nothing had happened. It wasn't until she'd seen Tweek that she thought about how she might feel if Kenny didn't come back. She thought about how she felt when she first killed him, they weren't even dating at that point and just look at how sad and distraught she'd become until she finally learned the truth. Then there was her boyfriend's incarceration, where she'd practically had an extended nervous breakdown until he got out of jail.

What if, for whatever reason, Kenny didn't come back the next time he died? That was the question on Wendy's mind, and it wasn't a question she liked to think about.

"Maybe it's something from Mephesto's lab?" Kyle suggested.

"Huh?" the girl questioned before remembering what it was they were talking about, "Oh yeah, maybe." she said, trying to get her mind off the nagging thought she'd had ever since they'd left the morgue.

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"So, wh-what do ya think this thing is anyway?" Butters asked his assigned partner.

Firkle shrugged, "No idea." he lied, gripping his crowbar just in case they ran into the affront to God he helped create.

The two walked in silence, not much to talk about, but that certainly didn't stop Butters from trying, "Is your name really Firkle?" he randomly asked for lack of better small talk.

The younger teen hardly reacted, "Is your name really Butters?" he countered.

"Well, no. M-My name's Leopold, but Kenny once called me Butters in preschool and the name kinda stuck." he explained with a sort of nervous laugh, "I know it's kinda stupid, but I like it, it's kind of, what's that one word?"

"Unique?" Firkle assumed.

"Yeah, that's it!" the older teen affirmed, "I mean, with all the Leopolds in the world, I don't think I've ever met another Butters. It feels more special." he explained.

Firkle nodded, "I can respect that."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah." the boy restated, "My friends gave me my name too, and I like Firkle a hell of a lot better than Georgie."

"Aw, I think Georgie's a nice name." Butters said with a smile.

"I want to burn my parents alive for giving me it." Firkle stated.

The older boy gulped, "W-Well, I get a little steamed at my parents too sometimes." he revealed, "They're always yellin' at me and groundin' me for stuff I didn't do."

"So what do you do about it?"

"Huh? W-Well I usually just say I'm sorry and go to my room and think about what I did." Butters explained.

"Even if you didn't do anything?"

"W-Well yeah." the boy admitted, "What else am I supposed to do?"

"Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself." Firkle explained.

"I-I don't know about that, what if they ground me?" Butters asked.

"So what? If they're going to ground you anyway then what's the point in just taking it like a pussy? At least show you won't get fucked around without a fight." the younger boy explained, "When people know you'll let them take advantage of you then they will. It's like a law of nature."

"Well gee, I never really thought of it like that" Butters relented, more to get off the subject than anything, little did he realize their conversation would be cut off just a moment later with a rattle in the ceiling above them, "Did you hear that?" he asked.

Firkle did, but it didn't matter, he didn't have more than a slim two-second window to react before his illegitimate hellspawn dropped down from the ceiling, right on top of him, the boy didn't even have a second to think before he dropped his crowbar and screamed in pain as his eyes were being clawed out. "STOP! GET HIM OFF ME! HELP!" the boy screamed. One could very well say that it was the most emotion anyone had ever seen Firkle express, probably because it was. Strange, even someone as quietly monotonous as Firkle will beg for mercy in the face of death.

But Firkle didn't die. He certainly would've, but he didn't. Firkle would go on to live a while longer thanks to the sacrifice of the most unlikely hero he'd ever know, the most unlikely we'd ever know.

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"So how far were you gonna take it?" Karen asked, an amused smirk on her face as she interrogated her brother/ex-boyfriend.

"What do you mean?" Kenny asked.

"You know what I mean." the girl stated, her smirk widening by the second, "I know what I felt when we first kissed, and I know you felt it too."

Kenny gave a nervous laugh, "Oh yeah? And what's that?" he questioned.

"Your tongue in my mouth." the girl reminded.

The boy couldn't help but gulp in fear, "Don't be weird." he requested.

"Nah, let's be weird!" Karen insisted, "Let's say the week after we kissed never happened, let's say you never got together with Wendy, just how far were you gonna take your secret incestuous relationship with your little sister?" she questioned.

"I- No, you- It wasn't- I just-" Kenny attempted to argue, he was silenced long before he could get his thoughts together though.

"Don't worry, the cops don't need to know a thing." Karen assured, "I just wish you told me sooner, maybe we could've made it work." she said with a grin.

"R-really?" the boy asked, not really considering the question's implication.

"Ha! Perv! You were totally gonna fuck your little sister!" she accused with a laugh.

"No the fuck I wasn't!" Kenny stated (Lied? I'll let you be the judge of that), "You're such a bitch!"

"And don't you forget it." the girl stated, giving her brother one last kiss.

As Kenny began to realize the fact that his perversion just may reach a level beyond what even he'd expected, the two had been distracted by what sounded like two little girls screaming in fear. "That was Butters!" Kenny noted.

"That was Firkle!" Karen stated at the exact same time, and while she would always look up to Mysterion as her hero, he would never forget the fact that she was just as quick to run out and help as he was.

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Firkle wasn't around when Kenny and Karen showed up to the scene, Butters having told the boy to run away and save himself minutes earlier. The only thing Karen saw when she'd arrived was the homunculous she'd helped create, ripping, tearing, and chewing at the intestines and other such organs of a slaughtered teenager who could only gasp for air, his voice having already gave out from screaming in anguish. That and Firkle's crowbar, which she almost immediately grabbed and used to bludgeon the creature she herself had named until he was dead.

Kenny didn't spare a moment before he rushed to Butters' side, immediately trying his best to force the organs back into the boy's abdomen. "Holy shit dude, holy fucking shit." he gasped out in horror before glancing at his sister, "Get Wendy, get the guys, get the goths, get somebody! We need a fucking ambulance, now!" Karen nodded, holding back her vomit as she rushed to find someone with a phone, her own lying forgotten on her nightstand at home. The boy hardly took his attention away from Butters, "Stay with me dude, you're gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay!" he insisted.

Butters coughed out a bit of blood on his own shirt, "K-Kenny…" he said, trying his best to get the words out, "I-I d-don't think this ever happened on The Simpsons." the boy stated with a forced smile.

Kenny shook his head with a small grin, "Nah, I don't think so either." he said with a tear in his eye, "It's gonna be okay dude, you've made it through worse than this! Remember that time I accidentally threw a ninja star into your eye? What about the time I nearly got you killed by a convict?"

The other boy gave something between a laugh and a cough in response, "Nah, I don't think this one's gonna end with me comin' out of the hospital in a few days." he grimly stated. "I… I think… I think this is it."

"Bullshit, that's fucking bullshit! Shut the fuck up, you fucking melvin, you're gonna be fine!" Kenny assured his eyes tearing up as he spoke, "You've gotta be fine, dude."

The hall was near-silent for a moment, the only sound between the two being their own heavy breathing, "Kenny, remember when we went to Hawaii?" Butters asked, the boy nodded, "I saw some of the prettiest flowers there." he stated.

Kenny took a few deep breaths at this, doing his best to compose himself as he accepted the inevitable, "That's… That's great Butters. Just… Just think about the pretty flowers."

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Dear Satan-

In the next day or two you're gonna get a new soul, his name's Leopold Stotch but he answers to Butters. I need you to do me a favor and watch out for him, I've got a feeling he's gonna be really confused and scared, probably a lot more than you're used to.

Just take it from me when I say he'll end up being the best friend you've ever had and the brightest ray of sunshine your world has ever seen, at least he was for me. I just wish I could've seen that sooner.

I hope you're doing well, tell Damien, Pip, and Tweek I said hey.

-Kenny McCormick

Kenny finished writing the letter and put it in an envelope, marking it with several demonic symbols before lighting it on fire, watching as it instantly went up in a cloud of smoke.

The teen dropped his head on the kitchen table before falling asleep, the nightmare of his life making his actual nightmares feel almost like a pleasant escape by comparison… Almost.

"Soon I will…"


	11. Chapter 10

"**If I don't see some more Kendy fics on this damn website by the time I upload the next chapter then I'm gonna eat my own ass!"  
_-Your friend and humble narrator __who__ couldn't think of a good quote this week._**

**Chapter 10  
In which our hero and heroine come to realize that everything is completely fucked**

Under normal circumstances, two girls in his bed would've been an average wet dream for Kenny McCormick, but considering the fact that his sister, his girlfriend, and he had locked themselves in his room, marathoning the films of Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler, and Pauly Shore in a vain attempt to keep his mind off the death of his best friend, it was looking a little less like a dream and more of a bitter… Like a bitter… A bitter… Ya know what? Fuck the metaphor, he was depressed, everyone around him was depressed, the fucking narrator is depressed and you want me to come up with some poetic metaphor?

Fuck that shit, Butters and Tweek are dead, and for the first time in his life, Kenny was starting to see death as a legitimate threat! Yeah, he could die all he wants, so what? What about Karen? Or Wendy? Craig, Michael, Pete, Henrietta, Douchebag? For fuck's sake, Firkle lost his right eye to that horrifying abomination in the school, the corpse of which is now god only knows where! And what does Kenny have to take his mind off it all? A few low-brow comedy flicks ranging in quality from mediocre to excellent.

So yeah, I guess you could say he was a little bummed out by it all, I guess you could say he had a feeling things were only gonna get worse, as they have a tendency to do. Speaking of things getting worse, nightmares upon nightmares upon nightmares! That's what he saw whenever he closed his eyes for a few minutes! Sometimes he was getting torn to pieces by fish people, other times he found himself being cut open on an operating table, but every single time it was accompanied by that same menacing voice growing clearer and clearer as it said "Soon I will be…"

"BE WHAT, YOU FUCKIN' CUNT?!" Kenny shouted, scaring the absolute fuck out of both Wendy and Karen.

"What's wrong?!" Wendy asked.

"Who's a cunt?!" Karen added.

The boy looked between the two girls in horror, shocked beyond belief at his own outburst, "SORRY!" he quickly shouted before composing himself, "Sorry, I just… Kinda zoned out for a minute." he tried to explain, doing his best to focus his attention on Happy Gilmore, 'Sweet, Adam Sandler just kicked the shit out of that country club douchebag.' he mentally recapped. But he wasn't laughing at his second favorite scene in the whole movie (his favorite being the mini-golf clown scene, obviously). Nah, Kenny couldn't even try to distract himself from the worried looks of the two most important people in his life, "I'm sorry." he repeated once more.

"Kenny, what's going on in your head right now?" Wendy asked.

"Yeah, tell us what's on your mind." Karen insisted.

"Nothing." the boy lied, "I'm just really stressed out right now and I think it's getting to me."

Wendy gave her boyfriend a stern look, "Kenny, it's not good to keep your thoughts bottled up." she explained.

"Yeah." Karen agreed, "I mean, Wendy's your girlfriend, I'm your sister you have a borderline creepy relationship with, what can't you talk about with us?" she asked.

"Karen?" Wendy interrupted.

"Yeah?"

"Stop helping."

The girl shot her a dirty look, "I know how to talk to my brother, know your fucking place, bitch." she stated.

"Karen! Don't talk to her like that!" Kenny scolded.

"I'll talk to my future sister-in-law however I want, know your fucking place, bitch." she explained to the boy.

It was at this point that the pair had realized, in spite of their combined efforts to collectively dump Kenny's sister, she was not only still a part of their relationship, but also possibly the fucking alpha of their little group. "Look, everything's fine." the boy insisted, "Let's just watch the movie, please?"

"Alright." Wendy and Karen agreed in unison, relenting to the fact that Kenny would open up to them when he was ready.

Of course, Kenny wasn't the only one with shit going on, Karen had her own stress to worry about, one such stress making itself ever so present with her phone's vibration. Who knew a text saying "Come over." could house so much anxiety? "Hey, guys? I've gotta go." she informed.

"Oh what? But the scene where he meets Julie Bowen's character's coming up." Kenny reminded.

"Sorry. I've gotta go meet up with Henrietta and the guys." the girl explained, "I'll be back in a little while." she stated, "Later."

"Later." Kenny and Wendy both said in response.

Wendy had to admit, she was just a little annoyed at the younger teenager. The two had secretly agreed that they wouldn't leave Kenny on his own, and Wendy had made it clear that she had to do her volunteer work on Tuesdays, and what was today? Well, you'd probably be surprised to know that it was in fact Tuesday, of course. So naturally, Wendy was left with the responsibility of leaving her boyfriend all alone in his time of need. Well, she figured she might as well rip the bandage off now in a way that can also give her some rest from her busy schedule, "Hey, I'm gonna need to leave too in like an hour. Can you do me a favor and wake me up then?" she requested.

Kenny nodded, "Of course, no problem." he assured, "Get some rest, you've been busting your ass way too hard lately… And that's supposed to be my job."

"Thanks Ken." she said with a small laugh, resting her head on the boy's pillow, "You're the best."

'Damn right I am.' the boy thought to himself, watching as she quickly fell asleep before grabbing the purple beret off her head.

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Karen entered Henrietta's room to find her, Pete, and Michael sitting around, cigarettes in their hands, bored looks on their faces as they waited for the arrival of their last two members. "Hey guys, what's up?" the younger girl asked.

The group turned their attention to her all of them giving a slight nod as a greeting, "Did Firkle come in with you?" Michael questioned.

She shook her head, "No, I figured he'd already be here."

"Fuck." Michael cursed, "He'd never miss a meeting."

"Should we go check on him?" Henrietta suggested, "I mean, the book will still be here when we get back."

"Wait, what do you mean 'the book'?" Karen asked.

"The Necronomicon." Pete reminded, "Remember?"

"I thought we were done with that thing!"

"Are you crazy? We know it works now, how are we not gonna use it?" Michael questioned.

"We're gonna get started with summoning Cthulhu as soon as possible." Henrietta explained.

Karen found herself concerned for her friends' sanity, had they already forgotten about their little homunculous catastrophe? "Charlie killed eight people, Firkle was almost one of them, and you want to keep this Necronomicon thing going?"

"Don't you?" Pete questioned, "We have the key to bringing an era of darkness upon the world, do you realize how freaking goth that's gonna be?!"

"And what about all the people who get hurt, or killed?" the girl asked.

"Why should we care whether some dumbass conformists live or die?" Michael countered.

"You're not siding with the conformists, are you?" Pete asked.

"Both of you fuck off for a minute." Henrietta ordered, gesturing the boys toward the door. Once they were alone, Henrietta turned to Karen in concern, "Hey, if you're not comfortable with this then that's totally fine, you don't have to take part in anything you don't want to. We won't think any less of you if you do." she explained, "Besides, the way you smashed that homunculous' fucking skull in was like, the gothest thing any of us has ever done. You can totally keep hanging out with us even if you don't want to help us cause the apocalypse."

Karen sighed as her eyes started to water, "I'm just… Scared. Why can't we go back to before when we'd just write creepy poetry and watch horror movies?"

Henrietta watched as her friend began to cry, "Come on, don't do that." she requested, but that didn't stop her. She sighed, "Tell anyone I did this and I'll slit your throat." she threatened before hugging the other girl, "It's gonna be alright, we're still gonna keep doing all that. But this is something we've been wanting to do for years. You want me to just drive you home?"

The younger girl shook her head, "No… No, it's fine. I just… I can't stop picturing that freaking monster clawing Butters' intestines out."

"I know, but Charlie's gone now, thanks to you." Henrietta reminded.

"Firkle… He-" as Karen began to speak, the door creaked open, prompting the two to break the hug.

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TWO-" the older girl began to scold before seeing who it was.

"Hey." Firkle greeted in a tone even more lifeless than usual, his right eye covered by a patch with deep scarring visible on his skin. "So, we're summoning Cthulhu?" he monotonously asked.

Henrietta reconsidered the plan for a moment, "We… Might be." she answered, "Are you in?"

The boy nodded, "You know I am."

The younger girl thought about it, if Firkle was still willing to fuck with the forces of the unknown after what he'd been through, then she really had no excuse. Finally, Karen made her decision, "If Firkle's in then I'm in." she stated.

"Well, alright, if you're both sure." Henrietta said as she went out to the hall, "Where the fuck did you guys go?!" she shouted.

"Fuck off, your mom's making cookies!" she heard Pete shout from downstairs.

"They're shaped like bats and everything!" Michael added.

"WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE UNLEASHING AN ANCIENT EVIL ON THE WORLD, GOD!" the girl yelled in frustration as Firkle made his way out the door, "Where are you going?" she questioned.

"To get some bat cookies, duh." the boy answered before going downstairs.

Henrietta sighed, rubbing her eyes before feeling Karen take her by the wrist, "Come on, you're not too goth for one cookie." she said before dragging the older girl downstairs.

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Counselor Mackey had his face buried in paperwork when he heard his office door open, "Hey Wendy, everything alright? You're not usually this late." he pointed out.

"Nah, it's cool. Just had to pick some stuff up." Kenny explained… Wait, what? The counselor jerked his head up from his paperwork to see, not his assistant, but rather his assistant's boyfriend in a purple coat, yellow skirt, and a black wig topped off with the girl's beret.

It's an old trick him and the guys would sometimes pull as kids, if Kyle for example needed to be in two places at once, Kenny could just put on a set of his clothes and no one would know the difference as long as he didn't talk much. It usually worked, a little too well to make logical sense, if I'm being honest, it was almost as if they were all the exact same base character design with their only differences being their hats and clothing, but that would be ridiculous, this ain't some cheap cartoon.

"Kenny, what the hell are you doing?" Mackey questioned.

'Shit, forgot to disguise my voice.' Kenny realized, "Uh, what do you mean? It's me, Wendy." he said in his best impression of his girlfriend, which was admittedly pretty good thanks to his operatically trained voice and all the time they spend together.

"Kenny, I know it's you m'kay. The whole town knows what your legs look like in a skirt." the counselor reminded.

"Oh wow, so now you're sexually harassing a sixteen-year-old girl? Who are you, Jared from Subway?"

"You're not a sixteen-year-old girl, m'kay?"

"Oh is that so?" Kenny asked, turning to the open door and conveniently seeing just the man he was hoping to find, "Hey PC Principal!" he greeted, draining all the color from Mackey's face, "How's it going?"

"Hey, Wendy. It's going pretty good for me, wish I could say the same for those poor unfortunate people in China. How are you doing?" he asked.

"Oh, not too bad. Mr. Mackey and I were just having a conversation about sexual harassment against transgendered people in the workplace." Kenny explained, "I think it's just terrible, don't you PC Principal?"

"Absolutely, that's totally messed up and I'd like to personally kick the shit out of anyone who'd do something like that." the principal agreed.

"What was it you were just saying Mr. Mackey? Something about misgendering women and staring at their legs?" Kenny egged on.

"Uh- I uh- I think people like that should be fired on the spot and have their position filled by a well-qualified woman or person of color." the counselor said, fearing he might screw something up and get the absolute shit kicked out of him.

PC Principal nodded, "That's a pretty good take bro. You mind if I tweet that?"

"B-Be my guest."

"Thanks bro. I've gotta get going, you two have a good rest of your evening." the principal stated, walking away before Mackey shut the door.

"That was a dirty move, m'kay?"

"I can get dirtier, wanna try me?" Kenny warned, "Look, Wendy's been busting her ass lately, pulling double-shifts at Benny's and coming to my house to deal with my depressed bullshit. She needs a break whether she wants to admit it or not, just let me fill in for her today so she can get in her volunteer hours, m'kay?"

The counselor nodded in understanding, "M'kay, I think that'll be alright. Now, what you're gonna do is-"

"Yeah, I know, alphabetize the students' files and don't look in them." he recited, "I've seen Wendy do it a thousand times."

Mackey gave a curious look, "I guess that explains why my coffee mug's full of marijuana ashes whenever I leave her here alone."

"How great is that air freshener though?" Kenny asked.

"So great, you know I actually started buying the same brand to use at home?" the older man stated, "Hey, you don't happen to… You know, have any-" before he could even finish speaking, he was tossed a joint and a lighter.

"Spark it up dude." the teen invited as he began filing, "Hey, why do you use files anyway? Don't you have computers for this shit?"

"We did." the counselor stated as he lit the joint, "Then we ditched it after Eric Cartman got into the system and posted everyone's information on Facebook." he explained, taking a good drag off of the weed, "Aw man, this is some good stuff." he complimented with a cough.

"Yeah, it's great. That strain always makes me feel like everything's made of construction paper." Kenny explained as he was handed the paraphernalia in question, taking a drag of his own, "Man, you have no idea how much I've needed this."

"I'll bet." Mackey sympathized, "I uh, I heard about Butters. He was a really good kid."

"Yeah… Yeah he was." the boy agreed with a sigh, "Shit's been so fucked lately. Just a couple months ago I thought the worst thing that could ever happen to me was my friend finding out I was dating his ex… I miss that time." he explained before handing the joint back to the older man.

"Well, I know you're only here for Wendy's volunteer work and I'm not your counselor anymore but maybe I could try and help you out a little, m'kay?" the counselor suggested.

"I mean, I guess it could help to talk about it."

"That's the… Spirit." Mackey paused for a moment and examined the joint, "M'kay, this stuff must be kicking in, I just got a serious case of deja-vu." he said before taking another hit and passing it back to Kenny, "So-" he began with a cough, "So why don't you start by telling me how you're feeling, m'kay?"

Kenny thought about it for a second, "I've just been really depressed lately. Scared too, like something seriously bad is about to go down… Like I'm about to lose everything I've ever cared about." he explained.

"M'kay, that's good-"

"Is it?"

"No, I mean, what you're tellin' me's fucking horrible but it's good that you're getting it off your chest." the counselor explained, "M'kay, now have you talked to anyone else about this? Wendy? Your sister? Your friends?"

Kenny shook his head, "No, Karen and Wendy are worried enough as it is. They've got this agreement they think I don't know about where they won't let me be alone. This is actually the first time in a week they haven't been by my side." he explained with a grin, "Not that I'm bitching. I love those two more than anything else." he explained before taking the joint.

"M'kay, well what about friends? You and Craig are pretty close, same with that one kid who's name I can never remember, and I hear you're hanging out with the goth kids now, I know they'd love to hear about your miseries."

"The goth kids are really more like misery fetishists, not so much people you'd go to for mental health advice. Douchebag's a great listener but that's about it. And Craig?" Kenny pulled out his phone and handed it to the older man with his texts open.

Mackey scrolled through the texts with a surprised look, "Huh, I never really thought about how diverse the word cancer could be when you really put your mind to it. Why's he so steamed at you anyway?"

Kenny let out the smoke in his throat to answer, "He blames me and the guys for Tweek getting killed."

"Why's that?"

The boy shrugged as he passed the joint, "He says we're the source of everything bad that happens in this town." he explained, "I mean, maybe it does have something to do with me. The night Tweek died was when the nightmares started."

"Nightmares?"

"Yeah. I didn't mention those?"

"You didn't. You wanna tell me what they're about?"

"I can't really describe them, aside from just saying how horrifying they are." Kenny explained.

"Well, could you draw them?" the counselor asked.

Kenny's eyes widened in sudden realization, "Yeah, I think I could."

"Well come on then, I've got a key to the art room, let's go!" Mackey said, gesturing for Kenny to follow him into the hall.

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Wendy was worried when she'd woken up to find her boyfriend had gone missing, that emotion quickly metamorphosed into annoyance when she found her beret was gone as well. Kenny was something of a drag queen, everyone knew it, even back when they were kids and the boys would do their weird Game of Thrones roleplay thing, Kenny would play the princess. Now, her boyfriend's hobby of dressing up as a woman didn't bother her, but she was not about to start sharing clothes with him so he could impersonate her.

The girl found herself at Counselor Mackey's office door and burst in, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE-" she began to shout, only to find that the room was completely devoid of life. "Doing?" she thought for sure he'd be here, where else would he go? She stood in silence, deep in thought when she heard a pair of voices from a nearby room.

Wendy followed the sound through the empty hallways, making her way through the elementary school before finding the door to the art room wide open, "M'kay, this is… This is fuckin' trippy dude." she heard Mr. Mackey say from within before entering.

Inside the room she saw Kenny in front of a canvas, mumbling in some weird dialect she couldn't decipher while violently painting a portrait of what looked to be some sort of horrifying cross between a man and a fish, "Kenny?" she asked, the boy didn't answer though, it was as though he were entranced.

"He's been like that for an hour." Mr. Mackey informed as he sucked on a joint, "Just standing there with a blank look on his face, painting. It's honestly freaking me out a little."

Wendy snatched the joint from her superior's hand, "First of all, you're supposed to be a role model." she scolded before snuffing the drug out on the bottom of her shoe.

"Fuckin' narc." the counselor mumbled.

The girl paid him no mind as she approached her boyfriend, "Kenny?" she repeated, grabbing her beret off his head and putting back in its rightful place on her own, she examined the painting closely, it was detailed, almost as though it was made not by a daredevil/mechanic/part-time gun store employee, but rather a professional artist with years of experience, "He made this in an hour?" she questioned the older man.

"No. That one he did in the past five minutes." Mackey clarified, "These are what he did with the rest of the hour." he revealed, gesturing toward a row of about thirteen wet paintings lined up against the wall. Most of them appearing to be of the same species of fish people as depicted in his current work, killing him in various ways. One looked to be of two men in black suits standing over him on an operating table, surgical tools in hand. But the biggest one of them all was of an enormous creature destroying a city, some sort of a monster with an octopus-like head with what looked almost like a beard of tentacles, dragon wings on its back, and a vaguely human body with shiny green skin. "He painted all of these?" she questioned.

"Now, I know what you're gonna tell me, m'kay? You're gonna say I'm being real irresponsible by letting him waste school resources like this. But that art teacher's been a real fucking pain in my ass lately and this is way cooler than anything those little gremlin bastards in her class could ever come up with, so fuck it, I wanna see how this plays out, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey explained

Wendy wasn't about to sit here and argue with a stoned out elementary school counselor, not while her boyfriend was in such a terrifying state. She stared at the painting of the monster, its tentacles, its wings, it looked so otherworldly yet so familiar at the same time, where had she seen it before? Then it struck her, she remembered back to when she was around eight or nine, watching a news broadcast about how an ancient god was awoken to reign over the world for three-thousand years, driving humanity to madness and enslaving them. "Cthulhu." she said under her breath.

It seemed as though she'd said the secret word of the day, because for the first time since her arrival Kenny had given her some kind of reaction, although she almost wished he didn't, "SOONHEWILLBESOONHEWILLBESOONHEWILLBESOONHEWILLBESOONHEWILLBESOONHEWILLBE-" the boy rambled, rapidly screaming at the top of his lungs as he fell to the ground.

"Oh fuck this shit, I'm gettin' the hell out of here, m'kay?!" Mackey stated before rushing out of the room.

Wendy rushed to the boy's side, trying to calm him down as he uncontrollably spazzed out on the floor, "Kenny, what's wrong?! Tell me what's happening?! What are you saying?!" she questioned.

"SOON HE WILL BE RISEN! THE DARK LORD IS COMING! ALL PRAISE HIM, THE GREAT OLD ONE, CTHULHU!" Kenny screamed, his eyes rolling into the back of his head before he finally passed out.

Wendy was stunned in terror as she gripped her boyfriend's limp body close to her chest, just one question on her mind, "What's happening to you, Kenny McCormick?"

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Karen gripped her head as a sharp pain shot through it like a bullet, "You okay?" Pete questioned.

"Yeah, I'm fine." the girl assured, "Just… Nervous, I guess."

"You're sure you still wanna do this, right?" Henrietta questioned.

"Yeah, I'm sure"

"Alright, let's start getting everything together then." Michael stated.


	12. Chapter 11

"**I am very disappointed in all of you. For shame._"  
-Your friend and humble narrator who hasn't seen a single new Kendy fic on this website since the last chapter was uploaded._**

**Chapter 11  
****T****wo young lovers with nothing better to do begin to seek out answers**

Kenny slowly awoke in his bed, still tired, it almost felt as though he'd died again but couldn't remember how. He thought about it for a good few minutes, not even opening his eyes to begin the day, 'Okay, so I was in Mackey's office, I told him about the dreams, then… Nothing.' he recalled. But it couldn't have been nothing, had he been shot in the back of the head? That's really the only explanation he could think of.

Finally, the boy hesitantly opened his eyes to see Karen and Wendy at the foot of his bed, "He's awake!" the younger of the two girls announced.

Wendy immediately shot to his side, embracing him in a hug, "Thank god you're alright, you scared the hell out of me last night!" his girlfriend expressed, nearly bursting into tears right on his shoulder.

"Hey, come on, you know I'm alright, I'm always alright!" the boy reminded, tightening his grip around her.

"Kenny, how are you feeling?" Karen asked, examining her brother closely.

"I feel fine, maybe a little worn out." he explained, turning to Wendy, "You don't happen to know what happened last night, do you?" he questioned, knowing that she was the only one on this planet who could possibly give him the real answer.

Wendy stared him down for a moment before asking one simple question, "Do you know how to paint?"

It was an odd one, the kind of question he'd never expected to be asked right out of the blue. The kind of oil he tended to work with was the kind that either went into cars or down his own throat depending on the job he was on, but painting? "No, never crossed my mind to try it." he answered.

Wendy and Karen looked at each other with deep worry, "Kenny, if you're fucking around right now then you need to stop. Tell me the truth or I will never talk to you again." Karen stated, "Did you make these paintings?"

Kenny looked over to where his sister was gesturing, his eyes widening at the row of meticulously crafted paintings lined up against his wall, "What the fuck?" he questioned.

"DID YOU?!" Karen shouted.

"NO, OF COURSE I DIDN'T!" the boy insisted, "I wouldn't even know how to start making something like these." he explained, examining each one, they all looked as though someone had gone into his mind and taken pictures of his darkest nightmares. "But… Who… These are all…" he stared at them in disbelief, there were the fish people, the creepy ocean town, Cthulhu, everything he'd seen every time he closed his eyes for the past two weeks, all there on the canvases. "That's impossible." he said under his breath before turning back to the girls, "Who made these?!" he questioned.

"Do you really not remember anything?" Wendy questioned.

"IF I REMEMBERED THEN I WOULDN'T BE ASKING! WHO THE FUCK WAS IT?!" the boy demanded.

"You did! Mr. Mackey saw you paint them, I even watched you paint this one right here!" she explained, gesturing to the portrait of a fish person with one long streak of color slashed down its face, almost like the artist passed out mid-stroke.

Kenny stared at them once again, mesmerized not only by the pictures themselves but by the idea that he was the one who made them… But then, who else could have made them? Each and every one of them looked so perfectly like a snapshot of one nightmare or another that he had! No one else could possibly have seen him being torn to pieces by amphibious ghouls, or him on a cold steel operating table that he could almost feel on his back just by looking at the picture. No one could've known about scenes such as these because he'd never told anyone about them. They really couldn't have been painted by anyone else in this world. "Kenny, what's going on?" Karen asked.

The boy just stood there in silence, mouth agape, not an idea in his head as to what the fuck was happening, there was just one thing he could see, just one fact that became terrifyingly clear in his dirty little mind, "This is bad." he stated, "I don't know what this is… But it's bad."

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"Guys, I know you still hate me, but I seriously need to talk to you right now. Meet me at the bus stop at three, it's an emergency." that was the text that Kenny sent to his childhood friends. He figured the bus stop was the best place to meet up, it was close enough to all their houses that they'd have less incentive not to show up. He just hoped they would.

"Kenny?" Stan called out in a semi-concerned tone, "What's up?"

The boy sighed in relief, if Stan came then Kyle would come, and he already knew Cartman would show up since- "Alright I'm here, so what's this big scheme you've got planned out to make us ten-million dollars?" the fat boy questioned. Okay, so maybe Cartman got a slightly different text than the other two had.

Kyle finally arrived a moment later, "This better be serious Kenny." he warned, making it clear that this was hardly a friendly meetup.

Now that the whole gang was here, Kenny took a breath and began to explain "Alright, first off, there's no scheme Cartman. I just totally lied to you right out of the gate." he stated.

"Should've fuckin' known!" the fat teen shouted, "Does it make you feel good?! Screwing with people's emotions like that?! Here I thought we were getting the band back together for a big kickass scheme that was gonna make us all rich as shit. _But nooo!_" he complained, "Did fuckin' Yoko have something to do with this?! I know you and that whore just love to-" Cartman shut his fat mouth just a moment after the word "Whore" had passed his lips as Kenny clocked him right in the jaw, knocking him into an adjacent snowbank.

"Don't call my girlfriend a whore. We've been over this." the boy calmly stated, silently regretting his decision to invite Cartman in the first place. "So, I guess you're wondering why I really called you all here?"

"No shit dude." Kyle stated.

"Just tell us what the hell's going on." Stan requested.

Kenny took a breath as he rubbed his eyes, "Have you guys noticed anything… Weird?"

The two boys looked at each other in confusion, "Weird how?" Stan questioned.

"You mean like the thing that killed Tweek and Butters?" Kyle asked.

"Kinda!" The boy affirmed, "Like, since Tweek died, has anything changed? Like, have you noticed any kind of changes?"

"Is this about all the weird texts Craig's been sending us?" Stan asked.

"Yeah, I was wondering about that too." Kyle added, hoping to get some answers while they were all on speaking terms, "You're better friends with Craig than we are, do you know why he's so pissed at us?"

"Funny you should ask." Kenny stated, "See, Craig's kind of convinced that we're somehow behind Tweek's death." he explained.

Cartman pressed a handful of snow against his jaw as he got up from the ground, "Oh my god, what the fuck did you do?" he questioned.

"I didn't do anything!" the boy defended.

"Then why the hell would he think we had something to do with Tweek dying?" Kyle asked.

"That's a good question Kyle! I was kind of hoping we could figure it out together since all he told me was, and I quote 'every time something bad happens in this town, you four always have something to do with it'." he explained.

Kyle thought about the accusation "That's insane… Right?"

Stan considered it as well, "I mean, sure we've had… A couple adventures that turned into… Massive apocalyptic catastrophes."

"Face it guys, we're pretty much the only ones keeping this town interesting." Cartman admitted.

The four just stood in thought for a moment as they realized that maybe they were something of a collective menace to the town of South Park and the surrounding world as well… Maybe even the universe outside of even that, "So… Are we the bad guys?" Stan questioned.

"I mean, Cartman always kind of was, that's for sure." Kyle stated.

"Yeah, maybe just a little." Cartman relented.

"A little? You tried to exterminate the Jews!" the boy reminded.

"Kyle, I know you're trying to be a good friend and all, but you don't need to try and make me feel better by reminding me of all the good I've done for the world, just let me repent for my very short list of sins." the fat bastard requested.

"I just don't get it. Even if we've fucked some shit up in the past, what could we have done to get Tweek killed?" Stan questioned.

"I mean, I haven't hung out with you guys in months, what have you been up to?" Kenny asked, hoping to narrow down an answer.

"Well, after you and Wendy got together, I used my dad's music industry connections and became a teen pop idol for a while to make her regret leaving me." Stan recalled.

"The week after that we went to Australia and pissed off some weird race of Kangaroo people." Cartman added.

"Then there was Christmas when Mr. Hankey came back for revenge." Kyle recounted.

"Cartman's abortion." Stan threw in.

"Which we all promised NEVER TO MENTION AGAIN!" the fat teen reminded.

"And then Tweek died." Kyle topped off. "So, unless we missed something, we had nothing to do with it. So what about you?"

"Well, I got a dog, went to jail, Trent Boyett's still fucking pissed at you guys by the way, and I barely remember anything around Christmas because I was completely fucking stoned for most of late December."

"So… Nothing?" Stan questioned.

Kenny thought back to see if there was anything he'd missed.

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Kenny didn't know how he ended up in the library of Middle Park Community College, but there he was, wandering around, stoned out of his mind, everything around him just a dreamlike haze. At some point in his wandering the boy had come across a book, "Necronomicon." he read off the cover, "Hey, that's a word from that guy the goth kids like." he mumbled, opening to the first page, "Reference book, never to leave the library."

Kenny looked around before stuffing the large tome down his pants, covering any trace of it with his parka before exiting the library, "Can I help you find anything sir?" the elderly librarian questioned.

"Find these nuts!" he answered, running out of the building to the poor old woman's confusion.

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"Nothing I can remember." he stated. "All I know is that since Tweek died I've been having these weird nightmares almost every night, and I feel like it's all part of some premonition of a greater threat." Kenny explained.

"Hold up, so you called us here because you had a bad dream and now you're worried it means something bad's gonna happen?" Cartman questioned, "Fuck off! You are such a fucking drama queen! _Oh, look at me, I'm Kenny, I think the big bad dreams and all the dead kids are gonna destroy the world, oh noooo._" the boy teased, "Well if that's all you wanted to say, then screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman stated before walking away.

"The world could be in danger!" Kenny warned.

"My day off is in danger! There's a Terrance and Philip marathon on today and I'm missing all the good episodes from before season seventeen when it turned into complete dog shit!" Cartman argued as he left.

Kenny sighed and rolled his eyes before turning to Stan and Kyle, "Guys?"

"Cartman's right dude, just because shit's getting weird in your life doesn't mean we can just drop everything in ours' to help you out." Kyle stated before the two walked away.

"So… Still not friends?" the boy asked.

Stan turned around to address him, "No. Sorry dude."

And with that, Kenny was left all alone, leaned up against the adjacent street sign with a defeated look on his face, he looked up at the sign and the area around it, all the precious childhood memories of this very spot flowing through his mind, the friends he shared them with having all gone their own way, "I guess it really is over." he relented as he lit a cigarette.

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Wendy sat on the edge of Kenny's bed, staring at the accursed paintings leaned against his wall. The horror of their subject matter weighing heavy on her mind, the fact that her boyfriend had to suffer through the scenes depicted every night, she couldn't bear the thought yet she couldn't look away. So there she sat staring at the picture of the orange-clad teenager being torn to pieces by fish people… In front of a bar? She looked a little closer to see if she could make out the lettering on the sign, "Innsmouth Tavern." she read off.

Surely it was just some random name concocted within Kenny's own mind… Right? Wendy jumped to her feet and made her way over to her boyfriend's computer. "Fuck, what's his password?" she questioned aloud.

"It's WendyMcCormick420." Karen answered as she entered the room.

Wendy entered the password, smiling when it worked, "Aww. That's so cute!" she gushed.

"It used to be XXXtremeButtHoleFister69." the younger girl informed.

Wendy's smile ran away from her face with this secondary bit of information, "Would it have been so hard to just let me live in a world where I didn't know that?"

Karen shrugged, "I guess we'll never know now." she said with a grin, "Just don't click the folder that says 'homework' if you wanna keep the last of your innocence in tact."

"I just need to look something up real quick." the older girl stated as she typed 'Innsmouth Tavern' into Kenny's weird search engine that wasn't Google, the fuckin' hipster, "Innsmouth Tavern Yelp reviews." she read off the top result before clicking it, "The building looked like it was about to collapse and the owner threatened to slit my throat when I asked if they served fish sticks, good beer though. Three out of five."

"_Sounds like a nice place._" Karen sarcastically noted.

"Sounds like exactly what I'm looking for." Wendy stated, cross-referencing the descriptions from the reviews with the building in the painting, "This is it, this is the place from Kenny's painting!" she said, looking into the bar's location, "Innsmouth Massachusetts!"

"Why would he be dreaming about some town in Massachusetts? Kenny's never been to Massachusetts… I think. Then again, him and his friends did get around a lot back when they were kids, so who knows where he's been at this point." the younger girl pondered.

Wendy found herself on the Wikipedia article, reading it aloud as she scrolled through, "Innsmouth is a small coastal city in Essex County, Massachusetts. Founded in 1643, it's a historic seaport noted for shipbuilding before the revolutionary war, a seat of great marine prosperity in the early nineteenth century, and later a minor factory center." she recited, "The loss of sailors due to shipwrecks and the war of 1812 caused the town's profitable trade with the South Seas to falter, effectively killing tourism and turning the once prosperous city into a ghost town with a population of less than 400 according to the 2010 census."

As the girls read through their impromptu history lesson, they found themselves joined by the third member of Mysterion Inc (A name that they both rejected flat out but Kenny insisted on), "Well, the guys told me to go fuck myself." Kenny informed as he flopped back on his bed.

"Those guys are idiots anyway." Karen stated, "The fact that you stopped hanging out with them before you got killed is nothing short of a miracle."

"I think it's more like a curse." the boy stated.

"Don't be such an emo fag."

Kenny sat up to look his sister in the eye, "Are you seriously one to talk?"

"I'm goth, know the difference."

"I'm pretty sure there isn't one." the boy stated before noticing what his girlfriend was up to at the moment, "Hey, how the hell'd you get on my computer?!" he questioned.

"Don't worry about it." Wendy said, "But I think I've found something you be interested in seeing." she explained, getting up to grab the Innsmouth painting, carrying it back to Kenny's desk and placing it next to the computer screen which had a photo of the tavern loaded onto it, "Look familiar?"

Kenny looked between the two pictures, they were almost identical! The only big difference being the scene of him getting ripped to pieces, but aside from that it was almost like the artist traced over the photo itself, "Where is this place?" he questioned.

"Massachusetts." Wendy answered with a smile, Kenny immediately pulled his girlfriend in for a deep kiss, "You really are the most amazing person I've ever met." he stated after separating.

"Hey!" Karen protested.

"Them's the breaks kid, can't stay on top forever." the boy stated, giving his sister a consolation kiss on the head. Kenny made his way to the other side of the room and opened his closet, the door coming off in his hand as he did, "Fuck!" he cursed, leaning it up against the wall until the time came that he could fix it. The girls watched as he pulled out a duffel bag and tossed it on his bed, opening his dresser drawer before staring at his clothes in thought, "Where's Massachusetts?" he questioned.

"Wait, you're not seriously thinking of going all the way to the east coast, are you?!" Wendy questioned.

"East coast, thanks angel!" he said, grabbing a few days worth of shirts and jeans and throwing them in his bag along with what looked to be about twenty joints give or take.

"Kenny, you can't just drive to the other side of the country because of some dream you had!" Karen expressed.

"Why not? Forest Gump ran across the country for his slutty girlfriend." the boy stated.

"Forest Gump was a retard!" Karen reminded.

"FOREST GUMP ISN'T A REAL PERSON!" the most logical of the three pointed out.

"WELL HE'S REAL TO ME, DAMMIT!" Kenny proclaimed.

Wendy groaned "You're being ridiculous!"

Karen rolled her eyes, "Don't waste your breath Wendy. He's got his mind made up, there's no stopping him now."

The older girl decided that she couldn't just stand by and watch her boyfriend leave, "If I really can't stop you from going then you're not going alone, I'm coming with you!" she proclaimed.

"Of course you are, we're a team and I wouldn't be able to do this without you." Kenny stated, "We'll stop by your house right now so you can get packed."

"Oh." Wendy said with a surprised look, "Alright then, let's go."

"Wait, what about me?!" Karen asked.

"You've gotta stay behind and take care of Whiskey." the boy answered as he and Wendy walked out.

"I don't even know where Whiskey is!" the girl stated.

"Dad took him out for a walk earlier, he's been doing that a lot lately for some reason."

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Stuart McCormick kneeled down next to his son's golden retriever, "Alright Whiskey, this is your time to shine, you're the breadwinner this family needs, you win this and we can finally get our water turned back on. No pressure, just go out there and do your best, and if you lose your nerve, just think of all that sweet bitch pussy you're gonna be gettin' when all the breeders are linin' up for those superior dog genes of yours. You ready?"

"Ruff!" the dog enthusiastically answered.

"That's what I like to hear!" the man stated as Whiskey took his place at the starting line.

The announcer's voice was amplified throughout the racetrack, "And they're off, with number 8 Whiskey McTestaCormickBurger taking an early lead!"

"YOU'VE GOT THIS, CHAMP!" Stuart cheered on.

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Wendy rushed into her house with Kenny on her tail, barely even taking the time to notice that her parents had apparently taken the day off from work until her mother greeted her "Hi sweetie, how's it-"

"Can't talk right now mom, we're in a rush." the girl cut off.

"Remember to pack your bikini, it might be a shit hole but it's still a beach town." Kenny reminded.

"Just because there's a beach doesn't mean it's going to be warm in February!" Wendy stated.

"I thought you wanted to be prepared!"

"For emergencies!" the girl specified as the two went upstairs.

It took a moment before Wendy's parents realized just what the two were implying, "Wait, packing? Beach town? Wait just a minute!" her mother demanded, following the pair upstairs with her husband close behind.

In the girl's room, Wendy was dragging her suitcase out of her closet while Kenny took the liberty of raiding her underwear drawer, "Oh dude, you've gotta bring these." he said before slingshoting a particularly cute pair of panties he liked onto his girlfriend's head.

Wendy snatched the fabric off and put it in her suitcase, "Can you be serious for five minutes?!" she questioned.

"Who says I'm not?" the boy countered as he pulled a shirt he liked out of her dresser, "Oh shit, can I borrow this?"

Finally, the girl's parents entered the room, "What do you mean 'packing'? Just where do you two think you're going?!" Wendy's mother asked.

"Massachusetts, home state of our sixteenth president Andrew Jackson." Kenny answered.

"How the hell are you passing history?" his girlfriend questioned as she stocked her suitcase..

"Mas- MASSACHUSETTS?!" the girl's father questioned, "Absolutely not!"

"How do you even plan on getting there?!" the older woman questioned.

"Kenny has his license and I have a learner's permit. I needed to get in more hours of driving anyway." Wendy casually explained as she walked to the bathroom to grab her toothbrush, her mother following her out, leaving Kenny alone with her father.

"Kenny, we've known each other for a couple months now." Mr. Testaburger stated.

"It feels like years though, doesn't it?" Kenny asked with a grin as he perused his girlfriend's dresser.

"Yeah, yeah it does." the older man stated in frustration, "See, it's not that I don't like you… I just, completely hate you. Since you and Wendy started dating, you've lied to me, defiled my daughter, ruined her perfect attendance, dragged down her grades, corrupted her mind, gotten her into smoking pot, and god only knows what else I don't know about! And you think I'm just going to let you pick her up and take her on a road trip across the country without even telling me why?"

Kenny nodded, "Yeah, I think you are. Thanks for backing us up on this Mr. T, I know we've never seen eye to eye but I'm glad you're being a good sport about it, that really means a lot to me, ya know?" he said with a grin. Wendy and her mother entered the room before her father could even realize what the boy had just said, "Good news Wends, your dad says we can go!"

"What?!" the girl's mother began to protest.

"Thanks daddy, we'll be back in a week." the girl assured, kissing her father on the cheek before taking her suitcase and walking out.

"Yeah, thanks daddy." Kenny repeated, kissing his future father-in-law on the cheek and walking out while the older man just stood in confusion.

"You really have no problem with this whatsoever?" the man's wife questioned.

"I… What the fuck just happened?!"

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Wendy secured her luggage in the back of her boyfriend's truck and took her rightful place in the passenger seat, "Ready to go find some answers?" she questioned.

"You know it." Kenny said with a grin as he pulled out of his girlfriend's driveway, "So, how long do you think it's gonna take to get there?" he questioned.

She did the math in her head, "Well, it's about 2,037 miles, so if we stay on the highway at a constant speed of sixty miles per hour and don't stop once the whole way there… About thirty-four hours."

"So a few days then?" he asked.

"Most likely, yes." Wendy answered.

"Weak." the boy lamented.

"Look on the bright side, at least we'll still make it back before school reopens."

"_Oh great, that __totally__ makes it all worthwhile._" Kenny sarcastically stated before undoing his girlfriend's seatbelt.

"What the hell are you-" Wendy was silenced when her boyfriend pulled her into the middle of the bench and strapped her back in, holding her into his side.

"No fuckin' way I'm driving thirty-four hours with you on the other side of the truck." Kenny stated. Wendy rolled her eyes, smiling nonetheless as she leaned her head on the boy's shoulder.

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Karen sat on the couch, reading a book entitled 'How to Seduce Your Brother; Turning Incest Into Success in Ten Easy Steps' when her mother walked in, "Hey hon, how was your day?" the older woman asked.

"Boring." she answered as she underlined a particularly useful looking paragraph.

"Aw, that's too bad." her mother sympathized, "I'll have dinner ready in a few minutes. Do me a favor and go get your brother."

"He's not here." Karen informed.

"Oh, any idea when he'll be back?" the woman questioned.

"Him and Wendy went to Massachusetts to investigate some weird supernatural mystery about these nightmares he's been having." she explained, "So… Maybe next week?"

Her mother sighed, "Well that's just fuckin' great. We can't even afford to run the goddamn shower and he's off on a road trip! Ya know, I figured when he stopped hangin' out with those dumbass friends of his then these stupid fuckin' adventures would be over! He brought home a polite responsible girl and I figured she'd keep him outta trouble, but nooo!" she ranted before letting out a sigh, "I'm startin' to think he might be the Antichrist."

The woman went into the kitchen and cracked a beer when she heard a knock at the door, "I'll get it!" Karen proclaimed, quietly rehearsing her act on her way to the door. She answered it to find herself standing before a tall man in a black suit, 'Yep, no fuckin' way this isn't some kind of IRS goon.'

"Hello, is this the McCormick residence?" the man asked.

"Y-Yeah." the girl answered in a timid voice, working up a few tears in her eyes, "Y-You're not here to take our house away, are you? Y-You wouldn't want to put a poor little girl out on the street, would you?"

The man immediately got uncomfortable, "N-No, of course not, I'm ju-"

"Let me guess, you want us to pay 'some other way'? W-Well, m-my mom's pretty sick, so I g-guess I c-could." at this point Karen had worked up enough tears to make the man visibly squirm, 'I totally deserve an Oscar for this.' she thought with an internal grin.

"N-No! Th-that's not- I'm not here to take your house away or collect any kind of- I'm actually gay! I wouldn't even be interested in… That kind of thing. I was just wondering if there was a boy named Kenneth McCormick living here."

'Alright, maybe this douchebag isn't actually from the IRS.' the girl deduced, but clearly he was the kind of narc that didn't have her or her brother's best interests at heart, it would seem her little act wasn't done just yet, "K-Kenny? Do you know where he is?!" she questioned in a panicked tone.

"That's actually what I was hoping to find out." one of the men explained.

"He's not in trouble is he? He's been missing for days and we have no idea where he went!" Karen lied, "Are you gonna bring my brother back?" she asked, looking as though she was on the verge of tears.

"I-I'll certainly try." the man stated, "Before I go though, do you have any idea where your brother might have gone?"

Karen thought about her answer for a moment, "W-Well, he always talked about how much he wanted to run away to Hawaii… Or maybe it was Hungary? One of the two."

The man wrote down the information in a notepad, "So… Hawaii or Hungary." he restated, "That uh… That really narrows it down. Thank you for your cooperation."

"Sure thing. Please, just please bring my brother back to me, I'm begging you!" the girl expressed before shutting the door. "Dipshit." she said with a grin, watching through the window as the goon walked back to his black sedan.

"You're tryin' out for the school play this year, I ain't takin' no for an answer." she heard her mother say from behind her.

"Kenny's in some deep shit, isn't he?" Karen asked.

"Sure looks that way." the older woman answered before sipping her beer, "Nothin' he can't handle though. That boy's stared death in the face a thousand times and came out on top every single one of 'em, and I don't see some fag dressed up like an accountant being the one that finally takes him down."

Karen knew her mother was right, but… "I'm still worried about him." she stated.

"I know. Me too." her mother admitted, "Why don't ya come have some spaghetti to help take your mind off it."

"How can you make spaghetti without water?" the girl questioned.

"Easy." she said, holding up the box of noodles, "It's just gonna be a little crunchy."

The front door opened within a moment, the patriarch of the McCormick family proudly walking in with his son's dog by his side, "Ladies…" he greeted as he walked into the kitchen, turning on the sink.

"You paid the water bill!" his wife excitedly said, as she ran up to hug him… And then smack him across the face, "That's for takin' a whole damn month to finally do it!" she scolded before hugging him again, "But it's better late than never I guess."

"Yep, and that's just the start! Thanks to our little meal ticket right here." Stuart proclaimed, petting Whiskey on the head. "Let me tell ya, I wasn't sure about it at first, but bringin' this dog home was probably the best thing Kenny ever did!" he admitted, "So where is Kenny? I wanna tell him the good news!"

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Two men in black suits sat in a booth at Benny's diner, going over what they'd found out so far "So his sister told you he was either on his way to Hawaii or Hungary?"

"That's right. And you checked with the girlfriend's parents, right?"

"Yeah, they said they were on their way to Massachusetts. What do you think?"

"I personally think we should check Hawaii first."

"This isn't a vacation, Jones. This McCormick kid is a possible threat to human existence as we know it, we need to find him and figure out how to contain him as soon as humanly possible."

"Right, sorry." Jones said, "So, Massachusetts?"

"Sounds like the best place to start."

"Excuse me, miss." Jones called out to the waitress, "Can we get the check please?" he requested.

"Sure, just give me a minute." the blonde girl said, finishing up a text to Kenny, warning him about the conversation she overheard about him from the two shady guys. The girl hit send and proceeded to bring the goons their check.

"Thank you Miss… Bebe." one of the men read off her name tag as they got up to leave, "Keep the change."


	13. Chapter 12

"**When I'm god, everyone dies."_  
-Marilyn Manson_**

**Chapter 12**

**In which shit heats up to a boiling point you hadn't imagined possible**

"And coming in at first place, it's number 8, Whiskey McTestaC-" the radio announcer said as his voice faded to static.

"Well, that was the last station out of South Park." Kenny noted, "What time is it?"

Wendy checked her phone, "About five."

"Sweet. We're making pretty good time." the boy stated, noting the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach, "You hungry?"

"Kinda."

"There's a Wendy's up here, you wanna-"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" his girlfriend shouted.

"Fuck dude! Why not?!" Kenny asked, his ear ringing after being screamed into.

"You know why." Wendy stated.

"Oh what, do you seriously think I'm gonna use it as an excuse to make jokes about your name?" the boy asked, "I'm honestly a little hurt that you'd think I'm that childish."

Wendy sighed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. Let's just go to IHOP instead." she offered.

"Alright, sounds good." Kenny agreed before pulling into the diner's parking lot, "I hear they sell burgers here now." he noted, "I think I might try one."

"If you say it, I will sock you in the nuts." the girl warned.

"What? I'm just saying I might wanna test a burger." Kenny said right before his girlfriend punched him in the balls… Hard, "Totally worth it." he gasped out in pain, undoing his seatbelt.

The pair exited his truck and made their way into the restaurant, seating themselves as the sign instructed before a waiter threw a pair of menus at them, "I'll be back whenever." the minimum wage worker stated.

Kenny opened his menu and began looking over his options. Wendy, who was already sure she wanted a plate of blueberry pancakes and a glass of orange juice (because breakfast for dinner freaking rules), had only her boyfriend to look at, staring at the determined expression plastered on his face, every thought in his head projected through his demeanor so clearly that he may as well have been wearing a shirt that said 'Something's wrong' in huge red letters. "What do you think you're going to find out there?" her mouth questioned with little input from her brain.

The boy shrugged, "Answers? I dunno." he admitted as he read through every entry listed on his menu.

Wendy nodded in understanding, powerless as her mouth continued to speak on her behalf, "You know I'm here for you, anything you want to talk about, I'm here." she assured.

Kenny smiled, "I know." he stated, looking up at the girl, "Thanks." and with this last word, the boy shut his menu and just sat there, staring his girlfriend right in her eyes, silently noting that they were the most beautiful shade of green he'd ever known in his life, 'What did I ever do to deserve you?' he wondered as the waiter approached their table.

"Can I take your order?" the young man questioned.

"Blueberry pancakes and a glass of orange juice, please." Wendy requested.

"Same." Kenny stated without any semblance of thought or hesitation as he continued to stare. Really, I can't even begin to describe Kenny's adoration for this girl, I could give you a good paragraph or two filled to the brim with simile and metaphor about the boy's emotion and it wouldn't be enough, I could go on about how his little pet-name for her was simply the best comparison he, as someone who's known literal angels, could possibly come up with. Fuck, he supposed even angel was something of an understatement, as Wendy was far more in his eyes, she was a goddess he'd worship long after his immortal curse wore off and they both faded into the afterlife, and should his curse never die, he'd walk the earth until even its own demise speaking fondly of the incredible woman he had the honor to love.

What more could I possibly say than that? He had it bad, badder than you or I could ever dream to know. But while he looked into her eyes with all the love and adoration he could muster, Wendy could only look into his with worry and fear, something was going on with her boyfriend, she could feel it, and the distance between Colorado to Massachusetts didn't even scratch the surface of how far she'd go to help him. If this trip took them to the very ends of the universe where not even the most powerful of gods dared to tread, then she'd be right by his side through the whole journey. That said, a few images still burned themselves into her mind, the paintings, Tweek's lifeless corpse, Kenny laying impaled on a barrel of javelins. She couldn't stand the idea of him getting hurt or worse, it tormented her in a way she'd never known, and it was in this moment that Wendy knew she'd do anything to keep her boyfriend safe.

Needless to say, the two could do no more than stare one another in the eyes until their food had arrived. A good thirty minutes to you and I, no more than a moment to them. It was odd for them, the act of eating in silence, they never did anything in silence, whenever the two were together they could just spend hours upon hours enraptured in deep conversation followed by deep penetration followed by weed medication that led them right back to deep conversation. Kenny would always have some epic story from his childhood or some new scheme to talk about, Wendy might go on about some cause she was passionate about or the latest gossip around the school. But now, nothing. The ambiance of the diner around them being the only indicator that the pair hadn't simultaneously gone deaf.

Wendy checked her phone to see it was around 6:30, "Hey, it's getting kind of late, you wanna check into that motel next door?" she asked.

Kenny nodded, the two paid their check and headed for the exit, nearly crashing into two guys in black suits on their way back to the truck, "Oh shit, sorry dude." the teen apologized.

"Don't…" the man took a good look at him, "Worry about it. I should've watched where I was going." he insisted in a deep voice.

Kenny and Wendy climbed into the truck and sat silently for a moment before throwing themselves at one another, their tongues meeting within a moment as Kenny's hand found its way down the back of his girlfriend's pants. "I love you so fucking much!" the boy exclaimed.

"Please don't ever die again!" she requested in return.

"You're the only one I wouldn't die for!" Kenny stated, taking a moment to think about what he just said, "That didn't come out right."

"I'm serious! I can't stand seeing you in pain, from the moment I first killed you, seeing you bleed out on the gym floor like that, it was the most excruciating thing I've ever experienced, knowing I put you through that!" Wendy recalled, playing back the scene in her mind as tears rolled down her face, "Just promise me you won't die ever again." the girl pleaded.

Kenny wiped the tears from his girlfriend's face, "Hey, don't shit talk that death, that's like my third favorite memory. I got the most important thing in my life from that death." he said with a smile as he ran his fingers through her hair, "Tell ya what, I'll promise not to die anymore if you promise to be by my side for the rest of my life, deal?" the boy offered, 'Fuck, that would've been perfect if I had the ring.' he thought, imagining himself pulling it out of his pocket and proposing to her right there. Oh well, he'll think of something else when the time comes, that's gonna be hard to top though.

"DEAL!" Wendy accepted without hesitation before returning her tongue to its rightful place in the oasis behind her boyfriend's teeth.

Before they knew it, Kenny's shirt was off and Wendy's bra was unhooked, it was at the point when she looked up and saw a homeless guy staring into their window that she decided the IHOP parking lot probably wasn't the best location for a passionate scene of intense lovemaking. "Kenny, motel." she said, trying to catch her breath.

"Right, motel good." he agreed, panting even harder as he struggled to get the key into the ignition… Not like in the sex way but like in the literal way.

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Kenny stood in the motel bathroom, checking his texts as he brushed his teeth with Wendy's toothbrush, his own lying forgotten back in South Park, "Just clean it off when you're done. Do you know how much bacteria can grow in the human mouth?" she asked.

The boy rolled his eyes, "Didn't seem like that much of a problem a few minutes ago when you were licking my tonsils." he reminded, spitting out the mint-flavored foam and cleaning the brush before returning it to the plastic bag it was packed in.

Now, Wendy knew her boyfriend had no interest in sports of any kind, but it was pretty clear to her that Kenny could be a star track runner if she stood by the finish line in a bikini. Seriously, it didn't take even a second for him to run back in and tackle her to the bed, "A-Ah, Kenny!" she gasped as the boy sucked on her neck, "You brought a condom, right?" she questioned, cautious as ever.

The boy nearly cried, "Aren't you on the pill?" he questioned.

"You know I'm not on the pill." the girl answered.

"FUUUUUUUCK!" Kenny screamed in lament, looking at the door with an idea, "I'll be right back!" he assured before rushing outside. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" he repeated before smacking on the room next door.

"We don't need housekeeping, fuck off!" a voice shouted from inside.

"Dude, it's an emergency! You got an extra rubber I can buy?!" he questioned.

"You came to a motel without a rubber? What the fuck's wrong with you?!" the man inside questioned.

"I DIDN'T PLAN THIS FAR AHEAD, DO YOU HAVE A RUBBER OR NOT!?" the boy repeated.

"Sorry man, I'm on the pill." a female voice explained from inside.

"FUCK! Lucky bastard." Kenny lamented, "Thanks anyway, have a good night."

"Oh trust me, I will dude!" the man stated, "Good luck!"

Kenny rushed to the other neighboring door, smacking on it as though it were his girlfriend's ass THAT HE COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT, 'FUCK! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!' he mentally screamed.

The door opened within a moment, "Hello?" the suited man inside answered.

"Dude, I need a rubber, a rubber, my kingdom for a rubber!" he hastily explained, holding out his wallet with intent to pay the man his entire fortune of twenty bucks, an old joint, and a condom for just one… "Wait…" Kenny pulled the rubber out of his wallet, unexpired, unbroken, "Unbelievable. Shit, sorry to bug ya dude, I guess I kinda forgot I keep one in here."

"You really shouldn't keep them in there you know. that's a good way to break them if you're not careful." the man in black explained, "Keep a box in your truck's glove compartment so you'll always have them on hand, this will come up again." he advised before shutting the door.

"Fuck yeah." the boy celebrated with a grin, but the blood from his cock was quickly draining, and once that blood finally circulated back to his brain, a question entered his head 'How'd he know I drive a truck?'. That got him thinking, the black suit, the deep voice, he's seen that dude somewhere, he'd seen that dude earlier that night 'That was the dude I ran into at IHOP.' he recalled, pulling out his phone to reread the text he'd gotten from Bebe.

'There's two creepy guys in Benny's talking about you, they're wearing black suits and calling you a threat to humanity that needs to be contained. What's up with that?'

It was at this point Kenny realized he needed to get the fuck out of there as quick as humanly possible. He rushed back into his room to be greeted by his girlfriend.

"Did you find a condom?" she asked.

Kenny made his way over to the bed, grabbing the pen and notepad from the nightstand, writing something down on it as he spoke. "Uh, yeah, yeah I did. But uh, ya know, it was in my wallet and it might break. I was thinking maybe I could go in raw and pull out?"

"What? Kenny, you know that's not going to work for me! That is so risky, I can't believe you'd even think I'd agree to that!" his girlfriend lectured.

"Yeah, I get it, I just think it'd be a good idea, ya know." he explained, handing over the paper.

Wendy silently read the message that said, 'I think we're being listened to, we've gotta get out of here.'

"I could just pull out as fast as possible." the boy emphasized.

"Maybe…" she agreed, grabbing the TV remote, "But maybe we should think it through first." she stated, turning on the porn channel, "Maybe we should try going through the back?" she suggested, gesturing toward the bathroom window.

Kenny smiled at the girl's plan, "I love you so fucking much." he stated as Wendy rented a random porno and cranked up the volume.

The pair rushed out through the window as the movie projected the sounds of loud intense fucking throughout the room, the only other sound being the guy in the room next door shouting "Fuck yeah dude! I knew you'd figure it out!"

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Kenny and Wendy ran out to the truck, the boy preparing to climb inside before his girlfriend stopped him, "Wait!" she quietly demanded before feeling the area around the tires.

"What are you-"

"Knew it!" she whispered, pulling a GPS tracker off the truck's undercarriage. Wendy looked up at the road to see another truck driving in the opposite direction of where they needed to go and handed the tracker to her boyfriend, "I'll distract this guy, you put it in the back of his truck." she instructed before adjusting her tits and walking up to the road, flagging the guy down.

"What's up dude?" the man questioned, his attention almost completely focused on an area that would get him slapped under any other circumstance, "You've got maple syrup on your tit."

Wendy looked down to see that he was right before brushing it off, "Hi, I'm like, sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering how far the nearest gas station is? I'm really thirsty and I don't want to wake up my boyfriend to drive me around to find one." she lied, glancing over to see Kenny crouched behind the truck, shooting her a thumbs up.

"Oh shit man, I know this one place back that way." the guy said, pointing back the way he came, "Sometimes I score really good shit from these two dudes that hang out in the parking lot. It's not far but I can give you a ride if you want."

Wendy examined the guy, he had long hair and stunk of weed, beer, and cigarettes, _and as tempting as his offer was_, she already had a cute stoner dirtbag to make passes at her while he drove her around, "Aw, that's so sweet of you. But it's such a nice night I think I'd rather walk." she explained before giving the man a hug through the window, "Thanks again!"

The man drove off into the night with the tracker in the back of his vehicle while Wendy walked back to Kenny's truck. All her boyfriend could do was replay the whole scene in his mind as she approached him, "Dude, you are so fucking hot when you're in the zone like that."

The girl rolled her eyes, "Come on, let's get the hell out of here." she stated, hopping behind the wheel as Kenny climbed into the passenger seat.

"How did you even know?" the boy questioned.

"While you were reading romance novels, I was reading spy books." she explained simply before slowly pulling out of the motel parking lot and slamming the gas once she was on the road.

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"Any updates Carter?"

"Nothing Jones." Carter answered, a pair of headphones around his ears so he could listen to the loud screwing going on in the room next door, "Still going at it like animals." he reported. "I don't get it, why don't we just go in there and literally catch him with his pants down?" the agent questioned.

"Well it's very simple, you fucking noob. The Foundation finds that entities tend to be harder to research when they know they're being examined, especially ones as human-like as this. We don't know what he's capable of or what sort of powers he may be hiding, all we know is that he's somehow linked with the Old Ones. If he is capable of some superhuman abilities then it's important we know about them before we try to contain him."

"I guess that makes sense." Agent Carter said with a nod as he continued to listen in on the two young lovers, "Ya know, this sounds kind of familiar." the man pondered.

"You make a habit of listening to teenagers bang?" Agent Jones questioned with a smirk.

"Of course not, don't be creepy." the other agent assured, "There's just something about the way she calls him 'step-brother' that sounds just like…" Carter's eyes widened in realization as he stormed out of the room, looking at the spot where their truck was to find it was no longer there, "DAMMIT! They're onto us!" he shouted in anger.

Jones stepped out of the room to see the source of his partner's distress, "Shit, I'll check the GPS, they couldn't have gotten far." he stated, making his way back into the room.

Carter shook his head in frustration, "Whatever this kid is, he's crafty."

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It was Valentines day at South Park Preschool and a young Wendy Testaburger sat at her table, putting the finishing touches on a note she'd been making for the boy in the orange coat she met on the playground. It was cute, well thought out, and coated with stickers and glitter, a grand presentation for a simple message that said "I really like you.", short sweet and to the point.

Once it was finished, the girl signed her name with a little heart and looked over to the table where the boy sat, it was empty, he and his friends not having shown up yet. Wendy rushed over and placed the note on the table, excited for what was to come when he saw it.

A few minutes passed and the boys entered the classroom, "I'm telling you guys, it's this cool game my cousin taught me called Fireman, it's really cool!" a young Eric Cartman explained as he, Kenny, Stan, Kyle, and Trent all sat down at the table.

Within a moment, one of the boys spotted Wendy's note and picked it up, his eyes widening in disbelief "Holy crap guys! The purple hat girl likes me!" the boy exclaimed… Unfortunately, it wasn't the boy it was meant for.

Kenny watched as Stan celebrated, he was happy for his friend, he really was, but he couldn't help but feel like absolute shit as he tightened the strings of his hood and sunk in his chair, only to feel a hard punch on his left arm, "Ow! What the heck dude?" he questioned his assailant.

"What do you mean what the heck?!" Trent countered, "Aren't you gonna say anything? Do anything?!"

The other boy shook his head, "I uh… I don't know what you mean."

Trent scoffed, "_Yeah, sure __ya don't_." he sarcastically said, "You're gonna tell that girl how ya feel today even if I've gotta twist your arm until ya do." the boy threatened before walking away.

Kenny just sat where he was, staring at the girl he had a crush on while Kyle and Cartman talked about how they'd go about starting a fire. But here's the weird thing, he wasn't looking through his own eyes, he was watching himself through the eyes of someone else, someone older who'd seen this all before because he'd lived it all before, someone who knew how this would all turn out. Kenny approached his younger self and kneeled down to talk into his ear, "Don't cry dude, you'll get her someday. It's gonna take a long fuckin' time to happen, but you're gonna marry that girl someday, I promise." he assured.

While he couldn't see it through the hood, Kenny could tell the boy was starting to smile, the word "Kickass." being quietly muffled from behind his hood.

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Kenny was awoken from his dream when the truck hit a bump, he took note of his surroundings to find he was lying across the seat, his feet pressed against the passenger's window and his head rested in Wendy's lap, "Fuck I love the smell of fresh pussy in the morning." the boy sleepily noted before sitting up, "Wait, have you been driving all night?"

"Yeah." she tiredly affirmed, "There's a gas station up here, we can refuel and…" the girl interrupted herself with a yawn, "And switch off."

"Holy shit dude, you've gotta be exhausted!" he noted.

"I am." the girl stated, struggling to keep her eyes opened as she pulled into the gas station and parked in front of the tank.

Kenny shook his head in disbelief before kissing his girlfriend, "Get some rest angel, you've earned it." he stated, to which she just moaned as the boy exited the truck. Kenny made his way across the parking lot and into the convenience store, grabbing a few energy drinks, a bag of pixie sticks, a few Slim Jims, and some weird vegan chips that Wendy likes before making his way to the counter. "Hey, I'm looking to fill up my gas tank." he requested.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!" the man at the counter furiously questioned, "What makes you think I'd wanna fill you up with anything?!" he added.

It was at this point that Kenny realized he'd seen this man before, "Tom Cruise?"

The man nodded, "That's right, totally hetero-sexual actor and Scientologist, Tom Cruise! What of it?!"

"Uh, nothing dude, it's just…"

"WHAT?!"

"I'm… I'm pretty sure me and my friends killed you when we were kids." Kenny explained.

Tom Cruise's eyes narrowed at the boy, "You weren't that little shit that called me a fudge packer, were you?"

Kenny shook his head, "No, that was Stan, I was the kid in the orange coat."

The man looked at Kenny with a thoughtful expression, "I don't remember you." he bluntly stated.

The boy sighed, "It's cool, nobody ever does." he stated, "So what gives? What are you doing alive and working in a gas station?"

Tom Cruise sighed, "I'm working in a gas station because everyone thinks I'm dead, _thanks for that_." he explained.

"But you were dead, right?" Kenny asked.

"Yeah. The Church of Scientology has ways of fixing that." he explained, "What? You said you were there when I died, right? You saw all the crazy shit that went down, does someone coming back from the dead really surprise you that much?"

"Dude, you have no idea how much that doesn't surprise me." the boy answered, "So, ring me up?"

"Alright." Tom Cruise agreed, listing off the items as he rung them up "Energy drinks."

"_Gotta have those sweet cans of power__. __You like power cans Tom?_" the boy asked.

"Pixie sticks."

"_I'll bet you just love those fairy sticks, right?_"

Tom Cruise did his best to ignore the remarks as he continued, "Slim Jims."

"_Salty meat logs, I can't get enough of 'em, __how 'bout you__?_"

The man kept professional as he ran up the last item, "And a bag of chips."

"_Hey, careful you don't handle the bag too hard._" Kenny warned.

Tom Cruise sighed as he finished his job, "And ten gallons on tank 2. Will that be all?"

Kenny thought for a moment before speaking, "You're fuckin' gay." he stated with a laugh, tossing the money on the counter and snatching his bag before running out the door.

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD! I'M GONNA FUCKING SUE YOU SO HARD, JUST YOU WAIT!" the man shouted, laying his head on the counter once he was alone, "I miss my closet, it's safe in the closet, no one ever makes fun of me in the closet."

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Stan Marsh walked past the railroad tracks, noting the familiar territory that he hadn't approached in months. Still, the muscle memory that he'd known since he was just a child carried him to the house of someone he'd once considered a great friend, he walked toward the door of the McCormick household, knocking on it, the doorbell having been broken for as long as he could remember.

The door opened a moment later, Kenny's younger sister greeting the boy with what he recognized as a mock face of helplessness, "My daddy's gonna pay the bills as soon as he can, please don't toss us out on the-" Karen ceased her act when she saw who was actually at the door, "Stan?" she questioned.

The boy laughed, "Hey Karen, how's it going?" the boy asked.

"Uh… Good, it's going real good." she answered, "What's up?"

"Not much. Is Kenny home? I wanna talk to him." the boy stated.

"Talk to him?" the girl questioned with a skeptical look, "Last time you wanted to talk to him you threw a brick at his face." she reminded.

Stan cringed at the memory, "Yeah… That was… I…" the boy took a deep breath to collect himself, "That's kind of why I wanna see him." he stated, "I- I just really need to talk to him right now. Do you know where he is?"

Karen took note of the boy's composure, it wasn't malevolent, he wasn't here for a fight, there was something about him that looked… Honest? Maybe even remorseful? He was there to talk, that much was obvious, it was just unfortunate that the one he was there to speak with was somewhere she really couldn't pinpoint at the moment. "He's not here, him and Wendy are on their way to Massachusetts right now." the girl explained.

Stan gave a semi-confused look before understanding completely, "It's about his nightmares, isn't it?" he presumed. Karen nodded and the boy laughed, "Shit, maybe we should've heard him out. That sounds exactly like something we should all be there for." the boy noted with a sigh, "Can you do me a favor? Just tell him I was here and I wanna talk to him when he comes back, please?" Stan requested.

Karen nodded, "Alright, I can do that." she agreed.

Stan smiled, "Thanks Karen… It was nice talking to you, you know you were always like a sister to all of us." he noted before walking away, "Later."

"Later." the girl stated before shutting the door, "Fuck, I thought we finally got rid of those idiots!"

The girl made her way back to her room, entering the door just in time to hear her phone buzz. She checked the device to see a text from Henrietta that said, "We've got everything we need. Come over tonight."

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Kenny was downing about five pixie sticks at once when he saw the sign that said "Welcome to Innsmouth Massachusetts" his eyes widening at the sight as he shook his girlfriend awake, "Wends, wake up!" he said.

"Wha- Huh? What's up?" she questioned as she rejoined the world of the living.

"We're here." the boy stated, pulling into a random lot that said 'Free parking'. Kenny got out of his truck and breathed in the salty air paired the stench of rotting wood, a smell that he'd never before known yet knew all too well at the same time, "This is it." he affirmed, "This is the place from my nightmares."

Wendy smiled as she exited the truck to join him, "So, you ready to go find some answers?" she asked.

Kenny nodded, "You bet your sweet little ass I am." he answered, holding her to his side as they began walking the streets of the odd town.

Wendy watched her boyfriend's face, how he was absolutely enamored with their surroundings, a look that combined wonder and dread overcame his features as he navigated the town he seemed to know like the back of his hand, "Everything you thought it would be?" she asked.

The boy nodded, "To a fuckin' T." he stated, looking around every corner in disbelief, he looked down to his feet, instinctively dodging a dead rat on the sidewalk, "Even the freakin' roadkill's right where I remember it." he noted.

"What about the bar from the painting?" Wendy questioned, their mission being her top priority.

"Right up the street and around the next corner." the boy stated from memory.

The pair made their way up the sidewalk, following Kenny's directions until they were right in front of Innsmouth Tavern, "This is incredible." Wendy stated with an awed look.

"Right?" the boy agreed, an equally disbelieving look on his own face.

"So, you wanna go in?" Wendy asked.

"I mean, if there's answers, this has gotta be the place to find 'em, right?" he questioned with a shrug.

Kenny and Wendy entered the establishment and sat down at the bar, "What can I get for ya?" the bartender asked.

"Two beers please." Kenny answered, flashing his license. The bartender looked at the ID with a satisfied nod before pouring the drinks.

Wendy, confused at why her underage boyfriend was able to so easily order drinks in a bar, quickly snatched the boy's wallet, "Kevin McCormick?" she questioned in a whisper, "You stole your brother's license?!"

"No, just his identity." Kenny assured, "Look, I've been the family's designated driver since I was twelve, I kinda need a license." he explained, "Don't give me that look, I'll get my own on my birthday."

"On your… Are you fifteen?!" the girl questioned.

"_You sound disappointed, __didn't know you were so into older men._" he said with a smirk as he reacquired his wallet and returned it to his pocket as their drinks showed up.

Wendy didn't have time to further question her boyfriend about his age or the fact that he had apparently driven halfway across the country with a fake license, as they were soon interrupted by an unexpected visitor, "Excuse me, has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Kenny McCormick, writer of 1,001 Dirty Haikus and 1,001 Dirty Sonnets?" a voice asked from behind him.

Kenny turned around to note that the intruder was very familiar in his own right, "Yeah, that's me." he answered, "Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like international rap superstar and gay fish Kanye West?"

The man shook his head, "Recovered gay fish." he corrected, "And yes they have, because I am." he revealed, "Man, first of all, I just wanna say I love your books, my beautiful wife Kim reads them to me every night, I can't fall asleep without 'em, you've gotta be like, the me of Dirty poetry."

Kenny laughed, "Well thanks Kanye, that means a lot to me." he stated.

"Well I just want you to know that-" Kanye stopped himself when he got a good look at Wendy, "I'm sorry, have we met before?" he questioned in a slightly irate tone.

"Uh… No?" the girl lied, knowing that she and the rapper were likely not on good terms after their previous encounter when she was ten.

"Somethin' about you looks real familiar, and I don't like it." he noted before turning to Kenny, "This yo bitch?" he asked.

Kenny bit his lip and pushed back the urge to punch the man right on the spot, "She's my girlfriend, and I'm gonna ask you nicely not to call her a bitch." he calmly stated.

"Alright, alright, I get it." Kanye West relented, "Hey, you wanna go move over to my table? Maybe get some PRIVACY FROM ALL THESE PEOPLE LISTENIN' IN?" he loudly asked.

Kenny and Wendy looked around to note that there was no one in the establishment aside from Kanye West, the bartender, and them. "Uh… Sure." Kenny agreed before the three of them moved to a table in a dark corner of the bar.

"Alright, now that we're alone, what is it you're doin' here Kenny McCormick?" Kanye asked, "I mean, you've got your not-as-beautiful-as-my-wife-Kim-Kardashian-but-still-a-solid-eight girlfriend here. So what? You tryna swing?" he questioned.

"Wait… What?" Kenny asked.

"What do you mean, what?" the older man questioned, "Every sea-lovin' player alive knows that you only come to Innsmouth to breed with the Deep Honeys." he explained.

"The… Deep Honeys?" Wendy questioned.

Kanye rolled his eyes, "You know, the Followers of Dagon, the Deep Ones, the Fish People of Innsmouth?"

"The Fish- You know about the Fish People?!" Kenny excitingly questioned.

"Of course I know about the Fish People, I've spent enough time in the ocean to know about every fish, mammal, and everything in between that's in there." Kanye West explained, "See, I learned about the Deep Ones while researching for my last album, Dagon is King, now available on iTunes and Spotify." he plugged, "See, the Deep Ones are an ocean-dwelling race of humanoid fish people with the ability to breed with humans. Naturally, as a lover of hetero-sexual lady-fish, this caught my interest, so with the blessing of my wife Kim, I came down here to try and produce an immortal fish offspring who I have already decided to name Gil West."

"Ha, I get it." Kenny said before getting back to business, "So what? These fish dicks are just out in the ocean waiting for some dude to screw with?"

"First of all, please do not mention fish sticks in front of me, that is a very touchy subject for me. Second, nah, they've got a whole civilization all across the ocean floor, there's one city right off the coast that I can't pronounce the name of, that's where I'm headed right now."

"Aren't you afraid of drowning?" Wendy questioned.

"I can hold my breath a really long time, wanna time me?" Kanye challenged.

"No thanks." Wendy said.

"Do it!" Kenny said at the same time, pulling out his phone and clicking the stopwatch app as the international rap superstar held his breath.

"Kenny!" his girlfriend scolded.

"Fuck, right, sorry." the boy apologized, putting his phone away. "Anyway, I know this might be a weird question but…"

"What is it Kenny McCormick? You want my autograph or somethin'? 'Cause I don't just give out autographs like that." Kanye stated.

"No, it's not that." Kenny expressed.

"Why not? You sayin' you don't want my autograph? You know how many people would kill for my autograph?"

"No, this has nothing to do with your autograph." the boy reiterated.

"Well I'm gonna give you my autograph anyway, just 'cause we're tight." Kanye West stated before writing his name on a napkin.

"Look, since you know so much about this place, I was wondering if you knew about any connection it might have with Cthulhu!" Kenny explained, surprising Kanye enough to stop him from writing mid-autograph.

"Shhhhhut the fuck up!" the rapper commanded, looking around in a paranoid manner, "You wanna get us all killed?!" he whispered. "Listen Kenny McCormick and Kenny McCormick's girlfriend, if I was you two, then I'd stop askin' questions right now, get in your car, and go back to wherever it is you came from. You're lookin' into somethin' you've got no business lookin' into and it's only gonna end-…" Kanye got one more good look at Wendy before something clicked in his mind, "OH HELL NAH! YOU'RE THAT LITTLE JELLY BITCH THAT CALLED MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE KIM A HOBBIT!" he shouted, any prior train of thought being completely derailed now, "HERE I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FRIENDLY MEETING BETWEEN THE TWO GREATEST MINDS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, BUT NAH! YA KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU KENNY McCORMICK! FUCK YOU AND ALL YOUR DIRTY POEMS, I'M OUT!" the rapper tiraded as he exited the bar, leaving behind his pen and a napkin that had "Kanye We" written on it.

The pair sat in silence for a moment before looking at each other, "Can you name one celebrity that doesn't hate one of us?" Wendy questioned.

Kenny thought about it for a moment, "Does Charles Manson count as a celebrity?" he questioned.

The girl looked at her boyfriend for any sign that he was joking, "Oh fuck, you're serious."

"Why shouldn't I be?" he asked, dropping a few bucks for their drinks as they got up from the table, "He's a pretty cool guy once you get to know him. I'll introduce you next time we're in Hell."

Wendy shook her head, "I… You know what? Fine, sounds fun." she relented with a sigh. "We've got bigger fish to fry anyway."

"That was fucking horrible. I love it." the boy stated with a grin as they exited the bar.

The moment Kenny and Wendy were out in the sunlight, they were immediately jumped by a group of men, "HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU PERVERT!" Wendy shouted before kicking one of the guys in the knee and macing another in the eyes, eliciting a scream of pain.

Kenny meanwhile was trying for a similar tactic, punching one guy in the throat before reaching for his gun… Which he'd forgotten in his rush to leave, 'Fuck!' he mentally cursed. But hey, it's not a problem! What chance do four random thugs stand against the crime fighting power-couple that is Mysterion and Call Girl? Not a damn chance, that's what!

Unfortunately, once the two had gotten loose from their captors' grips, the teens got a better look at the group of thugs, and what they had initially assumed to be a small gang of muggers turned out to be more of a large mob. But how? They've been in town for less than an hour! What could they have possibly done to attract the locals' attention on such a large scale?!

"What the hell do you two think you're doing here?!" one of the townspeople questioned.

"We don't take too kindly to people coming around here, asking a lot of questions." another stated.

As Kenny and Wendy were interrogated they got a more focused look at the denizens of Innsmouth. Many of them had distinctly human features, others… Not so much. A fair percentage of the crowd had huge buggy eyes, pail greenish skin color, and were losing their hair. Perhaps they weren't human, perhaps they were just a little on the inbred side. Whatever the case may be, they sure as fuck didn't look happy, and Kenny wasn't about to stand around waiting to find out if they wanted to kill him or have a pleasant conversation. He had a promise to keep after all, so he found an opening in the crowd, grabbed Wendy by the hand and ran for it.

The mob chased after them as they ran through the grimy streets of the decaying town, rushing past the crumbling houses and boarded up windows. Kenny turned every corner with knowing precision, the whole town mapped out in his mind like he'd lived there his whole life, circling back around to the parking lot where his truck was.

It was weird, everything felt as though it went into slow motion as soon as his vehicle was in sight, the mob behind him, the world around him, they all went quiet, as though he'd gone deaf, the only sound in his world being that of Wendy yelping in shock when she tripped, her hand slipping out of his as she fell to the sidewalk. Kenny's eyes widened in horror as he watched one of the goons grab her by the ankles and begin pulling his girlfriend into the crowd to the soundtrack of her screaming for help, "Oh fuck no." he quietly said to himself as he rushed to grab her by the wrists, trying his best to pull her back.

The boy struggled to keep his grip, it was like the worst game of tug of war where he was up against a whole town of people and the rope was the person in this world he treasured most. "KENNY, LET GO!" the girl shouted, hoping he could at least save himself.

"FUCK YOU, YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER LEAVE ME!" the boy furiously reminded, holding on with all his power, "SATAN! JESUS! ANYBODY! HELP!" he called out in desperation. As it would be, no one was listening because it was within a moment Kenny had lost his grip, falling back on his ass, forced to helplessly watch as his girlfriend was dragged into the crowd, her bloodcurdling scream echoing throughout the street, "WENDY!" he screamed in horror, struggling to get back on his feet and charge the crowd.

He would've fought through every last one of them and scores more just to get to her… But he couldn't, he couldn't even fight through one before he was grabbed by the throat and pressed against a wall. Kenny did his best to kick the vaguely humanoid creature as hard as he could in the balls, but to no avail, "Kick all ya want, there's nothin' down there." it stated.

Kenny looked the thing in the eyes, "Please let her go, do whatever you want to me, kill me, rape me, sacrifice me to some weird god, whatever the hell it is you guys do just do it to me, I don't care, just let her go… Please." he begged with tears in his eyes.

The thing laughed, glancing over at the crowd, "I'd say it's a little late for that by now." it stated, "Don't worry though, you'll be with her in a minute."

The creature would never live to see that minute though, as a loud gunshot sounded and blew his mind across the street, his body dropping to the ground, "NEXT ONE TO TOUCH THAT KID WILL OFFICIALLY BE TAKING CREDIT FOR STARTING AN ALL OUT WAR ON THE SURFACE!" a man shouted.

The people of Innsmouth looked up to see two men in black suits brandishing guns, "I suggest everyone clear the area immediately and start deciding which one of you is both developed enough and brave enough to swim down to Y'ha-nthelei and let Prime Minister Yothga know that you've all majorly fucked up and gotten your order of protection revoked!"

"What?! On what grounds?!" one of the people questioned.

"Inciting violence on two surface-dwellers and damaging Foundation property." one of the agents answered, "Now pack your shit and get out! The town of Innsmouth Massachusetts has officially been condemned and the Pentagon currently has a missile trained on it in case anyone tries to get cute!"

The crowd slowly dispersed, disappearing into the crumbling buildings as the streets became barren once more. "Is there seriously a missile pointed at this place?" Agent Carter questioned, his eyes darting around the sky.

Jones laughed "You kidding? That would've taken a month just to get it approved. Sometimes you've just gotta talk out of your ass." he admitted before holstering his weapon and approaching the stunned teenager leaning up against a wall, "Kenneth McCormick I presume? Damn, you have gotta be one of the toughest skips I've ever had to track down."

Kenny ignored the man, shakily taking a step forward as the other agent lifted his gun, "Stop right where you are! Keep your hands where I can see them and-"

"Chill the fuck out Carter. You're not a cop anymore." Jones scolded, "Look kid, we're not here to hurt you or anything, we're from a top secret organization tasked with tracking down and containing supernatural ent- Hey, where are ya going? This is important. You could be the key to saving the-" the agent stopped when he saw where the boy was headed, "Oh." the man said in an understanding tone.

Kenny dropped to his knees at the sight of the bloody corpse in the middle of the street. He nearly puked at the sight of her slit throat, severed arm, and her body which was ironically gutted like a fish. "Wendy." he said under his breath, his breath shaky and his eyes welling up with tears as he laid his head on her chest… She lied perfectly still without a heartbeat to be found. "No… You can't be dead." the boy denied, "Y- You just can't be." he repeated before bursting out in tears, clutching her limp body tight against his own.

The two agents watched on as the scene unfolded, "What uh… What does protocol say about this?" Carter whispered to his partner.

"I don't know and I don't care." Jones answered as he sat down on the curb and lit a cigarette, "Get comfortable, we're gonna be here a while."

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Karen entered Henrietta's room to find the goth kids standing in a circle with the Necronomicon opened on the floor, "Alright, Karen's here, let's fucking do this!" Pete said, more excited than she'd ever seen him.

"I can't believe it's finally happening. Cthulhu's coming back and it's all because of us!" Michael exclaimed.

"So, you ready to help usher in a new age of darkness?" Henrietta asked.

Karen took a deep breath, "Yeah, let's do this!" she affirmed, trying her best to look just as pumped as her friends. Still, she couldn't shake this bad feeling she had.

The girl was unsettled, and the dark voice in her head saying "The time has come." was doing nothing to reassure her.

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In one of the poorer neighborhoods of a small town in Colorado known as South Park, a sixteen-year-old girl awoke with a jolt in her boyfriend's bed the next morning. Quickly jerking her head around in fear before realizing she was alone, feeling her torso with the arm that she was sure had been ripped off just a moment prior to find that she was no longer cut open. The afflicted areas still hurt a little, but she was fine.

The girl looked around the room she found herself in, the dingy little hole she'd lovingly come to know as a second home. The welcoming haven being a far cry from the twisted cesspool that was Innsmouth Massachusetts.

But… How did she get here? Had she really died? Was it all a dream? Where was Kenny? "What the fuck is going on?" Wendy asked herself.

** A/N: I hope everyone's enjoyed the weekly updates, I know I've enjoyed making them. I'm gonna try my best to stay frequent but I make no promises, most of the last few chapters were typed up before I even started uploading them, I'm currently in the process of starting the next one so if it's out by next Saturday same time as usual… Well I'd say that warrants some fuckin' applause now don't it?!**

** So, good chapter? Bad chapter? Let me know what you think with a review.**


	14. Chapter 13

"**Come up with your own opening quote, I can't think of one right now._"  
-__Me_**

**Chapter 13**

**In which Kenny does a backflip, a freaking backflip dude!**

A dream, that's all it was, a horrible nightmare where she was mangled and butchered by some disgusting race of anthropomorphic fish. She knew it wasn't true but what other explanation was there for how she could have cheated death in the same way she'd seen her boyfriend do time after time before?

She pondered the question as she sat next to Karen on the McCormick family's couch, watching TV with a bowl of knockoff Froot Loops in her lap, "Okay, what's wrong?" the younger girl questioned, breaking Wendy from her thoughts.

"Huh? Nothing's wrong." she assured.

"Bullshit, you've barely said a word all morning and you've haven't even touched your Citrus Circles. What's up?" Karen pried.

Wendy sighed, "You wouldn't get it." she stated, hoping to get off the subject.

The younger girl rolled her eyes at the idiotic response, "I don't get how two people can be exact opposites and so alike at the same time." she expressed.

"What? Who?" Wendy inquired.

"You and Kenny! Whenever he doesn't wanna talk about something he just says I 'wouldn't get it' and whenever I keep asking he just feeds me that stupid joke about dying and coming back to life." Karen explained.

Wendy sighed, "It's not a joke, he does die and come back to life, and I just found out I do too, that's what's bothering me." she stated.

Karen laughed and rolled her eyes, "You guys suck." she remarked, returning to a state of comfortable silence while they watched reruns of Terrance and Philip, "I ship that one girl with Philip" she mentioned offhand.

The older girl considered the thought and how it didn't really make any sense, "Why? They've never even spoken to each other." she noted.

Karen shrugged, "Yeah, but there's something there, I can feel it." she expressed.

"Wait, aren't Terrance and Philip a gay couple?" Wendy questioned.

"No, they're… Wait, I always thought they were brothers." the younger girl expressed.

"They aren't… Both… Are they? Is incest legal in Canada?"

"No, I just checked the other day." Karen answered.

"Oh." Wendy remarked before thinking about the implication of that statement, "Wait, why?"

Before the younger girl could think of a lie, the barrage of mediocre fart jokes on the TV was cut off by what sounded like a tornado siren played over a graphic that said "Global Catastrophe" followed by a live feed of the president eating a plate of waffles and bickering with someone off camera, "I don't give a shit if we are in a state of emergency right now! This cut into my breakfast!"

"President Garrison, you need to be a beacon of hope for the people right now!"

"Fuck the people, I'm starving!" he proclaimed before taking a bite of food.

"Mr. President, we're on the air." a woman behind the camera informed.

"Oh shit, that's gonna be trendin' on Twitter in about five minutes." the president stated with a full mouth before swallowing and clearing his throat, "My fellow Americans, my scientific advisers have just informed me of a massive… CAN YOU SLOW DOWN THAT FUCKIN' TELEPROMPTER?!"

"Sorry Mr. President." someone off camera apologized.

"Alright, that's better, shit was goin' a hundred miles an hour, who the hell can read that fast?!" President Garrison complained before returning to his speech, "A massive unidentified humanoid object emerging from the Pacific Ocean… Oh for fucks sake, it's identified! I looked at that picture and identified it in a second, it's fuckin' Cthulhu!"

"We can't say for sure yet." someone whispered from off camera.

"Gimme the photo."

"President Gar-"

"NOW!" the president demanded before he was handed a folder marked 'classified', Garrison then pulled out a satellite photo of an enormous green mass wading through the ocean, holding it up to the camera, "That's fuckin' Cthulhu! He's back, he's probably pissed, and he's headed right for us! Now, I don't know if you all remember what happened last time Cthulhu was awoken, but it ended with him being taken out by some super-powered alien kid who hasn't been seen since, and unless anyone knows someone else that fits that description THEN THE DOOMSDAY CLOCK JUST HIT MIDNIGHT! Kiss your asses goodbye, the shit has hit the fan and we're all fucked up the holes!" he shouted before picking up his breakfast and walking away.

"Mr. President, where are you going?!" someone asked.

"I'm gonna go finish my waffles on the shitter where you assholes can't bother me!"

An official looking executive walked in front of the camera with a horrified look on his face, "We- Uh… We're gonna go talk to him, see if we can figure something out. Until then, you can go back to your regularly scheduled programming." he said before the camera cut out.

Wendy and Karen stared at the screen in horror, "I can't believe this is happening." Wendy stated.

"I can't believe it actually worked." Karen said.

Wendy's expression went from one of horror to confusion as she looked at the girl next to her, "What worked?"

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Kenny sat at a table in a plain white room, on the other side of the table sat the… Government agent? He didn't know what this guy was, he was willing to bet he didn't even know his real name, all he knew was that he went by Agent Jones and he had a laundry list of questions to ask. Kenny was barely paying attention though, his mind was elsewhere.

The teenager had been reflecting on his life, everything that led up to this moment, anything to keep his mind off of Wendy's mutilated corpse. He thought back to where he supposed it all started, the first day of preschool, the moment Kenny first learned the rules of death didn't apply to him. Cartman Jumped off the swingset right onto his back, bludgeoning him with a rock when he fell to the ground. Kenny woke up the next morning with a headache and when nobody said anything at school he just assumed it was a bad dream.

The second time he died was at the age of seven when he was caught in the crossfire of an epic battle between Jesus and Santa. He woke up the morning after that thinking it was just another dream, a theory that was quickly shot to pieces when everyone in school was talking about the incredible events of the day prior.

The third time was when he was eight, shot to death by aliens. This was the point he was absolutely sure he was immortal, and with that certainty it seemed came a string of bad luck that would follow him for a long fucking time. There was a period of his life that Kenny was dying every single week, each death more painful than the last. It sucked but he got used to it, he expected it, like a tired overplayed bit. What he didn't expect was finding someone to live for, and now that she was gone he'd never wanted to stay dead more in his life. 'She probably just got to Hell.' he noted to himself with a sigh, wishing he was there so they could walk that road together.

"Kenny!" Agent Jones called out to him from the other side of the table he was sitting at, gaining the boy's attention, "Did you hear me?" he asked.

Kenny nodded, "My aliases are Krazy Kenny, El Pollo Loco, the Great Keanu, Princess Kenni spelled with an I, and Mysterion." he listed, not really giving a shit if his secret identity was blown.

"Mysterion…" the man repeated as he wrote it down, "I had a feeling you were linked with that somehow." he noted, "Now, we're getting to the fun part, what's your link to the Old Gods?"

Kenny thought about it for a moment before answering, "My parent's got wasted and joined a cult before I was born and somehow through that I kinda became the illegitimate lovechild of Cthulhu." he explained, it wasn't a lie in the sense that he's pretty sure that's how it happened. In reality, he didn't know if he was Cthulhu's son, nephew, second cousin, or anything like that, all he knew was there was dark blood in his veins, and that's good enough for him.

"Wow, so you're pretty much Eldritch Jesus." Jones noted.

Kenny thought about it for a minute, he came from the union of man and god, he dies and comes back, people line up to see him do crazy tricks, he'd never really considered it before but "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Kickass." the agent said, "Alright, now for the important one, do you have any special abilities, powers, anything at all that sets you apart from a normal human?"

The boy thought about it, he thought back to his dreams, particularly the one where he was strapped down to an operating table… Could he really trust this guy with his greatest secret? "Yeah, one." he answered.

The man's eyes widened in excitement, "What is it?"

Kenny took a deep breath before answering, "I'm gonna need salt and a lime to show you."

Jones was skeptical but decided to play along, picking up his radio and pressing the button, "Do we have a salt shaker and a lime on base?" he asked, waiting a moment for an answer.

After a moment, someone radioed in, "Be right there."

Another moment passed before Agent Carter came in with the required items, placing them on the table, "Let's see it." he requested.

With a bored sigh, Kenny poured the salt out on the table, lining it up as though it were cocaine and snorting it before biting open the lime and spraying the juice directly into his eyeballs, he then proceeded to do a backflip off the table and scream "KRAZY KENNY!" at the top of his lungs. "That'll be fifty bucks." he requested in an emotionless monotone.

The two agents watched in horror, amazement, and confusion, "High pain tolerance." Jones questionably assumed as he wrote it down in Kenny's file.

"Jones, are we sure this is the right kid?" Carter asked, "I mean, look at him! Does he look like an SCP to you?!" he questioned, in turn hopefully answering like half the reviews I got on the last few chapters.

"He said he's the bastard lovechild of Cthulhu." Jones stated.

"I can say that, it doesn't make it true!" the other agent countered, "What do you think, dissection?"

"I don't want it to come from that, he's been through enough already!"

"HE JUST SNORTED HALF A SALT SHAKER AND SQUEEZED A LIME IN HIS EYES! I THINK HE CAN TAKE GETTING CUT OPEN!" Carter argued.

Jones turned to the boy with a hopeful look, "Look kid, if you're holding anything out on us then you need to spill it right now before the Foundation makes us take drastic measures."

Kenny thought about it for a minute, he certainly didn't want to be dissected, but he needed to find a way out of this, fast. "ALRIGHT! There's… One other thing I didn't mention." he admitted.

Jones readied his pen, "Let's hear it."

The boy took a deep breath, "I'm immortal, like, I can't die. Every time I should die, I don't, I just bounce back like nothing happened."

The agent wrote all this down in his file, "Now that's the kinda thing I'm talking about." he stated.

Carter on the other hand, was a little more skeptical, "How do we know you're not lying to us just so you won't be dissected?" he questioned.

"Want me to prove it? Gimme your gun!" Kenny requested.

"What? Fuck no! What if you try something?!" Carter asked.

"Easy, just have Jones ready to shoot me if I do." the boy explained.

"But you just said you couldn't die." Jones reminded.

"Well, how do you know I'm not lying to you just so I won't get dissected?" he countered.

Jones thought about it for a second, "Good point, give him your gun Carter."

"Wha- I… But he…" Carter sighed, "Fine." he relented, placing his gun on the table.

Kenny picked up the weapon and examined it, nodding in approval, "Alright, now just watch." he said with a grin as he pressed it to his temple and pulled the trigger, blowing his brains across the room. The moment his corpse hit the floor, Kenny's file miraculously burst into flames on the table and the camera on the wall that was recording the whole session exploded along with the computer it was hooked up to.

The two agents rushed to put out the fire only to see that it was already gone, a pile of ashes in the spot where it once laid. They looked at each other in confusion, "What the fuck just happened!?" Jones asked.

Carter shook his head, "I don't know!… Do uh, do you know why there's a dead kid on the floor?" he asked in return, gesturing to Kenny's dead body.

"I… I don't remember." Jones stated in confusion, "So… You wanna get lunch?"

"Aw man, I'd kill for a burger right about now." Carter answered, "Should we… Ya know?" he asked, pointing at Kenny.

The other agent shrugged, "Let the janitor take care of it." he said as they exited the room.

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"What the hell made you think summoning an ancient malevolent deity was a good idea?!" Wendy demanded as she dragged Karen down the sidewalk by the arm, "Did you think it would make you cool, having a hand in destroying the world?"

"I don't know! Henrietta and the guys were all doing it and-" Karen began to explain.

"Oh, so if Henrietta and the guys all shot up heroin and jumped off a bridge would you do that too?!" the older girl questioned.

Karen thought about the question, "How does that have anything to do with summoning Cthulhu?"

"I don't know, that's just what my mom told me whenever I did something stupid out of peer pressure!" Wendy stated, "Of course, when I was your age, that usually entailed staying out after my curfew or drinking a beer, NOT TRIGGERING THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE!"

"I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK!" the younger girl defended.

"Do we live in the same town?! Have you SEEN half the shit that's happened here since we were kids?! Aliens! Giant monster attacks! Demonic entities! Anything weird that can happen either has happened or will happen in South Park! _Hell, why don't we go ask one of our friendly neighbors if he's seen anything weird_!" Wendy suggested before dragging Karen to a nearby house and knocking on the door.

A moment passed before a man with long hair wearing a white robe and a crown of thorns answered the door, "Hello?" he greeted.

"_Hey Jesus, we were just in the neighborhood and wanted to know if you've seen anything weird since you first moved here._" the girl expressed.

"Well, it would seem something weird happens around here every week, if I'm being perfectly honest." Jesus answered.

Wendy turned to Karen with a look of fake surprise, "_Did ya hear that __Karen? Our neighbor Jesus Christ, son of God and host of the local public access talk show Jesus and Pals says something weird happens around here __every week_! _ISN'T THAT __SOMETHING?!_" she sarcastically questioned.

"Alright, you made your point! I should've known better than to take the chance." Karen expressed.

"Great! Now let's go talk to your idiot friends about how we're going to stop the complete destruction of the human race!" Wendy said before dragging Karen away.

"Wait! I actually needed to talk to Kea- I mean Kenny." Jesus expressed before they left.

Wendy took a deep breath before turning around, "Well I'd love to help you, I really would, but I haven't seen him since I was torn to pieces by a race of fish people! Maybe you should've come by then when he was calling out for you to help us! _THANKS, BY THE WAY!_ _Good thing I __just happen__ to be immortal or else that could've turned out bad_!" she tiraded before walking off with Karen, leaving the confused messiah behind.

"Uh, Wendy, you just pretty much told Jesus to go fuck himself." Karen pointed out.

"I am not in a good mood today and I honestly don't care who I tell to go fuck themselves." the girl expressed, "It doesn't matter anyway, we're all going to Hell no matter what we do." she explained as they walked to Henrietta's house.

"Shit, that's fuckin' dark, dude." the younger girl noted.

"Not as dark as you think, especially since I'm going to make Satan look like a pussy by comparison when I get a hold of these guys." Wendy expressed before knocking on the goth girl's front door.

The door was answered within a moment by Henrietta's mother, "Oh hello Karen and… Wendy Testaburger? What a pleasant surprise!"

"Hi Mrs. Biggle." Wendy greeted, "Is your daughter home?" she asked.

"Oh, I didn't know you and Henrietta were friends!" the older woman stated, "She's upstairs in her room, I'll go make some cookies for you kids!"

"Thank you Mrs. Biggle." Wendy said with a smile before the woman walked away, her face quickly returning to a frown as she and Karen went upstairs.

Karen knocked on her friend's bedroom door, "Hey, we need to talk about something." she vaguely expressed, the door quickly opened to reveal Henrietta with an uncharacteristic smile on her face, a smile that quickly went away when she saw Wendy alongside the younger girl.

"YOU GUYS SUMMONED CTHULHU TO PLUNGE THE WORLD INTO AN AGE OF UNSPEAKABLE DARKNESS?!" she accused.

Henrietta turned to Karen with a bored look, "Out of all the people you could've told, you told Wendy?" she questioned.

"Hey! You're not talking to her, you're talking to me right now!" Wendy reminded, "What the fuck is wrong with you guys?!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Henrietta demanded, "Who do you think you are to come into my house and give me shit for my hobbies?!"

"I'm half of this town's fucking crime fighting power couple, and if I see there's people in danger then you can bet your ass I'm going out of my way to protect them, bitch!" Wendy viciously reminded.

"_Oh wow, I guess I forgot I was dealing with __BATMAN'S FUCKING GIRLFRIEND! _So what, you and Kenny burn down a few meth labs and all of a sudden you're world's highest authority?"

"Come on guys, calm down!" Karen pleaded.

"You know we wouldn't have even been able to do it if it weren't for him, right? He's the one who gave us the Necronomicon in the first place!" Henrietta stated.

"HE… He what?" Wendy questioned. The goth girl went into her room and pulled out the book, opening the cover to reveal the note on the inside, "'To Michael, From Kenny, Merry Christmas… Reference book'. Of course he stole it from a library." she said in a disappointed tone.

"_Looks like the town's crime fighting power couple's not so innocent after all._" the other girl noted with a grin.

Wendy clenched her fist and took a deep breath, "I suggest you don't get your hopes up too high, because Kenny and I will find a way to stop this before your 'Age of Eternal Darkness' even gets a chance to start." she warned before walking away.

Karen looked between Wendy and Henrietta, "Sorry." she said to the other goth before following Wendy to the door. The younger girl turned to her friend once they were outside, "What are we gonna do?" she questioned.

Wendy took another deep breath to calm herself, "I'm going to the library to research Eldritch beings and start coming up with a plan, you need to go home and wait for your brother. If I know him then he'll be home by tomorrow morning, tell him I'm fine and to meet me at my house so I can explain how. He'll know what you mean." she instructed, "Can you do that for me?"

Karen nodded, "No problem!" she assured. Wendy smiled at the younger girl before walking away.

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Kenny woke up the next morning with a jolt, gasping for air as he took in his surroundings, he awoke in his bedroom as usual, alive and perfectly safe just like every time before… Unfortunately, that was the exact opposite of what he needed to be. "I've gotta get to Hell." he said to himself, quickly rushing out of bed and removing his belt before wrapping it around his neck, the boy unzipped his jeans and grabbed hold of his cock, trying to work it up to at least a half-chub while he found an adequate place to hang himself from, because remember kids, if you die with an erection, you go to Hell, especially if you die from auto-erotic asphyxiation!

Kenny grabbed a chair and lined it up under a sturdy enough looking rafter, hooking the end of his belt to it while furiously jacking off. He was so caught up in the act that he didn't even notice Karen enter the room, "Kenny? What the fuck are you-" she began to question, she was too late to stop him though, having showed up just in time to see his knees buckle, knocking the chair away and snapping his neck as he accidentally blew a hot load right into his sister's face… It's also worth noting that her mouth was open, just in case you had any false hope that I was going to leave this story with any semblance of tact or decency.

Karen stood frozen in a stunned silence, mouth agape as she stared at her brother's hanging corpse, only taking her eyes off him when she heard her father come down the hall, "I heard shoutin', what's hap-" the man cut himself off when he looked in to find his son half-naked and dead along with his daughter's face covered in something he was able to identify within seconds in spite of desperately wishing he couldn't, "I… I uh… I don't think I've got the parenting skills to deal with… Any of this." Stuart expressed before silently walking away.

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Kenny had always enjoyed his entry into Hell whenever he found himself going there, the slow relaxing descent into the unholy abyss, the long walk to the Black Gates that helped him clear his head of the shock from whatever killed him, and especially the warmth of the air, it was really quite pleasant except for the smell that he'd already been used to for years. But for the first time since his first visit (Back before his Catholic beliefs were effectively disproved) he couldn't enjoy the slow descent or the warm air, all he could think about was getting to the gates as fast as he could and finding Wendy, then once they were reunited he'd talk to Satan and find out if he could either bring her back home or make this stay permanent.

Finally, the boy had landed, he rushed to the nearby bus stop that he rarely used and impatiently waited for the next transport into Hell, "Kenny?" he heard a nasally monotonous voice question from beside him.

"Hey Craig." he habitually greeted as he looked around for the bus, it took a moment before he realized who he was standing with, "Craig?!" he asked, before turning to look at the other boy, "What the fuck are you doing here?!"

"You first." Craig insisted.

"I auto erotic asphyxiated myself so I could be with Wendy." the boy answered, "Now you!"

"I shot myself so I could be with Tweek." the other boy answered in return.

"Holy shit… Dude, that's so fucked." Kenny expressed.

"Oh what, so it's only okay to kill yourself if you jack off while you're doing it?" Craig asked.

"Hey, I had to jack off when I killed myself, otherwise I would've just woken up tomorrow like it never happened." the boy explained.

Craig rolled his eyes, "You're really gonna keep up that stupid joke even after you actually died?"

Kenny looked him in the eye as he spoke, "For the last time, it's not a joke. I'm immortal, hopefully not for much longer."

The other boy looked at him for a moment before speaking again, "Holy shit, you're serious." he said with just a bit more emotion than usual, "So… What you said about Wendy being dead-"

"Totally true." he answered in a melancholic tone, "She was… Torn to pieces." Kenny explained, his eyes tearing up a bit, "It was all my fault."

Craig watched as Kenny started to break out crying, "Does it really matter who's fault it is though? I mean, it's not like you meant to get her killed, right?" he expressed.

"She would've been so much better off if she never met me. She had such an amazing life ahead of her and I wrecked it." the boy lamented.

Craig put his hand on Kenny's shoulder, "Both those statements are totally true, but… I think I can promise you, even if it's not obvious at first, Wendy's life was a lot better having known you than if you'd never met." he expressed.

"You really think so?" Kenny questioned.

"I have it on reasonably good authority to say you're worth having around." he answered with a small grin.

Kenny smiled back, "Thanks Craig."

It was within that moment that the bus finally pulled up, the doors opening to greet them with a shrill voice screaming "GET ON THE BUS!"

"Hey Ms. Crabtree, you're looking good." Kenny greeted as he and Craig got on.

"SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!" the old woman commanded, "But thank you Kenny, always good to see you down here." she added before closing the door and driving in the direction of the gates of Hell.

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Wendy sat on her bed, intently reading a book on the occult in search of answers. Her concentration remaining completely unbroken right up to the point that she heard a deep voice slur her name.

The girl looked up in surprise before rushing to her nightstand drawer and pulling out Kenny's revolver, "Whoever you are, you picked the wrong fucking house!" she proclaimed.

"I'm not in your house." the voice stated.

It was at this point Wendy realized the sound wasn't coming from any particular direction but rather from within her own head, "Is this who I think it is?" she questioned.

The voice laughed, "You're a lot sharper than the other one."

"What the fuck do you want?!" the girl demanded.

It laughed once again, "I already have what I want, I have risen, and now I'm taking back the world that so rightfully belongs to me. Maybe you can help me decide whether I should exterminate or enslave your people."

"I'm not going to let you do either!" she warned.

The voice of Cthulhu laughed once more, "That's adorable, you actually think you stand a chance of saving your pathetic little race!" he mocked, "Well, I'm sorry to say, but I've laid dead in the house of R'lyeh for years, dreaming of this moment, and if you think you and your half-blood mate are going to stop me, then I can't wait to personally end both of your miserable lives, again, and again, and again, and again." he warned, "Do you still think you can answer the call of Cthulhu?"

"Answering calls is what I do." Wendy stated in a way that sounded considerably less badass than she'd hoped.

"Perhaps I was wrong." Cthulhu pondered, "You might just be even dumber than the other one."

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"You're sure they're gonna be here?" Craig asked as he and Kenny approached the Devil's Hall.

"If they're not then we're at least gonna find someone who knows where they are." Kenny assured as he led Craig inside, "Damien, what's good dude?"

The teenager behind the bar rolled his eyes, "_Oh great, Mr. Sunshine's back._" the Antichrist stated as he prepared Kenny's usual drink.

"Kenneth! So good to see you, I trust all is well!" Pip questioned from a stool in front of the bar.

"No, everything's actually fuckin' horrible." Kenny assured.

"Oh, well that's some piss-poor news now isn't it?" the British teenager noted.

"Piss-poor indeed Mr. Twist." Kenny replied as he sat down.

"Who?" Pip questioned.

Kenny ignored the other boy's question as he addressed Damien, "Hey, you seen a jittery dude that kinda looks like me around here lately?"

Damien gestured toward a booth in the corner, Craig looked over to see that the boy sitting in it was indeed none other than his boyfriend, "Tweek!" he announced, gaining the other boy's attention.

Tweek looked up, shaking like a caffeinated chihuahua, "AH! CRAIG?!" he shouted, jumping from his seat.

The two ran to each other and embraced as Kenny watched on with a smile, 'Maybe some people can have happy endings.' he thought to himself.

Suddenly, two more souls entered the bar, "Aw, you can't go thinkin' like that Satan! Y-you're one hell of a catch! And if he can't see that then w-well, that's just his problem." Kenny heard a familiar voice say.

"Maybe you're right Butters, maybe I should just move on from Tyler and find someone new!" the booming voice of the Prince of Darkness proclaimed.

"That's the spirit, big buddy!" Butters announced.

"Butters!" Kenny shouted, gaining the other boy's attention.

"K-Kenny? J-Jesus Christ! What are you doin' here?!" he questioned, rushing over to hug his friend.

"It's a long story dude. How's Hell been treating you?" the boy asked.

"W-well, it was pretty scary at first, but then Satan told me you and him were pals and I started feelin' a lot better, he's been takin' real good care of me down here. Says I'm like one of the two sons he never had!" Butters explained.

"Yes he has… Repeatedly… Always in front of the one son he did have." Damien grumbled to himself.

"That's great dude, I'm really happy for you!" Kenny expressed, "We'll catch up soon, but for now…" Kenny looked up to Satan with a hopeful expression, "You know why I'm here, big guy. Where is she?"

Satan raised his eyebrow in confusion before asking the last question Kenny wanted to hear, that dirty little question of course being made up of one simple yet dreaded word, "Who?"

The boy's eye twitched slightly in irritation as he became sick to his stomach, "That better not mean what I think it means." he stated, getting up to approach the Prince of Darkness, "It was bad enough when you guys lost Chef, my childhood friend and mentor. Are you seriously about to tell me you lost THE FUCKING LOVE OF MY GODDAMNED LIFE TOO?!" he demanded.

"Kenny I… I'm not sure what you mean." the King of Hell began to defend before the door opened to reveal a tall man in a white robe.

"Ah, there you are!" Jesus noted as he approached Kenny, "We have a lot to discuss Keanu, but first of all… Can you kindly explain why your girlfriend came to my house yesterday and screamed at me?"

Kenny's eyes widened in shock, not believing what he just heard, "She… She's alive?"

** A/N: Don't expect weekly updates to come back just yet, I don't have any more chapters written as of right now but I figured I'd put this one out early since I haven't updated in two months.**


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14  
Callgirl of Cthulhu**

One might find it hard to believe that a nine-year-old kid could single-handedly lead the armies of Heaven to victory in a battle against the forces of Satan, but Kenny McCormick wasn't like most kids, never was and never will be, that's a universal fact. The battle between Heaven and Hell had just ended and he was being escorted through the kingdom of Heaven by Archangel Michael, excited to find out exactly what one gets for winning a Holy War aside from a solid gold statue of Keanu Reeves, 'Oh fuck yeah, here come the seventy-two virgins!' he thought to himself.

"Now, before your prize is revealed to you, I feel it's necessary to warn you that we haven't been completely honest with you." Michael expressed.

"Huh? Oh, I don't really give a shit." the boy expressed, his speech muffled by his hood, "So about that prize?"

"Of course! Right beyond this door is where you will receive what you have so rightfully earned!" the angel stated.

"WOOHOO!" Kenny shouted, unzipping his coat and rushing through the door, "HELLO-" he began to greet, only to cut himself off when he wasn't greeted by three score and twelve naked women with naturally huge tits but rather by the presence of Jesus, Satan, and a darkly dressed boy around his age that seemed vaguely familiar for some reason, "Virgins?"

"He's talking to you, Jesus." Satan said with a laugh.

"Shut up." Jesus requested.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Kenny questioned looking around for his prize, "Where's the seventy-two hot babes?"

Satan burst out laughing, "Oh shit dude, you're gonna be disappointed as fuck when we tell you what you're really here for!"

"Satan, quiet." Jesus ordered before addressing Kenny, "Now Keanu, I can see you're very confused, likely by the presence of the enemy you just supposedly defeated."

"I think he's more confused by the fact that all you're giving him for winning a war is that dumbass statue and a job." Satan noted.

"Satan, that's enough! Why must you always be such an ass!" the messiah questioned.

"I'd rather be an ass than have a stick up it all the time!" the Prince of Darkness countered.

"Oh for fuck sake, can you two stop bickering for ten minutes!" the other boy finally erupted, "They lied, you didn't win a war, it was all a test and you passed, you've now been chosen as Heaven's champion to defend Earth when I decide to claim it! Any questions?"

Kenny looked at the other boy for a moment, "Wait, aren't you that kid who turned me into a platypus that one time? Danny something?"

"Damien Thorn, and yes I am." he answered with a sigh.

Jesus sighed, "I was supposed to be the one to tell him." he noted, "So, what do you think? Are you willing to be the savior of your world and protector of humanity?"

The boy shrugged, "I mean shit, I guess so dude." he answered.

"Fantastic! You won't regret this Keanu, and don't think your bravery will go unrewarded!" Jesus expressed before snapping his fingers, "You'll be resurrected tomorrow morning as you always are, but for tonight, I think you can feel free to enjoy your eternal prize a little early." he said with a grin as a beam of light shined down behind him.

Kenny's eyes widened in excitement as he ran toward the light, only for it to dim and reveal a group of dorky Mormon teenagers, "Hey, you wanna have a Scrabble tournament?" one of them asked.

Kenny turned around, "Where's the virgins?" he asked in disappointment.

"Right there!" Jesus answered with a smile, "Died before they had the chance to be married, and always down for some good clean fun!"

The boy couldn't believe what he was hearing, "But, what about the hot babes with the tight asses and the big boobs?" he questioned.

The messiah laughed, "Who told you all that? No, we don't bother ourselves with sins of the flesh here."

Kenny nearly cried at the thought, "Well then how the hell is this Heaven? I don't wanna spend eternity playing board games with these sweaty losers! I wanna huff paint and set things on fire! Ya know, fun shit!"

"We've got plenty of fire down in Hell." Satan reminded with a grin.

"Paint too, all you can inhale." Damien added.

Kenny looked at Satan and Damien in consideration before dropping to his knees, "You think maybe I can go back with you guys? If you want you can tell me all about your relationship problems just like the last time I was there, just please take me with you!" he begged.

"Keanu, you're meant to be our champion, they are the enemy!" Jesus reminded.

"I mean… yeah, but-" Kenny began to speak.

"Have you ever tried this thing called… Marijuana?" Satan asked with a grin, holding out a green bag.

The boy's eyes widened in exhilaration, "Let's go!" he shouted before he, Satan, and Damien vanished in a burst of flames.

Jesus sighed, "I just put the fate of humanity into the hands of a nine-year-old stoner." he said to himself in disbelief before shaking his head, "I pray this doesn't end badly."

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Karen sat against the wall of Kenny's bedroom, staring at her half-naked brother's hanging corpse in horror as she wiped the mix of tears and seminal fluid from her face. She couldn't believe the horrid scene before her in spite of being so utterly part of it.

The girl could hear a knock at the front door followed by her father letting out a greeting of "Mornin' Wendy." as though all was well and his son wasn't hanging dead in the next room.

"Good morning Mr. McCormick." she heard the older girl say before rushing into the bedroom, "Kenny! We have a serious-" she began to say before laying her eyes upon the gruesome sight in front of her, "Oh you fucking drama-queen." she said with a sigh before approaching the body and punching him in the stomach, knocking him back like a punching bag, "You seriously couldn't wait ten more minutes for me to get here?!"

"Why would he do this?" she heard Karen's soft voice question from the corner of the room.

"It's so he can guarantee he'll go to Hell instead of being resurrected. He's down there looking for me right now, I know it." Wendy explained before groaning in frustration.

"I can't believe he's really gone." the younger girl expressed with a sob.

It was at this point Wendy remembered the grim fact that she was the only one on Earth who knew her boyfriend would be alright. As far as Karen was concerned, her brother was dead and gone, leaving her all alone for some reason she couldn't possibly comprehend. Wendy rushed to the poor girl's side to comfort her the second she came to this realization, "Karen, I'm so sorry you had to see this." she comforted, throwing her arms around the younger girl.

Karen returned the gesture, burying her face in Wendy's shoulder, the older girl couldn't help but notice a familiar smell that came with their close proximity, "Karen, look at me." she requested, pushing her away slightly to see her face, "What the fuck?"

The girl sighed, "I walked in just in time for the money shot." she explained, "It tastes so weird."

"Like someone soaked a joint in black coffee and nicotine?" Wendy assumed.

"Exactly!" the younger girl agreed, "Is it supposed to taste like that?"

"Generally speaking, I don't think so. But for Kenny it's normal." she explained, wiping Karen's face clean with an old t-shirt she grabbed off the floor.

Karen looked back at the body once more and continued to cry, "He can't be gone, he just can't be." she sobbed.

Wendy sighed, "You won't believe me and it won't make you feel any better, but he's not. He'll be back in a week and you won't even remember any of this even happened."

"Can you please explain what the hell that even means?!" the other girl demanded.

"It means he's going to spend a week in Hell getting high and playing video games with the Antichrist and some British kid we allegedly went to elementary school with as soon as he realizes I'm not there. It's like I told you yesterday, he's immortal, he always comes back." Wendy explained in a dead serious tone.

"Do you seriously expect me to believe you?" Karen asked.

"Absolutely not and I'd honestly think you were a little stupid if you did. The only way you'll ever believe it is if you see it for yourself, but you can't, because no one but me can remember when he dies." she explained as she leaned up against the wall next to Karen, both of them staring at Kenny's body for a while.

"This is so fucked." the younger girl expressed.

"I know." the older girl agreed with a sigh, "You know what's even more fucked? I think I fall in love with him just a little more every time it happens."

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Kenny paced the room in confusion, taking drags off a cigarette to calm his nerves from the onslaught of information he was receiving, "And you're absolutely 100% sure it was her, right?"

"For the third time tonight, yes I'm sure." Jesus assured.

"Bullshit, BULLSHIT! YOU'RE LYING!" the boy erupted.

"Uh K-Kenny, I'm p-pretty sure Jesus doesn't lie." Butters interjected.

"Unless that's just what he wants us to think!" Kenny proclaimed, "This is all just some big fuckin' distraction, ain't it?! Is this even Hell or am I still locked up in that freakin' government place and this is all some simulation to keep me occupied while they cut me open?!" he theorized, "PIP! ARE YOU A FUCKIN' SIMULATION?!"

"I don't believe so." the Brit calmly answered.

"PROVE IT! TELL ME SOMETHING ONLY THE REAL PIP WOULD KNOW! WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THE WORKHOUSE YOU GREW UP IN?!"

"I didn't grow up in a workhouse, I was a blacksmith's apprentice." Pip explained.

Kenny nodded, "Okay, you're not a simulation. BUT I STILL DON'T BELIEVE WENDY'S ALIVE!"

"Keanu, I'm telling you the truth, she dragged your sister to my door yesterday to prove some point!" Jesus insisted.

"Alright, well I felt my whole world turn to shit when I cradled her bleeding dismembered corpse in my arms two days ago! Call me stupid, but that just doesn't make sense to me!" the boy countered.

"Alright, you're stupid." Satan interjected, "Kenny, you've been dying and coming back to life on a regular basis for almost your entire time walking the Earth and you of all people can't believe this?"

The boy sighed, "Satan, far be it from me to correct you, but in case you've forgotten, you yourself told me that I'm the only immortal human aside from Jesus and Damien!" he explained, gesturing toward the two, "And that makes sense, we were all born through the union of humans and gods, I can understand that! So let's say Wendy just so happens to be another exception… How?"

"Perhaps we'll never know." Pip proposed, "Some of the greatest horrors in this universe are the ones that can't be explained, after all."

"Don't be retarded, Pip. Of course we can explain it." Damien stated before pulling a large book out from under the bar and flipping through it, "Let's see… Ah, here it is! Immortality!" he announced before reading the passage, "Immortality can be achieved in one of three ways: The one we're all familiar with, fraternization between gods and humans. The second way, by murdering Sean Connery, obviously. And the third way, 'If in an immortal is engaged in an act of true passion in his dying breath, the one who it is directed toward may absorb part of their soul, thus granting the receiving party with immortality themselves'. Now, being that Sean Connery has yet to pay us a visit, it's one of two possibilities."

"Act of passion?… Wait." Kenny thought back, all the way back to chapter 1, the death that changed his life forever, "Months ago when she killed me in the gym, I kissed her right before I died."

"That'll do it." Damien stated, shutting the book with a grin.

"No wonder she remembered all my deaths after that, she's been immortal this whole time!" Kenny realized, "I've gotta get back to Earth, I've gotta go talk to her!"

"First of all, you're not going anywhere. I know it doesn't seem like one to you but Hell is still meant to be a prison." Jesus reminded, "Whatever your intentions may have been, you still committed a mortal sin before you died and you will be staying here for a week as per usual."

"Dude, seriously? You can't look the other way just this once?" the teen bartered.

"Believe it or not, I am looking the other way because choking yourself to death while jacking off is the least of my worries concerning you." the messiah noted, "Does this look familiar to you?" he asked as a copy of the Necronomicon materialized in his hand.

"What? A book of stories from by that weird guy the goth kids like?" Kenny assumed.

Jesus rolled his eyes, "Can you really not even remember the name of the prophet who chronicled your Eldritch lineage?"

"I'm more into dirty romance novels if I'm being honest." the boy expressed.

"Unbelievable, Have you never even thought to study your origins?"

"Why should I? I've got a basic idea of what I am and that's good enough for me! What's this all about anyway?"

"Fine. But you're mistaken, this is not a book of stories, it's the actual Necronomicon. A book of spells and rituals that humans should never ever under any circumstances SCREW AROUND WITH!" Jesus explained with waning patience, "There are thirteen known copies in the world, one of them could be found in the Middle Park Community College library until last December, when it was stolen." he recounted, "This is that copy, I found it yesterday in the possession of your friend Henrietta." he revealed before handing it over to the boy, "Open the cover and read what it says aloud."

Kenny did as he was told and read the note written inside, his eyes widening in realization as the stoned out haze of last December began to clear up, "To Michael, From… Kenny…"

Jesus shook his head, "Would you like to know what's happening right now, Keanu? Thanks to you, five bored kids with nothing better to do with their time have awakened Cthulhu, he's currently wading through the ocean toward Mexico to begin destroying the world as we know it. You helped trigger the apocalypse."

"You asshole! That was supposed to be my job!" Damien reminded.

"He took your job, Damien!" Pip noted.

"HE TOOK MY JOB!" the Antichrist emphasized.

"Hey, I'm sorry for takin' yer job dude, but we've got worse shit to worry about right now!" Kenny expressed before turning back to address the messiah, "Alright, I'll take care of it, just put me back on Earth and I'll stop him, I'm supposed to be the Great Keanu, humanity's protector, right?"

Jesus shook his head, "I've put a lot of thought into this ever since the day you were first chosen, I will admit you've gone above and beyond your assignment and done a lot of good in the world with your Mysterion persona and for that I couldn't be more proud of you… But you'll always be that crazy perverted kid who likes to start fires, huff paint, and drink gasoline for money. This was the last straw Kenny, I'm un-choosing you."

"You can't un-choose me!" the boy defended.

"It's too late, you're un-chosen." Jesus affirmed.

"Well then I un-choose you as a friend!" Kenny countered, "So suck on that!"

"If that's the way you feel then fine. I have to go back to Earth and try to clean up this mess."

"I'm coming with you!" Satan exclaimed, "That world is Damien's to rule over when he sees fit, and I'm not about to let some seafood lookin' ass Godzilla wannabe destroy my only son's birthright!"

Damien smiled at the sentiment, "Thanks dad."

The souls of all but one of the teenagers I've brutally murdered over the course of this book watched as Jesus and Satan walked out of the bar, mumbling something about "The worst case scenario" to each other.

Kenny sighed as he sat down in front of the bar, laying his head down on the counter, "A week, a fuckin' week." he said to himself, "The Earth's not gonna last another week if Cthulhu's loose."

"Aw, ch-cheer up Kenny." Butters said, patting his friend on the back, "Didn't ya hear? Jesus and Satan are gonna work together to save the world! I mean, them two workin' together? They're gonna be unstoppable!"

Damien snorted in laughter, "You're so naive, Butters." he noted, "Do you realize just how powerful Cthulhu really is?"

"Damien, knock it off, you're gonna freak him out!" Kenny requested.

"Well he should be freaked out!" the Antichrist stated, "You should all be freaked out! You know why they're called the old gods, right? They've been around eons longer than the Earth itself and they only grow more powerful with age." he explained, "For comparison, _our savior_ is only a 2000-year-old halfling and my father, in spite of being a full-blooded descendant, is only a little younger than the Earth."

"Wait, are you saying there's no stopping him?!" Craig questioned.

"AH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Tweek screamed in fear.

"Calm down, you're already dead, remember?" Damien reminded.

"Oh yeah, I forgot." Tweek said with a shaky sigh of relief.

"No, dying's the least of our worries, because if Cthulhu can't be stopped, they'll likely hit the reset button and erase us all from existence." the Antichrist explained.

"OH GOD, THAT SOUNDS WAY WORSE!" Tweek screamed, pulling his hair in fear.

"W-What do ya mean, reset button?" Butters questioned.

"It's a weapon, only to be used in worst case scenarios. It implodes the universe and then re-explodes it with a second big bang in hopes that the next universe has better luck than ours." Damien explained.

"So… There is a fate worse than death?" Pip questioned.

"Indeed there is." Damien assured.

"_Oh joy, and here I thought my luck couldn't get any better._" the Brit sarcastically noted before taking a swig of gin.

Kenny had mostly been ignoring the doomsday spiel, staring into his drink with a look of deep melancholy on his face, "I'm never gonna see her again." he said as the realization hit him like a truck.

Damien scoffed, "The universe is on the verge of total annihilation and all you can think about is some girl? What the hell's wrong with you?" he questioned. It wasn't a moment before the Antichrist was smacked in the face, shocking the absolute fuck out of everyone in the room including Damien himself, not so much for the action itself but rather the one who did it, "Pip… Have you completely lost your mind." he questioned, holding back his rage to the best of his abilities.

"As a gentleman who was prematurely ripped from the love of his life, I'm not prepared to sit around and listen to you dismiss a pain you know nothing about." Pip firmly stated before sitting back down in his chair.

Damien looked between Kenny and Pip as they sipped their respective drinks, he didn't fully understand the dread in their faces at this moment and perhaps he never would, but something about seeing his two closest friends like this didn't sit well with him. He smacked the glasses out of their hands and grabbed them both by their shirts, "Get up, both of you!" he commanded before pushing them out of their stools, "TWITCHY!"

"AH! WHAT'D I DO?!" Tweek asked in fear.

"Watch the bar until I get back!" The Antichrist demanded.

"AH! I CAN'T WATCH A BAR! WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS A DRINK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE?! THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" the other teen shouted.

"Well tough shit! My father's not here right now so that means I'm in charge, you'll do as you're told or face unspeakable torment, and I assure you that will be far more pressure than you could've ever dreamed possible!"

"AH! YES SIR!" Tweek shouted in compliance before rushing to his new post.

Damien walked over to Kenny and Pip as they were getting up from the floor, pulling them to their feet by the back of their coats, "Up!" he commanded, "We're leaving!"

"Where are we going?" Pip questioned.

"That depends." the Antichrist stated as he pulled out a coin, "Heads or tails?"

The two looked at him in confusion before Kenny answered, "Tails."

Damien flipped the coin and it came up heads, "Looks like we're going to England first." he stated, grabbing the two by the shoulders before the three of them were consumed in a burst of flames.

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A black sedan drove through the suburban streets of South Park, two familiar men in black suits riding within, "I just don't get how we could've lost him." Carter noted to his partner, "Do you even remember finding him?"

Jones shrugged, "I remember driving from Colorado to Massachusetts, deporting a town full of Deep Ones, then driving back to base with an orange blur in my peripheral vision."

"You think memory wiping is one of his special abilities?" his partner asked.

"Maybe. This one might be harder than we-" Jones paused when he saw a girl in a purple beret walking down the street, "Open the file to people of interest, I'm pretty sure I've seen that girl in there." he ordered.

Carter did as he was told and found the girl's picture, "Wendy Testaburger, age sixteen, SCP relation: Girlfriend." he read.

Jones immediately pulled the car up next to her and got out, making her jump in surprise, "Excuse me, young lady? Would you mind if we asked you a few questions?" he requested.

Wendy didn't need more than a second to realize the men in the sedan were the two goons that had tailed her and Kenny to Massachusetts, she didn't hesitate to run into the nearest yard and jump a fence, "HEY, STOP!" Carter commanded, pulling his gun.

"And what are you gonna do with that, murder a teenage girl in broad daylight?!" Jones questioned, "Fuckin' idiot, put it away and go after her!" he ordered, running after the girl.

The two agents caught up with her, tailing her through four yards and over three fences before finally chasing her through a gate and tripping on a garden hose that she had pulled tight across their path. Wendy kicked both men in the stomachs before taking both their guns, tossing them to the side and pulling Kenny's revolver out of her coat, "Alright, who the fuck are you guys and why are you following me and my boyfriend?!" she questioned, cocking the gun.

"We're not afraid of some little-" Carter began to say before she fired a bullet into the ground beside his head, "OH GOD, I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" the man begged.

"Way to stay calm in the face of danger." Jones said with a sigh.

"Answer the question or the next one's going in your kneecap, I have been put through the ringer all week and I am not fucking around anymore!" the girl warned.

The back door to the house they were behind suddenly opened and Eric Cartman stepped out, "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU ASSHOLES THINK YOU'RE-" he immediately shut his mouth when Wendy redirected the gun toward him, "Please enjoy my backyard, stay as long as you'd like." he said calmly before going back inside and locking the door.

Wendy pointed the gun back at her two hostages, "Last chance. Talk!"

"We're part of a top-secret agency called the SCP Foundation, our job is to capture and contain supernatural entities, and we have reason to believe your boyfriend falls under that category!" Carter explained on the verge of tears, "Please don't hurt me, I don't even care about this job, I only took it because I owe a shit-ton of money to the Cartel!" he admitted, sobbing into his hands.

Jones sighed, "Like he said, we were assigned to track down and contain Kenny McCormick."

"Why? Kenny hasn't done anything wrong! He's never hurt anyone who didn't have it coming, why the hell would you try to lock him up?!" Wendy demanded.

"You're misunderstanding, we're not trying to jail him, we need his help!" Jones expressed, "We all need his help. You've seen it on the news, Cthulhu's back and he needs to be stopped. Kenny is somehow linked to the Old Gods, we don't know how yet, but he could be the key to saving the Earth!"

"Doubtful." Wendy heard the voice of Cthulhu say in the back of her mind.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" she yelled, pointing the gun to her own head.

"NO, DON'T DO IT!" Jones shouted.

Wendy took a deep breath to compose herself as she lowered the revolver, "What do you know about Cthulhu?" she questioned.

The agent sighed in relief before answering, "We have an extensive file in the car."

"Does it say anything about how to stop him? Weaknesses, anything like that?" the girl questioned.

Jones shook his head, "It's got a few things about temporary solutions, nothing about destroying him completely though."

"As would be expected." she heard the deity state with an air of smugness.

Wendy ignored the voice in her head, "Get me the file, and Kenny's file, then get the fuck out of my town." she ordered.

"Look, Wendy, I don't think you fully grasp what-" the girl fired another bullet into the ground, "OKAY! Okay, whatever you say, we'll report back to the Foundation and get them off your backs, you'll never see any of us in South Park ever again. Sound good?"

Wendy nodded, watching as the two agents got up from the ground, only stopping them when they went to get their guns, "Leave them!" she ordered. Jones put up his hands in defeat as she followed them back to their sedan.

Carter opened the passenger door and pulled out two files, one that had around the thickness of a comic book and one that rivaled a large bible in girth, "Here." the agent said, handing them over, "I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into if you're planning what I think you are." he stated.

"_Try not to lose too much sleep over it_." the girl sarcastically remarked.

Carter laughed, "Who can sleep these days anyway?" he idly questioned as he got into the car.

The teenager watched as the two drove away before looking down at her newly acquired literature. "Wendy?" she heard a voice call from behind her, she turned to see Stan, Kyle, and Cartman gathered behind her with looks ranging from curiosity to concern on their faces, "What's going on?" Stan questioned.

The girl took a deep shaky breath before answering, "Haven't you heard? It's the end of the world." she stated before starting the walk to Kenny's house.

Wendy's mind was quiet for the first time in days as she crossed the train tracks into the poor side of town, Cthulhu had apparently tuned out for the time being and she could finally breathe more easily. All the stress was getting to her and she could feel her sanity depleting by the day, was this the madness she'd read so much about in her research on eldritch beings? After all, hearing voices and pulling guns on people weren't things she or anyone else tended to do when they were in their right mind.

The girl walked into the house she'd long since been welcome to enter any time she pleased and made her way to Kenny's room, putting the files down on his nightstand and collapsing on the bed with a sigh, "I really wish you were here right now Kenny. I don't know how much longer I can do this on my own." she said, "You just had to rush down to Hell, you couldn't have just-" she looked up to the dead body she was addressing to realize it was gone, 'Wait, he couldn't be back already, could he?' she mentally questioned, "Karen!" she called out.

"Yeah?" she heard the younger girl ask from her room.

"Where's Kenny?"

"What are you talking about? He's hanging from the ceiling." Karen reminded.

"No he's not." Wendy stated, getting up to examine the room for any sign of the boy's corpse, but aside from the hanging belt and toppled chair there was no sign of a dead teenager to be found.

"Of course he-" the younger girl began to argue before entering the room, "What the hell? He was there five minutes ago!"

Wendy stared at the empty space where her boyfriend once hung in thought, ruling out the impossible, considering the improbable, then remembering the fact that the word "impossible" hasn't exactly been a part of her vocabulary in months, and deduced where his body must have gone, "He regenerated already." she finally concluded in spite of the fact that it didn't make sense, "He never regenerates this fast, it always takes about a day." she explained.

"Wait, are you saying he's alive?!" Karen asked.

"He has to be." the girl stated, "But where is he? You didn't see him walk out, did you?" she questioned, Karen shook her head. Wendy considered the facts, "He must have regenerated somewhere else this time." she deduced.

Karen thought about it, she still didn't fully believe the immortal bullshit, but she was at least willing to get her hopes up for a while that she'd get her brother back, "Okay, so where is he?"

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Alright picture this, you're walking down the streets of London, you hear the bong of Big Ben to inform you that it was now one-o-clock when suddenly you see an enormous fire spontaneously combust in the middle of the street only to die out as quickly as it appeared leaving three teenage boys in the spot it once occupied, surely you'd run away screaming just as quick as the few who bore witness to Pip, Kenny, and Damien's re-entrance to the world of the living.

"Oh hell." Damien breathlessly cursed as his legs gave out, his two friends being the only thing keeping him from collapsing to the ground.

"Holy shit, are you okay dude?" Kenny asked in a worried tone as he helped carry the Antichrist to the nearby sidewalk and sat him down on the curb.

"I'm fine." he assured, taking a breath as he wiped the sweat from his brow, "I've just never teleported this far before, especially not with passengers."

Kenny pulled a flask out of his coat, "Here, take a drink." he offered.

"Thank you." Damien said before grabbing the flask and downing it, spitting it out once he realized it wasn't what he'd assumed, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!"

"Water." the other boy stated blankly.

"It's terrible! You actually drink this crap?!"

"I think most people do."

Damien rolled his eyes, "Full humans are weird." he said, taking another drink for lack of anything else to replenish his stamina.

Kenny laughed before taking a look around, to find that he had been transported into a Charles Dickens novel, the street was devoid of cars, only stagecoaches and a few people dressed in top hats and bonnets, "Wait, did we go back in time or some shit? Why's everyone look like Sherlock Holmes?" he questioned before looking over to Pip who was beaming with happiness.

"I can't believe it, we're in London! Oh, it's just as beautiful as I remember it!" the boy proclaimed with tears of joy in his eyes, "I never thought I'd see it again, the grey skies, the incredible architecture, the-" he abruptly stopped as he felt his shoe sink in something, "Horse manure… Perhaps there were some advantages to living in the states."

"Wait, so England's just been frozen in the Victorian age for the past two-hundred years?" Kenny questioned.

"Of course!" Pip excitedly answered as he tried knocking some of the horse shit off his shoe, "Why would we change what's already perfect?" he questioned while a man on the other side of the road was pickpocketed before he coughed up an unsettling amount of blood and collapsed dead on the ground while several other people carelessly walked by.

"I'll be honest, I kind of see the appeal." Damien said with a grin.

Pip looked around once more with the biggest smile either Kenny or Damien had ever seen on his face as he pulled a locket out from under his shirt, opening it to look at the picture of him and an aristocratic blonde girl that laid inside, "I can finally see Estella again." he said longingly.

"That's why we're here." Damien stated, finally mustering enough energy to stand back up, albeit still a little out of breath, "This was where you said she last lived, right?" he questioned.

"Indeed it was!" Pip confirmed, "I just hope she's still here. But even if I don't find her, just being able to see my homeland once more is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, thank you so much Damien!" he expressed as he wrapped his arms around the Antichrist, "Her house isn't too far from here. Oh, you simply must meet her, both of you! I want her to know two of the best friends I've ever had!"

Damien looked over to Kenny, "It's going to be an hour or two before I have enough energy to get you to South Park, it'll at least be better than sitting around here with our thumbs up our asses." he reasoned.

Kenny thought about it, he was a little irritated by the fact that he was an ocean away from the love of his life but Damien's reasoning was sound, "Alright dude, lead the way." he agreed with a smile.

The three made their way through the city to a rather nice looking house, Pip knocked on the door which was soon answered by a man in a suit who looked at the group of ragged teenagers with disgust, "Perhaps you didn't see the sign." he said, gesturing to a sign that read 'Beggars and Frenchmen not welcome on the premises.'

Pip shook his head, "No sir, we're not beggars and I dream of the day that blight of a nation is wiped from the map." he assured, "By any chance, does a girl named Estella still live here?"

The man sighed and rolled his eyes, "Your name?"

"Philip Pirrip." the boy answered.

"I'll see if she's in." he stated, shutting the door on them.

A moment passed before the three heard a crash from within followed by the muffled sound of a girl screaming, "I'll murder the filthy cunts who would play such a horrible prank!" the feminine voice proclaimed.

The door swung open a moment later to reveal a gorgeous young blonde girl with a furious look on her face, "Estella!" Pip began to cheerfully greet before the girl smacked him on the head with a log as hard as she could, knocking him to the ground, "Ow." the boy mumbled in pain as he laid sprawled across the lawn, "You haven't changed a bit." he stated with a smile.

Estella gasped in shock as she finally took a good look at the injured boy, "Pip?! Is it really you? I thought you were dead!"

"He might be again in a minute." Kenny noted, just a bit concerned over the blood pouring out of the other boy's ear.

"I assure you my love…" Pip began as he stood to his feet, "It will take far more than eternal damnation to keep us apart." he expressed with a smile.

"Oh darling, I thought I'd never see you again!" the girl said, throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him into a kiss.

Damien leaned over to Kenny, "Holy shit, she does exist!" he whispered.

"Yeah, and she's smoking hot, what the fuck?!" the boy whispered in return.

Pip and Estella finally separated before the boy turned to address his friends, "Gentlemen, this is my girlfriend Estella." he introduced, "Estella, these are my two dearest friends in all of Hell, Damien Thorn and Kenneth McCormick."

"Charmed." Damien monotonously stated.

"Hey." Kenny added with a wave.

"Oh, they're so… American." the girl noted, "Are they clean?"

"_Clean as we can be after doing all the dirty work in two world wars_." Kenny sarcastically stated as he and Damien let themselves inside, "Two questions, what the hell's a crumpet and do you have any? I haven't eaten since I was almost killed by fish dicks."

"Ooh, fish sticks would be good too." Damien stated, his own stomach being just as empty as Kenny's, "You do have fish sticks in this weird backward country, right?"

Pip and Estella watched as the two boys made themselves at home, "I'm not entirely certain I approve of your new friends, Pip." Estella expressed.

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Wendy and Karen sat on Kenny's bed, reading through the two files Wendy had acquired. Karen was looking through Kenny's file and laughed when she got to the 'People of Interest' section, "They have me down as sister/possible lover. These guys know what's up." she said with a grin.

"Putting aside your extremely unhealthy obsession with screwing your own brother, can you at least not fantasize about stealing my boyfriend right in front of me?!" Wendy requested.

"Who said anything about stealing him?" the younger girl questioned, "There's room for three in this bed if you plan it out right." she said with a dirty grin.

Wendy rolled her eyes, "I can't tell if you two are the biggest perverts I've ever met or you're playing some kind of game to see which one of you can drive me completely insane first."

"It's both." Karen assured with a smirk, "So, any new info on how to stop Cthulhu?"

The older girl sighed, "Like they said, there's nothing about how to destroy him. From what I've gathered so far, he's just like Kenny in the sense that he can die but he doesn't stay dead. It takes him longer to regenerate but the same principle applies, he wakes up like nothing ever happened and lies dormant until he's either awoken or returned to full power after a few thousand years of rest." she explained.

Karen nodded as she considered the information, "So he's weak right now." she noted.

"What?"

"It takes thousands of years for him to regenerate to full power, right?" Wendy nodded, "Well the last time he died was eight years ago. That's gotta be the Old God equivalent to falling asleep on the couch for a half hour and feeling like shit afterward."

Wendy thought about the younger girl's theory, "That… Makes a lot of sense, actually."

"She's a smart one, too bad a fraction of my power is still far more than you could ever compete with." the dark voice of Cthulhu gloated from nowhere.

Wendy ignored the voice, choosing not to give him the satisfaction of an outburst. The odd thing was she didn't even need to find something to distract her from it, rather the distraction found her when Karen noticeably tensed up, squeezing Kenny's file in her hands with a crinkling sound, "What's wrong?" she questioned.

Karen gasped lightly, "Nothing!" she explained, quickly calming herself, "It's nothing, I've just been a little stressed out today."

The older girl nodded, while not fully content with the explanation she was willing to accept it for the moment. Granted, Wendy was in no place to talk about anyone's mental state at the moment anyway. You wanna hear about stress? Wendy had the weight of the world on her shoulders, humanity was in jeopardy, and she had the Earth's potential destroyer taunting her from within her own mind the whole way through, it left her with a cold empty feeling in the pit of her stomach, her breathing became shaky, she could feel herself trembling as the reality of what was happening crashed down on top of her.

She could hear Cthulhu laughing in the back of her head, he knew damn well what was happening, Wendy was going mad, MAD DAMMIT! Just like everyone who'd answered the call of Cthulhu before her!

Wendy listened as the god who tore her mind to shreds cackled with delight, it had to have been the most horrific thing she'd ever heard in her life, an otherworldly sound to which none other could compare. It mocked her, tormented her… Until it started to slowly fade away.

The girl felt herself relax ever so slightly as the maniacal laugh of Cthulhu was seemingly pulled from her mind like a rotten tooth. She could feel her heart swell as the horrible noise was replaced with a familiar voice so crisp and beautiful that she could swear it was whispering right in her ear, "Hang in there angel, I'll be home soon." she could hear Kenny say.

The cold empty feeling she'd been plagued with seemed to quickly subside and Wendy could suddenly think clearly again. "Are you okay?" Karen asked her in a worried tone.

Wendy took a deep breath and exhaled, "Yeah, I'm alright. Let's figure out how to kill this calamari headed freak once and for all." she said with a triumphant grin.

**A/N: I wasn't gonna update again until I had the story finished up to the end but I figured I was kind of obligated to put something up now considering the occasion. What occasion, you ask? Well, one year ago today was when I polished up the final draft for the first chapter of Dead Man Walking and posted it for the world to see.**

** Happy anniversary everyone.**


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